The Tao of Saved by the Bell (1206 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.2 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zoidberg (View user info) at 2006-01-20 15:36:42 EST
Perhaps it has something to do with the eerie similarity of the spellings of Solomon and Sodomy
I hate when people ask me for relationship advice. Especially straight people. I constantly ask my friends and acquaintances, "Leave me out of your personal life, I have enough shit on my own to deal with." Yet inevitably, they persist. You would think the fact that I have never answered any of their questions would dissuade them from pestering me any further, but no, as if the eerie similarity in the spelling of the words Sodomy and Solomon convinced them of my wisdom, they persist.
"ZB, I really love my girlfriend, but I think she's cheating on me, what should I do man?"
How in the FUCK should I know? Do you really think I'm gay because I understand women? More likely then not I just got so sick of their bitching I decided to start fucking someone who wouldn't care if I wanted to play Xbox instead of helping pick fabric for curtains.
"I don't know man. Please don't bother me with this shit. Just do what your heart tells you. "
"Thanks man, that's deep."
"Whatever"
So fuck it. Asking them politely not to look at me as their own personal Dear Faggy hasn't worked, and neither has being flat out rude. I turn now to absurdity.
From: ******@gmail.com
Sent: Tue 2/20/2006 1:06 PM
To: Zoidberg
Cc: Keller ******* (*******@gmail.com)'
Subject: last day
Dude where you been? I've been calling you. I cheated on Tabitha with this girl who showed up to the crawfish bash, and I don't know what to do cuz I think she's going to find out. I don't want to loose her. You helped me out before with what to say, give me a hand now.
From: Zoidberg
Sent: Tue 2/20/2006 1:36 PM
To: ******@gmail.com
Cc: Keller ******* (*******@gmail.com)'
Subject: RE: last day
This like totally reminds me of an episode of Saved by the Bell. Mr. Belding was going on a date, right? And like, he was really nervous because he hadn't been on a date for awhile (I think he was cheating on his wife too, I can't really remember) And he asked Zack to come along and help him. Zack was totally like "No Mr. Belding dude, you have it in you." And really, that's my philosophy on life. We all have to channel our inner Mr. Belding to really rise to our strengths.
Look at Zack. The next season, he dated a homeless girl AND a girl in a wheelchair, in the same season. Not at the same time of course, because that would have been wrong, and thats totally not the type of guy Zack Morris was. Sure Slater may have called him "Preppie" but it wasn't a disparaging term. I think there might even have bit a little bit of a crush there. And because Slater never seized his inner Mr. Belding and told Zack his true feelings, he's now stuck hosting "The Planet's Funniest Animals" or something like that on Animal Planet.
So seize your inner Mr. Belding. Be what you know you have inside you. Unless you dont want to date a homeless girl. Then I guess only seize half of your inner Mr. Belding. I'm not sure what the exact amount you would need to not date a homeless girl but still rise to your maximum Mr. Belding potential. Probably like half or something.
I eagerly await his response.
User Reviews
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-01-19 02:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
u also suck
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-03-04 23:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this was good, but has nothing to do with tao
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-04 23:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thought you'd appreciate these...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zAtUfWMpvAQ
http://youtube.com/watch?v=p61mD558egA
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0O7Nc6aUOhg
http://youtube.com/watch?v=VUuFPUO6K1I
http://youtube.com/watch?v=EHV0VGFIM6I
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ljtuGoIIKGs
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-02-07 02:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahhahaha
Texas makes the best kind of queer
(initially i thought 'tao' may have also been a play on 'taco' as in Taco Bell, but that may have been influenced by the fact that i just finished eating some Taco Bueno)
Submitted by JackalFett (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One benefit of the homeless girl date is being able to just drop her off anywhere afterwards.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha ha
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-01-30 01:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck u jew lobster
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-01-21 18:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wrong message
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-01-21 13:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I worked loss prevention for a department store.
horrid little job, very little pay. fun tackling people though
Submitted by hispaint (user info) at 2006-01-21 08:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that was just hilarious
Submitted by Nockane (user info) at 2006-01-21 03:35:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have to agree, Slater was gay
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-21 03:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell yourself that you sound gay.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-01-20 22:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
You should have done it with "Dallas."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-20 19:26:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell your pal that he sounds gay.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-20 19:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:56:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:50:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Then I see a sweet looking piece of female ass go by, and I forget all about it. Female ass is worth the hassle, the pain, the money, the trials and tribulations. WELL worth it.
Man ass is not.
===========================
Man ass is definitely not good, hairy and odd, frequently emitting sounds and smells better left alone. I'm even disdainful towards my own ass.
----------------------------------
After reading that, I've never wished I was a lesbian more in my entire life than I do right now.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-01-20 19:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who is chuck klosterman?
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2006-01-20 17:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I see you read Chuck Klosterman's book.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Two mustaches grinding against each other as part of the pasionate kiss...aagghhhh NO.
No worries, that makes me cringe too. Im dreading reaching the age when a mustachioed man is my only recourse for release.
Maybe I'll get lucky and land George Clooney.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
40 people hate Saved by the Bell, 5 people hate Mr Belding, 130 people hate Screech, but only 2 people hate Dustin Diamond.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:50:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Then I see a sweet looking piece of female ass go by, and I forget all about it. Female ass is worth the hassle, the pain, the money, the trials and tribulations. WELL worth it.
Man ass is not.
===========================
Man ass is definitely not good, hairy and odd, frequently emitting sounds and smells better left alone. I'm even disdainful towards my own ass.
It's not the buttsecks piece of homosexuality that I find that bad, God knows I'd hit my wifes pooper if she'd let me, but the mental image of two guys kissing is disturbing to me. Two mustaches grinding against each other as part of the pasionate kiss...aagghhhh NO.
Sorry Zoidberg.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your words are confusing and therefore wise.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was the very last bit that earned the +2. Excellent. You made me want to watch Saved by the Bell again.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be gay.
I mean, can't I be gay, but not have to kiss, fondle, or otherwise have anything to do with a man sexually?
Then I see a sweet looking piece of female ass go by, and I forget all about it. Female ass is worth the hassle, the pain, the money, the trials and tribulations. WELL worth it.
Man ass is not.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA "Dear Faggy" made me find out how much cola burns when it comes out my nose.
Thanks
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
...hey hey hey WHAT is going on here?
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for teh gay and this: "Probably like half or something."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can't convince them with logic, confuse them with them a curveball.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Just saw the one with the wheelchair this morning.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2006-01-20 15:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh.