Problems & Solutions with Gay Nipples (1862 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.97 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-01-12 05:44:18 EST
Ever since I got back from Thailand my sleeping has been fantastic. I've been falling asleep before midnight most nights, when previously it's been not much before 3am since I was about eight or nine years old. That for me is great.
So Sunday night I was fast asleep, when suddenly I woke up at about three o'clock, in agony. It felt like someone had just taken a knife to my chest. I sat bolt upright and flicked the light on next to my bed.
Looking down, my chest seemed fine, no wounds, blood, bruises, anything. Yet something didn't look quite right. So I got up and went into the bathroom to check in the mirror.
Carefully checking everything, I finally realised. It looked like my left nipple was lower than my right one. And it was so obvious that it could not have been like that before. Gently I pressed at the nipple and it slid upwards and back into place.
After the initial shock I pressed at it again, but nothing happened. Now it seemed to be back in its place it was apparently fixed in place. I turned the light off and made my way back to my bed. As soon as the light went off I heard a sigh of relief coming from my chest.
I instantly pulled the light back on and dived in front of the mirror again. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw my left nipple was part way across my chest.
"Shit!" I heard, and it flew back into place.
"What the fuck is going on?" I yelled as loud as I dare at night time, not wanting to wake everyone else up.
Just silence.
"I said what the fuck is going on?"
More silence.
Taking a deep breath I flicked my left nipple as hard as I could. Now, I may not be the strongest guy, but my flicks are the things of legends. I swear I could have brought Godzilla down with a finger and thumb.
Muffling my own scream of pain, I heard another one coming from my nipple.
"What the hell?" It yelled at me. "You aren't supposed to do shit like that to yourself!"
"Then tell me what's going on." I said.
"We're in love." My right one suddenly said.
"What?" I asked.
"Love. We're in love. Me and Left can't get enough of each other. And we aren't going to let you or anyone else stand in our way."
"Left?"
"That's me." My left nipple said.
"I got that, thanks."
"And I'm Right."
"No shit." I was sure someone had spiked my drink the night before. "How the fuck can you be in love?"
"Since you started sleeping longer, we've gotten to know each other." Right said. "And we never realised how much we have in common before."
"You're both nipples and you're both on my chest. What could you not have in common? And also, aren't you both male? Don't you kind of inherit that trait from me?"
"So?" Right said. "Love should not be separated by gender."
"Don't get me wrong," I begin rubbing my forehead, trying to deal with my oncoming headache in advance. "I'm not homophobic,"
"Here we go." Left moaned.
"But I'm not sure I can really agree with having gay body parts."
"Let me put it this way." Right started to sound nasty. "There is absolutely FUCK ALL YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Except make it easier for us, of course."
"What do you mean?"
"Well you have this hair between us. How about removing it?"
"Get fucked. That hair is there for a very specific reason."
"We can make things very uncomfortable for you." Right said.
Suddenly the world turned to red as one of the worst pains I've ever felt shot through my body. I looked down, and through the red veil I seemed to be wearing I could see Right twisting himself in all sorts of directions.
I reached over to the little pot on the shelf and grabbed the pair of tweezers. Struggling through the unbelievable agony I gripped Left in them and pinched. The pain was nearly doubled, but only for a second as Right stopped suddenly.
The second he did I released Left.
"I'll get you bastards pierced." I panted.
"Go ahead." Right said, despite Left's sudden gasp. "It won't stop us. Nothing can stop our love. It's too strong, even death won't stop us. Right, Left?"
"Urr...sure." Left hesitantly replied, but I believed Right didn't care. There went my bluff.
After a few moments of silence I turned the light off and went back to bed, pretending to sleep. It took a few minutes, but I finally heard the conversation I was planning on listening in on.
"I told you, you shouldn't have bitten me." Left was saying. "I knew we'd wake him."
"Good." Right said. "I'm glad. I'm not ashamed of you. Are you ashamed of me?"
"No, not at all. Just..."
"You ashamed of what we do?"
"I just feel like I'm always the bitch." Left sounded really down.
"Well that's because you are. Now get here you."
I forced myself to block out the moans that I heard.
--
Monday I left work early and headed straight into town and went into the first sex shop I came across. It's hard to believe that Salisbury, which doesn't have a comic shop, has managed to get multiple sex shops.
I was dreading meeting a stereotype in there. So my prayers were firmly ignored when I first passed a shady looking guy in a brown trench coat on my way to the counter, behind which was stood a guy in a tight pink top and a sailor hat. I didn't dare look below the waist.
"I was wondering if you could help me?" I said, instantly regretting it. What is it about me with clichés?
"Sure I could, Captain." He winked and nodded his sailor hat in my direction.
