A Look Inside: The Morbidly Obese (1037 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.74 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2006-01-17 13:30:16 EST
The morbidly obese, or "mobese" as I like to call them, are God's creation. They are neither an elusive, or pleasant creature, yet we all share this beautiful earth and it's vast supply of natural resources. The mobese... use a bit more, which is why they must be studied.
As a young lad, I distinctly remember a day when I walked up to a dirty, mobese man and calmly telling him that he was "the fattest person I'd ever seen in my life," as if he'd one some sort of prize or something. Luckily, after this I was swooped up by a parent before I was eaten.
Since then I've given my life to the study of the mobese...
I've always wondered what would posess someone to keep eating after they were so fat their legs didn't work properly. I always wondered how much a mobese actually had to eat. I always wanted to observe a mobese in their mobese lair. Maybe, just hide behind a chair for days on end, and every time they stood up give them a jolt with a cattle prod, then note their reaction. By the time they got turned around I would be around the block, still walking at a steady pace.
My studies came to a culmination just TWO days ago. I tracked a mobese into an underground mobese fuel depot, known as "Old Country Buffet".
What I witnessed... was ASTOUNDING...
When the mobese are in their lair, they actually have their own language... observe.
I followed a mobese to the grease/lard aisle, being sure to stay well out of sight. (ie. out of the 20 actual degrees of horzontal vision). At this point, I was surrounded by mobese. My heart was pounding and I was just waiting to be pounced on as an imposter. When we were finally well away from all the humans, the first one spoke...
"GOTH CHEESEES! MOBOOBOO!!!!"
At first I thought maybe one of them was just "special", but then more joined in...
"GHEH! GHEH! GHEH! AUGH MA DER DEEP FRAH TATER, DEEP FRAH!!!!"
Several heads popped up, "DEEP... FRAH?!?!"
I quickly grabbed a deep fried tater or "DEEP FRAH TATER" as the mobese call them and retreated to my booth. My booth was smack in the center of MOBESE COUNTRY...
I poked the DEEP FRAH TATER a milky grease oozed out of it. followed by the grease was solid lard. The DEEP FRAH TATER then began to shake around on my plate and emit a high pitched squeel as some sort of gas shot out of it. The gas... was the scent of the mobese.
AMAZING. They actually ingest their scent through the all important DEEP FRAH TATER. I smoothly placed the DEEP FRAH TATER into a plastic bag and watched a mobese that had sat down across the aisle in plain sight of me.
This particular mobese had 3 DEEP FRAH TATERs and some sort of tray utensil which he produced from beneath one of the folds of his stomach.
As he lifted the fold I peered beneath to see what looked like an actual closet of sorts. There were magazines, silverware, and toiletpaper.
The mobese attached the tray to his upper chest (the alpha fold) and I watched as he bit into his first DEEP FRAH TATER. I then realized that mobese didn't in fact ingest food like you and me, they in fact let it run down this tray mechanism and underneath their folds. The bravo folds actually curved when the tray was in place to create a natural funnel, channeling the juices wherever they needed to go. Some sort of... irrigation system!
OUT OF THIS WORLD!
I stood up in excitement, completely forgetting that the mobese and quick movements don't coinside. The mobese in plain view immediately panicked, dropping his tray. Then he started speaking with great ferocity, shaking his neck fat and turning his face red...
"moolooBACKA! SKINNY MAHN!!" He stood up and pointed.
The other mobese began packing up their trays. I was greatly outnumbered and felt a panic run through my veins. The adreniline was unreal. I think it had something to do with the DEEP FRAH TATER but I couldn't be sure.
It was ok though. The great thing about the mobese is they don't move very fast. I slowly got up and emptied my tray, paid the bill and walked outside to enjoy a cigarette. After that I strolled down the road, whistling my theme song.
I'd gathered all the information I'd needed. Their primary energy source was the almighty DEEP FRAH TATER, and I knew enough of their language to lure them to my position.
