"Okay, just shut up already..." (543 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.83 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Laura (View user info) at 2006-01-14 00:21:29 EST
I love kids, really, I do. It's just that once they learn how to talk, they're not so lovable anymore. My nephew's a brilliant example. He used to be so adorable, with the fat cheeks and the warm little smile and that great expression he got when he shit himself. What happened?
This morning I had to go and babysit instead of running around doing errands which I've planned to do for two months, but keep managing to forget because my job a the laundromat killed one too many braincells. I normally have no problem with babysitting - all the kids do is sit there bouncing up and down, shitting themselves and saying "Babababababababababababa..." But this morning was different.
I walked up the horrible creaking steps to my sister's mobile home, which is conveniently located falling off the side of a mountain. I could sense something was wrong. My sister opened the door just before I could knock, leaving me awkwardly holding my fist up in the air. She said "Hibye" and did a triple-spin somersault in the air over my head and disappeared in a screech of burning rubber. I looked and my nephew was staring back at me, grinning like the little hellspawn he is.
Then old western music began playing as I squinted at him. A tumbleweed rolled across the living room. I could smell the tension in the air.
Then he said "Bitch!" and I drop kicked him into next Tuesday, where another one of me was waiting to kick him back into last Saturday, which ripped a hole in the space-time continuum (Reference to a post, but I'm too lazy to bother looking it up).
He got into an argument with me somehow, over what happened to Barney, and whose Batman doll is bigger, which is moot because I obviously have the bigger Batman. He just looks small because of the angle and poor lighting. Eventually, I made a below the belt remark about his dad running away because his mom is poor white trash and he didn't want to be responsible for a child with Autism, and the little brat broke into tears for whatever reason.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..."
"Want a cupcake or something?"
"Okay."
Then I gave him a cupcake. Big mistake. I never knew "bouncing off the walls" could be so literal. He started breaking lamps and using the electrical cords to fry bunnies, glued his sister to the coat hanger, spilled stuff on the carpet, and even stepped on the rug with muddy boots... You know, really sick shit like that. So on his hundredth lap around the living room, I stuck out my foot and the little bugger tripped and flew through the wall. I chased after him and flew ahead, punching him back into the house.
Then he started crying again. Forget airplanes, little kids have the real sonic booms (Yes, I know a sonic boom is when the object is traveling faster than the speed of sound. Get over it). I tried saying I was sorry. I tried bribing him. I even tried smothering him with a pillow, but the little fuck wouldn't stop crying. Then I said the four most amazing words ever, which condemned me for life. "Shut the fuck up!"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOH I'M TELLING"
"No you're not."
"Are you going to stop me?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"Physical force."
"I'm not afraid of that, you'll go to jail for murder anyways."
"There are things worse than death."
"Give me ice cream and I won't tell you cursed."
"Okay."
"With sprinkles."
"Okay..."
"And chocolate syrup."
"Fine..."
"And a che-"
"OKAY JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. God damn, dude..."
So the little fucker weasled me into giving him more sugar. He finally fell asleep because I slipped a date-rape into his ice cream.
I wonder if I could remove his vocal chords without causing too much damage...
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-14 01:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yep
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-14 01:10:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I want my 2 minutes back...
Submitted by TheGirlWithoutATitle (user info) at 2006-01-14 00:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-14 00:46:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-05 04:07:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
I know who you are an alter of.
*******************************
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-14 00:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
posh for giving kids mollies.
beeotch.