Imagine the softness: A reach around from Snuffleupagus (803 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.4 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2006-01-11 08:42:02 EST
Breaking News......
Police Commissioner Con Tainariot has confirmed both Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin and Sesame Street's Cookie Monster are behind bars tonight.
In a bizarre turn of events, both were arrested after doing interviews on celebrity news program "E News."
Lawyers for both Mr Martin and Mr Monster say they will apply for bail on the basis that the reporters on E News are boorish, surgery enhanced fucktards.
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Earlier that day.....
Welcome to this edition of Entertainment News. I'm random no name bimbo, Tracey Newman.
First up today, I chat to Cold Play front man Chris Martin about music, love and fatherhood. Well I would have if I hadn't fucked it all up with my poor interviewing technique.
<Interview commences>
Bimbo: Chris, you've been called the bland boy of rock, and with good reason. And what the hell were you thinking calling your child Apple?
Chris Martin: <shocked expression, short silence> Fuck you, you bottle blonde bitch!
PUNCH
How do you like them Apples?
Bimbo: Ow! My nose! Do you realise how much this thing cost?
CM: Not half as much as those double E silicone airbags you've just had installed.
Bimbo: You're right, Chris, I apologise. I'm afraid we've gotten off on the wrong foot.
CM: Let's just continue on, shall we.
Bimbo: What do you have to say about the rumours that you and Gwyneth Paltrow shot a home porn movie, where you allegedly produce a tub of KY Jelly and croon "I will tryyyy..... to fist you." ?
CM: I refer you to my response to your previous question. <breaks down into tears> This interview is over.
<Back to studio>
A remarkably evasive Chris Martin there. Time to move on to our next interview, and earlier today, I caught up with the legendary Cookie Monster, of Sesame Street fame.
<Interview commences>
Bimbo: Thank you for joining me, Cookie. First let me congratulate you on being such an endearing character over the years, but I must know how you've kept such a trim figure while scarfing cookies for so long.
Cookie Monster: Well, if you must know, Cookie Monster has been banging Snuffleupagus in between scenes for the last 8 years. I had to climb a step ladder to do that fucker doggy style, so it was great exercise. And the best thing was, when I was the "catcher", he give me a reach around with that fluffy trunk of his.
Bimbo: So you're gay?
Cookie: I'm bi.
Bimbo: Care to comment on rumours that Bert and Ernie dodge the pink stink wallet?
Cookie: Do the words "flaming homosexuals" mean anything to you? (laughs) Although I'm sure it wasn't all paradise on their little island. Both of them found time to make Elmo their bitch, which caused more friction than a session of anal with no lube.
Bimbo: Wow, now that sounds like fun.
Cookie: Do you like to have fun, Tracey? Maybe you and I could skip this interview and head to my puppet box for a quick back rub and a few Oreos.
Bimbo: I'm flattered, Cookie, but I don't think that would be very professional of meeee OOOWWW!
Cookie: Titties, Cookie Monster like titties! Um yum yum.
Bimbo: You bit my nipple! Get him the fuck OFF ME!
Cookie: More, more titties, yum yum yum.
<Back to studio>
Bimbo: Oh that Cookie Monster, he's such a gruff, manly thing. Well that's all we have time for on E News today. Tune in the same time tomorrow, and until then, goodbye and good night.
- Inspired by my hatred of gossip magazines, Entertainment Tonight and all media of a similar nature. To them I say, fuck you very much for your efforts all these years.
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
muppetry of the penis.
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That Cookie Monster...what a bitch...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-11 12:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't bad...Auto +2 for use of "snuffleufagas" or however it's spelled, in the title.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-11 12:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:52:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
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That's true, Sacrilicious, but I was working on the premise that that persona was an "act" as part of the Sesame Street character. But the fact that I actually have to explain something so trivial means that this post didn't work.
I can't believe I actually posted this shit. Meh. At least you lot now have a better idea just how fucked in the head I really am.
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It's probably my problem and not yours. It comes with not having the ability to devote as much attention to a post as I'd like to at work. It went right over my head.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-11 12:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You people are nuts. This was great.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:44:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
This was fun, but CM doesn't talk like that. He's a monster of fewer words. He'd say: "Cookie Monster been banging Snuffleupagus for last 8 years. Had to climb step ladder to do fucker doggy style, great exercise. When I was "catcher", he give me reach around with fluffy trunk."
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That's true, Sacrilicious, but I was working on the premise that that persona was an "act" as part of the Sesame Street character. But the fact that I actually have to explain something so trivial means that this post didn't work.
I can't believe I actually posted this shit. Meh. At least you lot now have a better idea just how fucked in the head I really am.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was fun, but CM doesn't talk like that. He's a monster of fewer words. He'd say: "Cookie Monster been banging Snuffleupagus for last 8 years. Had to climb step ladder to do fucker doggy style, great exercise. When I was "catcher", he give me reach around with fluffy trunk."
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bizarre, in a +1 sort of way...
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*heating up a spoonful of cookie dough in a bathroom stall*
"GO AWAY!"
The "fist you" part did it for me.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll give it a +1 because you used reach around in the title
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:07:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-11 08:50:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
"I will tryyyy..... to fist you."
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Gold
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I was hoping a few people would get that. I swear, the first time I heard that song, that's what I thought the lyrics were.
Which probably says alot about me.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-11 08:50:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
"I will tryyyy..... to fist you."
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Gold
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Marginal. Just a little better than meh.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you like them Apples?
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Yes.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how do you like them apples?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Weird.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-11 08:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I will tryyyy..... to fist you."
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-01-11 08:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Down with Heat magazine.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 08:43:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, this post sucks, but I've been choking on my own rage for too long about this.