Ten ways "Operation Iraqi Freedom" is "Just Like Nam" - and CAMWHORE! (798 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Attemptuous (View user info) at 2006-01-24 01:56:17 EST
I've been in Iraq for 20.48 weeks now (not that I'm counting). This place is a total shit hole - and I'm glad that I'll be headed home in a few weeks.
Over and over again, I have heard people compare this war with so many wars in the past. Just the other day my Commanding General gave a speech where he compared this war to the Peloponnesian war - in case you wondered, the sound of crickets could be heard in the background when he mentioned the name Thucydides...the Marines around me just stared back at him with the blank unrecognizing stare of hardened warriors who know nothing except the cold realities of the present conflict....either that, or they just know nothing.
But here we are. In Iraq. The last major combat engagement that our nation was hornswaggled into bears an uncanny resemblance to this one - and for each day that passes, I think to myself, "Man, this is just like Nam!" - or at the very least, this is just like every Vietnam movie I've ever seen...
Attemptuous' Top Ten Vietnam/Iraq Similarities:
In Vietnam, American soldiers had drug induced fits of rage, wherein they destroyed entire villages (ala Full Metal Jacket) - here in Iraq, we have the amazing Xbox games like Conflict: VietNam and HALO 2 where we can experience real warfare from the comfort of our own blast-hardened shelters and offices. Even better, for the feeling of drug induced fits of rage, we pool together our Ritalin and do speedballs with Ritalin and Red Bull...man...Just LIKE NAM!!!
In Vietnam, American soldiers had Vietnamese prostitutes and alcohol to pass the time ("Me love you long time") - here in Iraq, we have the barber shop, where I can go and get my haircut for $3 by a Bangladeshi man who hasn't showered in days (the best part is where he reaches over me to cut the other side of my head, and I get a facefull of armpit musk) and when he's done, he gives me a rub down - scalp, neck, back...I figure, if I drop the guy a Lincoln he'll give me a reach-around underneath my smock.
In Vietnam, American soldiers were not allowed to pursue targets (officially) across the borders into Laos - here in Iraq, I'm not allowed into the female showers (officially) or head facilities.
In Vietnam, American soldiers endured physical maladies such as trench foot, STDs and malaria - here in Iraq, we endure physical maladies such as weight gain, asthma, and STDs - see? Just like Nam!
In Vietnam, Americans back home were inspired to protest against the war by such great names as Jane Fonda - here in Iraq, Americans are inspired to kick back and surf the net for naked pictures of Bridget Fonda.
During Vietnam, many compared the war to a quagmire - here in Iraq, we watch bootlegged copies of Family Guy, featuring everyone's favorite eroticist, Quagmire (giggity giggity!).
For much of the Vietnam war, the nation was led by a hick from Texas - during Iraq...well, ok, I admit...this one is a little too similar - we're led by a hick from Texas.
In Vietnam, it was difficult to know who the enemy was - In Iraq, the enemy is equally difficult to discern...that is, until he blows himself up (can anyone say, "Darwin"?).
The Vietnamese were inspired to fight by some guy named "Ho Chi Minh" - in Iraq, American soldiers are inspired to fight so that they can get back to camp and have sex with the camps "Hoo Chi Mama".
In Vietnam, Americans we allowed to partake of their drug of choice - in Iraq, I've got uber and Starbucks.
User Reviews
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nope - active duty.
Kuwait is pretty nice, though.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-25 18:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, thanks for answering. I was just wondering because of where you are stationed and the time frame in which you were deployed.
My brother is in the National guard and was deployed to camp navistar in kuwait in september of this last year.
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-25 06:34:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-25 01:46:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
what state are you from?
____________________________________________________________
I grew up in Texas, and most recently lived in No. Virginia and DC.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-01-25 01:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what state are you from?
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-25 01:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, just those of us who got screwed.
But you're welcome to join the party!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeezus...is EVERYONE in fucking Iraq now?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me so hoooorny!
Me love you long time! Two dolla sucky-sucky fucky-fucky!
Me love you long time!
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-01-24 13:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woo. nam rules.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2006-01-24 13:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your Iraqi wallpaper.
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-24 11:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-01-24 02:47:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
holy kiefer sutherland...
____________________________________________________________
Seriously? +2 to you for thinking I look like Keifer...
but no reach arounds, please.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-24 11:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn I wish I would've been old enough to fight in the Vietnam war but I wasn't even born when the whole 'Nam thing ended. Drugs, rage, prostitutes, booze, STD's, malaria...... I'd have been all over that! Sounds like good times were had by all.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-24 11:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't forget you get free porn too if you ask certain mags.
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-24 10:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why, yes, that IS 15 lbs of STARBUCKS coffee on the shelf - beans, that it, not ground...
Coffee is what this war is all about!
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1, cause if I'm right, I can see 15 pounds of coffee on that shelf.
+1, I have the same TV
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-24 04:59:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
this has been done before: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
____________________________________________________________________
Shithead.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Starbucks is hard core.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:48:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny cause it's true.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Also in Vietnam teh Hamericans were eventually driven out by the locals leaving a huge unpleasent mess as they retreated....spooky.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:48:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny cause it's true.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Camwhore Auto +2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gung Ho!
That means team work doesn't it?
I bet you have a nickname. I bet you spent ages inventing it too. It wouldn't be Naam if you were called 'Stephens' or something similarly mundane. Go on, let us know. And if worst comes to the worst, don't disavow my notion of army machismo - invent one. DEATH DEALER or some such.
I think mine would be The Laughing Leper. Damn I'd be a kick ass marine. I'd wear ammo across my chest so that any stray bullet would set them all off and I would become a human catherine wheel. That kinda thing.
Grenades - damn grenades have got to be cool. I bet you just LIVE for that moment when your CO shouts 'grenades! There and there!' *vague American gesticulation*
Three Iraqis blown into the air - you exchange high fives. Job well done for The Laughing Leper and The Undertaker.
Actually, that's WWF isn't it?
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Doesn't look so bad.
I could do it.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-01-24 07:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can dig it. I was in 'Nam too. http://www.ubersite.com/m/78475
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-01-24 06:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quagmire
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2006-01-24 05:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why oh why are you doind that to yourself?
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-24 05:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good i liked the part about Halo that was funny +2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-24 05:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit! You have tEh internets in Iraq? Talk about fucking luxury.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-24 04:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this has been done before: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by Affinity (user info) at 2006-01-24 04:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you funny Amelican, I prus 2 you rong time
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2006-01-24 03:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2006-01-24 03:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-24 03:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make Vietnam sound fun.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-01-24 02:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy kiefer sutherland...
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-01-24 02:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking spectacular.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2006-01-24 02:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2