My First Experience With The Law (1786 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.77 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2006-01-10 14:41:14 EST
"I can understand that certain individuals want to be a pansy and just sit by the wayside while revolutionaries such as myself take matters into their own hands, but believe me when I say that they piss me off to no ends for doing this. Why? Because that is not how life was meant to be used; to be wasted upon endless hours of television and ridiculous drivel about the drama going on in everyday life. These people who waste their time in a vegetative state of recluse makes me want to vomit pennies onto the elderly and slit my wrists at ninety degree angles so I can shoot L's of blood onto walls for no particular reason. You think that Morjimo, the blue wolf with an affinity for showtunes and lung cancer that rules over the universe, looks kindly upon one of his creations wasting his precious time? Did I mention that Morjimo used to be an eyeball made out of frozen milk? Guess he found out he was lactose intolerant or something and switched it up some time ago."
That is a direct quote from me around the age of 17. Dumb as shit, stuck in high school, didn't make a lick of sense, and I was technically a hippie from my viewpoint today that was harboring major insecurities about the world around me. I wanted to do something different in the world. I wanted to make my mark on history with one of those permanent black sharpies that might smudge a little bit over time, but is impossible to wipe out even if you have that OxyClean stuff. Though it might seem like I'm shitfaced drunk in that quote, I guarantee you that...........I guarantee things.......like..........I'm a mormon and it's against my religion. Mormons are the funny hat guys, right? I believe in that god guy whose name is Allen something.........with the heaven that has these girls and a pool of beef curry you have sex with them in. All he wants from me is like, hell, I don't think I even have to do anything except kill myself at some point! Tell me that isn't a sweet deal!
But I wasn't always a follower of Allen and his philosophies. I used to be a lost soul that was incapable of compassion. My primary objective for many years was to cause as much terror and chaos as possible, and one fateful day in the spring of '99, an obsession began to brew inside me that would ultimately start and stop my reign as one of America's greatest non-conformists...
It all started with my undying hatred for the U.S. postal system...
You see, it began when I was seven. I had a dog, and that dog was one of the higher-ups within the legislative postal branch of mailing or whatever it's called. He came up with a new technology known only as "affordable space travel", and supposedly he was forced into selling this information to the Russians when they threatened to end my life via alcohol poisoning if he didn't turn over the documents immediately. He ended up in a gunfight with former soviet president Mikhail Gorbachev on top of a skyscraper, and was killed when one of the guns that was scotch-taped to his paws came undone and fired a bullet through his cranium when the pistol hit the ground. As I hid behind a generator in the freezing rain on top of that massive McDonald's, I watched as Gorbachev slowly ate the remains of my four-legged friend and spoke that crazy Charlie Brown teacher "wah wah" shit that I can't understand. The only word I could make out was "mail", and came to the conclusion that my dog was killed by the post office so that they could claim his hard work as their own.
Move ten years ahead, and you will see that I have grown into a man that has destroyed close to 1,000 mailboxes over the past decade. I had an arsenal of weapons, and 3 friends who won't be named for security purposes that were willing to support my cause to the death. Most people use wooden or aluminum bats when they bash mailboxes, which is a full dose of godamn retarded if you ask me. Bats are for leisure bashing, and that was not my intent. My weapon of choice went by the name of "Hammertime"; a giant, forty pound sledgehammer that demolished anything short of being made out of pure concrete. Friend #1 often went with "The Jolly Green Giant"; a large, green pickaxe that came in handy for the mailboxes that were encased in cages specifically to protect their precious box of mail from people just like us. Friend #2 was our "demolitions" expert, and dealt with the multiplex mailboxes made of steel using an ample amount of M-80's and other illegal, high-powered fireworks we could pick up from Indiana. Friend #3 was, well he was fucking insane but a good man nonetheless. He would often carry a gun (not sure what kind, i'm not a gun buff) he lovingly named "Lucille" that was passed down to him from his father. We tried to minimize the usage of Lucille due to the fact that, suprise, guns are really fucking loud and don't really do much damage beyond holing one up, but you'll find it's hard to argue with someone who likes to point it at your leg without the safety on and make BANG BANG sounds every five minutes like it never loses it's humour.
All was going well. The cops weren't even close to figuring out who was behind our tyrades, and we only had one close call where we were chased by some stupid jerk in a Sunfire who wasn't even gutsy enough to run a redlight at 2:00 a.m. in the morning and continue the hunt. We were getting more ballsy as well. In one weekend, we estimated that we had caused close to $5,000 worth of damage. That's like a six year supply of candy bars!!!
