Axolotl presents Oldback Mountain, starring Shlongy, in an effort not to be derivative of Orgasmatron and unoriginal, also using Shlongy's name in the title to hitwhore, and lastly trying to see how far out I can stretch the Subject line of my post. It se (1339 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: short_stories
Rating: 1.16 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Axolotl (View user info) at 2006-01-24 15:10:11 EST
Axolotl Presents...
...with the blessing of Orgasmatron...
...with the complete ignorance of Shlongy...
Oldback Mountain
---------------------------
In the hills of east Wyoming
Where the horses wild were roaming
Where the west wind kissed the heather
In the cool Rocky Mountain air
I traveled there some years ago
Coming to the Rocky's slopes, though
There was barely naught but cows there
On the high slopes and pathways fair
By train I came from the Midwest
Finding work at my soul's behest
And I settled on a small ranch
Distant, at Brokeback near Cheyenne
The place was good to me, and dear
My memories I ponder here
As I recall that summer back
When there was love in this great land
The wind caressed the grasses there
Like music in the mountain air
The state I circumspected as
I gazed far along the bright towns
Foreign, strange people caught my eye
Such as a Canadian spy
People dodging draft and parole
On the lam, or insane, the bold
Fugitive and outcast mingled
Society had cast them down
Red-state right-wingers sung their songs
How Bush was right and all else wrong
To the throng of non-liberal
Wyoming girls and gentlemen
No progressive I did see, nor
Tolerance, acceptance for
My latent and burning feelings
That I had buried deep within
I walked therewith to my new home
'Neath Brokeback Mountain. There, no phone
Was set or wired in the ranch
Nor television or the Net
My boss was a grim balding man
He was called by name Average Dan
"Son," he said. "High up in those hills,
Shlongy's the only friend you'll get."
"This is Shlongy, with him you'll roam
The plains," said Dan, feeling his dome
For any lumps or tumors that
Grew on his head for lack of hair
"Greetings, pardner," said the Shlongman
"I'm Shlongy." "I'm Ax," I began
But in my soul feelings did lurk—
Said Average Dan. "Now, get to work!
I don't pay you to be good friends!"
I fell in love with Shlongy there
Though old was he, and quite mature
In both our hearts were feelings pure
As we saddled up for travel
Over the wide Wyoming plains
Though fair, sweet Shlongy, hair uncombed
Was fit for naught but nursing home
We huddled close together as
The low grey clouds began to rain
"Now that we work with each other,"
Said the Shlong. "We'll drink together
And be one another's brother's
In the high Rockies all alone."
"Agreed," said I. "The day was long,"
"Shall I rub your back? Sing a song?"
"I'm cool, I have a book," said Shlong
From his bag he withdrew a tome
"Which one?" I asked, pessimistic
Shlongy: "Electro's Autistic
Adventure. Indeed, though you doubt
You see, it's quite an awesome read."
As night fell, we both settled in
I took a shot of Gordon's Gin
And said, "Shlongy, put down that book,"
In his old eyes one glance I took
We both climbed under the covers
And finally we did the deed
"What the hell!" screamed Shlongy in pain
"Ax, if you dare try that again..."
He tried to crawl away from me
And to escape the sleeping sack
"Argh, Axolotl! Holy crap!
You bastard, I threw out my back!"
"Come on, old-timer," I replied
And started Mounting his Brokeback
He slept a summer by my side
I took his innocence in stride
Though our passionate love was true
Sadly, all good things they must end
We departed as Autumn came
My heart was broken; Shlongy's same
"I'll remember this forever,"
I said. "Goodbye Shlongy, my friend."
I returned to my home and life
And in defeat, I found a wife
In Tigerlilly, lady fair
How she married me, I don't know
It was never consummated
I was often drunk and sated
I could not stop thinking of him
But my marriage's future wasn't grim
Tiger had affairs with Method,
Bart, Spooner, and Badassmofo
Some years passed on, "we" had a kid
Named Tigerlotl, but I hid
Still my feelings for Shlongy true
But one day Tiger said to me:
"Let's go back to Wyoming where
You can get a job out West there!"