I now had all the advantages any other hunter had, only I was going to need a much bigger caliber rifle.
It's like the deer population in Michigan. If we don't keep their numbers down they'll starve to death.
I'd much rather put the gentle mobese out of their misery... before it's too late.
User Reviews
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-08-31 04:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, the cool thing about mobese, is that they keep the population down. They eat people, and get lynched for being fat freaks.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-20 09:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-19 01:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-19 00:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was ace, as always.
Ubersite is really an interesting place in that we are all, on some level, computer geeks. That means that about 75% of you are overweight. Yet, when a post like this surfaces, all of us will band together and bash on fatties. Like youre not all a bunch of fat motherfuckers. I've seen you guys in person.
Plus two.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-18 11:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just read this again. still hilarious.
the best thing is the mobese language. fucking funny.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-18 11:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mobese is teh awesomness!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-18 11:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'the alpha fold'
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-17 22:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-17 22:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's an OCB about twenty minutes away from here near my friend's place.
It's part of a strip mall/shopping complex, and I swear that just about every other time I stop by there there's an ambulance out in front and a team of paramedics in the middle of helping out some fat fuck who had a heart attack.
Once I was walking past the entrance and the body bus was sitting there fully manned. One of the EMTs said that they were 'just waiting for a call.'
ATTENTION FAT FUCKS - STOP EATING.
or
ATTENTION FAT FUCKS - KEEP EATING AT OCB AND FREE US FROM YOUR SMELLY SKIN FOLDS AND HEAVY BREATHING.
Submitted by evolved (user info) at 2006-01-17 20:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The bravo folds actually curved when the tray was in place to create a natural funnel, channeling the juices wherever they needed to go. Some sort of... irrigation system!"
...so that's what the cellulite is for!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-17 20:15:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At first I thought maybe one of them was just "special", but then more joined in...
"GHEH! GHEH! GHEH! AUGH MA DER DEEP FRAH TATER, DEEP FRAH!!!!"
Several heads popped up, "DEEP... FRAH?!?!"
=======================
Dude. Making fun of fat people is just.....
absolutly fucking hilarious.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-17 15:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+ two for having your own theme song
if my retarded self could whistle id make my own.
maybe you should make theme songs for people and post them on here.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-17 15:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good one
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-01-17 15:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
there are some things i really don't want to learn about. this was one of them.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always wanted to observe a mobese in their mobese lair.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Hahahahahahah fucker. That's great.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My theme song doesn't have a name because I created it out of thin air.
It is simply known as "Jon's Theme Song".
It is only whistled and has no words.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i still want to know. i'm thinking mighty mouse.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:48:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
inion asked my question, "what's your theme song" - but now that I've thought about it, I'm not sure I really want to know...
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:18:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
Only joke worth mentioning was the first and second iterations of "DEEP FRAH TATER." After that you were just riding the same gag into the ground.
And I'll never understand how picking on fatties is a challenge worth undertaking.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
This whole post explained WHY this challenge was "worth undertaking"
YOUR KIND MUST BE STOPPED!
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Only joke worth mentioning was the first and second iterations of "DEEP FRAH TATER." After that you were just riding the same gag into the ground.
And I'll never understand how picking on fatties is a challenge worth undertaking.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:00:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
so what's your theme song?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ewww
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so what's your theme song?
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-17 14:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
humorously disgusting
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the perfect kicker.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"As he lifted the fold I peered beneath to see what looked like an actual closet of sorts. There were magazines, silverware, and toiletpaper."
although, i have to say the toiletpaper is a little pointless. it's not like they can reach down there. (?)
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:48:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:37:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
A photoshop of crosshairs on that fat dyke's face would have been perfect.
------------------------
Yeah, and if we're lucky the Zodiac killer will promtly come from beyond the grave and slaughter her.
Great post.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Rosie bashing brought a warm feeling to my heart.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DEEP FRAH TATER
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A photoshop of crosshairs on that fat dyke's face would have been perfect.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-17 13:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment