Tortured Art (586 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.5 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wasabi <medicatedgoo.at.123mail.org> (View user info) at 2006-01-09 19:48:50 EST
(The following is an excerpt from my recently finished screenplay "Tortured Art". The format didn't translate to the uber board, and I am not about to spend a great deal of time fucking correcting it. I haven't posted here in a long time, and I don't know why I am now... I guess I need attention, even if it IS in the form of -2's. Shit fuck damn).
INT. JITTERS' HOUSE - NIGHT
Roger sits at the kitchen table looking at a magazine called SEVENTEEN AND SHAVED. A very young, very naked girl is on the cover, posing quite obscenely.
The front door SLAMS shut. FOOTSTEPS emanate from the hallway leading into the kitchen, and a set of keys DROP onto a table.
JITTERS (o.s.)
You'll never guess what happened at Sandy-Which's today.
Except for his verbal reply, Roger doesn't move. He continues to stare at the magazine.
ROGER
That's nice... have you seen this girl's pussy?
Jitters enters the kitchen, stops when he sees Roger and shakes his head disaprovingly.
JITTERS
Nice to see you expanding your mind.
Roger faithfully continues to sit perfectly still; a Zen Monk of pornography.
ROGER
Yeah, yeah... but look at this poon Jitters. I mean, it is perfect.
JITTERS
Gee, thanks for not acting like you're interested Rog. That would be terrible for my ego.
Jitters opens the refrigerator and takes out a beer.
ROGER
Always here for you buddy... but seriously now, focus on the topic at hand. There's not one hair, or even one stubble, anywhere on this vag. It's incredible. And when the lips are sealed, it's like two delicious twinkies, side-by-side, friends for life. It's just so puffy and playful.
Roger finally breaks his focus to look back at Jitters with a silly grin. He holds the magazine out so Jitters can see it better.
ROGER
And then look here, she spreads her legs and BAM! her luscious
labia pops out in absolute impeccable symmetry. Good lord what I wouldn't give to munch on that carpet. 'Cept of course there is no carpet! Hardwood floor. Fuckin' sweet Jesus.
Jitters sits down on the other side of the table and opens his beer.
JITTERS
Roger, did you notice that she also has a face?
ROGER
Did you even notice the pun I just made? Hard wood? You're not paying attention. And no Jitters, I didn't notice her face, because I can't get off to that.
JITTERS
(contemptuous)
Is that a fact? Do you mean to tell me, that when you are, on one of those ill-omened occasions, engaged in the physical act of consensual sex with a female partner, you just stare at her crotch the entire time?
ROGER
That's impossible. When you're goin' at it, I mean really goin' at it, it's pretty fuckin' hard to actually see the whole of her pussy. You can really only see your own cock poppin' in and out, part of her lips, and her swollen clit.
JITTERS
Good lord.
ROGER
Besides, with the butter faces I usually hook up with --
JITTERS
Butter faces? What the hell is that?
ROGER
They got all right bodies, butter face needs a bag before you can shag.
Jitters scoffs.
JITTERS
Oh that's a pleasant one. You come up with that nugget of wisdom all on your own?
ROGER
That's an oldie but a goody Jitters. You're outta the loop. With a butter face, I usually just go at it from behind so I can avoid all facial focus completely. Or, if the situation necessitates it, I close my eyes tight as your ass-hole.
JITTERS
Fuck me sideways Rog, you really are a pig.
ROGER
Motha' fuckin' oink!
JITTERS
I shouldn't expect anything more out of you, but I keep hoping the hopeless hope.
Roger lays the magazine on the table.
ROGER
Look here bitch: when you're gettin' some pussy, it doesn't matter if she's a fucking super model or a god damn crack whore with sores all over her dog-faced body. She could be a bald amputee with gangrenous flesh for all I fucking care. It all feels the same to my dick, and my dick just wants a hot box. It couldn't give a dirty shit about no pretty face.
JITTERS
Sometimes I think David is right about you. You really are a walking cunt, you know that?
Roger shrugs, reaches across the table towards Jitters and grabs the beer out of his hand.
ROGER
I am what I am, and that's all that I am. Now Popeye was a bad ass.
Roger finishes the last half of Jitters' beer in one chug and BELCHES loudly. He crushes the can and tosses it behind him into the kitchen sink.
ROGER (CONT'D)
I leave it for others to assign me a label.
Jitters walks to the refrigerator.
JITTERS
That's a nice philosophy you've developed. You should write it all down sometime.
ROGER
I'm in the process of securing publishing rights for the textbook as we speak.
JITTERS
That'd be a fun class. However, notwithstanding your chosen path of spiritual enlightenment, you realize that your assumptions about women are completely erroneous don't you?
ROGER
Grab me a beer.
(pause)
What the fuck, pray tell, am I wrong about?
Jitters hands Roger a beer and opens one for himself.
JITTERS
Everything! It makes all the difference if the woman is gorgeous or not. The hotter the woman, the better it feels.
