10 Criteria For Anything More Than A "Fuck Off" From BadAssJulie (1121 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.5 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BadAssJulie (View user info) at 2006-01-10 07:40:14 EST
This was inspired by Chronic's post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82063
I guess you could say I've had quite an interesting dating history so I've had to set some standards. Obviously there are many more rules and regulations including those about looks and personality but these are a few of the main rules.
CRITERIA:
1. Must not have an incredibly stupid and/or girly name.
"Hi, my name's Jin."
"What? Jen? Like Jennifer?? What the hell were your parents thinking?"
2. Must not have any religious beliefs that interfere with my life in any way. And don't you dare try to convert me. I know damned well I'm going to hell or wherever you think I'm going and you cannot save me.
"What the fuck? Why are you waking me up so goddamn early?"
"We've got to go to church/the temple/the synagogue/ the pagan ritual!"
"Get the hell out of my house"
"But if you don't go Jesus/Buddha/Jewish Jesus/the Gods and Goddesses will hate you and besides, this is my house."
"I don't care. Just go. I'll mail all your shit, including your goldfish, to your mom's house."
3. Must not whine, bitch, cry, or complain about anything. Ever.
"Hey, how was your day?"
"Well, I stubbed my toe, lost my little brother at the mall, and my mom died!" *bursts into tears*
"Shut the fuck up and take it like a man you whiny little emo bitch!"
4. Must have strong desire to travel. And no, the five minute drive to the head shop and back is NOT traveling. You may argue that they had many exotic pipes and other things there but just because the shit you get from the Jamaican guy who works there is from his "homeland, mon" doesn't make you a worldly, well-traveled man.
"Hey, let's go to Ireland next month."
"Why would you want to go there? We've got lots of Guinness here."
"Well have fun drinking it by yourself, ass."
5. Must be able to tolerate pain very well. This includes the fact that I should not be able to kick your ass. Otherwise I'll assume you're ghey.
"Watch out! Oops, sorry."
"You just dropped a twenty five pound statue on my head."
"Yeah, so?"
"I think you should take me to the hospital. Everything's blurry and there are two of you. I think I've got a concussion."
"Have you met my friend Brad? I think you two would get along great. Here's his number. Why don't you give him a call?"
6. Must be able to hold his own in conversation. If you can't do that, you should be able to sit there quietly, hold my purse, and look pretty.
"I still don't believe Ariel Sharon's chances of survival are very good but it does look like he's improving a bit. If he does survive, he'll probably have significant brain damage."
"Who?"
"Here sweetie. Why don't you hold my purse and let us big girls talk for a little while."
7. Must not be extremely jealous or possessive. I don't mind if you look at other girls as long as you just look and I don't mind if you want to hang out with your friends. I expect you to feel the same way.
"Hey, I'm going out with some friends. I'll see you later."
"What? What time will you be home? Who are you going with? Will there be other guys there?"
"Yes, we're going to a huge orgy at your brother's house. Have a good night and don't bother calling me. I won't call you either."
8. Must love animals. I don't care whether or not you like children but animals? What kind of person doesn't love animals? This also includes my pets. I don't care whether or not my dogs like you because they don't like many people, especially men, but you must like them and be nice to them no matter what.
"Umm, sweetie? Your dog is biting my leg."
"Yeah, she doesn't like you. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Ouch! Yeah, she's gotten down to the bone!" *screams like a little girl*
"Hey did you just kick my dog? That's it! I'm calling PETA on your ass!"
9. Must be able to leave me alone every now and then. I don't want to spend every waking minute with you and you shouldn't want to spend all your time with me either. I'm very independent and I enjoy being by myself and doing things on my own without someone breathing down my neck. Enough said.
"Hey baby, what are you up to?"
"I thought I said I wanted to be alone for a while. Didn't you just call me like five minutes ago?"
"Yeah but I miss you!"
"Well you'll be missing me a lot more from now on. Have a nice life."
10. Must enjoy going out and having fun. I don't really care where we go as long as WE have fun. Notice the big WE in that sentence. If you're not having fun, we can leave and go somewhere else that we'll both enjoy. If I'm not having fun, you should be willing to do the same. However, you must at least give something a chance before you decide you don't like it.
