There are some people i never want to see fucking (2017 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.92 on 67 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2006-01-18 21:14:15 EST
I took a phone call from a cousin explaining some good friends of hers where visiting my city to look for a house to live in. They where relocating because the guy had been offered a promotion in the company he worked for but he had to move to the city I lived in. They didn't have a lot of money and she was hoping they could stay at my house for a week while they viewed rental properties.
They turned out to be a married couple around my age. Robert and Carol had no children and seemed friendly enough so I agreed and let them have my spare room for the week. On their arrival we sat over coffee and chatted to get to know each other and they unpacked what I thought, a lot of bags for a weeks stay. Having some errands to run and needing to get a key cut for them to use I left them to settle into my house and their room.
Robert was a big man, about my height and well over twice my weight, he was bordering on obese. Carol also was a big person but was obviously heavier then her husband and with my limited knowledge on the matter, I would suggest she was in the obese category. Peoples weight is their own business and I am sure they where aware of it so I didn't think it an issue.
Carol as it turned out, was a very good cook and cooked a wonderful meal that night so I went to bed after some television with a full belly thinking their stay wouldn't be too bad if she cooked like that some nights.
My sleep was interrupted sometime after midnight by an incessant banging. Sitting up in bed I tried to determine where the noise was coming from and realised it came from the spare room, which was directly beside my bedroom. Listening intently I was trying to establish what was making the noise when the banging was joined by a low guttural female moan which was quickly followed by Carol exclaiming a little too loudly "Oh yes, give it to me big boy"
Then it dawned on me, they where fucking and the bed was banging on the wall. I was about to shove my head under the pillow to make the bad noises go away when Robert moaned, "daddy's going to cum baby, daddy's going to cum"
This I didn't need to hear and before the absolute disgust of this exchange set in Carol started making noises like she was giving birth. A kind of long moan with short gasping, huffing breaths which where then joined by Roberts "Oh God, Oh God I'm cumming"
I sat there in shock listening to the banging subside and Carols huffing breaths thinking "they better not do this every night". I eventually fell asleep again albeit with horrid nightmares of elephants and hippopotamus fucking and slept a fitful night.
Upon waking in the morning I realised the television was on a little too loud and lay in bed listening to the mixture of the television and morning noises I started to get up when I heard Roberts voice saying "Yeeeeeeeeees do it baby, oh Baby"
They-they couldn't be fucking again surely, and please god not in the lounge room.
Slipping out of bed I put on some shorts and a shirt and stood by my door listening.
Carols breathing was laboured as she answered, "do you like this?" with Robert answering "Ooooh yes baby its so sexy"
Holy fucking shit they were having sex in my lounge room.
This had to stop and I had to put my foot down and make some rules for these over sexed wildebeest. I didn't care what I was going to walk in on at this stage so I pulled open the door and strode up the hallway with purpose.
I was not prepared for what I was confronted with and if I had listened to the TV a bit more I might have got a clue as to what was going on. If anyone had ever wondered what a walrus would look like sheathed in a coloured condom lumbering up a beach, you only have to walk in on a very over weight woman in a skin tight leotard doing aerobics with an exercise show on TV.
Robert looked up at me saying "good morning" as I stood slack jawed watching Carols entire body shimmer and shake like a Jelo monster as she skipped and did scissor jumps. She stopped and turned my way smiling, repeating Roberts "Good Morning"
Trying to look as nonchalant as possible I muttered a "good morning" in return, and turning around I headed back down the hall saying sheepishly "just going to take a shower" trying to erase the vision of Carols body moving around beneath the leotard she wore.
Carol showered after I had and I volunteered to drop them down to the rental office they had organised a car from, as I was going to do a little shopping and go visit a friend for the afternoon. After dropping them off I hit the shops and dropped over to see a mate, but because of my lack of sleep the night before I left early intending to go home and take an afternoon nap.
