When Pissing Hurts: 1 of 2 (1975 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.89 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-01-19 09:58:09 EST
"Wait up guys! I gotta piss!" I remember calling out to my wrestling partners before they headed into the high school wrestling room.
I leaned up against the wall to relieve the Slurpee from my bladder that I'd had before school. It was the 11am on the Thursday before Spring Break my senior year in high school. As I tried to piss a sensation crept up my spine and into the back of my skull. An unbearable pain took control of my whole body and drop by drop the piss came out. My bladder was full and paining me but the actual release was worse. I figured I'd man up and just let the whole thing go, to my undying regret.
My knees buckled, my hands shook and sweat covered my face as I stood there for 3 to 4 solid minutes in sheer agony. I couldn't figure out what was wrong but my dick hurt so fucking bad that I realized I was squeezing it like it owed me money.
Being somewhat open with my parents I decided to let them in on my little predicament because I hadn't pissed the rest of the day after the midmorning torture and it was starting to hurt "My wang hurts when I piss.", I informed them over a spaghetti dinner. My mother decided that I needed to get an STD test the following morning. Fucking hooray.
::Enter the Embarrassment Troll stage right::
The Doctor looked like an aged Super Model. Gorgeous blonde hair, spectacular blue eyes, nice lips, and that MILF-like touch. She was probably in her mid 40's and was smokin'. She tells me that she needs to do 'a little swab test'. Little my ass.
I was placed in a room, nude besides the paper gown. Enter the Doctor................and her fucking assistant. They tell me to lift the paper so they could take a look. My cock and balls are just hanging there when they scoot me down to the edge of the table/chair so they can have unrestricted access to my package. The nurse sits on a stool with wheels and slides up to my crotch, face first, eye to eye with my package. The Hot Doctor is standing beside me and takes everything into her hand to show the girl how to hold everything so she could do the swab.
I'm completely emasculated at this point as the Doctor is holding my cock and balls and telling the barely legal nurse that by holding the penis and testicles at the base together it will straighten the urethra for the swabbing. Fucking awesome.
So the nurse fumbles with my package for a minute for whatever fucking reason. Hell if I know what the bitch was doing but I was thinking, "Baseball. Grandma. Renee Zellweger.". I'm doing everything I can to prevent myself from getting some wood with my package inches from the girls face.
The young nurse is sitting there telling me to relax with my balls in her warm hands and I'm sweating. Then the Doctor takes something from a tube and like a fucking Revolutionary War ramrod shoves that long mother fucker down my dick, holding it firmly by the shaft so I don't move. Two women are now holding everything I hold dear and are telling me to relax while they torture me. The scene from that old movie Ice Pirates where the pirates are one a conveyer belt and their balls are being ripped off comes to mind and I'm wishing to god that I would just die right there. (See below picture)
Several agonizing seconds later a 6 inch cotton swab emerges from my dick and I can finally breath again.
As she's putting it back in the bag and taking a second swab out to do the second and final test the nurse makes eye contact with me.
"Hey, didn't you go to High School with me?", she says, dick and balls still in hand like it's her microphone.
Fucking shit, I thought I knew her from somewhere.
"Um.......yeah I think so. You went to Hickory right?", I ask playing coy with a reddening face. Who the fuck is she?
The Doctor shoves another 6 incher up my dick and I flinch slightly but she's got a firm grip on me and all I manage to do fuck her hand slightly when I slide back into the position I'd been in before.
"Yeah, you used to sit at my lunch table. You used to date Crystal girl, right?"
The Doc is moving the swab around slightly inside my dick and then pulls it out and places it into a long bag similar to the one holding the other one.
"Yeah..................are we done yet?" I say, hoping for spontaneous combustion.
The Gorgeous turned Vile Monster Doctor looks to me and pats me on the shoulder, "OK, you can put your shorts back on."
The nurse releases my package and they droop back between my legs and rest on the pleather medical chair I was seated on, defeated and ashamed.
"We'll let you know the results tomorrow." The Doctor says as she smiles that ex-sexy now cruel smile at me.