Things couldn't have been going better. I was making the statement I so longed for, had a girlfriend that ate black people, and Seinfeld was still on television, I think. For the first time in my life since I watched Gorbachev consume the one thing that I loved as a child I was fulffiled; I was whole. That is, I was whole until I heard about the manatee.
The manatee mailbox represents everything that is wrong with this country. If you ever decide that the way you want to be remembered when you die is as the person with the 3k seacow mailbox, then be my guest. THEY'RE HERBIVORES AND THEY ARE FAT, FRUITLESS WASTES OF NATURE. But to each his own, I guess.
I will admit, it's a spectacle to behold when you first see it. Around 4 feet tall, bolted into the ground, and smiling away like it doesn't mind being a subserviant mail-bitch for your family. The owners of this particular mailbox lived about ten minutes from our usual bashing grounds, and we didn't even know it existed until my senior year. I didn't know who the owners were and didn't care, frankly; it was better this way. I was going to make the ultimate statement to the people of Ohio by destroying something they view as pure and virginal. I was going to burn and kill that godamn manatee that was never alive in the first place.
Simply burning a mailbox is easy when you make enough napalm, but I wanted for this to be more publicly known. I wanted this manatee to be set ablaze in front of the drive-thru (our town square) for everyone to gaze upon and see the bloodlust and greed that overruns our postal system on a daily basis. After weeks of planning and hours spent on surveying the mailbox, we came up with a surefire plan to overtake the seacow peacefully. Unfortunately, rumors were flying all over the school, and things were getting harder for me and my comrades to cover up. By the time the day had come for us to get the ball rolling, all of my friends backed out on me in fear of being caught, which was fine by me. They always did it for fun, while I always did it with a true purpose. This was going to be my time, not theirs.
After all that planning and formulating ideas, this is what the final plan consisted of: tie some chains around the beast, then tie the chains to the back of my Durango, and gun it. This took weeks, people, weeks of planning to come up with that. Pretty stupid in retrospect, but I was running low on time and money invested into this project.
I arrived a little before 1:00 in the evening on a Sunday and set my plan into motion. The manatee gazed silently upon me as I wrapped the metal chains around his waist, as if it wanted it's freedom from this hell nearly as bad as I. I kept glancing down the street, expecting someone to stop and ask what I was doing, but no one came. Five minutes later, I'm in my car and tugging at this motherfucker like there's no tomorrow. At first it held fast, and I was sure that this was going to fall apart in my face, when suddenly I felt the car jerk forwards after what felt like an eternity. I looked into my rearview mirror and saw the manabox laying stiffly in the street, and I could have sworn that he was smiling from ear to ear. With my gallons of napalm riding safely buckled up in the backseat, I made my way towards the drive-thru to end this ridiculous chapter of my life. This is where things go from bliss to devastation in around approximately a few minutes.
Being the genius that I am, I decided to take a little cruise with my new trophy still in tow behind my car. Adrenaline and a dose of capitalism had taken over the blood in my veins, and the sheer power that I felt was consuming me. Fuck plans. I am invincible now. I'm taking this thing to Tijuana and selling it for hookers and burritos, maybe some prescription drugs if I had enough time. Manatees, especially plastic ones, are considered gods in Mexico, much the same way cats were considered deities by the Egyptians. Greed became my roadside companion, and without a seconds thought about somebody becoming suspicious about a guy dragging this giant symbolism of evil behind his car, I jumped on the interstate and made my way towards what I thought was going to be my new home.
I was in jail within a matter of hours. It took them forever to book me because my story was, in their words, "straight from the mouth of a crackhead", and that I wasn't being totally honest with them. I ended up spending the night in the holding tank and getting tagged with a few minor charges such as trespassing and destruction of private property. I got a few fines and had to do a ridiculous amount of community service, but never had to do anymore time. The manatee was pretty much scraped to bits by the road, so I had to throw myself into a huge amount of debt to buy the family a new, more expensive golden cow mailbox that holds your mail in the crack of it's ass for you.
That was close to six years ago. I've come to accept the fact that nothing I do will change the fact that people are selfish, greedy assholes who think that whoever has the coolest and most expensive stuff when they die wins like a bottle of cologne on their way into heaven. I also see that the postal system is dying a slow death thanks to e-mail anwyays, so I've given up that fight a long time ago. I am now a man devoted to my new god Allen and cleansing myself of impurities and disease in preparation of that beef curry virgin sex I signed up for. Godamn, that has got to be amazing!
