The Extraction of #17: Find a Pussycat & Bash in its Head (Part 1 of 5) (1964 hits)
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Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2006-01-13 16:09:16 EST
It was about 2 weeks ago, a couple days before New Years Eve that I woke up with a throbbing, constant pain in my mouth. No, I wasn't giving a never-ending blow job to a spiked baseball bat...I already learned that lesson. And No, I didn't mistakenly chew on thumb tacks and Chinese throwing stars thinking it was Bubba-licious...I keep my box of 1980's Gum Brands, and my box of tacks and ninja weapons on opposite sides of the room. What I had friends was my very first toothache. And by the way "ache" doesn't quite capture the erupting pain that filled my mouth with every waking moment.
So, for the past 2 weeks I've been taking to the Anbesol rub like a newborn takes to the tit. Every 20 minutes my pointer finger, which is now stained an Anbesol-y burnt amber, was rubbing my gums like a masseur rubs a massage-ee. The pain would get worse as the day went on, and each day was worse than the yesterday.
I uttered the words I never thought I would say: "I need a dentist, now."
I have a fear of dentists. Not a fear where I need to talk to a shrink about my Dentophobia, but a common everyman fear....well, maybe a little worse. I chalk it up to having a shitty dentist when I was a kid. I have straight teeth, always have. My family when to this one dentist who insisted that I need braces, he drilled my teeth when he didn't have to. Dentists I've been to after have always said things like "I've never seen a filling so small!" Or "Why was this tooth filled." One tooth that he drilled had to be redone twice because of all the problems it caused.
Anyway, I hate dentists. I hate mouth pain. I hate sharp tools by my tongue. I hate the masks they wear and there stupid goggles. I hate the spit drain, I hate the stupider spit cup and I hate the most stupidest spit-faucet.
So, the problem tooth, I assumed was the one that has had to be done and redone and redone again. To make things worse, I didn't just have a problem tooth; I had a problem insurance carrier, i.e. a non-existent one.
I employed my girlfriend to help me find a dentist, one that is good yet not ridiculously expensive. She recommended to me a Dr. Bloom...her personal DDS. "Your own...personal...D . D . S...someone with teeth to drill....someone (else) who bills...Your own...personal...D.D.S.
Sorry. I couldn't resist. Thanks Depeche Mode! You're the Depeche Modiest!!!!
The silver lining of the stratocumulus cloud of Dr. Bloom is the fact that my girly-girl said that she will take care of the bill and that's my Chanukah gift from her. She's the best. Hell, she's the bestest! She's the Depeche Modiest!!!
I call Doc Bloom and his peeps tell me to be there at 8:30AM tomorrow which was yesterday...yesterday from the day I'm writing this...scratch all that. Doc Bloom told me to come in at 8:30AM on January 12th. His office was exactly in the middle of home and work...so I can see the Bloom, then get right to work. Perfection. The Non-Perfect moment in the convo came when he said my symptoms sound like I need a root canal. The average price of a root canal in NYC is $1200-$1600 bucks. Ouch.
I went to sleep the night before and dreamt of giant happy-faced white balloons being stabbed and popped by a mid-80's Steve Martin. I was unable to figure out the symbolism...the best I came up with was that the white balloons represented my homo-man-love and the stabbing and popping represented my erect phallus, and mid-80's Steve Martin was a reminder of my overall total gayness.
I head to Dr. Blooms office the next morning and I curse myself when I get on the train because I forgot to brush my teeth before I left home...of all the fucking days to forget to brush your teeth before you leave in the morning! The train ride was smooth. No problems. A fairly good day thus far.
I quietly hoped the good juju of my morning commute was the foreshadowing of the day. I silently prayed that I wouldn't need a root canal. I secretly wished that there was a simple problem in my mouth that could be easily and cheaply fixed...like a shoelace behind my molar that needed to be tied, or a snowman living behind my wisdom teeth whose hat blew off. But that, my little Jake-Johansons, was not the case.
When I walk into Doc Bloom's office he is standing right there.
"Will?" says the tall lanky man.
"HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW MY FUCKING NAME!!!" I thought.
"Dr. Bloom?" is what I actually said.
"Yep." He replied. "Come on in."
We spoke in his office for a few minutes as I filled out paperwork, told him about my dental history. We cracked some jokes back and forth, and then we headed to the chair. The mood changed. The walk down the hall felt like final 40 steps a convict takes as he's headed for his execution. I sit down and immediately can't get comfortable. I squirm with every muscle in my body. I so don't want to be here.
Nervous-Will asks a million questions.
"What's that? What are you doing?" Paranoia comes into play.
"This is a bib that I'm putting around your neck."
"Will it hurt?" Fear comes into play.
"No, it's like a paper necklace."
"OWW!! Fuck you liar! OWWW!" Delusion comes into play.
"I didn't even put it on yet."
"Me put in coach! I'ma slam dunk it." Vlade Divac comes into play.
After all that silly comical business was done I open my mouth, the ugly light illuminates my gullet and the Doc digs in.
My mouth is open for no less than 2 seconds before he says. OK, you have a huge cavity in your wisdom tooth.
"Really?"
"Does this hurt?" He says as he taps the tooth with his dental device.
"YES!" I scream but it sounds like "Yephfff"
"Then yes, really. You really have a huge cavity. The tooth needs to come out."
At this point the nurse - are they called nurses? - comes in to do the X-Rays.
"I need an X-ray of *Mumbo-Jumbo* #17."
They take the x-rays, and then the doc puts in this temporary filling. This plastic gook that has some powerful sedatives in it which will ease the pain until I get it pulled. The good news is there is no need for a root canal, since they can just remove the wisdom tooth. Wisdom teeth are the appendixes of the mouth. Wisdom teeth are like the 2004 NY Mets and Roger Cedeno...expendable. No root canal means no paying for a root canal, getting the tooth pulled was actually good news....It was like a dentist-sale.
Bad news is that Doc Bloom can't do it. He has to refer me to an Oral Surgeon. This is where the good news, happy time ends.
And this is also where I leave you till the next installment. The ride only gets more insane as Will Zone travels to the Bowels of Brooklyn for an Extraction of #17, a tooth that is not impacted.
Oh Uber, my lip is on the floor.
Will "Bill Cosby" Zone
User Reviews
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-16 04:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've never been gladder to live in Israel.
$1600 for a root-canal? WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK?!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-14 03:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
meant the +1 sorry habit
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-14 03:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
almost meh
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-01-13 22:39:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the dentist is the DEVIL!
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-13 16:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHA plus 1 is "Made me smile."
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-13 16:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jeannee is wrong. This is slighty above meh.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-13 16:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I BRUSH MY TEETH SIX TIMES A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-13 16:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
You can't see, but that little smiley dude is showing his teeth.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-13 16:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
darlin, huge cavities can be avoided by seeing the dentist every 6 months and taking care of your teeth... thereby foregoing the scary procedures and just having cleanings.
--end mom mode--
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-13 16:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sud-den-ly Seymour.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-13 16:15:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh