how the other side lives - cocaine, breeding stock whores, and Twisted Sister ruined my friend - part 2 (1442 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.88 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2006-01-20 13:04:40 EST
here is the first part of this little mini-series < http://www.ubersite.com/m/82053 >
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I knocked on the door and pushed it open as she yelled "Come in.."
They never lock up their house, stupid with the kids there and all.
There neighborhood isn't the best either. One neighbor drives a Vietnam era military vehicle to work. Another has a Monte Carlo, with "a twenty thousand dollar blueprinted engine", I'm not sure why he'd spend 20K on an engine. Why not spend 15K and fix some of the rust? Another neighbor drives the "General Le Baron." This is exactly what you think it is. He wears full camo gear and a beret while motoring about in this abomination.
Lots of dogs and loud arguments about guns and fucking going on there...
I pushed the door shut behind me and made the immediate little right turn into the living room, looking down at my feet as I walked in.
"Can I suck your dick?"
The dumb twat was completely unclothed, lying on the sofa, legs slightly parted with her freshly shorn funk tunnel visibly ready for....something.
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"Mike" sells me weed.
I don't smoke anymore, but my wife still enjoys her combustible plant matter a good bit. The problem is she doesn't have any contacts here, so I get to be a drug runner. Like the Dukes of Hazzard, but with small misdemeanor amounts of pot instead of moonshine.
No Roscoe P. Coltrane. No Uncle Jesse.
There is a Boss Hogg character however.
She just asked if she could suck my dick.
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I've known Mike for a long time, since middle school. He used to be a bright guy. Knows four or five languages. Science guy, blew through all the advanced courses, high school, college, for as long as he was there, stoned out of his mind the whole time.
His biggest weakness is women. He'll fuck anything with a vagina as long as it's vaguely humanoid.
Mike used to live with "Lisa"
She moved in after he got her pregnant. While living there, she had another kid. That one was made by a friend of theirs, in the bathroom.
Lisa likes cocaine more than she likes Mike. Mike decided he liked cocaine a good bit as well, after Lisa moved in.
Lisa's husband was a frequent visitor to their house as well. He usually brought the three children they had created together.
Those kids are 14, 12, and 10.
Lisa is 28.
Lisa's husband is 35.
The math makes Lisa's husband a little scummy.
His claim is that they broke up, not divorced, just broke up, because she slept with his best friend, who happened to be Mike. Her claim is that they broke up because he slept with her 16 year old sister.
They have good natured arguments about this in front of the kids.
Good people these...
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Mike and Lisa had planned a two week vacation to Florida. Do some deep seas fishing, spend a lot of time in bars, and lay on the beach.
Mike worked at the slaughterhouse while Lisa stayed home with the kids. He was a bone picker. Any stray animal pieces that fell off the various conveyors, he got to clean up. He needed his vaction.
One evening, while Mike, was being the angel of death to all the little piggies, Lisa had a party and her friends drank all Mikes beer. They smoked up all his drugs.
Mike cashed in Lisa's ticket and went to Florida by himself for three weeks.
This was when I got propositioned. I knew Mike was out of town, but she had sold me a bag a few times when he wasn't around. I didn't like going there when she was home alone, she made me uncomfortable, but my wife had been out of smokables for a few days and was jonesing so I called up... she said to stop on by and she'd hook me up.
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Just having my clothed penis in the room with this persons exposed vagina there was about an 88% chance of pregnancy. This was one fertile sow, she already had five kids at the age of 28.
My poor eyes had to see the entire package.
Bug eyes.
Horse teeth.
Breasts like a couple of sunny side up eggs.
Rounded Buddha belly, complete with elastic imprints from the enormous pair of panties left crumpled on the floor.
Pockmarked thighs, quivering from the effort of sustaining their own mass. Bruised and battered calves...
She had sock lint in between her toenails.
I feared that my manhood would never again be capable of engorgement..
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".....No.
I mean, no thanks....
I mean, Oh...shit...
I mean thanks but, no, I don't think so."
She didn't answer, just looked at me and then touched her razor-burned box, smiling at me, missing tooth and all.
"Listen, I'm not going to fuck you. OK? Mike's my friend, I just want to buy a bag and get the fuck out of here."
She made a disgusted little snort and reached under the couch to pull out the weed box and the scale. She sat up to weigh out the bag. And as she leaned over to read the scale the eggs pointed downwards and turned into little cones of swaying flab.
My scrotum pulled itself up tighter into my torso.
