"...and if I don’t eat all that shit, who will?” (easier on the eyes) (928 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.66 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ampersand (View user info) at 2006-01-14 12:42:24 EST
For a long time now I've been struggling to define for myself precisely how I feel (if you are looking for the bits about the fecal matter just skip ahead 6 or 7 paragraphs). Not because I planned to do anything with this knowledge, I simply wanted to put to rest all of the uncertainty.
I don't know if this happens to anyone else but I frequently find myself lying awake in bed for hours just trying to figure things out; even if I'm dead tired. It's like there's some on/off switch in my brain which I have no control over.
Sometimes when my mind is feeling ambitious it will try to tackle the big questions like the meaning of life and the universe and everything. Mostly though it just frets over all the stupid little things that go wrong in my life.
Well last night I finally figured it all out. Well maybe not 'it all', but I figured out how I feel.
Never mind that my inspiration came from a child oriented animated movie called 'Robots' (a mostly mediocre movie by the way, but hard to completely discount if only because the robot dancing scenes were simply stellar. Oscar worthy even. I really like dancing robots), I have finally knocked off this one bit of uncertainty and I don't care if it's because of a cartoon. Let me explain.
In 'Robots' our idealistic young hero sets about fixing a bunch of other robots otherwise doomed to the scrapheap by the nefarious plans of some nefarious, evil robot guy. 'Find a need fill a need', or something.
It was all very corny and see through but one robot struck a chord with me, even though he was on screen for all of five seconds. He was a toilet. Imagine that.
If you keep up with the way kids are talking these days, when one gets 'shat upon' (well maybe that's not exactly how they word it, but whatever) it means one has received a complete and utter beating. And it's this guys job to do just that.
His purpose in life is for other people to deposit their excrement inside him. It's a good day for him when he gets to swallow his own body weight in poop.
How does he get up in the morning and not just hang himself? It must be because he has no arms, otherwise he'd have killed himself a thousand times over.
Or has all the feces finally gotten to him? Does he wake up looking forward to another day at work eating other people's waste products?
Maybe he actually reports to work with a smile on his face, saying "Yes sir, it's not the cleanest job in the world but there's tons upon filthy tons of shit out there to be eaten, and if I don't eat all that shit, who will?"
After all there's a certain measure of pride to be had in a job well done right? I bet that's what he tells himself in the morning: "Well I may eat shit for a living, but damnit, I am the best shit eater this city has ever seen!"
Now there's a rewarding line of work for you. The worst part is it's a pretty apt analogy for me. No I don't make a habit of eating poop, least not literally anyways. But figuratively? You bet.
At school all the crazy Asian kids who study 24/7 ruin the curves in all my classes. I actually think that somewhere along the way they got together at a study meeting some Friday night and whipped up a time machine, but rather then going back and visiting ancient Rome or whatever, they just use it to study more.
And then when I get frustrated with class I go to the gym and get my ass kicked backwards playing basketball with the black kids who don't study at all.
And then when the weekend comes around I go to stupid frat parties and get rejected by girls each of whose fathers has more money then many small countries and don't really want anything to do with a poor boy from a middle-of-nowhere redneck town like me.
That probably doesn't seem like much to you but I'm a skinny, emotionally underdeveloped 18 year old with confidence issues and I'm really not prepared to deal with these sort of things (if you're wondering what the hell I'm gonna do when the real world finally hits, you are not alone).
Now I can't speak for our animated toilet friend, but all the shit has finally gotten to me.
I should start this by telling you that I put more stock in dreams then most people. It's not like I believe they're going to come true or anything, I just feel like we are only ever completely honest with ourselves when we are unconscious. It's the only time when our feelings are unfiltered by logic or reason of any sort.
So anyways, the other day I had the second strangest dream in my life and I haven't been the same since.
(The first strangest dream featured me and a backpack stuffed full of weed on the run from the cops. It climaxed with me busting out of a garden shed in the middle of suburban New Jersey, shovel and spade in hand, going at it in bullet time with dozens of pistol wielding police. Needless to say I killed them all and ended up having sex with some hot chick right in the middle of all their headless corpses.)
I mean I haven't masturbated in nearly a month and this girl who has been possessing my thoughts for some time now is suddenly the last thing on my mind (incidentally she was the star of the dream that spawned the mini revolution, and it didn't end well for us either).
I used to be fairly depressed most of the time but now I'm just...vacant. In an enlightened kind of way though, of course.
It's sort of like I've finally seen the light, but it took me so long to find it, I forgot why I was looking for it in the first place.
To use another overwrought analogy, it's like I've been an unloaded gun searching desperately for ammo. And now I've got that ammo but I forgot who I was planning to shoot with it so I just aimed randomly at the internet and pulled the trigger.
My apologies if I got any of it on you, try not to be too angry with me though. Just think of all the shit I've eaten so that you didn't have to.
User Reviews
Submitted by God_Is_My_Mate (user info) at 2007-05-18 16:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by LisaD (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-11 00:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-22 13:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There are lots of kinds of curves but how it usually works at my school is a score of 100% on an exam is not determined by the total points possible on the exam but by however many points the person with the best grade got. This is because in a lot of classes, no one gets better then 50% on the exams. Like I got a 20/80 once and it was good enough for an A- because the best score was only like a 25 or something.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-21 01:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Curve?
What's a curve? We don't have such things at my school.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-13 00:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-01-14 21:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and sorry if double posting is frowned upon I won't do it again, but have you ever had the burritos at Chipotle? They're amazing.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-01-14 21:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for input. For the record I never intended to write about the 2nd wierdest dream, it wasn't nearly as interesting as the other. Just really odd and kinda surreal.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-14 19:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The robots doing The Robot was a little redundant, though.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-14 18:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha, thats a lot better, this +1 is mainly for bothering to repost rather than the post itself.
Doesn't have to be a seperate paragraph for every sentence though.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-01-14 17:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5, rounded up 'cause I just ate the most fantastic tasting burrito ever created.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-14 16:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sure.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-14 16:02:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Better
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-14 13:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
s p a c e y
Submitted by subtastic (user info) at 2006-01-14 13:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
woulda been a +2
except for the second dream thing.
which i actually didn't notice until
reading the other ranking.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-14 12:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Better on the eyes, yes. You don't have to double space, just add a space between paragraphs.
Is it just me, or did you never get to the description of your second dream?
Decent first post.