Isn’t Suicide Bombing A Little Extreme? (30063 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.87 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2006-01-16 11:52:22 EST
Oh, hey fellas. Salaam. What's up? I didn't hear you guys come in.
What? No, I wasn't hiding. I was just under my bed there...cleaning. Aren't you guys early? It can't be eleven already, can it? Oh yeah, look at that. It is. Huh. So, today's the day huh? Wow. That really jumped up on us didn't it? Seems like just yesterday that we were planning this whole suicide bombing thing out. But today's the big show. Man.
Ya know, I don't want to be "Johnny Party Pooper" here, but I just saw on the news that it might rain today. Yeah, like a 30 percent chance. Talk about bad luck huh? I mean, what if the fuses get wet? That would be pretty embarrassing. Us just running around in the town square like idiots, not exploding. So I'm thinking maybe we should put this off a few more days till this cold front moves through, just to play it safe. Who's with me? No one? That's cool.
Well, I'll tell ya what. If it's okay by you guys, I'm just going to catch up with you all a little later. I'm not feeling so hot right now. I think I had some bad goat at lunch and I'm about to declare a jihad on my toilet. So I'll probably just meet you boys down at the Bazaar.
No? You want me to come right now. Right.
Okay, you know what guys? Can I say something here? I'm just going to throw this out there and see if it sticks. I know that we're all pretty excited about the whole suicide bombing thing, but the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that it might be a little over the top. Ya know? Is anyone else feelin' me on this? No one?
I'll explain. First off, let me start by saying that I hate the Americans. Hate them. I think you all know that. I've proven that time and time again. Whose idea was it to put the George Bush picture on the dart board at underground headquarters? That would be this guy right here. Remember? Americans are jerks. And I don't want their revolting Western influence contaminating our land and people any more than you guys do. I hate oppression. Ask anyone. Emad, tell them.
But I refuse to believe that there's not a way for us to get that point across that doesn't involve us detonating ourselves as human bombs.
Hey, how about this? What about a good old fashioned egging? You know, like back in our high school days. We'll sneak over to the U.S. Base late at night and just egg the heck out of everything. It'll be a gas! Then we could go back in the morning and watch them trying to get all that egg off their Hummers and barracks and stuff. They'll probably be like, "Grrr...If we ever catch who did this...." And we can all be like, "Hey Americans, we see that you're making us breakfast!" Or something funny like that. Oh man, I'll bet that would burn them up! Who's with me? Nobody?
You guys want to kill them. Right. You're pretty hung up on that. Okay, well then let me bounce this off of you. I know that this is going to sound weird, but what if we killed them... without killing ourselves?
Bear with me on this one guys. There have been tremendous strides in weaponry over the past two hundred years that I really think we should embrace. Have you ever heard of hand grenades? They are kick-ass. They blow up, just like we do when we suicide bomb, but with grenades we don't have to blow up too. You just toss it near the person-slash-people that you want to die, while you remain at a safe distance! Booya! It just makes sense. No?
Well why the hell not? Oh right. The ultimate sacrifice. Paradise and 72 virgins will await each of us. Well, I'm not much of a reader so I can't claim to have seen that particular Koran passage, but I do have kind of a hard time believing that Allah, who is supposedly all about peace and tolerance, would be gung-ho about us killing people in droves. But once again, I've only skimmed it.
And really, how entertaining would 72 virgins be anyways? They didn't get to Paradise for being any fun. Sounds like a lot of work to me. Am I right?
Okay! Fine! I'll go with you guys. But I'm going on record as saying that this is a pretty stupid plan. And I want you all to know that I just got a year's subscription to Maxim that I guess is just going to go to waste now. So I hope you're all happy about that. Jerks.
User Reviews
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2007-01-11 18:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got a rib removed so I can BLOW myself up also.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-15 16:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-06-27 14:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2006-06-27 14:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ah, at last. A crack at the "turrists." I'm just about sick of hearing how inept W is... we get it. Refreshing!
If I keep eating these Mentos at the pace I'm going, I'll be declaring jihad on my toilet pretty soon, too.