I threw fifty bucks on the table , grabbed my bag and left without saying a word
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When Mike returned, Lisa was two weeks pregnant. She says she's not sure who the daddy is. This time he kicked her out.
She moved into a housing project outside of town.
He gets the one kid that's his every weekend.
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I went to visit Mike the Friday before Christmas. General Le Baron neighbor was over. They were drinking Natural light out of pitchers, no cups.
He was drunk as hell. He explained it as such, and this is a direct quote:
"Cocaine, ..I took lots so then Xanax for calming down and now beer. I drunk."
Then he fell into the space heater. He got laid off at the slaughterhouse and didn't have natural gas service anymore. I guess coke was a bigger priority...
As I asked him to sell me a bag I noticed all the presents under the tree. Lots of Dollar Store stuff for the kid and a bag of socks for Lisa.
"Why the hell are you buying her presents man? Fucking whore..."
"Want to listen to Twisted Sister?"
"?"
He'd found an old record player somewhere and was holding a copy of an old Twisted Sister record. He put the vinyl on the turntable and started it up, full volume.
As he weighed out my bag he got really antsy and twitchy, he tossed me the bag and jumped up to play air guitar.
After a few minutes, he leapt onto the couch and started pumping his hand into the air in between his massive attack on the imaginary guitar, screaming the lyrics to Were not gonna Take It at the highest possible decibel level.
He threw a leg up into the air, topple backwards over the arm of the couch into the Christmas Tree, which then fell into the space heater and caught aflame.
General Le Baron just stood there laughing.
I pocketed my weed, poured Mike's pitcher onto the tree to put it out and left.
I'm pretty sure I won't be going back there anymore.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-01-23 09:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-23 08:25:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2006-01-21 20:44:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's gross
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 20:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. It had a nice ebb and flow to it. Was very easy to read.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-01-20 20:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh good god.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe
I like
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
y'know, pretty much every 'Lisa' I've ever met has been a nasty skanky whore.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:52:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
You guys think Urbanes box is nasty? pfffffft
This is easily the ugliest pussy I've ever had the misfortune to see. Just thinking about it has caused my vision to go blurry.
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Did you have a pocket knife on hand when she offered to screw you? Cause as you approach her you jam it inside and rip out her falopian tubes and then throw them against the wall so they stick.
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The comnined distance of her arms length and my arms length was entirely too close. Her vagina was exposed and it frightened me.
A projectile would have been necessary to accomplish the job.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:26:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
I leave for an hour and come back to this? Thanks for all the nicey nice my Uber friends.
MF, HV, indoninja- I agree. This bitch is the quintessential hosebeast. A frightening and gruesome indivdual with ovaries that won't quit. I offered to sterilize her with a swift and brutal betaing about the woman parts, but my friend wouldn't let me.
You guys think Urbanes box is nasty? pfffffft
This is easily the ugliest pussy I've ever had the misfortune to see. Just thinking about it has caused my vision to go blurry.
----
Did you have a pocket knife on hand when she offered to screw you? Cause as you approach her you jam it inside and rip out her falopian tubes and then throw them against the wall so they stick.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:37:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:14:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?
---------------------------------------------
I WANNA ROCK!!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I leave for an hour and come back to this? Thanks for all the nicey nice my Uber friends.
MF, HV, indoninja- I agree. This bitch is the quintessential hosebeast. A frightening and gruesome indivdual with ovaries that won't quit. I offered to sterilize her with a swift and brutal betaing about the woman parts, but my friend wouldn't let me.
You guys think Urbanes box is nasty? pfffffft
This is easily the ugliest pussy I've ever had the misfortune to see. Just thinking about it has caused my vision to go blurry.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck I'm lucky.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:30:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to remove that bitch's uterus with a rusty spoon. No one should have that many children by the time they are 28, with that many fathers, and no money or morals to raise them with.
-----------------
This pleases Liam.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn dude. I mean fuck. This is all it takes to have kids? I think people should have to fill out a form or else it is a forced abortion.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:42:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who am I to deny this a 2?
I like whores, after all.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:34:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I once met a chick with 5 kids by 6 different men.
Scank.
===============
Nigga, what?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once met a chick with 5 kids by 6 different men.
Scank.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm still trying to figure out how women like that not only live but actually thrive and procreate. it really should be illegal.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to remove that bitch's uterus with a rusty spoon. No one should have that many children by the time they are 28, with that many fathers, and no money or morals to raise them with.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs less skank, more 'Roscoe P Coltrane'.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:19:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whores!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?