Nipples like six-inch roofing bolts and enough pubic hair to stuff a mattress. (3186 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2006-01-23 19:09:44 EST
I tested the light on my eyes by letting them squint open ever so slightly and as soon as my sight registered my surroundings a stabbing pain shot through my head. Snapping my eyelids shut I cursed myself for getting so drunk the night before. I hate hangovers with a passion and hate the fact I will suffer and move about like an old man, moaning and groaning all day.
Rolling onto my back I sighed deeply and listened to the world. Birds where chirping and the noise of the freeway was a dull rumble off in the distance. A dog was barking a few streets over as I swung my legs out of bed and dropped my feet onto the carpeted floor. Reaching for my cigarettes I heard my toilet flush.
What the fuck? I thought as my head swung painfully in that direction.
I live alone and my toilet doesn't usually flush unless I'm the one pushing the button. I was about to jump to my feet to go investigate when a godless apparition appeared in my bedroom doorway.
A large fat semi naked woman stood before me and smiled at me exclaiming "oh your awake" I stood slowly and awkwardly, my mouth opened and closed to try to speak but no words came out. "Does that need some more attention?" she said looking down at my groin. My eyes followed her gaze and I realised I was naked and my dick was on display. Grabbing a sheet off the bed and pulling it around me I stammered, "Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm Carla we met last night and I bought you home, don't you remember?" she said moving toward me. "O-Of course I do" I managed, wracking my memory of large fat women from the previous 8 hours. Of course I didn't know this woman and the realisation I may have had drunken sex with this woman dawned on me with alarm.
She walked toward me and went to throw her arms around me making me jump across the bed exclaiming "NO" a little too loudly causing her brow to furrow with surprise. "You don't remember last night do you?" she said watching me bounce across the bed to the other side. "O-Of course I do" I said moving toward the door "I-I just have to pee is all" I said escaping out the door.
"Ok lover" she called after me "ill slip back into bed and wait for you" she giggled.
Letting the sheet drop from me I inspected my genitals. Oh my god I was wet and sticky and showing definite signs that copulation with a large fat female took place last night. I sat on the toilet and let myself pee as I lit a cigarette, all the while cursing this situation and myself. "Jesus I had to learn to control myself when I got drunk" I thought, "I cant just bring home any female, I have nothing against larger fat women but I have always felt they should be with larger fat men"
Deciding that my best course of action was to march into my bedroom and tell her the truth, I stood and thought it through. I will just tell her that I was drunk last night and am very angry with myself and sorry for misleading her but she would have to leave.
Taking a deep breath I stepped into the doorway of my bedroom and was unprepared for the vision I was met with. She had removed her bra and panties and now lay on her back completely naked. It was at this moment I realised just how unattractive this woman was. She had huge pendulous breasts that lay on the bed, either side of her body like she had given birth too twins that now slept nuzzled at her sides. Each breast was tipped with large brown nipples over an inch long with areolas the size of a teacup and my stomach turned as my gaze moved down over her body. Her stomach was a large expanse of dimpled flabby stretch mark covered flesh and between her thighs was a raised mound covered in a large expanse of thick course pubic hair, thankfully her legs where together.
The bile rose in my throat quickly and I turned and ran toward the toilet as fast as I could and just got my head over the bowl when the first wave of nausea started regurgitating the contents of my stomach. The vomiting started to wane when she appeared beside me asking if I was OK.
Nodding in her direction I realised thankfully that she had slipped her panties on but her breasts where swinging around like dangerous objects threatening to knock over anything in their path. Flushing the toilet I moved to the sink and put my mouth under the running tap to wash the horrid taste from my mouth when I felt a hand squeeze my cock through the sheet I had wrapped around me.
"I know how to make you feel better" she gushed.
The blood drained from my face and I backed away from her holding the sheet to my body, my mind racing, trying to come up with a plan of action. "I-I need a shower," I stammered" turning the shower on.
"What a good idea" she said as her hands went to her panties and pulled them down over her thighs exposing her very bushy groin. Stepping out of her panties she walked toward me grabbing at the sheet I wore saying "I'll wash your back for you". I started to stammer the fact I meant alone as I backed away from the advancing large naked woman and felt water spray on me from the showerhead.
Realising I had stepped into the shower with my retreating I turned to say id rather shower alone when I saw Carla slip on the wet tiles and crash onto me knocking me to the ground. I fell to the floor and felt Carla's weight go limp on top of me. Shaking her I called her name a few times but she didn't answer or register consciousness.
"Oh Jesus she has hit her head and died in my shower" I thought as I manoeuvred from under her. Getting to my feet I turned the shower off and knelt beside the unconscious Carla trying not to panic. Her chest was rising and falling with breathing but nothing would bring her too.
I ran to the phone and dialled the emergency number and explained what had happened, the guy on the other end told me that it might be a little while before he could dispatch an ambulance to me as they were all mobile. He explained that if she was breathing, I should roll her onto her side and make sure her tongue didn't impede her breathing passage and await the arrival of the ambulance.
Getting a large naked woman onto her side was no easy feat and by the time I had accomplished it and was happy she looked comfortable and breathing easy, I was physically drained and my head was pounding. I lay on the lounge to rest and must have fallen asleep, as I was woken some time later by an incessant banging on the door.
"Thank god you're here," I said as I let the ambulance medics into the house. "She is in the bathroom," I said, making them follow me. The bathroom was empty when we entered and I stood staring at the floor uncomprehending. "Fuck, where did she go?" I exclaimed before running into the bedroom to find it as empty as the bathroom.
Carla had vanished and no trace of her could be found in the house, she must have woken up while I was asleep, dressed and left I stood thinking.
"Have you been drinking sir?" the young female ambulance officer said crossing her arms. "No" I blurted out "I um-did last night but I swear there was a large naked woman unconscious on my bathroom floor"
"What was her name?" she enquired further.
"Carla" I blurted out.
"And what is Carla's last name and where does she live?" the male officer chimed in.
"I-um-I, don't know, I woke up this morning and she was here," I said realising my story was just sounding more and more ridiculous as it went on.
"What did she look like?" The female officer said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
Looking the female officer square in the eye as I sat down on my bed, I sighed as I answered "she had nipples like six inch roofing bolts and enough pubic hair to stuff a mattress".
User Reviews
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-06-01 04:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-01 08:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice big arse
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm.mmmmm...good.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-25 14:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay sir, you're at your yearly quota of large fat naked girl stories. Now write something else kickass.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-25 08:14:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good
things so tasty?
-- Homer Simpson
Brush With Greatness
Nipples like six-inch roofing bolts and enough pubic hair to stuff a mattress.
Sounds like an Ex of mine.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-24 19:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LIKE....BIG BUTTS
I CANNOT LIE
THOSE ITTY BITTY BUTTS AINT NEVA GONNA FLY
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:15:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well i haven't been there. i want to know the genetics that go into that waist/hip ratio.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We have all been there.
Unfortunately for me, I am usually the large fat intruder of which you speak.
<sigh>
-Dave
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-24 12:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I pride myself on never "hogging" but it has happened once to my dismay. You should have pissed on her while she was passed out in the shower though. That's the best way to get your revenge and no mess involved.
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have nothing against larger fat women but I have always felt they should be with larger fat men
===================
worth it for this line alone.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:15:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU BASTARD!!!
You told me you loved me
*sobs*
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-24 05:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know, your story sounds totally plausible to me.
Except the disappearing-unconcious-fat-chick part, of course.
Submitted by magical_invisible_torso_man (user info) at 2006-01-24 02:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that sounds all too familiar, thankfully my version was at her house
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2006-01-24 00:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, That really sucks
where the fuck were your friends? I've slapped buddies of mine in the face when they were about to make such horrid misakes
Submitted by SadClown (user info) at 2006-01-23 23:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I have nothing against larger fat women but I have always felt they should be with larger fat men"
Hilarious.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-23 23:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweetie, I just got to thinking......
You've seen a hella lot of naked, unattractive people.
Why is that?
I see a lot but, then again, I work in the medical field.
YOU have no reason.
It's weird, it's like all these people seek you out just to take their clothes off and show you their flesh.
Has this occured to anyone else besides me?
Submitted by StartMeUp (user info) at 2006-01-23 21:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Agentmorneo (user info) at 2006-01-23 21:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Elephantitus anyone?? http://www.raintree-health.co.uk/cgi-bin/getpage.pl?/data/elephantitis.html
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-23 21:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-23 21:19:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:44:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
God all-fucking-mighty.
-----------------
I swear you're a magnet for messes!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-23 21:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate it when people don't comment in a review.
but i couldn't really think of anything witty or interesting to say.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-23 21:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:33:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:59:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
That qualifies as an island.
***
good point...there's gotta be enough fuel in there for a signal fire, and it seems BIG and DEEP enough to keep the wind out....uh, check that....maybe we outa set out the lawn chairs just a little bit further back
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Asswind.... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:46:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah but I'd still hit it.
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You raped my minds eye.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:33:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:59:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
That qualifies as an island.
***
good point...there's gotta be enough fuel in there for a signal fire, and it seems BIG and DEEP enough to keep the wind out....uh, check that....maybe we outa set out the lawn chairs just a little bit further back
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:29:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahaha......soft baked
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:26:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should have your own website with just stories of your
predicaments.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:18:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
every time i'm too drunk to remember the night before i'm too drunk to fuck
i guess that's saved my ass from many a hideous error like this one
fun story.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
always funny
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clearly photoshopped pics
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
every time i'm too drunk to remember the night before i'm too drunk to fuck
i guess that's saved my ass from many a hideous error like this one
fun story.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2006-01-23 20:10:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I sat on the toilet and let myself pee as I lit a cigarette..."
you sit to pee? bitch.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:49:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
if i were ever in a plane crash over water, i'd marry the one on the right
what a floatation device!
_____________________________________________--
Float? That qualifies as an island. Or a small country.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:49:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if i were ever in a plane crash over water, i'd marry the one on the right
what a floatation device!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like someone inadvertently went hoggin'.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:44:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No doggie-style for her. Unless you've got 12 inches. . .
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God all-fucking-mighty.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, that's a wide ass.
Nice work, by the way.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I reckon that's a spherise or perhaps a pinch set to invert in Photoshop however.
Or, as they say, she's eaten a space hopper. I don't think you could help yourself slapping that to see.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I know the feeling. I think I misplaced my vocabulary somewhere between Boston and Augusta on the I-95.
Submitted by Affinity (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Did she eat a spacehopper?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
NSFW but otherwise a gem. I'm docking you a point see?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops sorry bout the NSFW <sigh> its early in the year, i need to get back into the swing of things.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Call the papers, you found sasquach.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Priceless.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-23 19:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
NSFW might have been nice, and there were some careless errors that aren't like you.
I grinned, though.