Yep, we're all gonna die pretty soon now. (1882 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.93 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-01-23 10:08:45 EST
I'm concerned. When I first met my landlady, almost three years ago, she seemed nice enough. Her name was Patricia and apart from an unplaceable accent and a weird staccato way of jerking her head when she spoke, she came across as a normal person.
She's not, you know. I've never had this conversation with a normal person:
"Hi Lyn, it's Natasha."
"Natasha?"
"Yes, your landlady? I own your house?"
"......Patricia.....?"
"Oh, Patricia, yes, I wasn't sure which name I'd given you."
Hold up, what? Just like that, as simply as asking about the weather. PatriciaTriciaNatasha was starting to scare me. Normal people don't have multiple names, and they certainly don't forget which name they've put on important legal documents like lease agreements, and they REALLY don't forget which name they gave to a person who's paying them $250 a week.
But, well, she repaints ceilings and fixes flood damage promptly and that's important, so we try not to care too much and only refer to her as PatriciaTriciaNatasha behind her back. The Russian Mafia might be after her, but that's not our problem unless they rock up here..."Ve seek Natasha."
"Sorry, dude, I only know a Patricia. That doesn't sound Russian to me."
"Vell observed. Ve shall be going."
My airconditioner broke on Friday. Anyone in Australia knows what this means, and anyone not in Australia who's ever spent a few weeks slowly evaporating in a desert will know what this means, and everyone else can just imagine because I'm dying and too far gone to explain it to you.
"Hi, I'm sorry I can't take your call. Please leave a message."
"Hi, uhm, PatriciaTri - Patricia, this is Lyn, in Mandurah.... the airconditioner's broken and if you could call me to sort something out, that'd be great. Uhm.. Lyn... my number is - no, you have it, you called me last week, never mind, okay, bye." I'm the last 26 year old woman on earth who can't leave a message properly.
We've spent the weekend living in this fucking sweltering little hellhole, with the kids wandering around and turning on taps and climbing into sinks and the Dutchman strutting around like a fucking peacock exclaiming over and over "I'm amazed at how well I'm dealing with this heat! It's fantastic. I thought I'd really have a problem but blah blah blah I'm a twat and deserve to be killed and eaten shoot me." And I've been lying in front of any window that hints at having a breeze, covered in a wet towel and cradling icepacks to my bosom, sweating gently and wishing I could die.
But the phone rang and after I ascertained that it wasn't, in fact, a hallucination brought on by dehydration, heat exhaustion and loss of vision due to living in the dark for three days, I answered it.
"Hi Lyn, it's Thea."
"Thea?"
"Your landlady...I own your house?"
So PatriciaTriciaNatashaThea has arranged for someone to come and fix it, and they probably speak with a Russian accent and carry violin cases.
Tonight's pop quiz:
Would you give money to someone who doesn't know what their name is?
Would setting the Dutchman on fire be more poetic than putting him in a freezer? Is there an even better way to kill him?
Does a wet T-shirt still count as sexy if it's five sizes too big, and grey? And it's only wet because I've been lying facedown in the bath, whimpering?
(That Dutchman is watching dutch news reports online and chirpily saying "Look how cold it is in Germany! Someone froze to death! Good thing we're here instead!" I'm. Going. To. Fucking. Ruin. His. Shit.)
The verse is by R.L. Stevenson, and is the GIS result for "let me die."
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-16 12:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm. Desert.
I don't much care for the sweltering swampy-hot-moisture of the bay in August, but I don't think I'd care much for the desert either.
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-04-21 17:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY CIRCE!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-21 17:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-24 07:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:30:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should try calling PatriciaTriciaNatashaThea up one day, and address her as, say, Morgan. Or join in on the name changes and call yourself something different every week.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-12 05:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Godless hellhole.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 05:21:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My work has no air conditioning. I don't mind it so much because I have a fan right behind the counter pointing at my face.
What pisses me off more than the heat is the people who come in and say "Wow, it's bloody hot eh?".
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-24 07:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:30:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should try calling PatriciaTriciaNatashaThea up one day, and address her as, say, Morgan. Or join in on the name changes and call yourself something different every week.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-23 23:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Answers to tonights pop quiz:
1). Would you give money to someone who doesn't know what their name is?
I have before.
2).Would setting the Dutchman on fire be more poetic than putting him in a freezer? Is there an even better way to kill him?
You have fire ants there?
3).Does a wet T-shirt still count as sexy if it's five sizes too big, and grey? And it's only wet because I've been lying facedown in the bath, whimpering?
How drunk am I?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-23 22:27:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
I find it really strange that your summer is our winter and vice versa.
Last August Saxon and I were chatting online and plugged in our webcams. I was sitting there fanning myself and drinking ice water and he was bundled up and shivering saying;
"Bugger! It's really fuckin' cold here! Where's my fucking coffee? I'm not grilling tonight, no fucking way; it's too fucking cold! Here, check this out!"
Then he stood up and took all his clothes off to show me his goose bumps.
yup, true story
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-01-23 21:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I almost gave you a -2 for living in Mandurah, because I'm a Perth girl, but I had to give you +3 for being a West Aussie. Why the hell would you want to live in Mandurah?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-23 21:06:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha i like the name game.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Try convincing her that the name she gave you originally was Candy Runt.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that name thing is kinda odd
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-23 16:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, I can just see the Dutchman strutting about like a peacock...AND A FIRMLY TURGID PENOS
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-01-23 15:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
$250 a week?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-01-23 14:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-23 14:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-23 14:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm having 760 tons (metric, even) of Bering Strait ice delivered to your house. It should arrive late Wednesday evening. Unfortunately, I may have instructed them to dump it ON your house, so keep your head up. The sound of the helicopters should be an advanced warning.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2006-01-23 14:02:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-01-23 12:37:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once worked that verse into a story about a TB outbreak in Baltimore, since Stevenson had the disease most of his life. Some guys will do anything for a quote.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-23 12:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poor you.
I was so cold this morning I wasn't concentrating. I reversed my campervan into some woman's car. Don't worry the van is fine. She was all worried about the damage to her year old skoda or something. I should have told her I was called Natasha.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:46:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's cold and drizzly here because GOD Is angry about the Panthers losing to Seattle and has cursed us with their shitty weather.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The prediction :-
Hottest New Year's Day forecast
The Weather Bureau is predicting tomorrow will be the hottest New Year's Day on the Sydney record.
Senior forecaster Chris Webb says on the first day of 1928 it was 38 degrees Celsius in the city, but the bureau is predicting 39 degrees for tomorrow and up to 43 in the west.
"Focusing on the city it looks like we're forecasting a record - forecasting 39 - if we get that high it will be the hottest New Year's Day on record," he said.
He says it should cool down by tomorrow night.
"At this stage we think it'll be a hot, fine day with north to north-westerly winds freshening during the day over most of the Sydney metropolitan area," he said.
"There could be some very weak afternoon, very coastal sea breezes - we're not sure about that but generally freshening north-westerly winds before a gusty southerly change at night - in the evening or at night, but essentially a hot day."
-----------------
The Reality:-
Sydney, Australia has experienced the hottest New Years Day on record, reaching a scorching 44.2 degrees Celsius (111.5 Fahrenheit). It is the second hottest day on record for Sydney, the hottest being 45.3C.
Not sure how hot it was elsewhere in the country because I'm an ignorant asshole.
Luckily I was distracted by one of the worst hangovers in Sphagnum history.
Hangover + ridiculous heat = suicide.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pokey - that's the Flinders Ranges in the background, up north of Western Australia.
There are some incredibly beautiful places in this state.... this picture isn't one of them.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture looks remarkably like West Texas.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
This weather blows even harder than any landlord/lady ever will. At least yours gets stuff fixed in the same decade that you ask them to.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does a wet T-shirt still count as sexy if it's five sizes too big, and grey? And it's only wet because I've been lying facedown in the bath, whimpering?
