Buttsecks Mountain (a Fairy Tale) (1504 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-01-20 13:31:44 EST
Fuck you, Employer
I really mean it this time.
If there's no work for me to do, then just let me go home.
Don't keep me here at the office and bore me to the point that I write a crappy fairy tale.
It IS Friday, after all, and I can find plenty of shit to do in town.
Asshole.
ONCE UPON A TIME...there lived two princes who often journeyed together far and wide taking care of their fathers' business. One day they were tasked with traveling to the distant reaches of the kingdom on court business. Off they went, spending days on horses together, speaking of the old times and talking of their many past adventures.
On the seventh day of their journey the older prince, Pitchero, looked at his map and saw that they were almost to their destination.
"Cousin," said Pitchero, "I have counseled our map and have seen that we are almost at our destination."
"That's what the narrator just said, codpiece," replied Catcher.
"Ah. Right. Sorry. We must cross over Buttsecks Mountain before we can reach the city. Are you ready for the journey?"
He was, and so they made their way up Buttsecks Mountain, riding side by side through the forest. As they approached the heart of the woods they heard shouts in the distance, and followed the sounds to a little cottage tucked amongst the shrubery. There they spied a woodsman and his wife coupling, back to front (in the old tradition) against a tree.
"Do me in the bad place, swine!" moaned the woman. Her hair was messy with bark and bits of leaves.
"Of course, wife! What's more, I shall sally you in this fashion until I am spent!" cried her husband, red-faced and exhausted from his hips' bucking.
He shifted his weight and repositioned himself. Both princes' eyes widened as they watched the woodsman enter "the bad place."
They returned to where they had come from, giving the couple their privacy. Their hearts were still racing, as they had both assumed there was adventure to be found at the cottage. Long had they desired to share another act of bravery together, and baffle the court with stories of their courage again.
That night they built a campfire, and rested on the southern face of Buttsecks Mountain. Silently they shared a meal. It was Catcher who spoke first.
"Cousin, does your heart still beat quickly in its chest?"
"Yes. Does yours?"
"It does. I've been thinking about 'the bad place.' Do you think it is truly evil?"
"If it was not, why would it be called so?"
"What if...what if we were to face this evil...together? What if we were to defeat it?"
Pitchero's eyes widened, and he smiled. "Yes! Yes, of course! What a story of bravery we'd have to tell the court! What heroes we'd be!"
Catcher grew quiet for a moment. He dropped his eyes to the ground.
"But what of our wives? They would not understand. Particularly Grundletaint, considering that you rescued her from the troll king so long ago."
"She will understand. Queefelda will understand. We are men of courage, and we have sworn to defeat evil. Evil in all of its forms."
"Well, are you ready, then?"
"I believe so."
The two princes disrobed, and coupled in the fashion of the woodsman and his wife. They took turns with each other, bracing against the trees and using sap to facilitate their efforts.
Hours into their experimentation, Pitchero, standing behind his cousin, yelled "I wish I knew how to quit you!"
"Douse the evil with your righteous juice!" Catcher yelled back between grunts.
And so they continued, in that fashion, until the sun broke through the night sky.
Exhausted and spent, they dressed and mounted their steeds. Descending Buttsecks Mountain, they reached their destination, conducted their business and returned to the castle triumphant.
Once arrived, they explained how they had learned of "the bad place," and the pains they took to defeat it. Both were exceptionally proud of their actions, and told the court everything. EVERYTHING.
Then their stunned and furious fathers imprisoned them and had them publicly beheaded as a lesson to their people. Closed-minded, intolerant fucks were all the rage back then, and, thus, made great kings.
THE END
User Reviews
Submitted by fluffy_love (user info) at 2006-09-12 03:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-03-31 16:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally forgot about this. I was thinking about this one today and I never rated it.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-03-20 22:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this? It's pure gold!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-16 00:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, read it
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-15 11:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060215/ap_en_mu/people_nelson_gay_cowboys
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-23 08:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Manly
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-22 23:30:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
skeet skeet
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-21 14:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Douse the evil with your righteous juice!" Catcher yelled back between grunts.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-21 12:10:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sap? I'm pretty sure that dries hard and sticky, y'u'no' amber...
pretty good a bit short though.
Submitted by Paddles (user info) at 2006-01-21 01:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
b@w
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2006-01-20 18:57:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I likee.
But I wanted a photo.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 18:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 18:36:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
OH SNAP! Are you gonna take that shit? This wench just threw mad hate at you bitch.
----
Uh....
I...erm.....
Let me get back to you.
I have to go masturbate while crying to myself.
=======================
Won't be a first for you.
zing
I'm going the fuck home, peace my negroes............
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-20 18:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Oh, Christ... the title alone...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-20 18:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:04:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Babies should be considered a sexually transmitted disease.
If they're unwanted, I mean.
MF - If he tries to pull a peter north, collect it in your mouth, kiss it into his and say "now give mamma's puss-puss a snowball!"
----------------------------------
Reverse snowballs can occur, too. Take heed whilst directing your partner to 'lick it off'.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 18:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:26:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:02:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:57:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Babies....the ugly by-product of drunken sex.
=====================
You really shouldn't talk like that about yourself.
====================
OH SNAP! Are you gonna take that shit? This wench just threw mad hate at you bitch.
----
Uh....
I...erm.....
Let me get back to you.
