I was fired so I could use my crossbow in the office (3304 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 1.89 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-01-19 07:27:12 EST
I sat at work this morning, polishing my crossbow, when the boss came in.
"Oi!" He shouted. "Oi! Nath. No crossbows."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Health and Safety." He said.
"Show me where in the health and safety guide it says 'no crossbows'."
A few minutes later, after reading section 4, paragraph 3, I had to admit, it did say; "No crossbows."
"So can you please get rid of it?" He pleaded, worried about the General's inspection that would be starting in a few minutes.
"Just a second," I said, flicking through the rest of the manual. "It doesn't say anything in here about a zombie attack."
"So?"
"So if a zombie attacks, what the hell am I going to defend you lot with? A chair and a printer?"
"I don't think a zombie attack is going to happen." The boss said. Fateful words, as a shit load of hands suddenly burst from the wall behind him and grabbing at him, pulling him back through the wall while he fought to stay where he was. "Holy shit, Nath. Help me!"
"No chance. Section 4, paragraph 3. No crossbows."
"Okay, okay, you're fired for the time being. The guide no longer applies to you."
Awesome.
I picked the crossbow up, and without even needing to aim, fired at the oncoming zombie hoards.
"What the fuck was that?" The boss yelled, as an arrow hit him deep in the shoulder.
"Sorry. I can't shoot for beans." I said. "Let me try again."
I ran over and pulled the arrow out of his shoulder, causing him to scream again as I ran to the back of the room.
"You only have one arrow?" The boss yelled, still complaining.
"Stop bitching." I reloaded the arrow and stood a bit closer. "And when I say duck, duck."
"I can't duck." He yelled. "One of these things has me by the hair."
"Don't be such a fucking wimp. Ready...duck!" As the boss forced his head down, the arrow hit him in the leg. "Sorry." I said, jogging back over and pulling the arrow, except it didn't budge. "Shit. I think it's in the bone."
"Then leave it alone. Just hit them or something."
"You mean like, with my karate or ninjitsu or something?"
"Do you know either of those?"
"I once watched the Karate Kid and Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles, one after the other."
"That doesn't count."
"Why the hell not?"
"Because they're fictional. Just hit them with your fist."
"Like Rocky?"
"If you like."
"But I'm not a boxer."
"You don't have to be."
"Right. So I can box, without being a boxer, but I can't do karate unless I'm trained by someone other than Mr. Miyagi or Splinter? That's fucking racist."
"Just punch one of them."
"Got any gloves?"
"No."
"Then no fucking chance. I'm not getting bitten." I stood back to a safe distance to ponder. "I could try firing a pencil. That might work."
"No. No more crossbow until you get good at it."
"Well I'm never going to get good unless I practice, am I?"
"Maybe you could practice at home. Just save me, for fucks sake."
"I know." I thought suddenly coming to me. I pulled open draw and searched through all the crap in there until I found my knife.
"That's a bread knife." The boss said, sounding more pissed off at me than the zombies.
"So? It's still a knife." And to prove my point I throw the knife. The knife bounced off the wall and landed on the floor, which was covered in dripping blood and viscera from the walking dead. "Great. Going to have to wash that again now."
"Now?" The boss screamed.
"Not right now. I'll do it at lunch time."
"Please hurry, Nath." He pleaded. "They've almost pulled me through the fucking wall."
"I'm thinking."
"Before they bite me."
I stood, thinking for a little while longer.
"Why don't you bite them? They might turn human."
"I don't think it works like that."
"When has it ever been tried? Go on. Be radical. Think outside the box."
"Nath for fuck's sake..." He screamed as he finally got pulled through the wall.
The zombies lunched on him for a bit, and he must have either been very filling or given them the shits, as they disappeared straight after.
"Thank fuck for that." I said to myself, as I sat back down at my chair, and started writing about this morning, when I was polishing my crossbow.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 06:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Every line of this is a slice of solid gold
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-06-12 15:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i miss nath.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-07 21:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ought to read some more of your silliness.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-10-07 21:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Why don't you bite them? They might turn human."
+ Tredecillion eternal life.
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WTF? Awesome!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 01:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me.
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror III
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cdoggown (user info) at 2006-01-25 22:21:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
Awful long conversation for a man who is being manhandled by zombies...
squawk squawk squak. Yes, might be a bit long given the situation but holy shit this was far too awsome to be downgraded because of that.
Submitted by cdoggown (user info) at 2006-01-25 22:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Awful long conversation for a man who is being manhandled by zombies...
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-01-25 22:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:29:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies are impervious to arrows you lying wanker
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he never said he hit the zombies so we will never truly know for sure.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-25 18:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
as promised
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-25 17:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to review this one. Gold.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-25 08:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:11:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are truly a team player.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am going for a bonus
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-21 16:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-20 10:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
Treehouse of Horror III
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2006-01-19 23:35:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm sorry shaun"
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-19 18:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can bring a crossbow to work. Woo! Well, there's no rule stating I can't at least.
I'm going to take a crossbow to work and see if they change the manual because of me again.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2006-01-19 16:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who wrote the manual?
Submitted by ELG (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:40:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had written this
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GOLD!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:07:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny stuff! one note though: Bolts are used with crossbows, arrows are used with a plain old uncrossedbows.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are truly a team player.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See, thats ANOTHER reason I like this site...
It makes me smile when people point out words that I don't notice anymore.
Oi is one of my favourites.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oi
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oi!!!!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies are impervious to arrows you lying wanker
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
solid 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:03:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love random crap.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you ever get your job back? If not you're technically there for no reason. Run man, run like the wind. Unless theres a catered lunch today.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sorry. I can't shoot for beans." I said. "Let me try again."
--------
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHA
This is fucking hilarious. Well done.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had written this
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have stopped talking to absolutely everybody at work since they have instituted the rule that there "will be no socializing with other associates while on premises during the associate's scheduled hours." Who the hell needs that friendly companionship at work anyway.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was getting hired for my first job, my boss was reading me a list of weapons you cannot bring in, including shotguns. When he said shotguns I responded "But shotguns are the number 1 most effective weapon against zombies! What do you expect me to do? Melee them with a pistol?"
He just stared at me and then kept reading from the safety sheet.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-19 09:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
but how did they get past having to show their badge to an 80 year old woman to get into the building?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are dead, dead funny.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You only have one arrow?"
Oh man, you crack me up every time.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a crossbow.
And a big brass spitoon.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those fucking zombies will get you every time
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:45:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cowabunga
Submitted by DarkDante (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tres bien
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:24:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Misdirection
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:06:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-19 08:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:45:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Right. So I can box, without being a boxer, but I can't do karate unless I'm trained by someone other than Mr. Miyagi or Splinter? That's fucking racist."
--
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh Nath, you really do need to cut down on the old E-numbers. Too much Umbongo does this to a person.
---
Umbongo + Kung Fu = this post.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Right. So I can box, without being a boxer, but I can't do karate unless I'm trained by someone other than Mr. Miyagi or Splinter? That's fucking racist."
--
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh Nath, you really do need to cut down on the old E-numbers. Too much Umbongo does this to a person.
I'm going to go and check our Health and Safety policy now on work's stance on Crossbow maintenance during work hours.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's cool. Just appreciate you read it
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:40:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do, obviously
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
meh this'll d.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5 I think, I'm not sure how it works
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit.
well its gonna be somethin like that now
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to give this a 1.8, but I can't so here ya go.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well...it made me laugh out load... which made people stare.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-19 07:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They really need to include sections on the event of a zombie attack in those safety guides.