The stereo was blaring a little too loudly as I parked the car and let myself through the front door. I could see the back of Roberts head above the lounge chair as I entered and Carols was very close to his and seemed to be moving around a lot. Thinking she was moving to the music I walked around in front of them to tell them I was going to lie down and could they turn the music down a little when my vision took in something no normal human being should ever be subjected too.
Carol sat naked on top of what I presumed to be Robert. I presumed this, as all I could see of Robert was his legs protruding from beneath Carols butt. She had her legs pulled up and bent at the knees with her feet resting on the lounge on either side of Roberts hips, her body sloshed around like you would imagine a waterbed bladder would being man handled by someone strong enough. Her left hand was between her thighs rubbing her clitoris furiously and Robert's erection appeared and disappeared into her rather hairy vagina making loud slurping noises as they fucked.
Her breasts looked like large over filled hot water bags that old people use to warm their beds, which she now cupped with her other arm, pulling on her nipples with her fingers while humping Robert wildly. Her face was contorted with an expression that I assume one would have if a red hot poker was being shoved up your arse however I am sure hers was one of pleasure, I mused as I watched her second chin wobble and jiggle with her exertions.
I couldn't move, I was riveted to the floor witnessing this revolting spectacle my mind racing. I was about to make a run for my bedroom when I noticed Carols eyes open and see me standing in front of her. Her face was one of shocked embarrassment and she tried to stand calling out "Robert Robert". Robert grabbed her by the hips and pulled her down onto him driving his cock into her with a fervour and answered, "Yes baby i'm nearly there, daddy is about to cumm"
Time stood still, my sanity was on the edge and my body shook with a mixture of anger and disbelief.
"Stop fucking on my lounge" I screamed.
Carol started crying loudly and Robert stopped his upward thrusting and muttered a "HUH" as I turned and hit the OFF button on the stereo.
They both jumped for their clothes as I turned without saying a word and headed toward my bedroom. I could hear some hurried movement and whispering as I stripped and climbed into bed thinking I may never attain an erection again or have a remote interest in sex as long as I live after seeing that.
To my surprise I did sleep and when I woke, I woke to an empty house, a note sat on the table with the key I had cut.
It read
"We are terribly sorry our lovemaking upset you and have decided to check into a hotel for privacy. Thank you for your hospitality, we must have you over for dinner one night when we are settled"
"I wonder if that would be dinner with a show?" I thought as I dropped the note into the kitchen tidy.
User Reviews
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh
yes
give
it
to me
big boy
...why? just...why?!
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-01-24 02:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice imagery.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2006-01-22 03:51:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It had to be done.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I don't let others stay in my apartment for more than one night.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:11:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
That is horrible.
We don't have sex in other people's houses because I don't want people doing it in mine.
I hope you torched that couch.
______
*sigh* that's my reasoning, but my boyfriend seems to get a kick out of boinking in public
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-01-20 08:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-20 07:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My learning assistant told me of the times she was sexiled by her roommate and her boyfriend. She would usually hole up for the hour or so in the nearby lounge and do some work, though it was rather hard to do much of anything given that the girl getting boned was a screamer. It certainly didn't help that my LA had a very good imagination, and that both of the copulators were enormously fat (they couldn't sleep side to side on the bed; they had to be stacked). Armed with this, my LA had nightmare material for many years of her life.
I like how they preferred to refer to it as "lovemaking."
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-20 07:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:34:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god dude. Why did you have to be so good at describing it?
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:27:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I just became an "inn-ie" in stead of an "out-ie"
FOUL
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My grandmother and my son (when I have one...eventually).
Those are two people that I don't want to see fucking.
Each other, I mean.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:54:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay. Nobody else is saying it, so I'm going to... sorry... (assuming that this is a true story, and I offer my humble prayers that it's not) but this is the only explanation for such frightening behavior. I think that these walruses you speak of may have had hopes of, uh, obtaining your er, cooperation. Then when you ordered them off your lounge, they realized all hope was lost for having a... Saxon Sandwich.
Then they jiggled on down the road.
