Looking for a slacker? RIGHT HERE!!! (855 hits)
Category: Politics -> IraqRating: 1.36 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beer_bong (View user info) at 2006-01-23 05:37:30 EST
Has anyone ever read "A Confederacy of Dunces" before. Yeah, me neither. But thats what I should be doing right now. But, as you may have guessed from the title, I'm not. AS a matter of fact, I have a test on it in, oh, 7 hours, and I'm on page 51 of 400 hundred-ish. I'm too lazy to walk to my night stand and look at it. Its just a horrible book. Its having the same effect on me as "The Office". I watched a few episodes and I began to hate Steve Carell's character so much that I can't watch it anymore. I guess it's a sign of being a really good actor, to actually make me hate you as a person. Maybe that's the problem with this book. It's just doing such a good job of portraying the guy as a self absobred prick, that I actually hate it. Or maybe its just a shithole of a book. Either way, Ignatius Reilly can kiss my dick.
"Hey Ron, I'm riding a furry tractor!"
I signed up for this class called "Comedy, humor and satire" or something like that. Its a 200 level English class. I expected it to be a fun, interesting class. The professor is great, he's funny, starts every class with a "Public Service Anouncment" which is just a few qoutes from a random comedian, but its still fun. Our homework up till this point was stuff like "Find a funny word" or "Come up with a word for the male equivalent of 'Spinster'" Then he had t ruin it by assigning this pile of horseshit. I hate him now. Hate by osmosis I guess.
We've had to write one paper so far. Something funny. That was the only criteria. Here is a little snipet of mine.
" "You know, whoever said you can't order pizza for breakfast was an idiot." Damon spewed out, mouth half full of cheese and pepperoni. "You're the only person I've ever heard say that. Idiot." Jen yelled from the kitchen. She was always ready when given the chance to mock her boyfriend. She loved him though. Not nearly as much as she loves the black guy from her work, or as frequently, but she still cared. Jen walked out from the kitchen putting her pants on. "Fucker. Look at this stain." she said pointing to her pants "Now I'm going to smell like jizz and bongwater all day." Jeff burst out laughing as Damon shouted "Hey bitch, you're the one who wanted to fuck in the recliner. You knocked the bong over, and you're the one who made me pull out. I'm not responsible." She rolled her eyes and gave him the finger as she walked towards the door. "
I'm not expecting a very good grade. It became very obivous to me about 1/4 of a way through that I'm a horrible writer. He said to take risks in your writing. The only risky thing I could come up with to use the words "fuck" and "cunt" alot. I guess I was going for realism, as its partly based on my life. That'll be my excuse in any event.
"Where wolf?" "Therewolf."
I'm bored bored bored bored bored bored. Yet, not bored enough to read this fucking book. Fuck this book. It sucks.
The goddamn Seahawks just ruined the next 2 weeks for me. I live just south of Seattle and I really can't handle much more of this "Seahawks Mania" bullshit. Everywhere I go I here or see "Go Hawks". I can't even listen to the fucking radio because some stupid fucker made song about them and its being played CONSTANTLY.
Anyone have a RAZR phone? Yeah, I just got one today. Its fucking great. Clear as a bell, good feel, and I can even play fucking "Splinter Cell" on it. Its a fucking cell phone with the same capabilites as a playstation. I love it.
Someone needs to come camp out on this post with me. I need entertainment.
Is there anything wrong with having to have sex with a midget? I've been pondering this for weeks. I want to fuck a midget. Is it a sign of latent pedophilia? I think its just because my cock would look HUGE in her little tiny hands. But my roomate thinks its fucking weird, and now he thinks I'm a pedophile. Oh well, fuck him. He's gay. VERY GAY. Like, owns mesh tanktops, has a dildo in his nightstand, has a little latin boyfriend kind of gay. Who is he to judge my little person fantasies? I think I just want to be ale to say "Oh, you fucked the drunk chick from the bar? I FUCKED A MIDGET!" Nobody can beat that story. Unless they fucked Timmy the dog-faced boy, or a cyclops or something. Then they win.
Maybe I should cut my classes today and send him an email this evening and say I'm in the hospital. I had to have emergency surgery on my testicles. They attacked each other. Lefty has a concussion and righty broke his arm. I fell down a flight of stairs when it happened. I heard a scream from my crotch, then WHAM, I fell. Yeah, I've put a lot of thought into this.
"Whats the matter Colonel Sanders? Chicken?"
6 and a half hours to the test. I'm fucked.
Here's a Carribean Reef Squid for absolutely no fucking reason.
User Reviews
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-01-24 22:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried duct tape once. But then there was this hooker, she got mouthy. The whole roll was gone, I can't remember what happened.....