Jitters sits back down.
ROGER
That's all mental mumbo jumbo dog-shit. It's in your head.
JITTERS
You used to be so smart Roger. But we aren't in the first grade anymore. Of course it's all mental. Your brain and your body are one and the same. There is no physical sensation without cerebral cooperation.
ROGER
Maybe. I think you're full of it.
JITTERS
If you were condom you'd be ribbed for your pleasure.
(pause)
In spite of such calamitous stupidity, even you could control your physical sensations.
ROGER
The quips keep coming! You're on fire tonight Jitters. Are you
recording this? You should get this all down for your screenplay.
JITTERS
Look, I know that you could never, ever score with an attractive woman without paying for it--
ROGER
Ohhhhh, that one's kind of a standard. Weak.
JITTERS
You're just too retarded. But trust me about this: save up all your money, doing whatever it is that you do to make money, and get yourself the most expensive hooker you can find. You'll thank me.
ROGER
Yeah whatever. A pussy's a pussy, and I'll take whatever I can get.
JITTERS
Don't I know it.
Roger picks up SEVENTEEN AND SHAVED and starts to flip through the pages.
ROGER
So what the fuck happened at work today that got you in one of your moods?
Jitters drains the last of his beer and gets up for another.
JITTERS
You did hear me. I figured the all that poon tang had clogged your synapses. You need another beer?
ROGER
Poon tang? Shit I don't give head Jitters. The female orgasm is a myth.
JITTERS
Much like your intelligence.
ROGER
And yes, get me another beer.
Jitters hands Roger a beer and sits down at the table with his own. They open their beers and raise them to cheer before drinking.
JITTERS
So anyway, the boss man had the balls to threaten me with replacement if I didn't speed things up.
Roger, standing up from the table, tosses the magazine aside and walks over to a cupboard.
ROGER
What'd you do?
JITTERS
What could I do? He said it and got the fuck out of there so fast I couldn't respond to him.
Roger rustles through the cupboard and comes out with a box of crackers.
ROGER
Good going. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget.
Roger sits back down at the table and voraciously digs into the box of crackers.
JITTERS
Whatever. The point is, I think I should write it into my screenplay.
ROGER
Sure. What the hell. It's good to try something new right?
JITTERS
Really? You don't think it's stupid?
ROGER
Well, you must or you wouldn't ask. I think it'll be fine. Whatever it takes to get you to fucking write.
JITTERS
Yeah. That's what I was thinking. Kinda scary when when we agree.
A moment of silence passes as they drink their beers. Roger sets the empty cracker box on the table and brushes crumbs off his shirt and pants. WWIII was just fought on his wardrobe, and both sides resorted to nuclear weapons. He gets up for another beer.
ROGER
So? You're waiting for what now? Stop wasting time arguing with me and go write it down.
JITTERS
I will. I need to unwind first. I was hoping you might have some more blow...
Roger picks up the magazine and sits back down at the table with his fresh beer.
ROGER
That shit ain't cheap Jitters.
JITTERS
I know that. I'll gladly buy some. Fucking fascist.
ROGER
No, no. I've got you covered for tonight. I just wanted to point that out. Makes me look generous.
JITTERS
Expertly executed.
ROGER
If you want anymore after that, you'll have to buy your own. I'm going out later tonight with Skitz. I can score some more then.
JITTERS
Skitz? Shouldn't he stay away from that? He is going to jail soon.
ROGER
He doesn't need to know about it. Hush hush.
JITTERS
My lips are sealed.
Roger pulls the magazine centerfold out. His eyes widen and he licks his lips.
ROGER
Unlike hers. Sweet Jesus!
User Reviews
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2006-01-11 01:09:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bumping for the hopes of a review...
Submitted by wasabi (user info) at 2006-01-10 11:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is definitely not the climax of the story. The whole thing involves much drugs and violence and guns and humor... this is just a funny little excerpt. This scene is autobiographical insofar as the two characters are both parts of my personality; I've never had such a conversation with anybody but myself.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-09 20:25:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh. If more people put forward this much effort, uber would be a better (or at least more coherent) place.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-09 20:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't really say anything until I know what you were going for. My personal opinion is almost meaningless, as I hold most forms of 'art' on the same level as Frasier; angsty bits of pretty fluff meant to make the artist and the audience feel more intellectual/cultured, with no real deeper meaning. That said, was this supposed to have a Sartre-esque vibe? If so, I'd say you achieved a similar urban-neurotic style. Two points that are largely opinion:
1. The whole thing comes off as feeling semi-autobiographical, which can be helpful as a sort fo creative scaffolding to get the events out, but can hold you back as you try to write the events/characters as they happened in your experience, and not as they best fit into the story. I'd shelf this one for a few months and come back to it with a fresh frame of mind.
2. Hard to tell from this piece where your plot and characters are going. If this was your climax, I'd consider broadening things out a bit. Most people aren't going to pay actual money to watch a play about angsty playwrights and lazy masturbators.