"Do you want to go with me to my friend's party?"
(in a whiny voice) "But why?"
"Because I want to go and I don't feel like staying home."
"But I don't like to go to parties. Can't we just stay here?."
"Tell you what. You stay here for the rest of your boring life and I'll go to the party by myself and find a new guy who actually wants to have fun with me."
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-02-12 19:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-02-10 11:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're the dominatrix I've always wanted.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you party wicked haaard with a strap-on!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must love animals is something I meant to put in mine. I don't trust anyone that doesn't like animals.
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-10 14:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2006-01-10 13:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2006-01-10 13:27:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-01-10 11:15:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
11. Must not be a shallow, high-maintenance bitch with a bloated sense of self-importance.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-01-10 13:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHOOPSIE. You accidentally posted this on Ubersite instead of your own little 'MySpace' where the rest of your arrogant teenage cries for attention are...
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2006-01-10 13:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-01-10 11:15:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
11. Must not be a shallow, high-maintenance bitch with a bloated sense of self-importance.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-01-10 12:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-10 11:53:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess we were never meant to be...
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-10 11:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
badass
Submitted by Azk (user info) at 2006-01-10 11:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I cant possibly give over 0 for the copying.
But as I satisfied 9/10 of the criteria im pretty damn happy. Ive never really enjoyed partying alot :s Not for the sake of just partying anyway, I the only one that thinks that?
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-01-10 11:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
11. Must not be a shallow, high-maintenance bitch with a bloated sense of self-importance.
Submitted by ilikeyoghurt (user info) at 2006-01-10 10:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
After reading all that I've decided that you're probably not worth the effort. It's all "me, me, me." Where's the give and take?
And for the record - no matter how hot a girl is, if her dog bites me I'll punch it in the head until it has no teeth left with which to bite.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2006-01-10 10:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Women like you (99.999% of American women) are the reason I went to Southeast Asia to find a wife.
Where is FatTony on this one?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-10 10:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not so much "inspired by" - more "overt, unfunny rip-off." Meh.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-01-10 10:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:48:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
After long and careful analysis of your work I have decided that you've got a fat ass
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-10 10:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You sound high-maintenance.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:54:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like a cunt.
Watcha doing friday night?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:44:02 (#)
Ranking: -1
no
----
yes
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:44:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
no
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Enough with this horseshit-ego youve created.
You're clearly a pussy.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:19:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for the lesson. it's still funny, though.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:17:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:16:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:09:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:07:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
breeze blocks? is that a brit euphemism for vaginal lips?
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Probably in Scotland.
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Oi
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In all fairness my cousin's wife is scottish and she's lovely.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just so you know Pen, the term fag as a homosexual innuendo is also a British word. back in the day, Public School seniors used to get the younger boys, or Fags as they where known, to perform menial tasks for them such as making tea or sitting on the lavotary seat to warm it up. Needless to say that public schools where hotbeads for buggery and fag became a byword for manpon wearing self harmers everywhere.
Of course later on in the... 50's I think, some genius half inched the term and decided it meant ciggarette. Hence the old boy saying of "Started out as a fag and worked me way up to Ed Cigar."
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:09:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:07:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
breeze blocks? is that a brit euphemism for vaginal lips?
----------
Probably in Scotland.
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Oi
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't believe anything i see on the internet...except the guy who lit his fart on fire and then a candle with that same flaming fart.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe that was a real picture. It's too small and the lighting was too good. Besides, when do you ever see any woman other than TigerLilly wearing a hat? It just doesn't happen in the real world.
'Cept at weddings obviously, but then the picture would have been huge.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
some online dictionary: "cinder blocks are called breeze blocks in England"
ohhhhhhhhhhh
fucking british. where's that quote from loki's post. ah...here.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82028#1773849
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:07:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
breeze blocks? is that a brit euphemism for vaginal lips?
----------
Probably in Scotland.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
11 stone then, maybe 11 and a half. That's the perfect weight. Big enough to sink you fingers into but not too heavy to pick up and play with.