"I forgot to tell you. I'm heading to California for a rock climbing trip tomorrow." I say.
"We'll let your parents know and I'm sure they can arrange something for you out there." She says.
As they go to leave me humbled in the examination room the familiar but nameless nurse turns to me, "Did you want me to tell some of the girls from the table hi for you?"
"Huh?" I say, defeated and beyond embarrassment.
"Oh yeah, we all go to the same church and our parents hang out on the weekends."
"Fuck." , is all that came out of my mouth as I shook my head.
They left the room and I sat there with my head in my hands, my balls sitting on their examination chair, and my face redder than a fucking fat kid on a StairMaster.
User Reviews
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-20 11:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
been there.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 11:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Wear a condom dude.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-20 04:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something
like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
Homer: You said it, you weirdo.
Mountain Madness
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-01-19 23:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
Be thankful you can't give birth sweetie, I assure you, it hurts worse than that.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2006-01-19 23:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture reminds me of braces
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-01-19 17:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Doctor shoves another 6 incher up my dick and I flinch slightly but she's got a firm grip on me and all I manage to do fuck her hand slightly when I slide back into the position I'd been in before."
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-19 16:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2006-01-19 16:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Be glad you're not a girl who has to go through that once a year.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-19 16:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have had this done, and I can attest that it is an entirely different style of pain that you have ever felt, o my brothers. EXTREME PAIN
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For your troubles.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not worth it.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ice Pirates, dumbass. It clearly says "See Below Picture" in the post. Next time actually READ before you review.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Where is that image from? I've seen that from a movie or something.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dread to think what will happen in part 2.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:49:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
It was probably God's punishment for being on the wrestling team, God does hate gays after all.
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I'm going to have to agree with Berty here. Sorry you got stuff jammed up your pee hole twice. I'm kind of shocked you didn't start crying like a little girl. Or did you and you just forgot to mention that part? I suppose that would've made things even more awkward with the chick you went to school with.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what's with bad penile stories today?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ice pirates and VD, always funny.
Did you actually have something, or was it dehydration?
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't believe i'm the first person to say
Auto ICE PIRATES +2.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for telling your mom your wang hurts.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TWO PENIS RAPING JOKES IN ONE DAY! ARG!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have farted when she had her face down there?
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda poked her in the eye
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why have I never heard the word 'pleather' before?!
So obvious..!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-19 11:02:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:49:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
It was probably God's punishment for being on the wrestling team, God does hate gays after all.
---
see - i've made this point on the other inflamed japs eye post. Bum sex = urinary infection. It's nature's way of saying 'wrong hole you pillock'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was probably God's punishment for being on the wrestling team, God does hate gays after all.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So the nurse fumbles with my package for a minute for whatever fucking reason. Hell if I know what the bitch was doing but I was thinking, "Baseball. Grandma. Renee Zellweger.". I'm doing everything I can to prevent myself from getting some wood with my package inches from the girls face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I'm dead fucking serious man, even though Renee Zellwegger could probably de-bone me in a matter of nanoseconds, chair is the way to go. Just think about that chair over and over and how stupid it is that I have to sit in this uncomfortable piece of shit for eight hours while Rondell down the hall has one that massages his lower back? Can I sue for negligence? FUCK.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Just.... Damn.
You should have cum in her face however. The supreme act of mind over matter. THERE'S YOUR SAMPLE.
Uncalled for I know
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what is this, shove stuff up your peehole day or something? Damn you people make me hurt (and laugh, but that is beside the point)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do all these posts today insist on making my penis shrivel up inside itself! First post is the similar experience. Then the fat people fucking in Saxon's lounge. Now this?! God damn it!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ice Pirates
Submitted by DarkDante (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe piss
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Ice Pirates
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this is why the fench wrds, not cs Im dieseaed or anything.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82580
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 De Ja Vue.
Thats probably not how you spell it thoguh
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-19 10:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for embarrassment.
You should've gotten a hard-on and poked the nurse right in the eye.