We’ll Kiss If You Pay Attention To Us (4828 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.98 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2006-01-11 09:14:21 EST
Hey! Hey guys! Hey! Over here! Hi. Okay, so we know what you guys are thinking, but I'm afraid we've got some bad news for you....
We are not going to kiss each other!
No way. So just get that dirty little thought right out of your heads, you perverts. We know that no one has even suggested that we kiss each other yet, but we're sure it's just a matter of time. After all, it's every guy's dream to watch two girls making out. Right? Of course it is. Just the thought of it is probably getting you all turned on and making you want us. Right? Is it?
Well regardless, it ain't gonna happen. Because we are not those kind of girls. So you guys might as well just shove off.
Wait! Where are you going!? Hold on! Let's talk about this! Come back!
Okay. Good. Sorry for yelling. Now, we are well aware that we are not the most attractive girls at this party. Not by a long shot. I myself am by no means a basket of cherries and Sharon here is a 4 at best. But I would imagine that the thought of the two of us making out hardcore with each other is enough to help you overcome those inarguable facts and want to hang around us, right?
Sure it is. Well we are very sorry to disappoint you, you dirty birds, but it's not going to happen. Even though you probably really want it to. Because we have reputations to uphold and we're not that drunk yet.
Wait! Don't leave! Yes we are! We're wasted! Hey!
Welcome back. All right, you guys win. We'll kiss. But if we do this, and oh my God I can't believe we are actually considering this, can you Sharon? If we do this, it will just be a quick little kiss and that's it. Closed mouth. No funny business. Because after all, we're not shameless whores. Deal?
Come back! We're whores! Huge whores! It'll be sloppy and uncomfortably long! Look at us! Please! We'll do it! We will!
All right. Now, I just want to remind you that as we have established we may not be the prettiest girls here, but we are the ones that are willing to disgrace ourselves for your pleasure. I mean, do you think you could ever get those more attractive females to deep throat kiss each other for twenty minutes straight in order to win your collective drunken approval? I think not! Because they don't have to. We, on the other hand, are clinging to this desperate tool with all of our might. Because we really need your attention.
You see, I'm from a broken home. My father was distant and never around, so I crave male acceptance and companionship. And Sharon used to get felt up by her stepdad. So there it is.
Okay, we're going to do it. But I was thinking that maybe you guys could give us your phone numbers before we kiss this time. The only reason I suggest that is because we find that a lot of times, once we are done kissing, guys just leave and don't talk to us any more. My guess is that even though they might be temporarily aroused and intrigued by our lack of inhibition, they are inevitably repulsed by us as people and don't want to make us a part of their actual lives.
No? You guys don't like that plan? No phone numbers? Just kiss? Okay. We can do that. Here goes.....
Mmmmmm...... We can taste each others' insecurities.........
Okay. So what did you guys think? Pretty hot, huh? Do you want to buy us dinners and let us meet you families now? Anyone? No?
Wait! Don't leave! We have tattoos in weird places! We could show them to you! Come back!
User Reviews
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2007-06-24 20:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-30 11:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2006-12-08 11:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-19 23:11:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will be totally honest here, but please don't pull my membership card for the great male race.
I don't like lesbians OR lesbian porn.
Seriosuly, what do you get out of a scene where two girls lick and use toys?
I get nothing.
I want an ending to a scene, not just "OK, we've used all the toys and faked an orgasm, I'm done."
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Did your circumcision go horribly wrong?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:18:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAHAHAHAHA! My college roommate Fatima and I used to make out so the hotdog stand guy would hook us up with freebies. God, we were such whores.
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was anyone else surprised? no?
just checking.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-05-05 10:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-19 23:11:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will be totally honest here, but please don't pull my membership card for the great male race.
I don't like lesbians OR lesbian porn.
Seriosuly, what do you get out of a scene where two girls lick and use toys?
I get nothing.
I want an ending to a scene, not just "OK, we've used all the toys and faked an orgasm, I'm done."
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I have no response.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-19 23:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will be totally honest here, but please don't pull my membership card for the great male race.
I don't like lesbians OR lesbian porn.
Seriosuly, what do you get out of a scene where two girls lick and use toys?
