A long story before a short hiatus. (682 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.48 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flack (View user info) at 2006-01-17 04:46:18 EST
It's about 0300 and I can't sleep. This is not a new issue and has become a main topic in my weekly appointments with an Army psychologist. My insomnia isn't the only fucked up thing with me.
Oh, let me count the ways.
I suffer from Alcoholism, Drug addiction, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Clinical Depression. This doesn't include feelings of paranoia, a radical change in my overall attitude, a crisis of faith, and a few suicidal thoughts.
What happened to me?
I try to remember a simpler time, before all this nonsense started.
At the age of 19, I was a freshman at one of the top business schools in the country, with a job as a recording engineer in a studio in Saginaw, a member of Phi Delta Theta, and I played baseball. I used to do a bunch of coke, drink heavily, and I loved life, just like any other regular college freshman.
But then it came. War. Not just war but on of the most ambivalent times in our country's history. A war that not only I disagree with, but loathe and denounce. So what do I do? Just like any red-blooded patriotic All-American boy would do, I enlisted in the United States Army.
I believed, at the time, that it didn't matter what I thought about the war, but that my country depended on me to put down my books and pick up a rifle. I did just that. April 23rd, 2003, I left my hometown of Midland, MI to Ft. Benning, GA to begin my 3 year adventure as a United States Soldier.
For 2 years, I did everything to a T. I met and exceeded every standard the Army placed at me. I wanted nothing more than to be the best soldier I could be. I was so full of myself I could barely see past my own uniform, which I even wore off duty because I was so proud.
On 16 March, 2004, I deployed to Baghdad and things changed. I became even more of a super trooper. I spent nights sleeping in OTV on the ground clutching my rifle. I was there when the coalition stormed Fallujah, Najaf, and Sadr City. I watched tanks run over cars that still had people in them. I watched little kids get blown to shit. I bootlegged whiskey from interpreters and handed out candy to little kids. I got hit with rocks by those kids' parents. I beat the shit out of an old woman that was trying to prevent me from detaining her husband. I got divorced. I rekindled an old love. I broke that off. I spent Christmas on guard duty, New Years on Guard duty, and my birthday on guard duty. I loved it!
And then I came home.......
And there was nothing left for me to do. Thunder would rumble in the middle of the night and I would wake up searching for my Kevlar and Rifle. Balloons would pop and I would hit the ground.
And I drank. And drank. And used. And Drank some more. And used again. And Again. And then drank some more. And then fight. And then drink and use while looking for a fight.
And then I stood in a battalion formation to receive my Bronze Star, and they lost the orders. I never received it.
I started showing up late, skipping whole days sometimes. Our unit was in the process of a major reorganization so I slipped through the cracks pretty easy. If I did show up, it was usually drunk, occasionally geeked off coke.
Then on 22 July, I got drunk, got in my truck, and started to drive back home. No warning, no goodbye, just an overnight bag, a ¼ oz of cocaine, a bottle of Jack Daniels and I was leaving it all behind. I stopped in Waco and passed out.
The next day, I went to AA and enrolled in a substance abuse program the Army sponsors. After a few relapses, a hot piss test, the loss of my Sergeant stripes and an Article 15, I'm sober....kind of.
I still have little relapses here and there. Never anything bad. A few beers or a shot of whiskey. And I went to mental health. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and Post traumatic Stress Disorder. The doctor asked me if I felt guilty about killing. I said "Fuck no! Die Bitch!"
I still find myself sad and lonely, completely disenfranchised with the organization I gave my blood, sweat and tears to. The last time I was truly happy, a few of you were there. Remember Vegas? The only thing I can look back at in the past year and smile about. Other than that...failed relationships, drug addiction, and depression washed away in a sea of whiskey and beer.
I get out of the Army in April and I start school again in the fall. Can I live up to the goals I have set for myself? Can I stay sober while attaining those goals? Will I still be alone in 10 years? Am I really THAT fucked up?
These questions eat at me day in and day out.
I go to impatient therapy tomorrow. What's next?
User Reviews
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-07-02 01:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
uh what
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-01-17 12:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
skate it off
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-17 11:53:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
For beating the shit out of an old woman and feeling the need to tell us.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-17 11:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. good luck!
