Corporate Life (736 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.69 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saffron (View user info) at 2006-01-19 13:42:47 EST
Dear Corporate HR:
Recently I was approached by an employee with the following question :
"What had deranged homeless woman hair, is wrapped in a blanket and smells like they are smuggling onion and rotting cabbage on moldy bread sandwiches in their brassiere while bemoaning their lack of 'personal grooming time' due to Motherhood ?"
Since acquisition I have been asked to confer with corporate rather than handle these matters directly. My initial reaction, which would have been lauded as proactive under the old regime, was to force feed the offending person soap until it poured from her pores whilst hosing her down and possibly dousing above referenced blanket in gasoline to burn off any lice. I realize that under the new corporate structure this may be met with negative remarks in my next review cycle and am therefore requesting the corporate approve plan of action.
I considered simply working with Procurement to requisition Item 54-YAB3/Q, described as a 4x5" acrylic sign reading " Warning, this facility contains a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects" but was concerned given our location code classification we would be flagged by the Environmental Health and Safety Division for an ill timed, and assuredly costly, office close for Hazardous Material cleanup.
I then remembered my training on Diversity in the Workplace as well as last month's power point presentation on Ethical Leadership, and thought perhaps procuring sachets of rose petals for our employees to press to their noses, as was the practice during the Black Plague, would be in keeping with this corporate mandate. Surely it would enforce that we do not discriminate based on race, creed or parental state, which is, per the offending employee, the root cause of this issue. Sadly, it would require contacting the Real Estate and Workplace Services Division for further janitorial need to clean up the rose petals, which is in direct opposition of our CEO's dictate to aggressively cut costs in this area. Additionally I recalled a memo regarding the elimination of all blooming flowers due to excessive allergy complaints throughout the organization. Let me tell you that made for more than one awkward moment as our Receptionist has been forced to deny deliveries.
I am further concerned that any overt actions may encourage our more litigious employees to obtain legal representation. Olfactory assault, while an uncommon complaint, can easily be upheld if Corporate has been notified of the issue and is found negligent in amending offensive behavior. This is California, after all. Recently I had an employee file a Workman's Compensation Claim for respiratory issues compounded by our use of aerosols in the restrooms, which resulted in a costly overhaul of the exhaust fan systems in every site location and a 3 day collaborative review of best practices with the Site Operations Division to eliminate further employee distress and to bolster our image an as environmentally friendly corporation. You may have recall the list of banned substances was updated to include perfumes as well.
Additionally, I am worried that our new Enterprise Class partners will be disinclined to continue relationships once poisoned with the stench of rot and fermenting cheese that is now in the circulatory system, jeopardizing our position in the Global Marketplace and leading to further Workforce Restructuring efforts.
Your timely guidance in this matter is appreciated as members of our new German acquisition will be arriving within the week.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-17 17:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to +2 this
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2006-01-20 11:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The smell is not a regular issue, it was a one time deal this week. I was just venting.
I've had the personal hygeine chat with MANY Indian programmers during the dot com bubble. I've also had the " I should not be able to follow your perfume stench like a snail's trail to your desk. Tone it down." chat and the most embarrasing chat of my career thus far, " Do you know you pick your nose when you are in deep thought? Stop wiping it under the desk, you are creeping your co-workers out."
Our new overlords are a bit more dry in their communication style. I naturally go with funny honest, they prefer documented emotionless. Guess which one people respond to better.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-20 05:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, ok. Here's what you do.
Ideally this should be dealt with by the line manager but if they're particularly pussified then you must send a low key summons to the offending employee, via email or a quick call. Ask them to drop by your office after lunch or something. Make it light hearted.
When they're with you you tell them, with a very serious expression, that you've had some complaints regarding body odour. THat's if it's a meek individual. Humiliation is an effective tool but if they look really upset then say something about them being a 'valued member of the team' or even better "<insert line managers name> has told me how important you are to the department..." although that can backfire if salary reviews are coming up. I'd personally stick to humiliation.
If it's a fiery employee then a more cautious and 'humane' approach is warranted. Be a little nervous, beat around the bush for 10-20 seconds before confronting the issue and hopefully they will have a little chuckle about it.
If they stonewall you and say "I don't smell" or "Surely what I do or do not do is my business!" then you've got to leave the line manager to proceed. I'm not sure you can discipline people for being stinky but you can discipline them for not working proffesionally with their colleauges. It's definatly important to make sure that the line manager is directly in the path of any blame that could arise from such a consultation though.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-19 21:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fantastic.
Submitted by Psycosis (user info) at 2006-01-19 20:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Open a hotmail account, write up an email that looks like some random spam message something along the lines of:
Do your pits smell like cheese?
Do you notice people around you leave a 3 meter air gap when speaking to you?
Do you think showering is optional not essential?
Well, in that case, it's time you hear about our exciting new products, SOAP and DEODORANT.
Brought to you by same people who introduced SHAMPOO and TOOTHPASTE, invented to help you out of those sticky, stanky awkward situations brought about by bad personal hygene.
If you act fast, we'll also throw in some LAUNDRY DETERGENT, never again let vile smelling clothing get in the way of all your hopes and dreams.
SOAP and DEODORANT - Just because you can't smell your own stench, doesn't mean others can't
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2006-01-19 17:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would love to be able to chat candidly with the employee - I used to just litter their desk with deodorants & fancy soaps - but truthfully, the Mother Ship that ate my little start up is rather sensitive about being sued.
The only thing more painful than the throat searing bile that ensues when one attempts to avoid vomiting from stench in a well populated office, is dealing with corporate.
I went subtle and shared a "perfume sample" with her. I also always carry mints to share with employees here who occasionally suffer breath that could peel the skin off an alligator from 50 yards. People generally get the gist of what I'm doing but without having to be embarrassed about their personal issues.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-19 16:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:58:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
HR is a tough job. I could never tell anyone else that they stink. That's a hard thing to do. But don't people smell themselves? Like, they can't smell their own stank? Come on
---------------------------------
The nose does get used to a smell if it's there long enough. That's why some people douse themselves in perfume, they figure if they can't smell it on themselves, it must not be working. Meanwhile, birds are dropping dead out of the sky and plants within a 5 mile radius are wilting. As for the BO stank, as I understand, some cultures haven't embraced the miracles of deodorant and don't think they smell like rotten cheese.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HR is a tough job. I could never tell anyone else that they stink. That's a hard thing to do. But don't people smell themselves? Like, they can't smell their own stank? Come on.
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what is it with you people that write? you're good at it.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There has to be something you can do before the place becomes a Super Fund site.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-19 15:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wish my company took smell more seriously. I asked if we could institute a "scent policy" specifically aimed at the 3 women in my office who marinate overnight in Gucci. I can't be anywhere near these women unless a)I breathe through my mouth b)I want a migraine. When I asked about this, I was told that they couldn't ask people not to wear perfume. They sent out an email asking people to go easy on the perfume or apply it in the bathroom instead of their cube. How does that help???
I'm just glad I'm not the one to tell people with body odour problems that they smell rank.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Take your letter back.
This needs to be submitted in triplicate.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
posh.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ that was a sweet letter.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this had a lot of big words.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I partially thought "What the jesus fuck?"
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-19 13:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har!
I've heard some gooden's about the "You smell" speech. People usually don't react as badly as you'd think. You both may be able to have a laugh about it.