So, in summation, if you ever come across a plastic manatee and have the growing urge to destroy it, leave it be. Some dumbass such as myself will eventually come along and take care of it for you in a more grandiose and idiotic way than you could ever imagine.
Oh, and if you happen to know Gorbachev on a friendly basis, tell that commie thug I'm going to enjoy gutting him to find what's left of my dog.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 04:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never understood how so many kids hated mail boxes at that age.
A couple of kids at my school used to blow the fuckers up with chlorine bombs and take photos of the carnage afterwards.
They stopped before they got caught, but then they didn't drag one behind a car on the motorway either.
Awesome story.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-11 00:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we use to find the remnants, of people, who participated in this sort of activity in certain
portions of our city...and especially around the first and fifteenth of each month
of course, they were handled as misdemeanor homicides
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 22:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess some of what you say is true, glall, but when i think of uber i think of it as comedic pornography. Sure it's dirty, and sloppy, but sometimes people just want to get off.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-10 22:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't deny that this was pretty awesome.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-10 20:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tinactin, you know that guy? Jesus, I'm sorry.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-10 19:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously? I was thinking he was the president of some medium-sized successful business in the Mideast. He's got potential to take over the world, in my opinion.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. That guy is an employee of mine
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hahahahahaha hey, do what you gotta do man, I think it's hilarious you went through all the trouble to do this. You missed quite a few of my posts, though. DON'T FUCK UP MY FIRST SPAMMING YOU COCKSUCKER.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:34:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wow looks like you lost half a point there with ur posts and my keen reviewing... heheee hope the hits make u feel better
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
waah mommas boy
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-10 17:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aah, the memories this brings up.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-01-10 17:33:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf im not reading all that
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-10 17:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You just rocked my face right off.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-01-10 17:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would never have guessed you would find manatee lovers in Ohio. I thought that was a Floridian thing. Like homosexuality.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude is high on his own supply.
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:41:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was entertained.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEAT
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't think that I forgot about your invitation, Nerf. I'll see you in three days.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sure it would get rained with praise pen, or shot-down, the ratings here really doesn't have so much to do with the story quality (it might be like 40%), but the rest has to do with timing, title, who/what/how you've been rating others etc..
This is just an idea I had for my stand-up act; i tried a more summarized and bizarre version of it last weekend and i didn't get a peep from the audience, so I foolishly thought "hey, if I fleshed it out some it would make a great uber post". It's also a known fact that the only things that make it to most heated are either questions, racy/debatle issues in the news, TMI posts, or someone who's been sucking the +2 dickpipe of well-known users. But thanks Voltage, we'll definitely hang out when I decide to visit our nation's capital and rape that fat fuck Grimace, GRIMACE YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU STOLE MY SHOES WHEN I WAS IN BALL PIT. I wasn't wearing tennis shoes, either. I roll with boots, man.
Oh, and B@W.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:21:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hotter.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hot.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:25:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
uh.....let's see I need some heat so.......I'm uh........I've got shingles. Gave them to shandy and now he's having my child. I'm addicted to heroin. Gay people are sub-human? I want mass genocide of domesticated animals?
----
Seriously dude, outdo my Most Heated post. It won't go away fast enough.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe i'll write it anyway. i can see how many people read reviews.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-10 16:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"without a seconds thought about somebody becoming suspicious about a guy dragging this giant symbolism of evil behind his car"
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Seriously dude, if you are in DC ever, we are chilling.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
yeah that's pretty shenanigenous pen, unlike this true piece of history. Well, except for me being Muslim/believing in a god, or trying to go to Tijuana, or the whole thing about me going to high school, or ever having friends...
I'm going to KILL MYSELF.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm the biggest bullshitter. i think up titles and write posts around them.
i was toying with "I promissed to watch your kid; i didn't agree to let him rub his nuts in my face"
You know...i would be babysitting and his older brother would get him to do it, i'd wake up screaming, while he laughed "teabag, teabag."
made me laugh, but i think people are tiring of obvious shenanigans.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
uh.....let's see I need some heat so.......I'm uh........I've got shingles. Gave them to shandy and now he's having my child. I'm addicted to heroin. Gay people are sub-human? I want mass genocide of domesticated animals?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-10 15:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was skimming and i thought i saw "beef curtains."
fucking uber.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-10 14:51:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Fish Mongrels.