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-17 10:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-17 10:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly, my heart goes out to you.
Stay strong. You can do this.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and good luck.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:54:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sin city strangely helps alot doesn't it.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been there, hell I am still there. It does fade some after time. I found that finding what makes you happy that does not destroy you at the same time is the only thing that pulled me out of that trench. For me it was a wife and children. Something to focus on that is good instead of constantly running the thoughts of the past through your mind. It will not last forever unless you let it. Remember that you are not the only one and eventually you will look back and see the good parts of what happened and what you learned. The bad will be mostly forgotten.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Phallic has it nailed 100%.
Submitted by sweet_nothings (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:28:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't claim to know anything of your suffering, but this entire post just underlines the whole "war is hell" mantra.
All I can say, is keep your chin up, you can come through the fog and maybe when you make it to the other side, you'll have gained the wisdom to help others through.
Good luck
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-17 09:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post.
I won't even pretend to understand what you're going through.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if there's anything i can do, let me know.
are you going to be going back to school in austin?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa dude. I mean whoa. And this is why I want to join the Army. Not to suffer through all that, but so that you do NOT have to suffer alone.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
reminds me of an old joke from "a league of their own."
"No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking."
"You've seen the error of your ways."
"No, I just can't afford it."
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
would have been happier with a short story and a long hiatus.
I KEED.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-17 08:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Would you please just call me the next time you feel tempted to drink or relapse?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-01-17 07:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come to Australia for a semester. I'll teach you to surf, and when you've sat out beyond the breakers for a few Aussie sunsets your life philosophy will change 100%. It will heal you.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-17 07:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Remids me of a scene from spaced.
Mike - " right we meet back here at 2100 hrs
everyone - "eh?"
tim - "nine o clock, then we get to the plant at ten."
mike - "eh?"
Tim - "2200 hrs."
Mike - "Oh right."
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-01-17 07:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Many have been where you are. Most come through it.
You've heard it all before, but it's true:
You chose your path for honorable reasons. The path you chose was frought with dangers and not just those you expected. You have overcome danger and faced challenges to get where you are. What faces you now is simply another challenge. You know what you must do, though it may be daunting. Throw down your crutches and walk.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-01-17 07:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best of luck.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:52:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
review, I mean.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:21:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad a good read but dude thr`s allways sumone out there worser than you. Good Luck
------
I know he means well, but the irony in this post kills me.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOORAY FOR PTSD!
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
if therapy doesn't go well you can always take up Russian Roulette. Am I the only one here who is slightly reminded of The Deer Hunter?
Oh well, forget above comments, and good luck in becoming Avg. Joe again. I'm cold, hungry and I need to pee, so that's all you're gonna get, sorry.
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-17 06:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad a good read but dude thr`s allways sumone out there worser than you. Good Luck
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-17 05:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i've been through the PTSD thing, and a little tiny bit of the drinking thing. ironically, they also lost my bronze star paperwork. typical fuckers.
all i can say is good luck, brother. i was in a different theater in that same part of the world in very early 2002.
i can tell you this, it will fade with time, but there will always be flashed of it here and there. but if you made it through the shit you did, then THIS shit can't touch you.
good luck.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-17 05:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, You stood up and did something, when there's plenty of people who'll sit back, bitch and yet do nothing for their country. That's something to be proud of. Plus, there's tomorrow, and after tomorrow there's another one. Sounds trite, but it's true. You'll be fine man. Keep strong.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-17 05:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On soldiering. I'm not sure if I have the ability to accept an order that I feel is morally wrong, or plain retarded. Could I pull the trigger of a gun? To defend myself against someone, perhaps. But I still think I'd hesitate to take a life. Certainly if I killed an innocent, I'd be unable to continue as a soldier, and probably as a human being too.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-17 04:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Luck.
I don't perticularly understand the Joining up part when you were against the war, but I know ex-squaddies over here that are still fucked up from the first trip to the Gulf.
-Dave
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-17 04:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck. Have you seen Jarheads? Thoughts/opinions?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-17 04:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
impatient therapy?
Freudian slip.
Best of luck.