The Death Vikings: The Dangerous Voyage to the Angry Forest and the Mystery of the Super Power Rings (505 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mister Fahrenheit (View user info) at 2006-01-09 23:38:37 EST
Angosto, the beaver Viking Captain, had just finished successfully slapping his ex-best friend, Bronco Lotus, with a fully decorated Christmas tree. "That'll teach you to sleep with my daughter...even though I don't have a daughter!" screamed Angosto as he kicked Bronco Lotus is the stomach. Bronco Lotus stumbled back a few feet to the edge of the ship and before falling backwards, said "Mariah Carey!"
"Oh, no!" Angosto complained, "I had forgotten all about Mariah Carey!" He turned to his right and looked her right in the eyes. "What did you see?" He demanded. "I just saw you being a stupid white boy!" Mariah said fiercely. "Your words hurt like my mother's jelly jam! PREPARE TO DIE!" Angosto pulled out a water pistol filled with dangerous acid. He squirted it all over Mariah Carey and she melted. "Honglork! Come scoop up Mariah Carey into a bucket. Put it in the refrigerator so that we all may enjoy it later." Honglork did as he was told because he was too afraid not to. Captain Angosto was very scary and, in the right light, a little sexy. "I bet he'd make a great husband." Honglork smiled to himself knowingly as he scooped up the melted Mariah Carey into a bucket.
Angosto walked briskly up to Milkworth. "Hey are we there yet?" He asked shyly. "Yes sir! We have just arrived in the great red wood forests of Idaho!" "Excellent!" Angosto responded as he pulled out a hand gun and shot Milkworth in the head. "Let's roll, boys! Borthy get the boom box! Furgazoid you get the snacks! And Roboblock you can get the towels." This made everyone snicker and Roboblock became red in the face. He had foolishly believed that everyone had forgotten about hit little accident in the towel room. "Just don't pee on them, Roboblock!" Borthy cruelly shouted. Roboblock ran away crying.
Roboblock ended his life twelve hours later by strangling himself with urine stained towels. "How ironic," Angosto said, "He left this world exactly the same way he came in to it." Angosto had the misfortune of witnessing Roboblock's birth. He was passing by a supermarket when he heard a woman in distress inside. Thinking there was an easy opportunity for rape, he quickly ran inside only to see someone had beat him to it; a baby! A small, bloody baby beaver! "No...wait....this is birth. Yes, the miracle of life. Cool." Angosto reasoned to himself. It seemed the baby had some difficulty breathing as his mother was strangling him with towels. "Hey, ma'am , you don't want that?" Angosto asked. "Nah, man. You want it?" The mysterious moon goddess sang. "Yeah, ok. I'll take it off your hands." Angosto picked up the child and raised it as his own slave after showing his mother a thing or two.
The whole group was very sad and at a loss for words. Each one of the Death Vikings felt responsible in some way for his suicide. They burned 101 monkeys alive in his honor and sang cowboy songs all night long. Cowboy songs were Roboblock's favorite type of song. After everyone felt better about themselves, they continued their voyage into the angry forest in search of the super power rings.
They walked for several miles through the thick, juicy forest. They slipped into creamy puddles and climbed up steaming hot walls. But they eventually discovered the cave of the Muddy Pants tribe of Idaho. The Death Vikings knew that inside that cave were four super power rings that would give them special powers. What they didn't know is who had just farted. Everyone suspected Angosto but were too afraid to say it. But Angosto said it for them with his devilish grin. The group moved on in to the cave ready for whatever challenges awaited them.
Borthy immediately took a poison, flaming spear to the head and died. The group ran behind a large rock just outside the cave. "Oh shit! Holy fuck! Did you see that? Man, it came out of nowhere! I did not expect that! Fuck!" Angosto laughed with excitement. "Ok guys. This time there's no playing around. We're going in there and kicking ass." The group agreed to this strategy and quickly made their way in. They dodged all the secret traps and found hidden rooms with bonus prizes and balloons.
When they got to the room where the three super power rings were hidden, they were relived. There were three rings: a pink ring, a green ring, and a black ring. Angosto picked pink for obvious reasons and Furgazoid took the black one and Honglork took the green one reluctantly. "Green is so gay!" complained Honglork who often whined like a little girl child. "SHUT UP, MOTHER FUCKER!" screamed Angosto as his pink ring omitted a pink laser that shot a big hole into Honglork's stomach. "Let's go, Furgazoid!"
The two Death Vikings flew out of the cave at a million mph and back to their ship. As the two discussed what to do with their powers over some ice tea and chocolate chip cookies, Furgazoid began to demonstrate the powers of his ring. "Oh no!! I have semen in my mouth!" Cried Angosto. Furgazoid laughed. Angosto quickly stood up and flipped over the table. "I DON'T ENJOY THE TASTE OF SEMEN IN MY MOUTH HOW HARD IS THIS FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND!?" He then blasted a billion pink lasers into Furgazoid's mouth and he later bled to death. Angosto then flew back home to Iceland and married his Middle School sweetheart, Timothy O'Brien and they partied wildly every single night until they both died in a car accident four months later.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-10 06:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a little tired of the pure random.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-10 06:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-10 05:40:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to read this but I'm tired. HAve a +2 just for the title.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-10 05:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to read this but I'm tired. HAve a +2 just for the title.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-01-10 01:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just love these random stories...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-01-10 00:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love monkeys, too!!!!