And my heart rose at the thought that
I could renew my love with he
"Let's leave young Tiger with her dad,"
Said Tigerlilly. "I'll find Rad—
—or was it Method who conceived
My fertile egg inside my womb?"
I said, "Eggs and sperm? Stall my tears,
I thought storks brought babies for years,
Tigerlotl we will bring out
On our trip West. The Mountain loomed...
At Brokeback Mountain we arrived
'Twas busy like bees in a hive
And Shlongy I embraced
When I got to my old ranchland
Average Dan, our hard-working boss
Had died of too much salads tossed
I introduced my wife to him
And Mistress Fist, HIS wife came in
For Shlongy was the new boss there
Yes indeed, Shlongy was the man
Later when we were both alone
We stood on Shlongy's ranch he owned
I said, "I can't quit you, Shlongy!"
"Neither can I, Ax," Shlongy said
I said, "My feelings cannot keep
Come to my house when Tiger sleeps
Abandon then your Mistress Fist
To frolic in my marriage bed
Shlongy came in dead of night
When the dark moon gave not a light
But Tiger caught us in the bed
At the height of intimacy
With her there too was Mistress Fist
She stared at Shlongy, mighty pissed
She said, "Shlongy, I begin to
Question your masculinity."
We broke down as Brokebacks they viewed
Caught in positions strange and lewd
"You're not as bad as Shandy, though,"
Said Tiger, looking down her nose
"I'm thankful that you have not got
Pictures of your sick money shots,"
As she said that, Shlong erupted
Tiger's words he interrupted
"Wait, I have a camera!" said Fist
With that she snapped a few photos
"We have a secret too, you boys,"
Said Mistress Fist. "Keep down the noise!
This isn't something that the kids
Would want to see...or us, your wives."
Tiger then announced, "We're gay too!
The Mistress Fist and I, us two!
You and Shlongy are not the ones
Only hiding their secret lives."
So we lived there in happiness
Our fruitful lives the stars did bless
With Tiger, Mistress, Shlongy, I
We wished our lives would never end
Both couples switched, we lived in peace
Not regretting our lives back east
We raised young Tigerlotl well
But whenever the heather's smell
Reaches me I think of those days
That summer with Shlongy, my friend
My lover, teacher, and old man
Only with you my life began
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-12 18:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-12 18:35:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT was probably the funniest picture I have ever seen...
---
Haha
I look so nerdy in that picture with my short hair.
I now possess a wild mane of dark, luxurious locks, cascading down my neck.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-12 18:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT was probably the funniest picture I have ever seen...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't know TL as well as I do, toots.
She's probably suckled on more female nips than I have and I set records 1977-1985.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:27:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:32:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. If ONLY I could have a Shlongy and TigerLilly sammitch.
Good show. Auto +2 for portraying me as a slut.
You can. Believe me... All you have to do is ask.
====================================================================
But I don't think Tiger has any lesbianic tendencies.
However, if you stack us up like pancakes, she might be willing.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:32:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. If ONLY I could have a Shlongy and TigerLilly sammitch.
Good show. Auto +2 for portraying me as a slut.
You can. Believe me... All you have to do is ask.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:32:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. If ONLY I could have a Shlongy and TigerLilly sammitch.
--------------------------------------------------
Silly girl.
This must have taken you awhile. Well done.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:32:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. If ONLY I could have a Shlongy and TigerLilly sammitch.
Good show. Auto +2 for portraying me as a slut.
--------
Oh, Mistress Fist, you are so wise. And slutty, did I forget to mention that?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. If ONLY I could have a Shlongy and TigerLilly sammitch.
Good show. Auto +2 for portraying me as a slut.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-25 07:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:17:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
WHAT THE FUCK I'M NOT READING ALL THAT.