I'm well skinny. I have an over active metabolism. I'm like 9 stone, it's absurd.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
If you eat the soles of a pair of hiking boots, you'll get 80% of your recommended daily dosage of rubber.
-2 for ripping off Chronic's post and not doing it as a parody. It would have been such an easy target.
+1 for being cute in your camwhore the other day.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
breeze blocks? is that a brit euphemism for vaginal lips?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty! You don't ask ladies that kind of question!
I'm 5'7" and curvey but, at the moment, Im TOO curvey... I reckon 2 to 3 months and I'll be sorted, so long as I stop eating shit food, and walk a bit more. Im not going mad about it (been there done that), I just want to be a bit healthier.
Sad to report though - I don't really have much of an arse.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:02:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:58:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now back to the ass thing, I've never liked my hips. They're too bony. Bony hips aren't good. If I could, I'd stick giant corks on the end to stop me bruising people when I'm riding escalators. I'm sure you can imagine the complications during lovemaking.
_____________________________
if your dick is long enough you don't even have to worry about it
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I dunno about that but my tounge is 8 feet long and can crush breeze blocks.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:58:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now back to the ass thing, I've never liked my hips. They're too bony. Bony hips aren't good. If I could, I'd stick giant corks on the end to stop me bruising people when I'm riding escalators. I'm sure you can imagine the complications during lovemaking.
_____________________________
if your dick is long enough you don't even have to worry about it
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How much do you weigh Belle?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 08:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you want to go with me to my friend's party?"
(in a whiny voice) "But why?"
"Because I want to go and I don't feel like staying home."
"But I don't like to go to parties. Can't we just stay here?."
"Tell you what. You stay here for the rest of your boring life and I'll go to the party by myself and find a new guy who actually wants to have fun with me."
____________________
that's me. we wouldn't make a match.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Psh. Don't talk to me about fat asses.
Im on the "fuck - HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE I PUT ON!!!" new year kick at the moment, and refuse to contemplate my fat arse. Instead I am getting my fat arse thin...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now back to the ass thing, I've never liked my hips. They're too bony. Bony hips aren't good. If I could, I'd stick giant corks on the end to stop me bruising people when I'm riding escalators. I'm sure you can imagine the complications during lovemaking.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
score
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, but can i get a royal with cheese.
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You can get a black woman with cellulite if you want.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I quite like fat arses. They don't look good in modern clothes, I'll admit that, but when you remove the clothing and take it in in it's naked glory the fat ass is magnificent. You can really grab it and it's pliant. There is little greater pleasure than taking a woman with a fat bottom from behind.
Seriously. Fat women are minted, it's just our society doesn't cater to them properly.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:53:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:51:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
why can't two people just want to get together and fuck. It's so fucking complicated. Why can't there be like a horny bar where horny males and females go to get laid. granted there would be 6 times as many guys, but i doubt any of them would mind waiting.
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They have those in Amsterdam. You can smoke a joint whilst your waiting too. Not that there's a wait.
________________________
yeah, but can i get a royal with cheese.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:51:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
why can't two people just want to get together and fuck. It's so fucking complicated. Why can't there be like a horny bar where horny males and females go to get laid. granted there would be 6 times as many guys, but i doubt any of them would mind waiting.
------------------
They have those in Amsterdam. You can smoke a joint whilst your waiting too. Not that there's a wait.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry Julie.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:51:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Berty - the name is BADassjenny - not fatassjenny.
(If your names not jenny - sorry I forgot already).
Having a "Bad Ass" could mean a number of things, like having no ass, an ass that makes a lot of noise and then smells bad, or keeps jiggling when everything else has stopped moving.
Granted, the last bad ass there could be interpretted as a "Fat Ass" but the others don't and they're all naughty bottoms.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why can't two people just want to get together and fuck. It's so fucking complicated. Why can't there be like a horny bar where horny males and females go to get laid. granted there would be 6 times as many guys, but i doubt any of them would mind waiting.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 07:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
After long and careful analysis of your work I have decided that you've got a fat ass.