"I'm after a very specific tool." Again, instantly regretting it, as his eyes widened.
"I think I've got the exact thing you're looking for, right..." He rubbed his hand down his chest, then over his stomach.
"I need something to keep my nipples apart." I said before crotches got involved.
"Apart from what?" His finger went into his mouth, striking a pose that would forever ruin my schoolgirl fantasy.
"Each other."
"That burly chest should take care of that." I swear to god, if this asshole growls or purrs at me again, I will bring his neck with the first thing I can grab I thought. Being surrounded by dildos, I thought better of it, as the evidence in the court case could be awkward.
"It's mostly flab and tit." I said to him, desperate to turn him off. "And like I said, it's very specific. They keep visiting each other, and I need to stop it."
"Naughty." He winked at me.
"I'm straight now fuck off." I decided to yell. "I need something to keep my gay nipples from fucking!"
Instantly his hand was up, palm facing me. "Leave." He said in the gayest voice you can imagine.
"Useless prick." I muttered, as I turned to leave.
--
Basking in my failure I decided to just give up and drive home.
When I got into my car I heard a little voice from inside my shirt.
"Nath." It hissed.
I unbuttoned my shirt and looked down.
"Who is it? Left or Right?"
"It's Left. Be quiet, because Right's sleeping. You have to help me."
"What? You can..."
"I want out." I was silenced. "I don't want to be with Right anymore. He's an asshole and forces me into stuff I don't actually want to do. I thought it was love, but it wasn't. It was a lack of options. I'm not really gay."
"I don't care if you are gay." I said, forcing across my non-homophobia. "I just don't want my body parts fucking each other."
"What about your hand and..."
"That's different." I quickly cut in. "Just tell Right that you don't want to."
"I can't." Left said. "It would just make living with him impossible. You've got to help me!"
"What can I do?"
"You have to kill him. Over there, look."
I looked up and saw the tattoo and body piercing place.
"You won't need to leave anything in. Just have him pierced. Kill him and than take it out. Please. Free me."
Right woke up part way through, screaming. The guy threading the needle had no idea what was going on, but was persistent, finally forcing it through the rest of the way. The screams turned to a gargle. The gargle turned to silence.
As I was walking back out, I just heard Left say quietly under my shirt, "Thank you."
User Reviews
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-04-20 05:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-18 11:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-13 00:28:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least it's not your testicles.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-13 00:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I talk to my nipples all of the time.
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-01-12 19:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nipples
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-01-12 18:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"His finger went into his mouth, striking a pose that would forever ruin my schoolgirl fantasy. "
Haha
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-12 18:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't know how i feel about this, i think I feel like it missed the target a bit.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-12 17:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woah, incredible AND completely out of nowhere.
i like it.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-12 17:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And where is the fucking camwhore bitch?
-Dave
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-12 16:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-12 07:15:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I... I don't know what to say...
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-12 15:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 "What about your hand and..."
sweet sweetness! B@W!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-12 14:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
+2 salisbury
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-12 13:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-12 13:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't believe it hasn't been said yet..
SHOW US YER TITS!!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-12 12:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-12 12:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gay nipple fucking.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-12 12:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fanfuckingtastic. Nicely done.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-01-12 11:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-12 10:57:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-12 09:31:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-12 08:06:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W Gold
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-12 11:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, my testicles did something like that once.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-12 11:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-12 10:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-12 09:31:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-12 08:06:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W Gold
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2006-01-12 10:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Time to lay off the 'shrooms, dude.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-12 10:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good to know
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-12 09:31:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-12 08:06:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W Gold
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-12 09:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh ya. I've been there.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-01-12 08:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um. Oooooooookay?
B@W. I think. Maybe?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-12 08:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was... weird...
But Good.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-12 08:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W Gold
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-12 07:39:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very well
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-01-12 07:29:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you live 'over there'
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-12 07:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't care if you are gay." I said, forcing across my non-homophobia. "I just don't want my body parts fucking each other."
"What about your hand and..."
"That's different." I quickly cut in.
------------------------------------------------
Bwahahaha! You nipple killer!
I wonder if Left realizes Right will eventually heal and once he does, you're both dead...
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-12 07:15:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I... I don't know what to say...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had the same problem with my nuts" says Phallic
"Get a job" says the mystic Craw.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:44:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
.... What the hell was that?
----------------------
It was a cry for help. You have 24 hours to save Nath's jade monkey.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.... What the hell was that?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're fucking insane.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What. The. Fuck?!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHA!
This was all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outfuckingstanding.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-12 05:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I just feel like I'm always the bitch."
"I just don't want my body parts fucking each other."
"What about your hand and..."
"That's different."
Gold. Pure gold.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-12 05:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd blame Jo for this.