==================================================
I think you are on to something.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay. Nobody else is saying it, so I'm going to... sorry... (assuming that this is a true story, and I offer my humble prayers that it's not) but this is the only explanation for such frightening behavior. I think that these walruses you speak of may have had hopes of, uh, obtaining your er, cooperation. Then when you ordered them off your lounge, they realized all hope was lost for having a... Saxon Sandwich.
Then they jiggled on down the road.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a theory on this that I will share.
I believe that obese lovemaking is proof that some people must
use geometry in everyday life. All those bisecting radii and such.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh for the love of christ.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EEWWWW
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor thing. *shudder*
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funny, although I don't guess you thought so at the time.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is horrible.
We don't have sex in other people's houses because I don't want people doing it in mine.
I hope you torched that couch.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all fun and games until somebody looses an eye.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god dude. Why did you have to be so good at describing it?
God damn. Some people shouldn't breed.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
things that make you go... ew
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-19 00:21:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"Fer fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."
-=-=-=-=--=-
HAhahahahaha.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:47:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
relating to the titular theme of the post - needs more thorpe and williamson.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. I feel like sick and I've only been awake for five minutes.
YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK I WAS SICK DID YOU? I'm a MAN and you know this, Saxon.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm only laughing at this because I didn't have to witness it.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Dinner with a show'
Eeeughh...
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Couldnt look at them the same again ewwww ! +2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-19 06:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon scores another winner.
-Dave
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-19 06:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<wobbles>
<ejaculates>
<eats more pies>
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-19 06:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must. Clear. Mental. Images.
Damn...
Daddy's gonna cum baby
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-19 05:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now thats a story.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2006-01-19 03:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-01-19 03:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kinky.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-01-19 02:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story!!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-19 02:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and another
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-19 02:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!!
Submitted by SiddleyHawker (user info) at 2006-01-19 01:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody in Canada calls it the lounge room. It reminds me of a girl I copulated with a long time ago from Australia in the lounge room.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-19 00:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"Fer fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-19 00:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I freaking love you Saxon.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-18 23:31:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking wonderful, or wonderfully fucking! Eh? EH? GOOD ONE EH SEE WHAT I DID THERE????
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-18 23:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:46:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Um Thorpy i dont know how to tell you this but um yes they did use that bed you camped on but it did have a sheet on it which of course got a ceremonial burning when they left.
-=--=-=-==-
Wait...
Was it the matress on the floor or the bed?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-18 23:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking wonderful.
but not as in wonderful fucking.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Stop fucking on my lounge" I screamed.
You couldn't have handled it any better.
Great story.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Australia. It's like a South-Eastern Canada.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um Thorpy i dont know how to tell you this but um yes they did use that bed you camped on but it did have a sheet on it which of course got a ceremonial burning when they left.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA. I've slept in that bed.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:26:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugghhhh...
... did this happen before or after I slept in that bed in the spare bedroom?
----------------------------------
AAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Please tell me it was before!
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my. Gag fest
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:32:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaha!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:26:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugghhhh...
... did this happen before or after I slept in that bed in the spare bedroom?
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgiven. It's what's inside that counts, right? Or is it o=3 what counts?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-18 22:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:47:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
And it's Bill Withers you dolt.
-------------
May bad. I'd never heard it before, and I went to a VM concert at Red Rocks last year, and he did it there. Had no idea it was a cover...
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:59:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more lunch and Brown-eyed mullets.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kill them both.
On second though, fat bodies are hard to hide... maybe just lock em in your basement and torture and starve them awhile...
Then when they're thin, kill them.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And it's Bill Withers you dolt.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
o=3
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:34:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!!!!!
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone.......
--------------
1) Yay for Saxon!
2) Yay for Van Morrison!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:-)
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!!!!!
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone.......
Uber has been Saxonless for toooooooo long.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugghhhh...
... did this happen before or after I slept in that bed in the spare bedroom?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-18 21:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Stop fucking on my lounge" I screamed.
===========
I blew a gasket right there buddy.