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-25 01:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn that was long...+2 good job.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 21:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:54:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
OK...I read HALF of it before my attention wandered...over to a porno site.
I never even wrote college TERM PAPERS as long as this.
Don't any of you work?
+2.
-----------
Work? I work on Sundays, occasionally Saturdays, and holidays, and I'm a student the rest of the week. But thank you, Mr. Shlong. I knew that you would enjoy this.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OK...I read HALF of it before my attention wandered...over to a porno site.
I never even wrote college TERM PAPERS as long as this.
Don't any of you work?
+2.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, now that I rated it - prematurely it appears - I wish that I HAD read it before I gave my rare +2.
But I can't renege now. That would make me a ballsniffer...like the rest of youse.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even have to READ this to know how awesome it probably is.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. you put a lot of work into this.
where do you people find the time?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:23:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, have a +1 for the picture and +1 for your nick (That animal, the Ajolote or Ambystoma mexicanum, along with the Platypus are the wierdest animal of all, IMHO)
----------
Read "The Axolotl" by Julian Cortazar. It explains a lot.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, have a +1 for the picture and +1 for your nick (That animal, the Ajolote or Ambystoma mexicanum, along with the Platypus are the wierdest animal of all, IMHO)
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This post is rated .69.
69?
Coincidence?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Y HELo THAR BUTSEKS?
kekekekekekeke
Attn Ghey Menz
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*weeps*
Well, it's back in the positive.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron: I made sure 8 syllables were in each line, but because of the accents on certain words, that kind of meter scheme didn't work out. I'm not too experienced on professional poetry, but thanks for the input.
---
I'm no pro either. Sometimes syllables will catch on each other and foul lines up. Happens to me all the time.
This was good, though.
Oh yeah...and ATTN GHEY MENZ
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The image has me cracking up. +2 for that alone.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 16:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
To those who gave me negative ratings: True, I see your point. This is very certainly ghey. No one's used Attn: Ghey Menz yet, I'm surprised...it'll come.
Positive: Thank you
Orgasmatron: I made sure 8 syllables were in each line, but because of the accents on certain words, that kind of meter scheme didn't work out. I'm not too experienced on professional poetry, but thanks for the input.
I'll be going back to stories now. Without homosexuality. Or at least, without over homosexuality.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:49:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:36:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm just giving a +2 for the image at the bottom. now that's poetry of the heart.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the hills of east Wyoming
Where the horses wild were roaming
Where the west wind kissed the heather
--------------
Since when did Wyoming have Heather??
I WANT PICS DAMMIT. They are my favorite flowers.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm just giving a +2 for the image at the bottom. now that's poetry of the heart.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for ghey cowboy poetry
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Is it me or does Shlongy look a little like Woody from Cheers? He's almost kind of handsome. If it wasn't for the other photos of him looking like a total sissy.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How can I not +2 this? I got a mention in the title.
If you were going for a steady flow, the meter is definitely off. If not, then no big deal.
I think if you worked with this a bit you could have had the lines dripping into each other - like the two characters' fluids into each other's lovin' holes - and booming at the end with the rhymes.
As such, though, you certainly told a story within the structure you picked, and that's hard enough.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be nice here and +2 you for the effort.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WHAT THE FUCK I'M NOT READING ALL THAT.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:15:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
There's just not enough gay on Uber. That's what Bart wanted all along. Ubersite is secretly a gay love site.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gay.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-24 15:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Axolotl presents Oldback Mountain, starring Shlongy, in an effort not to be derivative of Orgasmatron and unoriginal, also using Shlongy's name in the title to hitwhore, and lastly trying to see how far out I can stretch the Subject line of my post. It seems to be going out for a while...one day I ought to do a post in which it's nothing but capital letters in a long string (oh yeah, you can't do all caps) and see if I can wreck the MRR like that. Anyway, I'll start wrapping things up now so you can actually get to reading my poem.