How to call in sick to work (1671 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.38 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FWFIV (View user info) at 2006-01-13 09:38:16 EST
The following is a true account of what I did this morning,
Just a little explanation should accompany this tale, I work at a job wherein our field crews (in theory) are supposed to be out the door and working by 7am. I am not anyone's boss/leader, but still sometimes there are questions to be asked of me. Nevermind that I usually (not always to be honest) have answered these issues in the job order I created days before, my boss delights in the fact that I get to the office at around sevenish. He does not take into account the fact that I am always the last to leave in my dept, long after he and the rest of the staff is gone. Nevertheless, he is cool; and I will tell you why.
FIRST (and only, maybe) ACT
SETTUNG: Myself after a drunken night of debauchery and just all around good times lift my head up from another person's sheets only to hear "Didn't you tell me last night you had to work early in the morning?"
ME: Yes (I said that because; 1)it was true and 2)at the time I wanted to impress her at how responsible and hard working I am-You guys know Alpha male and all that BS)
HER: WELL I am going to snuggle (not a word-I checked) up under the covers and watch you leave, while you are working away without any sleep-think about me.
ME: (bitch) (thinking to myself here)
SETTING: Driving home the antihero/protaganist/dumbass realizes how hard it will be to sober up and to have an intelligent conversation with some of the people in the office and with those clients that will randomly show up today (probably after lunch-not the best time-most of your blood is going to the digestive system) so you end up saying something like "Maybe the county will allow you to put these multi-family home units all over the wetland you just bought, just give me the paperwork and I will see what is possible."(thinking to myself not a pipsqueaks chance in a state prison will this ever go forward).
So to avoid "this unfortunate turn of events"(cribbed from movie)
ME: (dials)Hello (cough, cough, sniff, sniff) Hello F---(names changed to protect the guilty) I am still trying to get over this cold and I wonder if I could take a pass on work today?
MY BOSS: Well what do you have going on here that I should know about, I will only be here for about another hour.
ME: (rundown of a couple of projects that I have completed)
MY BOSS: Okay, by the way did you see that one of your (all of a sudden he is my person-didn't bother him or the company taking his business) clients got arrested for sexual harrassment and passing bad checks. I will be checking his account with us.
ME: Yes we need to do that, I guess this means that the job he ordered yesterday will be put on hold
MY BOSS: Pretty much; see you on Monday, and by the way get some sleep!
User Reviews
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-13 21:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-01-13 18:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
My wife designs sewer 'lift stations' to move human waste from the housing developments it's genereated in to the wastewater treatment plants in which it is made fit for public use. Today she had to go on a call to a lift station wherein the transfer pump was failing to move the 'stew' (as it is called in the business). Her techs pulled the pump out, hosed it off with soap/water, then bleach/water, then water. They opened the pump housing and found that the intake had been clogged with this post.
-2DIE.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-13 12:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"The problem's all around the site"
Bart said to me
"The answer's easy if you
Take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways
To rate shitposters"
He said "I know you hate new users
More than most,
They come here from Chicago, England,
The west coast,
So I'll repeat myself
And I do not mean to boast:
There must be fifty ways
To rate shitposters,
Fifty ways to rate shitposters."
"You just type out 'oh noes,' joe
Make a rude joke, bloke
Quote other reviews, jew
There's cum in their eye!
Cut, paste 'What the hell, man...'
'Soup's on bitches!' is just grand
Just write a quick reply:
A good 'minus two, die.'"
Submitted by zerosx (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought it was really good but then again I am comparing it to pure drivel.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
try again
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Planning, my friend, planning. Place your call when you're likely to get voice mail. I don't bother with the whole faking thing.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Been there, done that, nothing new.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You deserve paper cuts on your balls
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I was compelled to read this through, but it sucked. There was no point. But, you did make the last 14 seconds at work go faster.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Incidentally (I thought as I took a hit off my smoke), I think (and I usually do some thinking while I'm smoking), that this post (as opposed to other posts comparatively), could have been (really, i think it could be) better (cough, cough, hack, splooge etc, etc, etc.)
I did (even though I was tired of the parenthesis) read the whole thing (between sips of coffee and fantasies about what to have for lunch) and found it to be (really, I did, no shit) kind of lacking.
(Sorry).
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're the kind of guy people at Sea World would like to see eaten alive by killer whales
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And the justifying with brackets thing? Stop it.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Whoa. This was horribly written, and had absolutely no new ways of getting out of work. In fact, all you did was call in sick witha hangover adn then take a duvet day. But there are worse posts, so... -1
Submitted by kukd85 (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:05:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
F____ all of you did anyone even read the entire post?
______________________________________________
Yes...It was bad. I doubt calling and pretending you have a cold, when in fact you are still drunk from the previous night, is a brand new concept to anyone. Plus it was poorly written which, if you have read any posts and/or reviews on this site, does not sit well with the nice folks of Uber.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This is a solid -1. Streamline/condense your thoughts and it'll be a 0.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't feel like going to work today.
None of that is helpful.
SLAH.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:05:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
F____ all of you did anyone even read the entire post?
______________________________________________
Yup.
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
F____ all of you did anyone even read the entire post?
Submitted by lossy (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Knob jockey
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-13 10:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was painful to read.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode in this series:
"Soul Crusher, Part 2, or Buying fuel for my car at the the gas station."
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Scrap that. 99.9% of the employed have done it, and I'm willing to bet many of the unemployed have bunked out of interviews with it.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What?
Half of this made no sense and the rest 99.9% of the desk jockies on this planet have done.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Re-Title this "How to put Uber to sleep" and re-post it.
I'll still give you a -2 but at least it will be more accurate.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fascinating
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:43:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I read the whole thing - rather boring.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
amazing tale, what a rollercoaster of emotion you took me on.
are you a professional?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow. Funny, witty, imaginative, this post had it all.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I normally phone up and leave the sound of me vomitting on their answer machine. Usually works. Particularly if you do that vomit, spit, wipe face, spit again, dry retch thing.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:42:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I had NO CLUE that you could get a day off of work by calling in and pretending to have a cold! Thank you ever so much for enlightening me.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-13 09:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and why not?