A Look Inside: Whales and Dynamite (with video) (886 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.29 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2006-01-24 14:58:56 EST
A long time ago, I worked for the Oregon State Highway.
I had a normal job. Picking up litter, turning a sign that said "slow" or "stop", and the most time consuming job of getting rid of dead animal carcasses.
Usually, when we came across a carcass it was a deer, squirrel, or a rabbit. Something you could easily pick up, and whip into the forrest for the escaped convicts to eat under cover of folliage... and shrubbery.
Getting rid of animals was my specialty. I always had interesting, and disturbing ways of doing it. Using everything from rocks and hammers, to sometimes... explosives.
One particular afternon on my route, I noticed a foul smell. Usually, I could put any smell, to the correct animal and duration of it's rottitude. However, this time... I was drawing a blank.
Greg, my coworker, sat beside me, "So you really don't know what it is?"
"No, man. I know something is dead, but I can't tell what. It smells like it's coming from the beach..."
We pull the clown carish, 3 wheeled vehicle over and turn on the yellow strobe.
We climb a dune towards the ocean and see a massive beached whale, surrounded by about 20 people. Kids were sliding down the side of it and people were taking pictures.
"Call George," I said to Greg.
Within about 20 minutes, 3 pickup trucks arrived. George's eyes exploded with excitement when he saw what had washed up on his beach. He was a carcass artist, like me.
Later that night George called me to meet up with him at the bar. We had jurisdiction in a very small town. Many of the highway employees had never even been outside of it, including George.
"Well Jon, how do we get rid of this thing?"
I had been waiting for this question since I first smelled Bertha. She was... my Bertha.
"We blow it up with a half ton of dynamite," I snapped.
I pulled out all my mathematical equations and spread them out in front of us. I had figured out approximately how much dynamite it would take to disintegrate this whale. I explained to him the financial benefits of spreading the dead whale over a large area. The cleanup cost would simply be covered by the aquatic birds' healthy appetite for rotten whale blubber. Which I assured him, they would love.
After I showed him how it needed to happen, I looked up, and was greeted by a vacant smile.
"I know where we can get some boom stick," George slammed his beer, "you let me handle the mayor."
After a week of deliberation, the mayor had no choice. The stench terrible, and ours was the only feasible plan given the budget to work with.
The day finally arrived...
I had spent the previous two nights without sleep. I was filled with both excitement to see a whale explode... and a horror of what I had discovered was going to happen. But, it was too late.
Upon arriving at the scene, I greeted George and a couple other co-workers. It was a regular cloudy day, except there was an electricity in the air that could be seen in the eyes of everyone there.
The hole had already been drilled into the whale's center of gravity, and boxes of dynamite were loaded inside. 1/2 ton exactly.
The media was questioning George, but I knew this was the time to find shelter. The pieces of whale blubber flying through the air would be much bigger than I had previously thought.
I'll let you see for yourselves what happened in this project. However, I will not explain it to you. I spent 5 years in therapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome after this day. Also, I've changed my name and moved across the country, avoiding the media.
I needed to share my story with you so that I could finally be free.
I needed to embrace my past and let it be a part of who I am. The guy who destroyed a small beach community using a whale, and a whole fuck-load of dynamite.
whale-mid.mov (3 MB) [application/octet-stream]
User Reviews
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-28 17:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you been in London recently? Only we had a similar occurence (minus the dynamite)
Paul Jennings wrote a short story along these lines
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-01-28 17:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA--YES!
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2006-01-28 16:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good, even though you made it up and found the video online.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-28 16:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont know what the hell is wrong with everybody else here because this was hilarious. I love your writing style.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-01-25 04:05:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure genius. Loved it
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-01-25 01:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That was silly, blowing him up. I found two wright {sp} whales on the beach once at dawn, one was still alive but died, the zoo came and hauled them off for inspection. Good story. {Were you doing community service, in orange coveralls, just wondered.}
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-25 01:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If that actually happened to you...man thats harsh...
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Dear God, I've fallen behind the times in Uberworld.
My life, is now over...
My days from here on out, will now have to be spent doing other things. Perhaps, even getting a life.
NO!!!!!
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How long does it take to fuck a hole in a whale carcass?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i've seen the video before, but the story to go along with it was deeec.
whales exploding are awesome.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't believe your story Napolean Dynamite.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!
(They used WAAAAY to much dynamite.)
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
In order to desecrate something it must first be sacred. A dead body isn't. Don't use words you don't understand. This still wasn't good.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bullshit.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
nice, i hope someone desecrates your dead body with dynamite.
sooner rather than later.
then i hope they run over you with the clown car.
that is all.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:05:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:01:46 (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't watch the movie but I reckon it's the same one that was floating around the internet in 1995.
Retard.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't watch the movie but I reckon it's the same one that was floating around the internet in 1995.
Retard.