Comfort in Shadows (763 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S.O.S. (View user info) at 2006-01-22 18:04:23 EST
I wondered who thought up the name 'restroom'. It's not as if there are park benches in there, and it's not as if there are people dousing you with water, cutting the swelling above your eye, and encouraging you to "slip the jab and go for the body". In the effort to clarify the utility of the space and offer a socially presentable alternative, some over-thinking person had only exacerbated the situation. All this I thought as I sat back in my chair and tilted the last bit of cheap merlot down my gullet.
"Excuse me, miss; where's the bathroom?"
"It's just down the hall and to the left," she said as she pointed the way, quickly scampering away so as to avoid what might have been my next question: "can I get a refill?"
But for all her evasiveness, she had passed the test. She had understood what I meant even if there wasn't an actual bath in the building. The inventor of the 'restroom' would have stood mortified as the inventor of the 'bathroom' danced a naked celebratory dance like a pow wow 'round a stall door. Chauk up another victory for the home team.
Thinking back now, I should have followed her and asked if they had shampoo just to see her reaction. I'm a dork like that sometimes, and instead of our envisioned love embrace, marriage, house, 3 kids, and vacations on the French Riviera, I always get the awkward, dismissive smile and a feeling of utter worthlessness as I walk away with my tail between my legs and little else.
'This bathroom is too clean,' I thought. The tiles on the walls were immaculate, the floor was clean, and it even smelled nice. I took out my Sharpie.
"THERE IS COMFORT IN SHADOWS"
I have no idea now why I wrote that. Not even sure if I knew then. I think maybe I just wanted to give the next Joe who came along with his dick in his hand something to ponder besides whether the guy next to him had a bigger cock, and the internal dialogue of explaining to said individual that this 'restroom' was a little chilly.
I thought about all this as I whistled and peed down the wall, missing the urinal entirely. The musty, acrid odor filled the room as I further pondered the exceptional acoustics that always accompany bathrooms. I remembered hearing once that the vocals to L.A. Woman were recorded in a bathroom. I exited humming "Mr. Mojo Risin'".
Halfway back to my seat, sickness began to set in...
I can't tell you at what age I first felt 'the sickness', but the symptoms are always the same. First comes the feeling that I am being followed - that someone is watching me. I feel diconnected from my surroundings, and there is a distinct sensation of floating slightly above my body. My feet move to autopilot, and suddenly seem to know their own way, which is a good thing, actually, because the ringing in my ears makes it next to impossible to maintain any kind of balance. If I look up at these moments, everything seems so far away...like at the end of a long tunnel. Mostly, though, I just look down at the floor. I've found the avoiding eye contact helps avoid direct confrontation with people, so I watch as my feet below step on every single crack in the tile or concrete on my way to wherever I'm going.
*******
As a kid, that used to bother me so much - stepping on the cracks. Those little superstitions are like leeches that latch onto us when we're young and stay with us until the day we die. I remember in Little League, there was this kid on my team that would always jump over the foul line before and after every inning. I never really understood this logic seeing as when it came time to run the bases, he just trampled them to death anyway...but as children are apt to do, I took to following suit, leaping over the foul line between innings. Come to think of it, I think that kid had our entire team doing it.
There is no "I" in "TEAM", but 'IRRATIONAL HABITS' has three of 'em. Still, we did win the championship that year, so that just reinforces the notion that I could, in fact, be wrong about this...but I doubt it.
I used to enjoy screwing with people's heads. Now I just try to avoid them at all costs.
In school, I used to go out of my way to fuck with people's heads - observing their actions like laboratory mice. Once in Home Ec., we were taking a test. The teacher had one of those plastic paper trays on her desk where we were supposed to turn in our finished papers. Student after student turned their papers in longways, in accordance with the width of the tray. When I'd finished my test, I went to turn it in, but being unable to leave well enough alone, and being genuinely curious about the outcome, I turned the entire stack of papers sideways in the tray. Then I went back to my seat and watched as student after student turned in their papers sideways.
