Lessons Learned (1123 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.51 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stin (View user info) at 2006-01-25 00:04:55 EST
"Why?"
The question ran through her mind as she lay on the floor, her body wracked with sobs. She held her neck, gasping desperately for breath, watching him move to the couch and flick idly through the channels.
"Get up and stop crying. I didn't really hurt you."
Looking up at him, she failed to take comfort in his harsh words. Unable to move, she simply allowed the tears to resume. They flowed not so much from the pain, but the sheer shock and terror of a boundary finally being crossed. Becoming increasingly exasperated with her continued crying, he threw the remote down and loomed tall and menacing over her.
"Fuck this, I'm not sticking around to watch you act like a goddamn baby."
With that, he stepped over her huddled form and stormed from the room.
After making sure he had gone, she picked herself up and slowly moved to the couch so recently vacated by the man she thought she loved. Settling into the soft, familiar covers she couldn't help but wonder how they had reached this point. It seemed that in the blink of an eye she had become someone she didn't recognise; the girl she had vowed never to become. Holding her head in her hands she reflected on the chain of events that had lead to the earth-shattering events of the evening in an attempt to understand.
What had triggered the argument? Something small and petty, no doubt. Certainly nothing to cause such a dramatic change. However it had started, she remembered the argument becoming heated and him threatening for what seemed like the thousandth time to break off their engagement, leave her once again alone. They could work it out, she'd pleaded. The look in his eyes as he'd walked towards the door had been dark, unfathomable. There had been no warmth in his eyes as he'd told her that she was not worth the time or energy for that, and that she was worthless.
It had all happened so quickly and the images came to her thick and fast, jumbled, playing like an unedited movie with the sound up way too loud.
The first push, and her reaction of amazement. Pushing him back, yelling "What's wrong with you?". His surprise. Him spitting in her face and stamping on her foot, cruel laughter playing around his face. Fending him off with her left hand, whilst wiping her face with her left. Him lunging towards her, both hands extended.
She snapped upright, the final assault fresh and raw in her mind.
She saw his hands closing around her throat, lifting her from the ground and pushing her back and against the wall. She could still feel his skin beneath her fingernails from where she'd scratched and clawed at him, desperate to be free. Angrily, she wiped it away, wanting to remove the last vestige of him from herself. She'd felt his grip tighten, seen the world around her begin to blur and dance. Just as she'd lost consciousness, she'd been aware of falling.... And then it had all gone black.
As she'd awakened, she'd become aware that he was shaking her and calling her name. He didn't sound nearly worried enough, she recalled. Realising that she was awake, he had left her on the floor where she'd begun to weep.
She sat motionless on the couch, nothing making sense to her. Realising that there was no sense to be found, she sighed and considered the arrangements that would need to be made now that it was over between them. The line had been crossed, and she could not - would not - put herself through that again. It pained her to know that he had not released her from his grip because of his love for her, but because he didn't want her blood staining his hands. She wished that she could attribute his departure to a sudden attack of conscience, but she knew that it was because her coughing and crying had irritated him.
He would have killed her, had the fear not struck him when it did. What if next time, that fear came too late? She vowed to herself that that moment would never come. Closing the door behind her she stepped out into the cool breeze, and the midnight air had never tasted so sweet.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-27 11:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
An enjoyable read, if a little distressing.
She has two Left hands, right?
"Fending him off with her left hand, whilst wiping her face with her left."
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What I really mean to say is every time I read something like this, it ends up sounding like a script for Lifetime originals. It seems overacted and a bit too liberating for what's going on. It's like those "real life" stories about kids that do well in the Special Olympics that make them look like heroes for not crapping their pants this week. It's not so much a problem with the subject matter at hand, I worded things badly there. It's more of a problem with the flow. It sort of starts with the post hit, then suddenly vague memories of stuff like that, and instantly "I'm free, running down the street without shoes, never to shave my armpits or legs again!" Not believable.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-25 23:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very sad!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Erosion, not liking the subject matter and objectively critiquing the writing itself are not the same thing. It's not that time of the month, either.
But thank you for coming back and voicing your thoughts. I appreciate it, and from everyone else too. Like I said, I'm rusty.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-25 10:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Look, you know my writing is poor so you may wanna ignore this. But I'll try and con crit.
Also note, I can't spell.
Anything.
I only got this far,
"Why?"
The question ran through her mind as she lay on the floor, her body wracked with sobs. She held her neck, gasping desperately for breath, watching him move to the couch and flick idly through the channels.
"Get up and stop crying. I didn't really hurt you."
Looking up at him, she failed to take comfort in his harsh words. Unable to move, she simply allowed the tears to resume. They flowed not so much from the pain, but the sheer shock and terror of a boundary finally being crossed. Becoming increasingly exasperated with her continued crying, he threw the remote down and loomed tall and menacing over her.
"Why? Decent start, shock one word starts have been done to death, but the reason is because they work well, but if the rest isn't up to much, its gonna look very cliched.
Don't, know why but I think using the phrase 'wracked with sobs' doesn't go, and desperately? why desperate? alright shes been choked or hit in the neck or sumin, but desperately doesn't work, she should simply be tryig to get her breath back. And she definately can't be sobbing and gasping desperately at the same time.
I'd have written "Get up. Stop crying, you're not really hurt."
but like I said I'm no Dickens
The next paragraph is more of the same, pauses in the wrong places words and phrases that don't fit with the rest, saturated in cliches.
For example the word saturated in what I've wrote, doesn't go with the style of the rest of it.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, here's the constructive criticism your Aunt Flo decided to bitch about not receiving: Stories about abusive men are tiresome, hence "Save it for Lifetime." All these stories do is claim to women that all men are evil and violent bastards, and they should be ready to run to their gay friend's house, only to find that he isn't really gay, and have sex with him. Oh yeah, and that all straight men hate the gay friend solely for being gay, not because he's a condescending prick.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:10:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good rewrite, barring the double left-hand bit.
