Have a problem? Ask Beer_bong! (627 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.42 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beer_bong (View user info) at 2006-01-11 09:35:11 EST
Ever feel like the world is conspiring against you? Like nobody else gets you? Well, get over it you fucking pansy.
For those of you who aren't in 9th grade, why not let some random internet stranger help you with your problems. I'm at least 6.2 times smarter than Ann Landers. Dear Abby? FUCK HER! I'll kick her ass 17 ways from Sunday in a barfight. Those old cunts probably won't even answer you're letter.
Fuck all those other so called "experts" with their "credibility" and their "college degrees" and "real world experience". Thats all bullshit. What you need, is someone who has way too much fucking free time. Thats were I come in.
I have nothing better to do than help you with your problems.
So for any of you who are contemplating suicide, a sex change operation or maybe just need a swift kick in the ass, send your questions to askbeerbong.at.gmail.com or you can call 1-800-Beerbong. Nobody will answer if you call, and if someone does, it sure as shit isn't me. But you can call.
Look, I know you're pathetic. I know you're bored. I know you're depressed. I know you have no motivation to do anything. Why not get help from someone even more pathetic, bored, depressed, and with even less motivation?!
Send your letters askbeerbong.at.gmail.com
You won't regret it. Actually, you totally will. But who cares, nobody likes you anyway.
User Reviews
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2006-01-11 21:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
According to my employer - 7 Percent of U.S. Employees Drink on the Job. Should I drink to raise the % ?
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-01-11 17:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is your beer bong made of vodka?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-11 16:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God damn tabloids. They just screwed me out of a new washer and dryer or dinette set.
DAMN YOU TABLOIDS!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fist - camwhore of your pussy. its the only way o be sure.
Bong, Yesterday this dick cut me off in traffic, so I honked at him but then he flipped me off. I followed him honking constantly till he freaked out and started trying to lose me. He couldn't. Anyway, this back story doesn't really have to do with my question so I'll get right to the point: what wine goes well with roasted human flesh?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:41:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got one - Im all out of ideas on what to write...
So, what should I write beerbong?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:13:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you know where I can get a hit man for hire?
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I can answer this:
Eurohitman.
Its a subsiduary of Eurocar - you get very good deals if you hire them for the weekend, but make sure you fill them up before you take them back, or you get diddled.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sadly, the HELP-KEEP-TEEPHPHAH-ENTERTAINED-DURING-HIS-BORING-AS-SHIT-WORKDAY SHOW has lost most, if not all advertizing support since those ugly rumors concerning my eating disorder and the photos showing me snorting cocaine whilst massaging the feet of Kim Jung Il surfaced. As a result the only prizes I'm allowed to award to winners on the show are a few hits and a smattering of +2s.
I blame the tabloid press. You should too.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WOOHOO I WON WON WON WON WON!!!
Wait, what did I win?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Do you know where I can get a hit man for hire?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:30:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Teeph- Monkey butt
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Ohhhh! So close! We were looking for "chicken butt." Thank you for playing our game; we have some lovely parting gi . . .
Eh? What's that?
Reaaaaaly? Hmmm.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I've just been informed that our judges have determined that "Monkey butt" IS an acceptible response in light of the botched question, which should have read, "Guess what?"
CONGRATULATIONS <<BEER_BONG>>, YOU'RE TODAY'S BIG WIENER ON THE HELP-KEEP-TEEPHPHAH-ENTERTAINED-DURING-HIS-BORING-AS-SHIT-WORKDAY SHOW!!!!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-11 11:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'HEY LOOK A MONKEY!
*Runs away* '
You just earned yourself a +2 for that
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How do I get people to stop thinking I'm Urbane's alter?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:43:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Those old cunts probably won't even answer YOU'RE letter.
_______________________
I think you did this intentionally to piss off the people who nitpick. +2 for that.
Uh, yeah, thats it. I'm not stupid or too lazy to proof read. I was just testing you all.
HEY LOOK A MONKEY!
*Runs away*
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:52:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHat is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
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Depends...is it and African or European swallow?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those old cunts probably won't even answer YOU'RE letter.
_______________________
I think you did this intentionally to piss off the people who nitpick. +2 for that.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I never read Average_Dan's post. Actually, I probably did, but I don't remember it. Anywho, this isn't meant to be a take off of his post, I'm bored and thought this would be a good idea.
Teeph- Monkey butt
HighVoltage- Your question, should it be deemed worthy of my infite wisdom, will be answered in a future post.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:28:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried this once with sexual problems.
But I thought better of it after someone emailed me some problems that even I, qualified as I am, found too distressing to discuss.
I did make a lot of money from the pics though.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sent you a fucking email. And I expect a reply.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You know what?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It makes sense that someone would pick up where Average_Dan's "The Answer Man" thing left off, considering the baldy ran off to the hills or something.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't Average_Dan do something like this that made B@W?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: Can you make a bull shot?
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I feel an itchy sensation under all of my skin. What the flock is going on? Was it the 20 Niacin pills or do I have the HiV?
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHat is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:47:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hypothetically speaking, can a dog get pregnant if you have sex with it more than once a month?
hypothetically speaking, of course.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How do I go about reversing a circumcision?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you leave a name in the body of the email, I'll post it. Otherwise, they will be anonymous.
Some people, however, will be put on my private list of who not to fuck at an Ubercon. Just for safety's sake.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i was totally going to do this, you beat me to it :P
my answers would have sucked anyway.
sooo.,... when you publish them are they going to be anonymous, or are you going to tell who asked the question?.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:37:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can babies be aborted with a cake-mixer?