Would Anyone Notice If I Killed My Neighbors? (904 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BadAssJulie (View user info) at 2006-01-23 19:08:58 EST
I live in an apartment complex so I've got a few neighbors. I don't really talk to any of my neighbors but the ones that I've actually talked to more than once (whether voluntarily or not) seem to be very....um...interesting? There's the mother with three kids to my right, the super happy Jesus lady to my left, the guy who's never home next to Jesus Lady, and the weird old lady with the anorexic husband directly in front of me. Now, I've lived here for a few years and I only know the weird lady's name.
For some reason the mother with three kids, we'll call her Jane, now thinks I'm a drug dealer. At first she just thought I was doing speed because I'm an insomniac and sometimes stay up days at a time, I work at night, when I can sleep, I sleep during the day, and I've got some strange friends. I didn't really care about whether or not Jane thought I was an addict or not. At least it kept her and her kids away from me since she thought I might offer her three year old a little speed because hey, what are neighbors for right? What pissed me off is when the cops came to my fucking door after she called them to report the "meth lab" in my apartment.
I'm sorry but how the fuck do you get "my neighbor's running a meth lab in her apartment and she's going to either blow me and my kids up or get my kids hooked on speed" from any of that?
Oh and guess what! The paranoid bitch also told every other person on my block so random people have been coming to my house asking about it. Most of them were asking just to be nosey but not the crazy, old, black lady, Angel, with the anorexic husband. Oh no, she wanted to buy some of my imaginary speed. I guess anorexia isn't her hubby's problem. Anyway, after I explained what happened, Angel started telling me her life story. This lady was high as a kite and her eye was twitching. She kind of freaked me out so I looked for an escape but found none so all I could do was slowly back away. Every step back I took, Angel took two steps forward. Have you ever been so close to someone you don't really know that if you were to stick your tongue out, you'd lick their face? It's fucking creepy. Especially when they're crazy.
"Hey! I want to get your opinion on something. Let me ask you a question!"
I said ok and she started talking about her new job and how she's a nanny for these two spoiled brats who sounded like they needed a good smack in the head and a "shut the hell up and sit down!" After a few minutes, I was wondering when she'd get to the question but Angel continued to ramble on about things that I couldn't understand because they didn't really make sense. All of a sudden she stopped, tilted her head, and stood there for a few minutes like she was waiting for me to answer the question that she never did ask.
"Umm, no?" was all I could come up with. I didn't want to tell her she forgot the actual question because I just wanted to get out of there. When she heard my response to her "question," Angel flipped out!
"You fucking racist cracka! How dare you?! Why you gotta talk about my husband like that? What about my children? Oh lord, it makes me so sad that gotta grow up in a world like this! Why, God, why? You racist cracka!"
A few hours after that whole experience, my Jesus freak neighbor, we'll call her Martha because she looks like a fatter Martha Stewart, knocked on my door. I was already in a bad mood and didn't really feel like dealing with another neighbor. She whipped out her bible and started reading it to me. Then she went on to explain how Jesus could save me and all that bullshit. Martha was just a little too cheery and perky about it which pissed me off even more so I calmly interrupted her and said in my sweetest voice, "You know what dear? Your perkiness really makes me want to punch you in the face." Then I slammed the door on her. Was it harsh? Probably. Do I care? No.
It's been a week and none of my neighbors have talked to me since all this. I really hope it stays that way otherwise I may have to move.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:11:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
As for the one who started your Meth Lab rumor, tell Child Protective Services that you saw her touching them inappropriately.
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BINGO
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell your neighbors to go fuck themselves on a daily basis. They will leave you alone. As for the one who started your Meth Lab rumor, tell Child Protective Services that you saw her touching them inappropriately.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Avals- I've got it set up in my purse now. The cops wouldn't think to look in there for a meth lab, right? Space is tight and I've had a few small fires but I'm making it work.
Kidmc- Thanks but this wasn't an idea. This happened last weekend. I don't really do the whole fiction thing and the posts I do on here are more for me than for anyone else because I think about things that've happened that've left me stunned, confused, annoyed, angry, and everything else much differently when I write about them and re-read what I've written. It sort of opens my mind up to things I may not have seen otherwise I suppose. I know it's odd but whatever.
Jeanneee- Can I actually press charges against her for something like that? I mean I guess in her mind she thought she had good reasons to suspect this so I don't know if you can press charges if she didn't actually know she was lying to the police. I'd feel bad about pressing charges against her anyway since she was only trying to protect her kids. Besides, I don't even know her name. She told me when she first moved in but I don't really talk to my neighbors for obvious reasons. I've got enough problems with my neighbors and I think pressing charges may only make matters worse.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-24 07:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So ... where do you REALLY hide the meth lab?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-24 07:46:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it was Circe who did the 'They're freaks so I went through their garbage to see what they eat' thing last.
This was very good also.
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-24 07:32:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it good idea but could of been better . In my opinion id say Cacth em` & Kill `em he he +1
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-01-24 06:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:21:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird fences make weird neighbors.
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Testify, brother.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sounds like just another lovely day in the neighborhood.
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the fried chicken.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should press charges on that bitch for making a false police report.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kill them, then eat them.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do it anyway.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You need to tap the Martha Stewart-esque neighbor. I heard prison bitches are pretty hot.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So..can I get some meth?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird fences make weird neighbors.
Submitted by Godless_dave (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:15:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not to bad :)
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:14:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm feeling somewhat well-disposed towards my neighbours right now because I locked myself out of the apartment block last trash day, in the pissing rain with nothing on but my dressing gown. I think without them my feet would have fallen off.