10 Criterion For Having A Chance At Anything More Than A Lusty Weekend With Chronic (1466 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.74 on 77 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chronic (View user info) at 2006-01-09 15:17:01 EST
It's time to get the dating criteria out there in some sort of tangible medium so I can read it over a few times and drill it into my head. I have a mildly screwed up dating situation at home that has a lot of awkward situations and a lot of unanswered questions on quite a few fronts. I have nothing short of an opportunistic dating situation at college. It's time to get my head straight before I have to go back to school. These 10 issues do not include such issues as attractiveness or a sense of humor, though those are obviously extremely significant factors.
CRITERIA:
1. Must not be named after a color. Amber was a crazy bitch who nearly got me killed. Violet was a crazy bitch, too. Scarlet O'Hara fucked up shit all over the place. No colors.
"Hi, I'm Magenta."
"Keep walking, sweetheart."
2. Must not have religious beliefs that concern me. This includes, but is not limited to, any strict practicing of any organized religion. You go to Church every week? You bow which way, and pray whatnow, how many times a day? You think what about reincarnation?
"Babe, can you hit the light?"
"I'm not allowed to do any activities today. Sorry."
"Uhhh...you have to leave. Peace in the East, cutie."
3. Must enjoy food and fine dining. I have to draw a line somewhere and its well before this. Eating food is the only thing everybody on Earth does other than breathing, sleeping, and shitting. If you don't have enough wherewithal to enjoy the hell out of such a fundamentally human activity, you need to not be dating me.
"Chronic, why did you take me here? This place is weird. And what is THAT?"
"It's a portobello mushroom. Here's 10 bucks. Go get yourself some McDonald's or something. I'm going to stay here and finish my meal and then delete you from my phone."
4. Must have strong desire to travel. Getting to cool places is often not fun. However, being at cool places is worth it. I don't want to hear the girl bitching and moaning about airport security and waiting for train tickets and the cost of cab fares and blah fucking blah. I'm a believer that all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be. You don't want to walk around magnificent ancient ruins? That's unacceptable.
"This is boring. It's old and dirty."
"It's the fucking Colliseum. You better catch an early flight home, like, today."
5. Must be extremely respectful of, and at least mildly enjoy the exploration of, other cultures. Granted, I don't especially want to frolic around in every culture of the world, nor do I like everyone, but I demand that you be somewhat intrigued by the different ways that humans live.
"What do you mean that you don't think this ancient tribal dance was an interesting thing to see?"
"There just dancing Indians."
"We're in Africa. What Indians? Get back in the jeep and try not to get eaten by a lion before you get out of the country. Thanks."
6. Must be able to hold her own in conversation about intelligent things. She doesn't have to know more than me and she doesn't even need to be even with me, but I expect some ability to discuss major issues. No opinion is not a good enough opinion and no knowledge is not enough knowledge.
"Ariel Sharon's death is going to have a major impact on politics in the Middle East."
"Who's Ariel Sharon?"
"The person who Ariel from the Little Mermaid is based on. They changed the pronunciation a bit. Could you go grab my jacket out of your car and just leave it on the porch? After that, you're free to go."
7. Must dream in color. I know that not everyone dreams a lot and I understand that not all people have strong memories of their dreams, but everyone knows whether or not they dream in color. I have to believe that inability to dream in color is a sure sign of mental inferiority.
"Do you dream in color?"
"Uh, no. Do you?"
"Tell ya what. You and your grayscale dreams can bounce up out of here and go searching for the end of the rainbow. Thanks for playing."
8. Must not hold something against children just for being children. Not everyone needs to have some pressing need to have a kid. I sure as hell don't. However, I will be entirely intolerant of intolerance for children.
"Yeah, could we not sit at this table? Do you maybe have one that isn't close to uh...kids?"
"Yeah, I'm going to run into the bathroom. I'll meet you at the new, better, table."
*I drive away from the restaurant.*
9. Must desire some "us time," some "bigger group and us time," some "quiet time," some "alone time," and some "friend time." "Us time" is obvious if she's someone I'm romantically involved with. "Bigger group and us time" is necessary. She has to prove herself to be a normal fucking person in normal social situations. It is necessary. "Quiet time" is us being together and there not being some overwhelming need for someone to constantly be running a mouth off. If you can't handle quiet time, I have to believe that whatever is going on in your head is something you would rather avoid. This concerns me greatly. "Alone time" is similar except we're not together during this time. Also, "alone time" doesn't mean going shopping with your girlfriends. That's "friend time." "Alone time" means running errands or reading a book in a coffee shop or something by yourself. If you can't handle being by yourself, you sure as shit can't handle being with me. As for "friend time," it should go without saying that I need to be around my friends without you there sometimes and I expect you to feel the same way.