This didn't come as a surprise to me, but what came next did. I approached the teacher's desk under the ruse of sharpening a pencil or something and turned the entire stack of papers at a 45 degree angle to the paper tray. To my shock, student after student continued to follow suit, turning in their papers at the same 45 degree angle. At some point, after nearly everyone had turned in their tests, some obsessive compulsive girl decided to straighten the papers in the tray. I guessed at the time that my brand of conformity just wasn't good enough for her. I wondered then if she considered the possiblility that I was analysing everything the entire class was doing. I wondered if she realized her actions were being recorded in my little black notebook.
*******
Floating back to my table I swerved to avoid a group of frat boys at the bar. There must have been a serious injury on the field or something, because they were all scrambling to give each other high fives. I did not look at them, but I saw everything.
In the brief moment it took to pass them, I noted that there were five of them, all in their early 30s, and all wore Doc Marten-style shoes and overpriced clothing from brand-name retail outlets. I also noticed that one of them was on a cell phone, and all of them were here to hold onto the past in some way.
For some reason, the thought crossed my mind that we rarely get a chance to confront our own death. Would they all be so carefree and raucous if there was a skeleton of a dead man on the stool next to them? All those people that the hospitals have scooped up and wrangled back into life's toilsome fray are people that would be rotting on a sidewalk somewhere - left there to be sidestepped by hurried businessmen bent on finding success.
The ringing in my ears was growing louder, so I decided to make a break for it. I couldn't even face the tab in that state, so I grabbed up my coat and hat and made for the door. Outside, the bitter chill penetrated my bones as I buttoned up and raised my collar.
Behind me, the night lit up in a firestorm as the bar with all its patrons and employees was reduced to an unrecognizable pile of flaming rubble.
You could ask the owl why he hunts in the dead of night, or the serpent why he never grew legs of his own, but I suspect if they could talk they'd both give you the same answer...
There is comfort in shadows.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-21 18:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:08:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
and i'm the retard that notices all the people in the shadows.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-01-31 12:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this. And your shadow is hiding behind the curtain.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2006-01-23 12:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The burden of the world is heavy right now. I can barely stand it, but I can barely feel it at the same time.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-23 09:08:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Freaky and confusing.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-23 08:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're never alone with a Strand
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-23 05:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You good man you very good the shadows its all in the shadows i feel that shit +2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-22 23:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-22 22:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-22 21:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:48:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
All Uber and no beer has made Axolotl pop his cork.
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heh heh...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All Uber and no beer has made Axolotl pop his cork.
Submitted by Tubabuhst_01 (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack McCallum: Very good Uber poster.
Now why he is putting that in every comment on the first page....I don't know.
Submitted by seasofseems (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:39:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack McCallum a dull boy.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and i'm the retard that notices all the people in the shadows. i need to be more oblivious.
this was awesome. it made me wish i had a penis so i could pee on a wall without having to lift my leg though.
Submitted by garyhal (user info) at 2006-01-22 20:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some very good writing. Although you seemed to wonder off to third person at the end.
Submitted by alamalmithral (user info) at 2006-01-22 19:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing.
Submitted by RenTheUnsightly (user info) at 2006-01-22 19:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really like it. although the bit about contemplating your neighbor's penis length in a public restroom--I can't really relate to that. Do you really think about that? Or did you add it just for filler? Cause it kinda broke with the tempo or style or something of your post.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-22 18:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. Thanks.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-22 18:39:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done...
Submitted by seasofseems (user info) at 2006-01-22 18:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Ghola.
I still haven't broken the 10 review barrier on a post. Something tells me this one won't make it either.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-22 18:17:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the rambling sort of feeling I get while reading this.
And I like this line:
"I used to enjoy screwing with people's heads. Now I just try to avoid them at all costs."
You have a style devoid of flimsy poetic upholstering. I enjoy reading when a writer doesn't chock prose full of poetic bullshit.
I've been meaning to read your posts. I can't remember what, but something you said in a review struck me.