I agree with others on the emotions point. I imagine that with an event like that, there are more powerful things going through the subject's mind. I also think there's more power, depth and motivation to the attacker, as well, though I can understand a certain detachment from his point of view. However, if someone chooses to write these types of things from the third person, I feel it's better for the author to be more objective concerning their subjects. Of course, the male is supposed to be villified in this passage. The reader doesn't need any justification of the dude's actions; maybe just more speculation of the "why", like from an introspective POV of the female. Does that make any sense? I worked until 2AM, so I may be more incoherent than usual.
That aside, I read apollo's review ("I pour scorn...") as, "I scour porn". God bless him. I need more coffee.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 08:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hilarity, I'm glad that it worked for you - although I didn't do much better with it in general Uber terms than you did! I didn't want to embellish too much on the thoughts and feelings, because they weren't mine to embellish on. My main aim was to improve the flow and style, and I hope I managed that if not the necessary emotions.
Thanks BigMike, that was useful. I'm horrendously out of practice, and it's almost like I'm learning to write all over again.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-01-25 07:54:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-25 07:21:25 (#)
Ranking: 1
Hilarity, I hope you left that guy double-quick.
Stin, I'd like to give you some critique, but I'm not sure what to say, since this is a rewrite and you're sticking to a certain profile. I don't feel I can say much about this. Though I do think it's improved from the original.
------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, he's gone. I do think I might try writing the other parts of the story though after seeing this because it gave me a really good idea of how it should've been. It got even more interesting after this incident.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-25 07:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more rape.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-25 07:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hilarity, I hope you left that guy double-quick.
Stin, I'd like to give you some critique, but I'm not sure what to say, since this is a rewrite and you're sticking to a certain profile. I don't feel I can say much about this. Though I do think it's improved from the original.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-01-25 07:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you. I had to stop reading it a couple of times to get through it, but thank you. You actually brought tears to my eyes that I thought I had wiped away long ago. I don't know how you knew it, but you knew it and that was the way it was meant to be written.
Submitted by FistSoup (user info) at 2006-01-25 05:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dervel, care to tell me how the joke is supposed to go?
I know that for each joke there are several different ways to tell it.
The way I wrote it was the way it was originally told to me a long time ago.
I'd be interested to hear the "official" version.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-25 05:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Bland. Boring. Basketball.
Use some alliteration or something.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-25 05:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
*impatient clucking of tongue - head shaking at 3 hz*
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-25 05:42:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Look, if you're going to tackle a subject this charged with emotion you need to work more on your expressive language. Is fear really the emotion that would motivate him to stop? Is there a better word perhaps?
Regret, remorse or guilt, or second thoughts.
As it is, I didn't feel any empathy or verstehen with either the victim, or the aggressor.
Sounds emo too.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-01-25 05:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fistsoup, not only is that one of the oldest jokes in the world but you managed to fuck it up.
I'm impressed.
Nice re-write Stink, bar the double left-hand bit.
Submitted by FistSoup (user info) at 2006-01-25 04:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing she hasn't been told TWICE already.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I know how you feel.
Feedback is always nice.
Like earlier, this guy reviewed my post:
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-24 22:01:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Emo Alert.
I really appreciated that feedback.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how can you be helped on uber?
what's the point?
you either have a cliche sensor or you don't.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't read the original so as not to be tainted in any way.
"Him spitting in her face and stamping on her foot, cruel laughter playing around his face. Fending him off with her left hand, whilst wiping her face with her left."
This was unintentional I'm sure, but it broke the rhythm of the story nonetheless because I had to read it three times to make sure I was getting it right.
I want to feel her fury and confusion. This needed development. I love your stuff Stin, but this story could be much more involved and emotional. You are writing about raw emotions without making me fell them. I am not an expert here but I know how I feel when I read, and my feelings for this weren't as intense as the subject matter wanted to be, or needed to be. I guess when I write about any kind of abuse I would like the reader to feel it as well. This is a worthy read, but I wasn't feeling for either her or him.
Hope this helps.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gimme something useful, guys. If you're going to shit on it, fine. But at least give me something I can use.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
too much Patricia Cornwell
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Save it for Lifetime.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:29:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I suck for cliche, and I NEED HELP, dammit!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:28:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sobered up?
i've had one glass of wine.
i can't give useful crit, i don't know how.
i pour scorn, that's my schtick.
don't take it personally i think you're ace.
it's just cliche revolts me in a physical sense.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
it lacks something.
maybe it's too much in her head.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this has been done bef... ah fuck he got me
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How about some useful crit then? When you've sobered up. I know you can do it, and I know I'd appreciate it.
Damn straight I've been in America too long, but I'd better get used to it since I have a green card.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
yep.
it's cack.
a hackneyed rewrite of a tired subject with no inspiration whatsoever.
it's not personal.
look up bellebrowne's version of this kind of tripe if you want to know how to do it properly.
you've been in america too long.
we're not all 'winners'.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Love you too, Jamie.
Even read it?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
it's still shit.
NO ONE CARES.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phew!!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no, no, mine not yours.
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Powerful, Moving, Motivational.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm English, I spell differently. Sorry.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this has been done before: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beaute.
hmm...
spelling not so good.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beate.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-25 00:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a rewrite of this post:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82842
I wrote it because the subject grabbed me, and I thought parts of it had potential. I posted it because it's been so damn long since I tried to write anything that I would appreciate a little validation, or failing that, constructive criticism.