I get nothing.
I want an ending to a scene, not just "OK, we've used all the toys and faked an orgasm, I'm done."
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-03-19 23:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:20:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, so true.
While we're on this subject (which is one of my favourites by the way) I once heard someone say that guys don't actually like lesbians, they like lesbian porn.
Truth be told I reckon that's pretty accurate.
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I have hung around a few lesbians/ gays in my time. I always wondered why, when men are gay, they are immaculately dressed, gorgeous, great dress sense, yet when women become gay, they lose all taste and style and look.... awful?
Better to have two straight chicks making out then two lesbians any day.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-19 22:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like that other site you post on. What's the scoop with it?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-19 22:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-08 17:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dang, how did I miss this one?
Submitted by FistSoup (user info) at 2006-01-12 00:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hate to say it, but it's chicks like this that make me want to go to these parties in the first place.
Otherwise, meh, what's the point? I can get fucked up just the same, but with a better quality beer at my own house. Plus, I don't have to share my weed with anyone I don't want to.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-11 21:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup, sums it up pretty nicely.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-11 20:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha...
very funny.
and before you ask, no, I have never kissed a girl.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-11 20:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-01-11 20:12:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAH!!!
This is a masterpiece.
I love the inner monologue that you do with your charactors.
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I was hopi, yeah, a hopi indian that thought you were dead? Unless you are dead? THERE'S AN AFTERLIFE!?!?!?! AND PEOPLE STILL COME TO UBERSITE?!?!?!?!?!?!? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-01-11 20:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAH!!!
This is a masterpiece.
I love the inner monologue that you do with your charactors.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-11 16:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Initially I saw "We're not going to kiss each other" and I was thinking this was a -2. But really, this is worthy of B@W.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-11 16:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking classic.
There's a pair at every party.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High fucking five.
Submitted by Azk (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna say it....
B@W
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Smooth move.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bad.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmmmmm...... We can taste each others' insecurities.........
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is it sad that i'll kiss girls for free without being asked?
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES! MORE MORE!
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:18:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAHAHAHAHA! My college roommate Fatima and I used to make out so the hotdog stand guy would hook us up with freebies. God, we were such whores.
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Hey! I *AM* that hotdog stand guy! I can't believe you ladies actually ate my special sauce! No, there's no such thing as white ketchup!
Submitted by JackalFett (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking attention whores. We should band together and ignore all of them ... forcing them to develop some personality.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:15:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:47:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
thus fueled is my cynicalism.
------------------------
You mean cynicism?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to say again how much better this is than pretty much anything that has been on Uber lately.
Thanks.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:51:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:44:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:23:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm...... We can taste each others' insecurities.........
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
seeing girls kiss is all well and good in a porn movie but when i saw it in front of me it was uninteresting as fuck.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thats good.
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:11:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't HAVE to give them your phone number for them to kiss each other?? DAMNIT!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"So there it is" is an underused phrase. Thank you for getting it back into the mainstream.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR HAR.
Destroy all monsters
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls Gone Wild, Vol.48
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you go. Don't waste it all in one place.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:44:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:23:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm...... We can taste each others' insecurities.........
+2 for that alone.
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Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:48:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:23:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm...... We can taste each others' insecurities.........
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thus fueled is my cynicalism.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:45:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitches and ho's
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:23:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm...... We can taste each others' insecurities.........
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by Quale (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny as fuck
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love those girls.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:35:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:20:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, so true.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm...... We can taste each others' insecurities.........
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God. How fucking true...
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats a surprisingly gross picture
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, so true.
While we're on this subject (which is one of my favourites by the way) I once heard someone say that guys don't actually like lesbians, they like lesbian porn.
Truth be told I reckon that's pretty accurate.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've hit the nail on the head.
Down with attention seeking whores!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAHAHAHAHA! My college roommate Fatima and I used to make out so the hotdog stand guy would hook us up with freebies. God, we were such whores.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
plus fucking 4!!!!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a kicker ass post, but you lost it a little in the end couple of paragraphs. Aww, screw it, take a 2.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Posted it here 1st - http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=1981&SectionID=11&LayoutType=1