A Lesson in Piety -or- Don't Fart at My Funeral (1383 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by charminglybeef (thewerdisberd at hotmail.com) (View user info) at 2006-01-21 19:49:11 EST
Let me start by saying that I have never been a religious man. Despite my father's best efforts (or perhaps, as a result of) I have found myself to be in frequent and open conflict with the Levites of the world.
During my youth, I was of the resounding opinion that the Bible was the source of all evil in the world, and that anyone who believed a word of Mark's or Matthew's or Luke's or John's nonsense was an ignorant idiot who deserved nothing less than the Hell they so foolishly feared.
With age, these feelings gradually gave way to a gentle, human understanding, and as the ebb and flow of my hormonal tides settled in amplitude, I found myself willing to explore the social and cultural benefits of religion -- even if I was still not ready to except the notion that the earth was created 10,000 years ago.
And although never able to experience it, I was able to appreciate the richness that faith has brought to so many people and cultures. The peace-bound tenets of the New Testament are surely a source of much love in the world. The humble teachings of the Buddha bring order and purpose to the troubled mind. The earthen wisdom of Hinduism offer a mystic understanding of the universe around us. For each of its faults or flaws, religion seems to give a selfless and righteous gift to humanity.
It seems to me a simple truth that in it's search for the enigmatic who's and what's; when's and where's; how's and why's -- religion has itself become an enigma. A rich mystery that is gradually understood as the mind grows and finally solved as we shrink into nothingness.
Today, I write because I have found something in Christianity that even the most dedicated of atheists can understand and appreciate.
And it shall be titled thusly:
_Using the Bible to Ease the Awkwardness of Your Best Friend's Passing_
My friend died today. Not of a fashionable disease like AIDS or cancer, but of something quite horrible: Best Disease. This unfortunately-named degenerative afflication is one of the leading causes of blindness in people over fifty.
My friend however, was thirty-four.
"Well, how can a disease that makes people blind have killed your young friend?" you might ask. "It certainly isn't the worst disease out there -- I mean, you don't ever hear of people dying of Best Disease, do you?"
And oh gentle reader I assure you -- you couldn't be any more wrong! Much like the strange social phenomenon that keeps people from standing up and saying "old people shouldn't be allowed to drive!", Best Disease thrives on the principle that reality is far too harsh a thing to be discussed in the open.
People with Best Disease are continually drinking from the bottle labelled 'Strychnine Poison - Warning' instead of the one labelled 'Strawberry Passion Awareness', or picking up the hot iron instead of the ringing phone -- all because no one is willing to tell them that they need help. The disease is so degenerative that most everyone suffering from Best Disease dies within six months of being diagnosed.
My friend certainly being no exception.
It started with little things: beating the cat instead of the dog; fisting his wife's asshole; mistaking Woody Harrelson for Woody Allen -- but gradually grew to the intolerable but unmentionable climax of Best Disease: tongue-fucking your neighbour's children.
But dear reader, I assure you, my friend was no monster -- they looked just like his own children when the whole world was a wash of flying seahorses and rods that looked like cones!
And the beating that inevitably followed brought my poor, helpless friend to what were the final breaths of his tragically-short life, and me to the religious epiphany I shall share with you all now.
It was standing at the hospital, enjoying the sudden, repetitve change of hue on my friends face as I pinched and released his IV, that I began to feel tremendously burdened. I let the translucent plastic tube fall free of my grip and watched as he slowly regained consciousness.
"Matt," he sputtered.
"Yes David, I'm here."
"Matt, I don't want to die."
"Well, nobody wants to die, David."
"But I really don't want to die."
And with this, a solitary tear slid from his hideously-enlarged eye. "I want to see my kids, Matt."
"Well they're right here, David."
"But I want to SEE them, Matt!"
"Talk about making this awkward," I thought.
Feeling even more uncomfortable, I decided to coax him with the only thing I had ever found to be consoling in my entire life: cold, hard facts.
"Speaking honestly David, I don't think that's going to happen. Speaking honestly David, I don't think you're going to live another five minutes."
With that, his daughter began to weep and bury her face in the folds of her mother's skirt. I had never been so terrified in my entire life. I had never had to confront such open and undeniable human suffering.
"Soon David, you will be rotting in the ground with only the worms and moles as company."
The whole room was sobbing now.
"But take comfort in the fact that you shall experience none of the displeasures of death once your synapses stop firing -- for there is no such thing as a soul, and our emotions and senses are merely the result of electrical impulses and complex chemical reactions."
Horrible wailing now.
"Oh come on now guys, you know I'm only kidding," I lied. And after searching the room desperately for a card or a balloon or a weapon with which to take my own life I spied on the bedside table a lie that could perhaps re-rail this train-wreck: "Friends and family," I began, "we are gathered here today not to mourn the passing of David, but to celebrate his glorious entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven! His body but a vessel, his life but a trial for the soul of this pious man who shall surely not rot in the ground, but instead share the secrets of the universe with his master and creator."
And he died. With a subtle but certain smile on his face, he died. With a revived sense of dignity, he died. In silence, he died. And everyone had stopped crying. And through his death, I had learned the greatest and most important function of religion: shutting the snivelling traps of your dying friend and his family so that you don't have to deal with your own crippling emotional issues for one more day.
The End.
User Reviews
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-19 03:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure I get it, or if I do get it, I don't think it's that good, but who am I to break up a +2 streak?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-10 00:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your shit.
Not literally. I mean, your writing.
Shit.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-31 16:56:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
More people should be reading this post.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-31 16:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More people should be reading this post.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-30 22:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:45:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:30:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee hee for messing with his IV
________________________________________________________________
The whole thing was excellent, but the IV part induced real-world laughing out loud, as did the part about "he thought they were his children."
See you in hell, sicko.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-24 23:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Extremely well written, and I like that you toyed with the readers' emotions. The change in tone was abrubt (no doubt purposely so) and probably could have been a little smoother, but all in all an excellent story and post. I could definitely relate to a lot of the first half and that drew me in, and then WHAM! Well done.
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very Good +2 You sick basterd!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee hee for messing with his IV
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-23 05:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-23 00:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent fucking title.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-23 00:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He was beaten to death by his irrational neighbour.
Kisses!
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-22 23:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good...but how can that kill him?...
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-22 22:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ewoks?
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-22 21:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first four paragraphs were ewoks.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-22 14:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I read this out loud to my girlfriend after having written it -- I was embarassed by how many times I had to stop to laugh.
Some of the grammar and logic errors are regrettable. I find as I go back and edit a piece, I tend to read it as I intended it and not by what is actually recorded, replacing the words and phrases on the screen with those stored in my head.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-22 10:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another.
I think this is the most interesting post I've read here.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-22 10:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-22 00:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah the truth that is life.
Submitted by Tubabuhst_01 (user info) at 2006-01-22 00:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now thats what I call a post!
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-01-21 23:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
nah, fuck that
EXCELLENT!!!
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2006-01-21 20:33:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two for IV pinching
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-01-21 20:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
40 minutes to show time...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-21 20:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of my favorite posts ever.