(Quote not applicable.)
10. Must enjoy going to the movies. This one really has the least logic behind it, but basically, I really like movies and I like going to movies. I especially like going to movies with someone who enjoys being at the movies.
"Wanna go see this movie?"
"Why?"
"Because I like to see most of the movies. I like movies."
"Oh, I only go to like, a movie a month. I pick the one that I think looks really funny."
"Okay, well, you can start going to that one movie a month with someone else."
"These days, you have to boil somebody before you can sleep with them." - The General's Daughter
---
Chroniclysmically Conceptualized
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For making a Hurt reference in one of your replies.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about the way you worded that scares me in the underlying implication that somehow, some way, you are
CONTROLLING MY THOUGHTS
*shiver*
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-11 02:15:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, but you had all the thoughts I wanted you to have.
...heh.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-11 01:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there's lots of irony in that statement.
If you don't want to trust female judgment, how could I be onto something?
DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND??!!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-11 00:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't imagine I have anything too detrimental. I don't do too bad with the girls.
But is female judgment the best thing to rely on?
Maybe you're onto something.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-10 23:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This here post
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41008
is really quite awful but you'll see that I mention the dreaming in color thing, etc
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-10 23:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Besides part of me is still convinced you've got severe facial deformities or a horrible lisp, or maybe a habit of chewing with your mouth open or some other dealbreaker that would make me terribly regret seeing you.
ha.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-10 23:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, I'm married. That's why I said Stin could have you. :P
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-10 19:31:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A few days ago, I was telling my buddy that a new rule is "Must dream in color" and I went on to say something about not having time for "inferior fools and their grayscale dreams." Something about it struck me as extremely funny.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You and your grayscale dreams" - AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Something about that cracked me up.
"8. Must not hold something against children just for being children."
--- I'm out.
"10. Must enjoy going to the movies."
--- I'm out again.
*runs away sobbing*
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aren't you married, too?
I'm gonna wind up being the homewrecker of Ubersite at this rate.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I really can't. They deport people for bigamy in the US, and I don't have residency yet!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stin can marry you, I just want to go traveling, to the movies, and call it a lusty weekend.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn. Offers left and right.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:19:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Marry me.
Just don't tell my husband.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For the record, I'm fully aware that these rules are not guaranteed to find me the right girl (obviously). However, in my search, these are some of the more black and white filters.
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-10 14:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-10 14:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is me, except that I came to the conclusion recently that I hate movies. Somehow, though, getting you to love me was never a huge concern of mine.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. I think I'm you.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL - I'm your PERFECT woman... only, I reckon Im smarter than you, and that would get on your tits.
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I love you...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 05:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Christ Chronic, you're well high maintenece. Do you check to see if they've got an asymetrical vagina as well?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-10 04:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good, except I agree with Indoninja. If you expect your girl to be open to other cultures etc, it's a bit rich to not be open minded enough to date a girl who participates in organised religion.
It may even add to the "intelligent conversation" you could have, by debating the pro's and con's of religion vs evolution etc. (Bear in mind that I'm not religious AT ALL.)
Other than that, I thought this was alright.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-10 03:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's see what I've got.
1) Not named after a colour - Pass: Nana is not a colour though it is a number in her native language.
2)No religious girlfriends - Pass: She was actually worried I'd be a christian because I kept saying "God" in the phrase "For god's sake!". Her english is crap.
3)Must enjoy food and dining - Pass: I'm really fucking lucky with this one. She can cook great, she loves great cuisine AND she understands when i say "sorry, I'm out of cash this week, let's just buy some Korean instant noodles from downstairs."
4)Desire to travel - Pass: She's been to Europe and Australia. She's a jap.
5)Likes other cultures - Pass: Though like all japanese is intrigued by our ways but still consider the japanese way to do things as supreme.
6)Smart enough to hold a conversation - Fail: While she's an intelligent girl about most things, her politics is definitely lacking. Though she certainly knows about world leaders, geography and events she doesn't quite know how they all play out. It ain't one of her interests I guess.
7)Must Dream in colour - SemiPass: I've never asked.
8)Cool with kids - Pass: Though she tries constantly to scare me by telling me she's pregnant. The fact she's actually been throwing up this week (for some unknown reason) doesn't help with my confidence.
9)Not clingy, not isolating - Pass: She's just like me like that.
10)Enjoys the movies - Pass: Maybe twice a week. I live across the street from a cinema though.
8.5/10 That's pretty fucking good.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-10 03:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I badly want to go on an African safari.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-10 03:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, your rules seem pretty reasonable except for the one about kids. I don't like kids but mostly I don't like the way parents are raising their kids. If they are well mannered, clean, and quiet, I can tolerate being around them. If they're smelly, dirty, hell-raising little monsters, I will get annoyed and end up yelling at the parents about how they should be castrated and spayed so they can no longer produce children and turn them into.....well....smelly, dirty, hell-raising little monsters I guess.
Also, you do realize these rules will not guarantee you'll find a normal girl right? That's assuming normal girls exist, of course.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-10 02:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-10 01:45:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
so yeah travel suckage... las vegas airport blows and no one warned me.
seems reasonable.
have you been to africa or was that just for this?
================================
had nothing to do with Las Vegas and everything with that fucking CES convention that fucked my drive to the strip last thursday.
McCarran is usually really good except at the holidays and during the biggest fucking travel week next to thanksgiving week.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-10 01:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I can't actually say I've been. Parts are probably incredibly beautiful, though.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-10 01:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so yeah travel suckage... las vegas airport blows and no one warned me.
seems reasonable.
have you been to africa or was that just for this?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-10 01:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, jeez. I hardly know what to say. I mean, I didn't write a speech or anything.
I guess I'd like to thank my parents mostly, for not passing on any hideous genetic traits.
Also, I'd like to thank God for uh...genetics in general.
...And vaccinations. Definitely vaccinations.
And whoever eliminated leprosy.
And uh...yeah.
Forward all congratulatory awards, naked pictures, or just warm wishes to Chroniclysm.at.yahoo.com
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-10 01:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well then, proper congrats are in order.
So, uh..
*shifty look*
congrats.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-10 00:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, nothing to be ashamed of here.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-09 23:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, you're a good writer, funny and appear to be intelligent. Are you hideously deformed or something?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-09 23:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, you know, I'm not going to pretend I'm a supermodel. But I'm pretty sure with your criteria here and a few beers I might be able to lure you into a dark alley.
Just kidding, I don't kill people anymore.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 23:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Self deprecating humor, I think.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-09 22:39:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit..I missed the part about attractiveness. Sorry.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-09 22:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, we would be a perfect match, but a lusty weekend sounds like fun, too..
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 21:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*gets nervous and blushes*
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-09 20:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool. so where would you like to go on our first date?
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-01-09 19:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What do you mean that you don't think this ancient tribal dance was an interesting thing to see?"
"There just dancing Indians."
"We're in Africa. What Indians? Get back in the jeep and try not to get eaten by a lion before you get out of the country. Thanks."
----
haha i hate stupid people. especially those who ... no, that statement needs to be broadened, not refined: i hate people.
good post
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 19:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really thought the attachment would handle such offers.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-09 19:28:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think Shlongy has a shot with you.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-01-09 19:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
In light of the passage of H.R. 3402, I have been advised by my attorney to cease all comments which could be construed as annoying or harassing.
Carry on.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 19:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Handouts are rarely well recieved.
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2006-01-09 19:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you have this in a self-test format that I can just hand out on the first date?
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2006-01-09 18:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ditto!
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2006-01-09 18:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
""Yeah, I'm going to run into the bathroom. I'll meet you at the new, better, table."
*I drive away from the restaurant.* "
Would have got +1 alone.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2006-01-09 18:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I do happen to dream in color... but they're not the right colors for things. It's the oddest thing...
Submitted by Azk (user info) at 2006-01-09 17:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's a portobello mushroom. Here's 10 bucks. Go get yourself some McDonald's or something. I'm going to stay here and finish my meal and then delete you from my phone."
----
I had to stop reading here as my sides were splitting.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-09 17:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chronic, I now love you in that very ghey way.