I have to go masturbate while crying to myself.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-20 18:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
The dialogue was excellent, particularly between the woodsman and his wife.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:02:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:57:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Babies....the ugly by-product of drunken sex.
=====================
You really shouldn't talk like that about yourself.
====================
OH SNAP! Are you gonna take that shit? This wench just threw mad hate at you bitch.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, but it should have been "Fairy tail"...
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Babies are wonderful........
with some mashed potatoes and gravy!
I'll have to try that o-tron.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:04:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Babies should be considered a sexually transmitted disease.
If they're unwanted, I mean.
MF - If he tries to pull a peter north, collect it in your mouth, kiss it into his and say "now give mamma's puss-puss a snowball!"
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:57:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Babies....the ugly by-product of drunken sex.
=====================
You really shouldn't talk like that about yourself.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My girlfriend asked me what 'skeet' meant.
With a wicked grin I told her "I'll show you." Yeah she wised up to it right as I was about to do it. Lemme tell you being slapped in the balls will kill your orgasm in ways you can't imagine.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But if I say that, MasterFist will skeet on my face and not my fertile eggs.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:50:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:30:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:22:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for you to write prose for quite some time now.
And I feel glee.
Vast amounts of glee.
---
I did it just for you, ninjette.
-------
I'm not sure you understand how hard you rock.
I rescind my ninja type threats.
-----
A ninja would never do such a thing.
You betray your training with such a statement.
Stick to your guns, munchkin. Er...your blades.
(You'll still lose.)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:54:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:42:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I love it. "I shall sally you in this fashion until I am spent" I must work this into an actual conversation somewhere.
=================================================
I am going to do this tonight. Momma's ovulatin' and it's baby makin' tiiimmmmmmeeeee!!!
----
I don't know why, but for some reason you saying that killed any erection I had for you...
Babies....the ugly by-product of drunken sex.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:54:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:42:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I love it. "I shall sally you in this fashion until I am spent" I must work this into an actual conversation somewhere.
=================================================
I am going to do this tonight. Momma's ovulatin' and it's baby makin' tiiimmmmmmeeeee!!!
----
Aaawwwwwwww shit! Roll back the carpet, clear away the breakables and take that mothafuckin diaphragm! Skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright I am heating you.
Uh okay... Uh....
Oh right. I LOVE GEORGE BUSH! I AGREE WITH HIS POLITICS!
Okay that should bring some heat.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:42:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I love it. "I shall sally you in this fashion until I am spent" I must work this into an actual conversation somewhere.
=================================================
I am going to do this tonight. Momma's ovulatin' and it's baby makin' tiiimmmmmmeeeee!!!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:30:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:22:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for you to write prose for quite some time now.
And I feel glee.
Vast amounts of glee.
---
I did it just for you, ninjette.
-------
I'm not sure you understand how hard you rock.
I rescind my ninja type threats.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:11:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry to hear that.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i would behead my son too.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grundletaint?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I love it. "I shall sally you in this fashion until I am spent" I must work this into an actual conversation somewhere.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:22:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for you to write prose for quite some time now.
And I feel glee.
Vast amounts of glee.
*Squeak*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=423412654049302774
Click. Revel. Enjoy.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was thinking maybe Catcheri or something. I didn't want them both having names that ended with 'o.' But Catchera, Catchere and Catcheru sound wee tod did. Sofa king wee tod did.
So, whatever. Catcher, Catcheri, Catch-Catch. You can call them Butch and Sundance if it blows your skirt up.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
Shouldn't the second prince's name be Catchero?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than the original.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:30:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:22:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for you to write prose for quite some time now.
And I feel glee.
Vast amounts of glee.
---
I did it just for you, ninjette.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:29:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pitcher and Catcher....Grundletaint and Queefelda. You are genius.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:35:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Homolicious.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for you to write prose for quite some time now.
And I feel glee.
Vast amounts of glee.
*Squeak*
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ass stabbingly good
Your fixation with the penetration of the anus has provided the average Uber user with ever so much joy.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:52:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to say that next time during sex. I swear to GOD I will. I probably won't get sex for a few weeks after that in retaliation, but it'll be worth it.
---
Do it. Record it. Post the .mp3.
---
Better yet, I'll video tape it.........
Maybe I'll just record it. Fuck I need a digital recorder...Should probably buy one anyway.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:54:53 (#)
Ranking: 1
ATTN GHEY MENZ
---
What do you expect? It's a FAIRY tale.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
*sigh*
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:52:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to say that next time during sex. I swear to GOD I will. I probably won't get sex for a few weeks after that in retaliation, but it'll be worth it.
---
Do it. Record it. Post the .mp3.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ATTN GHEY MENZ
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good times had by great kings...
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Of course, wife! What's more, I shall sally you in this fashion until I am spent!" cried her husband, red-faced and exhausted from his hips' bucking.
I am going to say that next time during sex. I swear to GOD I will. I probably won't get sex for a few weeks after that in retaliation, but it'll be worth it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:47:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you said shrubbery.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
something about the idea of sap as butt lube makes me squirm in a bad way.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:44:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm feeling very melancholy today.
As always, teh buttsecks cheered me up.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy horse piss!!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love stories with happy endings.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Homolicious.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Note: I tried to get the 'fairy tale' sound down for this, but with all the dialogue it doesn't come off quite right. I couldn't be bothered to try, really, because I'm about thirty minutes away from jumping out a window or yell "BATSHIT!" or something just to spice up the day.
Office boredom: It's what's for lunch.