Job well done (1405 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.14 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by simple_catalyst (View user info) at 2006-01-18 10:35:16 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82004 - Prologue
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82461 - I
___________
"Where the fuck is Mikel?"
The six men huddle in the abandoned building, nervously fingering the hilts of their blades and jumping at shadows.
For two weeks they had been in constant skirmishes with men who had been their guild-brothers. The Guild master had kicked it and the guild was left in a turf war that was wrenching the underside of Malisar apart.
The coded knock rings against the door and the men exchange pleased glances as their nerves settle. Mikel shuffles into the room, his face taunt and his eyes dart about the dim warehouse.
"Well?"
"The fucking witch blew me off. Said our whole organization was in deep and she'd be tied and fucked before she threw into a scum quarrel. We are shitted. Hardcore."
The men shift uneasily and look back and forth to one another.
"What about-"
The door creaks inward and a man enters. Scars run from the top of his bald head, down his face and continue across his skin to disappear under his vest.
"Looky what I found! A den of stray kittens all lined up for a slaughter."
He grins and hell's gates open in the thieves' guts. The seven men grab for their blades as an arrow glides over the intruder's shoulder and into one man's chest. The monster in the doorway advances drawing his two swords and he spins them creating a globe of steel. Another man follows him through the doorway, katana poised above his head.
Moments pass where steel glances steel, imbeds itself in flesh, shatters bone, and tears limbs from bodies. The dirty wood floor becomes sticky with pools of blackness in the moonlight. Men's dieing screams echo in the confined space. Then the moments are gone, stealing flickers of life with them.
Aiden steps through the door, another arrow notched in his bow. His smile fades and he raises an eyebrow.
"Nice fellows, but why do I only count six bodies?"
Tyreal looks up from cleaning his blade and shrugs.
"Duncan."
Mikel gasps for air. His chest throbs and he throws another glance over his shoulder. Crossing into the next alley he reaches above his head and grabs the ladder that leads to the top of the building.
The thief knew something was wrong when the witch had denied him protection. Those guys weren't common thugs, and that meant somebody with heavy gold was getting involved. He reaches the top of the apartments and makes for the door leading back down into a safe-haven.
The violet coil wraps around his ankle and tugs sending him slamming into the ground. He rolls onto his back and stares up into the bright blue eyes of his killer. The rope of energy writhers its way up his leg and buries itself into his stomach. There is a bright pain as he feels his intestines incinerate. He thrashes and pink spittle flies from his lips. The pain slowly twists up into his chest and his lungs fill with molten lead. He dies in a convulsion before the magic reaches his brain.
Duncan smiles. Nothing like a job well done.
__________
The man reaches his hand up gently cupping the woman's breast. He leans forward and runs his tongue around her areola. As her nipple stiffens he carefully brushes his teeth across the soft skin. She lays back and moans slightly.
There is a gentle knock at the door and he curses as he stands making his way to the door. The woman grabs the linen, covering herself, and allows her grimace to speak her displeasure. He swings the door open.
"What the hells?"
Aiden's kick sends the man stumbling back into the room and the four assassins crowd into the room. A soft pink glow surrounds the woman and her head hits the pillow as unconsciousness grips her. The man attempts to rise but is stopped by the cold steel pressed to his neck.
Tyreal gazes into the man's eyes, searching. He is always searching.
"Do you know who you're assaulting?"
The man's face is red with rage, but his eyes betray his fear.
"The Ki-miera of Malisar sends his regrets regarding the death of his servant, the Magistrate Second Seat, and is shamed to have found that a man in his judiciary had ties to the local thieves guild."
Tyreal continues to watch the magistrate's eyes as the man's head rolls across the floor.
"Duncan, there's a whore in his bed."
"We don't have time Whistle. Besides the Ki-miera might not be overly pleased if we leave one of your scenes behind."
"Fuck you. We never have time."
________
Whistles face steadily sours with each drink he slams down. Cups litter the small table and Aiden's face is blushed from the alcohol.
"Well, what now? I'm thirsty yet."
Whistle fingers the handles of his katana and wakizashi to indicate what exactly it is he thirsts for. Duncan looks up from his cup.
"Resurrections aren't cheap and I owe a favor."
The other two drunken men curse gods, fate, and a certain hedge wizard's mother. Tyreal sighs and slowly gazes from one man to the next.
"Some pale season, we are all going to get ourselves killed."
They laugh in a feeble attempt to dispel the truth.
User Reviews
Submitted by carbon (user info) at 2007-06-21 23:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gwenwyvar (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sweetkisses (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-29 00:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Can't say this was as good as the others -- seemed a little disjointed and not nearly as captivating.
Once again, reading this makes me wonder whether you've already written the whole thing or if you're just posting it as you go.
Can't help but feel like it's the latter. What's your process? Do you have a sense of where it's going, or do you just write? Do you sit down knowing what each section in the series is going to be about?
I only ask because I have such difficulty writing anything other than what's immediately in my head. Always impressed by the longer stories on here -- they're so hard to write and keep interesting.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
these are good. i think i understand parts of them, but i have a vague sense that i have no idea what's going on.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-18 23:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-18 23:03:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
this is my first post over 300 hits...
w00t!
-------
I'm sorry, but this is just a lie.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-18 23:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shit man, you leave for work for six hours and look what happens.
ghola, i owe you a cookie.
this is my first post over 300 hits...
w00t!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. You switch tenses a couple of time from present to past, and that is kind of jarring. Also, Duncan doesn't at all resemble the image I got of him from the previous post.
Oh, and I have no idea what is going on in this story.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done, indeed.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This sounds like a case for ...."Minus Two Man"!!!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-18 18:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than average. It had some nice touches.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-01-18 17:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG BAFOON
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-18 16:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82536
little ghola, I humbly request a review with honest critique from you on the above linked post. I would give it an honest 1.33
JonnyX- What got your knickers in a bunch? Linkwhoring is as common as new Method alters these days. This is the only place I'm whoring it, so if your whore rating system is as such I deserve nothing worse than a zero.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-18 16:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You have a gift for making up silly words.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-18 16:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
simple-
I apologize that my whoring of your post broke your +2 streak.
Cause you rock at life.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-18 16:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-18 16:25:18 (#)
Ranking: -1
mediocre - I wouldn't have rated this post had you not whored it all over the place.
--------
he didn't whore it.
I did.
Go -2 my posts.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-18 16:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
mediocre - I wouldn't have rated this post had you not whored it all over the place.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-18 15:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was confused alot but I can tell you put effort into this.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-18 14:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're an anime watcher. This reminds me of Samurai Champloo or something. I have fucked up the last name of the show but whatever.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-18 14:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-18 14:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Embryo (user info) at 2006-01-18 13:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-18 13:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yippee!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-18 11:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"We are shitted. Hardcore."
"Looky what I found! A den of stray kittens all lined up for a slaughter."
Both, wonderful lines.
You have improved so fucking much.
So FUCKING much.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-18 10:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
the woman lies back...
goddamnitmanineedafuckingeditor.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-18 10:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How very nice.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-18 10:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you.