Have a problem? Ask Beer_bong! Vol. 1 (676 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansRating: 1.29 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beer_bong (View user info) at 2006-01-24 08:24:23 EST
First of all, thank you to the hundreds (read: 2) who sent in emails this week. Of course, Beer_bong can't answer them all, but I will try to get to them.
First, lets get some of our simpler questions out of the way.
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2006-01-11 21:01:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
According to my employer - 7 Percent of U.S. Employees Drink on the Job. Should I drink to raise the % ?
Absolutely. I whole-heartedly support drunkeness on the job. It increases morale, and generally makes the day go faster. But do not, I repeat DO NOT, go to Subway for lunch. Sweet onion sauce and tequila do not go well together, trust me.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:46:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
How do I go about reversing a circumcision?
Don't. It's more sanitary, and far more pleasurable. If you still need that feeling, just wear a condom at all times. As a matter of fact, wear three. Same feeling, less fromunda.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-01-11 09:54:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
I feel an itchy sensation under all of my skin. What the flock is going on? Was it the 20 Niacin pills or do I have the HiV?
You're going to die. Sorry 'bout your luck, scooter.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:52:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
How do I get people to stop thinking I'm Urbane's alter?
If you send a picture of chesticles and/or vagina to Beer_bong, I will happily pass on the information to my loyal readers.
And now on to this weeks letter.
Dear Bear Bong,
Hey. How's it going? Okay enough about you, solve my fucking problems.
I have an underage girlfriend, and the other day I was banging her and she made me stop (the bitch!) and told me that she was pregnant. Well after I punched her unconscious and kicked her as hard as I could in the fallopian tubes, I began to wonder.
What does it take to violently abort a baby?
Right now I have her tied up in my basement and haven't given her food for about two days. Her nosy parents keep calling and I keep telling them that "HighVoltage doesn't live at this number anymore." But they keep fucking calling! What do I do?!?! She keeps crying and shit about loving me and wanting to get out. I'm like "NO YOU FUCKING WHORE! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE STERILE!"
I have a crowbar, seven staples, and an M-80. How do I abort this kid?
I love you're column.
Love,
HighVoltage900
First of all, BEER_bong would like to applaud your decision to abort this child. This world is shitty enough without your little fuckstains running around. Second, your girlfriend is lying. There is no way that your sperm could navigate the complex fallopian turnpike. Its like a fucking corn maze down there.
But, just in case, I suggest using the crowbar. Staples won't go through the skin far enough, and an M-80 will cause to much damage, especially if you plan on fucking her afterwards. I'll break down the process for you.
1: Hit her on the back of the head with a crowbar. It won't be too noticable.
2: Insert the flat end into the vaginal opening, take the first left, then a right, then another right, go through the light and then another left after the bend. This will put you in the uterus, unless you turned at the light, then you're in Harlem and you're fucked.
3: Put on some rubber gloves and lay down a tarp. This part may get a little messy.
4: Hook the other end up to a car battery. This will shock the shit out of the entire system, leaving your girlfriend with very little visible damage, but will render the ovaries, uterus and any other lady-parts useless. The body may lose control, so she might shit herself. This is nothing to worry about, thats why I say lay the damn tarp down.
5: Lay her in your bed, pour a little vodka around her and leave a few empty bottles around her. When she wakes up, she won't remember a fucking thing.
6: Create an alibi. I like to say I was at the synagogue. Nobody would ever pretend to be a Jew, so its the perfect crime.
Problem solved.
Thank you all for your support! Keep those letters coming to askbeerbong.at.gmail.com
Until next time, fuck off.
User Reviews
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Gibbo (user info) at 2006-01-24 11:40:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
All I done was type in bored at work on a search engine and now I'm hooked on sick and twisted humor like this
Thankyou google
I'm so glad I could help with the your mental degradation. It brings a warm feeling to the cockles of the heart. Maybe not the cockles, mabye to the sub cockles area.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-24 13:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a crowbar, seven staples, and an M-80. How do I abort this kid?
I love you're column.
Love,
HighVoltage900
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This had me running to the bathroom to laugh my ass off.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-24 13:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe.
Submitted by Gibbo (user info) at 2006-01-24 11:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All I done was type in bored at work on a search engine and now I'm hooked on sick and twisted humor like this
Thankyou google
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-01-24 10:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-24 10:22:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah just for the directions to the uterus.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-24 10:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was funny and better than most posts
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-11 10:52:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
How do I get people to stop thinking I'm Urbane's alter?
--------------------------------
AHA! That's the bunny. I knew she reminded me of someone.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry dude, those people are just fags anyway.
I thought it was funny.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Get the 7 iron and we'll talk about a +2.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:46:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a post with everything!
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're fucking kidding me, right? There is nothing that I could possibly post on this site that anyone would find shocking, short of a picture of my 7-iron in my own urethra. This is meant to be informative. These are real questions, asked by real uberusers. I'm just trying to help people.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Name dropping AUTO +2.
That was funny. Especially the part with HV in it.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Average "Rogaine" Dan did this one already.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
*look of vague disgust*
Look, I know this was supposed to be a shocking bruhaha of hilarity, but it just made me think do we really need to sink to this level of crude humour?
The circumcision thing was funny however
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-01-24 08:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCK DEAR ABBY!