-Hads
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-06-07 02:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who the fuck cares, you idiots?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-06-07 02:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love the title
Submitted by Deyve (user info) at 2006-06-07 02:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Abdul (user info) at 2006-01-21 09:04:24 (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh yeah, I forgot to ask before... who told you guys the thing about the 72 virgins? Seriously? Because I have heard that before and it has never made sense. Did you guys just make that up one day or something? I have not heard of going to heaven and getting 72 virgins, really. So I am pretty sure some non-muslim one day just wanted to start some rumors, and was like, "You know what? Let's say...ummmm...yeah...yeah let's say something completely random and act like muslims believe in it!
Yeah, that way we can totally rag on them for something that WE made up! Oh man, why am I so clever?", or something along those basic lines.
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You're clearly a clued in muslim then. Check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Houris
"In Islam, the houri (Arabic حورية ḥūrīya, pl. ḥūrīyāt), or hour-ul-'Ein, are described as "fair women of Paradise" awaiting devout Muslims.
According to the Qur'an (55.56), the houri are pure, having never been touched by man or jinn and so they are virgins who marry the devout in the Jannah, the paradise, of the afterlife."
Therefore judging by the fact that a lot of the suicide bombing is not condemned by Islam, in fact it does go by their rules of Jihad under their defensive jihad defending Dar al-Islam (land of Islam). Their country is currently under occupation by outside forces (i.e. Americans, Israelis, etc.) and so by their rules of defensive Jihad they are perfectly within their rights in their religion to be doing what they are doing and therefore being 'devout' which would therefore entitle them to these virgins in Jannah (heaven). Also offensive Jihad can be called as to kill the 'infidels' or heretics as they would be called in western terms so Muslims attacking outside their land is also justified in their religion.
What I've written is a bit messy and I've done it quickly but it's more or less truth (as I see it from what I researched in this time . . . oh and this isn't my belief by the way, I'm an agnostic) so you musn't pay too much attention when you were learning your faith.
And I'm quite aware that I'll most likely get flamed for this but guess what . . . I personally couldn't give a fuck.
Thank you.
(Oh and I liked the article too, quite amusing)
Submitted by Boxturtle247 (user info) at 2006-04-03 09:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you. You made me laugh out loud at precisely the quietest time of my professor's History Lecture.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-03-18 13:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Category: Humor -> Dumb Jobs
- hahahhahaha
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-18 13:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto+2Jihadontoiletaward
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-03-01 10:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I keep coming back to this post because it's so goddamn funny
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PrescriptionX (user info) at 2006-02-26 02:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Make me breakfast damn it!
Submitted by Gollygoshgirl (user info) at 2006-02-13 17:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oooh... You are the epitome of funniness :)
Submitted by Megso (user info) at 2006-02-02 20:00:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really great, I can't even pick out my favourite line, there were so many... so instead here's one of my favourite comments...
"Oh man, why am I so clever?"
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-01-30 02:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pure unbridled awesomeness
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-01-30 00:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-26 06:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The whole suicide bombing shit is simply fucked up but the way you put it made me smile +1 Good post
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-21 17:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-01-21 09:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jerks!
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-01-21 09:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's amazing the kind of shit the mind can think of when you're mourning a Colts loss, isn't it?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
PEYTON'S A BITCH!!!!!
Submitted by Abdul (user info) at 2006-01-21 09:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh yeah, I forgot to ask before... who told you guys the thing about the 72 virgins? Seriously? Because I have heard that before and it has never made sense. Did you guys just make that up one day or something? I have not heard of going to heaven and getting 72 virgins, really. So I am pretty sure some non-muslim one day just wanted to start some rumors, and was like, "You know what? Let's say...ummmm...yeah...yeah let's say something completely random and act like muslims believe in it!
Yeah, that way we can totally rag on them for something that WE made up! Oh man, why am I so clever?", or something along those basic lines.
P.S.
What does gg mean? I thought it meant good game or something.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-01-20 00:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Abdul (user info) at 2006-01-18 23:32:27 (#)
Ranking: -1
Hello, I am a muslim. I read this post and smiled, because there are some good points in it. Well, actually only one good point. Allah does not want us to kill people who have done nothing to us, he doesn't want us to go around massacring people (who actually could have became muslims later) in droves for no reason. What those suicide bomber people are doing isn't Islamic. They are really giving a bad face to Islam. And how is decapitating a visiter to your country Islamic? It's not. However, there are a lot of ignorant (and arrogant) people out there who think it is. Muslims aren't supposed to take their own lives in the first place; ever. The parts that said things like, "I had some bad goat..." and, "jihad on my toilet..." made me rank this piece bad. Jihad is not to be taken seriously; it is a holy struggle that one does for Allah's pleasure. You cannot harm women, children, or even the trees on the side of the battlefield (unless of course by accident, or if you are forced to somehow). You aren't even killing people out of anger in jihad! If you do, it is considered murder. So I hope that dispels some rumors about muslims.