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Duct tape, sweetheart, always have some duct tape.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-01-24 13:11:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm I think I could do a road trip right now. That way I'll have time to find parts of my mind along the way. Stupid fucking thing, not staying in the skull. Bad mind.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2006-01-24 04:19:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Male word for spinster is "confirmed bachelor", a polite way to imply gay.
And hey! At least your home team won! Did you get a look at how fast Mile High emptied out after the game? Being a long time Bronco fan combined with the fact that there are 2 local boys playing for Shanahan I had to watch the trainwreck Sunday. Being a former resident of the Puget Sound I found myself rooting for the Hawks as well. At least they didn't let me down. Whereas Denver never showed up.
Read your book - get a good grade and then for spring break you can take another trip down here. I promise no fake potatos! In fact I may promise more than that...
Michelle
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-24 03:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh sweetheart, I am always up for it. You coming here, or am I going to need to get gas? Jesse is still up and we have plenty of green. Rosemary just got dumped, so we might be able to get her in too.
I need to change my pants.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-01-23 23:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, you seem to be having as good a week as I am. I say we have a drunken threesome/orgy/
Always lifts my spirits, you in?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-23 13:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think the entire state of washington has yet to realize that the seahawks suck. and the mariners too, i don't care what people say.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-23 13:07:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey when the fuck are you gonna post the "Ask Beer_Bong" thing? Huh? I didn't send you that tearful and heart felt email for NOTHING!
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-01-23 12:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have to finish (in other words, start) bleak house soon
i know a little person but hes a man. and gay.
hes also taller than me, even though im not going to grow anymore.
maybe i can get disability.
www.sparknotes.com
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I bet you have a chaffed penis from excessive JO.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
A Confederacy of Dunces was excellent.
That little "snippet" contained far too many forced attempts at humor. Try again using NO foul language for a change, just to see if you can do it. You'll be surprised.
-2
+1 only because I know exactly what "(Insert Sports Team here) Mania" is like. I live just north of Indianapolis, and any time the Colts even approach the playoffs, everyone is hopping out of the woodworks with a Peyton Manning jersey on. Until then, they're all sitting at home. This year was the fucking worst. 13-0? Bleh! I couldn't turn on a radio or TV.
God Bless the fucking Steelers.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-23 09:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"roll, roll, roll in the hay"
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus 2 for you. See, look right there, right above this. There is a +2. Its for you.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STOP WATCHING LAKE PLACID.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"I will NOT calm down! This is the second time I've been hit with a severed head and I DON'T LIKE IT!"
+2 for whoever knows what thats from.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, I'm going to attempt to do some reading...
... right after I go get an Egg Mcmuffin.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:57:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to know how that assignment gets marked...
Yeah, me too. I'm fairly certain I'll get a C- just for turning it in. But not much more than that.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 07:01:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's got to be marked on giggles/laughs/pain from ribs.
Ooooh maybe it's the uber scale? -2 die.
That's a Fail my friend.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to know how that assignment gets marked...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:46:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dick does not look like that. Now does it have a beak.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The closest thing I could come up with is "Coot"
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The male equivalent of spinster is 'all your base are belong to I Like Boobs' - or 'Michael Jackson'.
Nice squid, needs more bread crumbs.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I insist you read my post 'whose arm is that?' and then comment on my Alton Towers experience or I shall decamp and go and post vague anecdotes on another post.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Would Jesus wear a rolex?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 06:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would never mock the only person who is actually bored enough to review this.
Once another person shows up, though, flame on!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 05:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 05:57:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
OOGADY BOOGADY FLARGAN SHNITZNER!!!!
Figure that one the fuck out.
---
It sounds like you're mocking my vain hope that Fifa will grant me world cup tickets in Germany.
I do not take kindly to that sir.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 05:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OOGADY BOOGADY FLARGAN SHNITZNER!!!!
Figure that one the fuck out.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 05:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like stains that are really innocent, but look authentic. Yogurt, mayonaise, that sorta thing. Particularly the dubious mark or two on the inside thigh of a trouser that REALLY REALLY were from that yogurt you get with Indian food, but now looks like where your rapidly deflating knob slapped against cloth.
They amuse me.
Once I went to Alton Towers and sat down on a rock outside Maccy Ds. I had not noticed the barbeque sauce that someone had left there. The result - spent the rest of the day walking around with what appeared to be runny shit up my ass. I took the resultant joshing with good humour I thought.
'Ay mate - have you shit yourself then? Nemesis too scary for you eh? he he he'
'Fuck off cock weasel - it's barbeque sauce - look you can erm taste it?'
'Heheehe'
'Cunt'
I've had better days.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-23 05:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That was just meant to be a segway, its in the middle of the story. I needed to have something funny in there, and semen and bongwater was all I could come up with.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 05:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty will be here momentarily I imagine. You mentioned midget sex.
Not so keen on your assignment. Delay your punchline a little - don't try and force a laugh every line. True comedy is in the
timing.