The Cambrian Era: The Most Badass Era of All Eras (1396 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: boners
Rating: 1.85 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's IHOP: Now with Crystle's Secret Waffles of Mystery (View user info) at 2006-01-19 04:21:39 EST
The Cambrian Era. I remember it well.
We must remember the lessons of the Cambrian Era or we will be doomed to repeat them. If history has taught us anything, it is that very fact. That and forgetting to bring bug repellent to the lake is bad news for everyone. Especially the babies. They just keep screaming and screaming. How can you feed babies to the bears when the bears keep getting scared away by the babies? Fucking babies. Fucking bugs. Fucking bears. Fucking Matt at work and his loud nose-blowing. I swear to God, I'm going to leave my dead bug collection in his mailbox and pray that he tries to eat it and chokes and dies and is eaten by the very bugs he was trying to eat himself! HAHAHAHA.
Um...yeah...Bugs. That's what the Cambrian Era was filled with - lot's of fucking ugly bugs. Not the sexy bugs. Hell no. They were ugly bugs with dicks for faces. Ew.
Like a billion years ago or something (okay, maybe more like 543 million years or whatever) the Cambrian Era strolled onto Earth like the biggest jock strolls into the gym locker room. He looks at you and you just know he's judging your hairless balls and bubblegum scented shampoo. He's going to make you eat your socks...the very socks you had worn that day. Goodbye socks. Goodbye...forever.
So here's the fucking Cambrian Era. The Cambrian Era was named after Cam and Brian, the two guys who tried to climb the goal posts on the football field at my high school. They failed and died in a tragic weather accident, involving Cam's aluminium helmet and Brian's...well...Brian's metallic body. He wore a full knight outfit for fear that the black knight would spear him. Tragically he died by falling onto a javelin, which puntured the armor due to the fact that Brian bought it from the flea market. The javelin happened to be owned by the only black guy at our school. That black bastard was always leaving his junk out everywhere.
So the Cambrian era, which was interestingly enough preceded by the Precambrian time, involved a lot of water and gross squishy things. For a few million years, not too much happened. Gross-ass bugs shat in the ocean and a bunch of other shit went down like the invention and inevitable destruction of the silent typewriter and tofu that doesn't taste like vomit.
Until one day, a creature so great and strong evolved. It rose from the sea like a zombie monster, drunk on power and his love of murderous murder. This creature was so powerful that the sick-ass bugs of the Cambrian Era were no match for its awesomeness.
I speak of the chicken. Yes THE chicken.
The chicken evolved from some leftover barnacle crap that the creepy-ass sea creatures didn't eat. Or at least that's how my grandfather explained it to me. He, of course, was arrested for stealing trees on land owned by the Queen. It wasn't like she was using them or anything...
The chicken killed everything, took over the land and ruled the Earth with its Iron-Claw of Metallica Justice (Lars Ulrich was his Minister of Finance). Until the chicken was brought down by Noah and his good ship the Pequod. Noah then went onto beat Tony Hawk for the Nobel Prize in 2210. Both invented ways of travelling through time. Noah's involved sleeping on an Obusforme mattress. I still think those are a crock of shit.
So after the Cambrian Era came a bunch of other Eras. Some were cool. Some weren't. I think that the Carboniferous Era was totally boning the Silurian Era but that's just what I heard from the Jurassic Era. And that guy is a total dick.
So if you ever have to bet on a fight between the Cambrian Era and a robotic Mohammad Ali, take the Cambrian Era. That guy packs brass knuckles. He'll burn down your house and salt the earth so nothing will ever grow again.
The last time I saw the Cambrian Era he was working in the door section of the Home Depot.
That's where the angriest people shop because, hey, who doesn't hate a door?
Don't fuck with the Cambrian Era.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 02:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never liked this.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-03 01:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You write like a daydreaming child. That's a refreshing thing.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2006-02-03 00:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Stevie go .
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-20 23:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please sir, may I have some more?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-20 23:24:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
waffles.
Thank you!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Can't I just write 'And then they all died?' Will that make you happy?
In all fairness, this was posted at like 3 a.m. my time, thus keeping it off the front page during the prime working hours...
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-20 12:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
322 hits? I believe I have shown the power I have over your hits. If you want to keep making B@W and ever make it on the MVA http://www.ubersite.com/m/70202 you know what you must do.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-19 16:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nigga please, the Mesozoic will eat your lunch...
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2006-01-19 16:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was it a magic chicken? I think it must have been.
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Post more.
That is all.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for big floppy cocks
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I speak of the chicken. Yes THE chicken.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"Im not really sure... I went to community college"
If it weren't for that I would have given you a -2. Why must you make me rate you negatively steve!?! You know I only do it cause I love you baby, and it hurts me more than it hurst you.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I still stuck in one of your eras.+
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:09:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the cambrian era was when the ancestors of conan's people (Cimmerians) were still living in Atlantis.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is my favorite post of yours.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this too fast and got brainfreeze.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Random and delicious.
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
genius
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ramblicious
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The chicken evolved from some leftover barnacle crap that the creepy-ass sea creatures didn't eat
Joking to....death....on....doughnut...you...funny...bastard!
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Im not really sure... I went to community college"
I have to give you a 2 for that.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean, rate it again.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:33:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wasn't going to rate this, but now I want waffles too...
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-19 06:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-19 06:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-19 05:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want some waffles.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-19 05:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Informative and stimulating.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2006-01-19 05:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Briliant!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-19 05:34:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-19 04:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesomeness
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-01-19 04:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As long as your killing birds, remember the lesson of the dodo: If it's dumb enough not the fear you, break its neck and eat its children.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-19 04:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'll build a log orphanage and kill two birds (and countless children) with one stone (petrol bomb)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-19 04:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-01-19 04:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Build a log cabin and burn it to the ground to show nature that it can't fuck with you. Burning down a cabin is like kicking nature in the balls.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-19 04:26:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck knows what I'm going to do at the weekend now