--
gg
Submitted by the_grendel (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is this guy serious?
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-01-19 00:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome.
Jihad on the toilet? I think I may use that once or twice.
Submitted by Abdul (user info) at 2006-01-18 23:32:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Hello, I am a muslim. I read this post and smiled, because there are some good points in it. Well, actually only one good point. Allah does not want us to kill people who have done nothing to us, he doesn't want us to go around massacring people (who actually could have became muslims later) in droves for no reason. What those suicide bomber people are doing isn't Islamic. They are really giving a bad face to Islam. And how is decapitating a visiter to your country Islamic? It's not. However, there are a lot of ignorant (and arrogant) people out there who think it is. Muslims aren't supposed to take their own lives in the first place; ever. The parts that said things like, "I had some bad goat..." and, "jihad on my toilet..." made me rank this piece bad. Jihad is not to be taken seriously; it is a holy struggle that one does for Allah's pleasure. You cannot harm women, children, or even the trees on the side of the battlefield (unless of course by accident, or if you are forced to somehow). You aren't even killing people out of anger in jihad! If you do, it is considered murder. So I hope that dispels some rumors about muslims.
Submitted by silverstone148 (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:17:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-18 16:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dumb jobs...heh.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-18 08:37:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this was a make up for getting snubbed on being a terrible rapist.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-18 08:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-18 07:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-01-17 21:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad I came back to read this
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:27:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-16 18:28:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-17 12:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this yesterday, but didn't rate.
JIHAD MUDDERFUCKER!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-17 10:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"just toss it near the person-slash-people"
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:39:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Somebody get cracking on translating this to Arabic.
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B@W
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:31:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm about to declare a jihad on my toilet."
I laughed so hard that people are now staring. Thanks.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only semi peed my pants from laughter.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like it
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-16 18:28:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Somebody get cracking on translating this to Arabic.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, nice post there, dude.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe that is a way of sending a message. This cause is bigger than any of us.
Not that I'm a fan, just my take on it. Matyrdom. I think it's probably the case that extremist Muslims would be upset that you don't get it.
Submitted by little.schmatty (user info) at 2006-01-17 05:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff that really made me think....
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-17 04:41:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That struck me down with its Awesome.
Submitted by junyer (user info) at 2006-01-17 04:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-01-17 04:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent work
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-16 21:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-16 21:17:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
superb!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-16 20:37:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
-Dave
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-16 18:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it just makes sense, no?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-16 18:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2006-01-16 17:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha- "Dumb Jobs"
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2006-01-16 17:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-01-16 17:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate oppression. Ask anyone. Emad, tell them.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-16 15:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the not feeling well bit. Can you call in sick at that job?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-16 15:18:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA gold!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-16 15:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey Americans, we see that you're making us breakfast!"
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2006-01-16 13:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good job
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A suicide bomber in a car loaded with explosive is pretty much the equivalent of a cheap missile. A lot more effective than tossing hand grenades. It might be a brutal up-close tactic but the results are the same when we drop bombs on their heads.
Here's intelligent terrorists: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3749026128784839151&q=sniper
Am I the only one who likes this kind of music? This mantra bullshit just gets me going.
Oh yeah, funny post :-)
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds Onion-ish.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
foony
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great. Reminds me of this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/71840
Fuck I'm brilliant.
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:14:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A Very Special "Seinfeld" - The Jihad Episode
Submitted by Technoboy (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:10:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-16 12:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so 72 virgins lasts what three days if you put some effort into it? four and a half if you have to sleep in heaven and you get a good healthy 8. then what?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-16 11:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, as always, but why do you always post material that you've posted elsewhere first?
Is Uber like your woman on the side? We're not good enough to get the first helpings? Sloppy seconds every time? Huh? Huh?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-16 11:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"But once again, I've only skimmed it."
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-16 11:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Another winner.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-16 11:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Posted here 1st. http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=1990&SectionID=11&LayoutType=1