WHAT?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-01-09 17:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-01-09 17:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for inviting me peon...
and chronic, my list is pretty much the same...without the dreaming in color thingy
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-09 17:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love kids. I hate lousy parents though. If I see kids at a restaurant who are behaving badly, I'll ask their parents to get in control. If the parents don't try, I sometimes give them some mean remark about being lousy parents. I hate seeing stupid people ruining their children. I believe that it's never the childrens' own fault. I have yet to see a child that was born evil.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a shame really because it sounds like we would get along famously. Ah well... If we ever meet, we shall have to be drinking buddies I suppose.
I can't wait to travel this year. I have Cozumel & Aruba lined up already. wooooo!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry. Rules are rules.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I stopped reading at #1 cause dammit if my name isn't a color.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Must not hold something against children just for being children. Not everyone needs to have some pressing need to have a kid. I sure as hell don't. However, I will be entirely intolerant of intolerance for children."
---
I'm with you on a few of these, but I'm happy to see this one in particular. I might be in the Uber minority, but I love kids. I know not everyone does, but how can someone reconcile their enjoyment of the right to be himself while denying a child the same?
------------------------
I was with you on all except the children one. I'm not a fan of kids and avoid them at all costs. If I go out to dinner to a place that is family-oriented or family friendly, then I expect there to be noise and little snot factories running around and throwing things. But if I go to a nice restaurant that caters to an adult clientele, then I go expecting a quiet meal. People know that their kids are going to get bored and restless if they have nothing to do than listen to adult conversations, but still insist on bringing them and let them run wild.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Me too.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think they're all reasonable demands
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love watching movies.
i hate people that can't "watch a movie"
you know, the simplest of creatures...
wait! where'd he go?
is that the bad guy's brother?
it's him??? but he never got the golden palm tree!
or those with a 20 minute attention span...
you mean it might take time to build up a plot/storyline???
liek, OMG!!!1!! theez moveez are so teh suxxorz!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seems fair to me.
-Dave
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:51:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My grammar in that comment was horrible, but you get the idea.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Must not hold something against children just for being children. Not everyone needs to have some pressing need to have a kid. I sure as hell don't. However, I will be entirely intolerant of intolerance for children."
---
I'm with you on a few of these, but I'm happy to see this one in particular. I might be in the Uber minority, but I love kids. I know not everyone does, but how can someone reconcile their enjoyment of the right to be himself while denying a child the same?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And indoninja, they certainly may belong to a culture with a religious background, however they may not strictly practice in a level that I deem to be in excess of intelligent thought.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Filthy, I thought about it for a little while, and then I thought that because I was showing 10 individual things, it should be 10 criterion.
If there had been no 10, I would've said criteria.
I suppose you're right, though.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is lovely. I think you should carry it about in your pocket and show it to potential ladyfriends.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sense I'm going to hate myself for feeling compelled to point this out, but criterion is singular. If you've got ten of them, they're criteria.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Agree with ALL except for #8. Children suck, and I reserve the right to hate them for no apparent reason. Little bastards can all rot in hell.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have another, i loved this
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, i meant +2!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
3. Must enjoy food and fine dining. I have to draw a line somewhere and its well before this. Eating food is the only thing everybody on Earth does other than breathing, sleeping, and shitting. If you don't have enough wherewithal to enjoy the hell out of such a fundamentally human activity, you need to not be dating me.
"Chronic, why did you take me here? This place is weird. And what is THAT?"
"It's a portobello mushroom. Here's 10 bucks. Go get yourself some McDonald's or something. I'm going to stay here and finish my meal and then delete you from my phone."
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good luck
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:21:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought everyone dreamed in color, until I found out this was not true. I dream in very vivid colors. I wonder what that means.
---
It means you really should get that brain tumor checked out.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
3. Must enjoy food and fine dining. I have to draw a line somewhere and its well before this. Eating food is the only thing everybody on Earth does other than breathing, sleeping, and shitting. If you don't have enough wherewithal to enjoy the hell out of such a fundamentally human activity, you need to not be dating me.
+2, agreed.
I thought everyone dreamed in color, until I found out this was not true. I dream in very vivid colors. I wonder what that means.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They have to respect other cultures, but can't belong to one with a religious back ground?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the part about the criterion for having a chance at anything more than a lusty weekend with you.