----
No.
For the rest of it BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Go with fire. It hurts more. There's better ways, but most involve bamboo splinters and the repetitive use of a Toby Keith CD.
2. Depends.
3. Do it.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-23 11:03:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It aint the heat, its the humidity! Oh wait, you're in a desert. I guess it is the heat you wimpy australian criminal.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
" $250 a week. "
For a house?
I have got to move to Oz, even if the heat will kill me.
-Dave
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you knew anything about real winter, you wouldn't complain, trust me.
Here's a sample: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81096
That landlord thing however...very weird
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
when sydney had that insane 45 degree day after new years, i was taking a brisk swim in the chilly southern ocean and laughing at those poor fools: hahahaha, like so.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:49:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
High of 43 here today..... DON'T HURT ME!!!
*Runs away*
__________
*sulky* I hope you fall on your face in the snow and your nipples freeze off.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High of 43 here today..... DON'T HURT ME!!!
*Runs away*
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I recommend moving.
Like, now.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR IS FUNNY YES? IS VEWY FUNNY INDEED!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aussie style shenanigans. Excellent.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its amazing how Circe can make sweating sexy...I mean interesting
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm amazed at how well I'm dealing with this heat! It's fantastic. I thought I'd really have a problem but blah blah blah I'm a twat and deserve to be killed and eaten shoot me."
~~~~
Hahaha! He sounds like the dude in "A Fish Called Wanda," that Nietzsche-spouting fries-up-the-nose alpha ubergoober.
{We went through 3 weeks w/o electicity during Katrina, your story sounds frightfully familiar. I did the bathtub thing too.}
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, for a moron who chose to settle down in the middle of a fucking desert wasteland you sure do complain a lot.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should try calling PatriciaTriciaNatashaThea up one day, and address her as, say, Morgan. Or join in on the name changes and call yourself something different every week.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I vould haff taut anyvne oo speaks like:
..."Ve seek Natasha."
"Vell observed. Ve shall be going."
vould most likely be zee German, but vhat do I no?
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:29:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd
why do the russian mafia have german accents?
______
Because I'm one lazy, lazy bitch, and I was listening to German reporters on Maarten's computer at the time.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vell observed.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's 35 degrees (Farenheit) here today.
Yippee.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
why do the russian mafia have german accents?
as for the dutchman, strap him to a rocket, and fire him into the sun. also, have a recording of yourself timed to play jsut as he reaches the point of combustion and have it say 'hot enough for ya?"
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam 'round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he'd often say in his homely way that "he'd sooner live in hell."
On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka's fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we'd close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn't see;
It wasn't much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.
And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o'erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and "Cap," says he, "I'll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I'm asking that you won't refuse my last request."
Well, he seemed so low that I couldn't say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
"It's the cursed cold, and it's got right hold till I'm chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet 'taint being dead--it's my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you'll cremate my last remains."
A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.
There wasn't a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn't get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: "You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it's up to you to cremate those last remains."
Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows—O God! how I loathed the thing.
And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I'd often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.
Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the "Alice May."
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then "Here," said I, with a sudden cry, "is my cre-ma-tor-eum."
Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared, and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;
And I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.
Then I made a hike, for I didn't like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don't know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.
I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: "I'll just take a peep inside.
I guess he's cooked, and it's time I looked;" . . . then the door I opened wide.
And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: "Please close that door.
It's fine in here, but I greatly fear you'll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it's the first time I've been warm."
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll be wearing the overcoat for a good coupla months yet, so please excuse my lack of sympathy.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola-esque.
Except without the inevitable kafka-esque bewilderment.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:14:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's so cold here...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does a wet T-shirt still count as sexy if it's five sizes too big, and grey? And it's only wet because I've been lying facedown in the bath, whimpering?
--------
I hope so.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-23 10:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you rock at death.