Painful Memories That I Don't Really Remember That Well (1602 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.84 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2006-01-25 09:40:25 EST
--It was a cold, cold night with lots of air inside of it. I wanted to breathe in its principle, to suck in the life and never let it go. Paths of vine and green were painted on the walls of the venusian home and a BOOYAH! There was god, but I couldn't get my mind off of the bears that were advancing on my family. Every three years or so I have to strike a piece of flint into the eyes of their grandfather; a mighty oak built from leftover Oakland Raiders football helmets and delicious rhubarb pie.-- Hezekiah 13:32:6:4
The above paragraph that I've read from the bible makes me think of a girlfriend I had back in the early days of Doritos that weren't outrageously cheesy. She was class, my friends. Tall, sassy, smelled like a drunken python, and she had teeth that could blind a blind man even further into blinditude. Problem being is that the sex was too outstanding. I was sucking on the heavenly tits of life, thinking that would solve all of life's problems, when what I really needed was to have a son in my own narcissistic image to help out with chores around the house.
Three days later I was in possession of my first and only child before you and your brother came along and screwed up my life, also known as Jimothy Wentworth Al-Rosa Madden The Lollipop. We would sing songs by Don Henley during his solo tenure, and this made him come to appreciate African history. With this knowledge of Malcolm X and MLK Junior brewing in his head, my son set out to write the most enigmatic and creative play about killing black people that would be allowed by the FCC at the time.
My girlfriend became jealous of the time I spent with Jimothy. She would make phone calls from the bathroom in the middle of the night and pretend to be Pamela Anderson, hoping to lure me into a deadly trap of lies and hepatitis C. If there's one thing I can't resist, it's venereal diseases with more than two syllables, which is like, all of them except AIDS and crabs. I don't know how she knows that, frankly. I've only talked to her twice in our four-year relationship.
But like I care. Jimothy's play was completely finished, and I had caught a beautiful Chilean sea bass only minutes before the announcement that the school had decided they were going to perform my son's play as the opening act for KISS on their farewell tour version 3.4 or whatever it is they're doing. All was going well in my life, except for my incurable addiction to alcohol......oh sweet....(gulp).....sweett..t.......mmmm.......
yowu know what, fuck youd face. thats' right, yo......I can't do this fake drunk thing. I just can't. Yeah, I know you want it to happen, but it's not going to. Why? I took two swigs of a Sam Adams, and that's supposed to get me buzzed? How about you fill that barrel over by the corner with some 151 and give it to me? Is that going to make me "cool" If I drink hard liquor and large, copious amounts of it? Will that mean that I'm a "real" man, not a "fake" man because any "man" that can't "drink" isn't "man" enough to try to "drown" his "liver"? Now don't read that wrong, you might think I'm advocating thinking for yourself and coming to some sort of realization to the fact that alcohol is worse for your body than heroin and coke mixed with blood, and that's fucking crazy. I'm the guy who wrote a post about legalizing drunk driving, okay? How would there be any children or abortions without it? Yin and Yang, baby.
It's actually the reason why I even have Jimothy. I thought having a kid was a good idea, but my brain kept coming up with reasons against it, like "you don't have any money", or "two people can't live in a janitor's closet for more than a week", you know, the usual. Alcohol gave me the bravado to steal Jimothy from some older lady he was holding hands with, probably his girlfriend for all I know; he's five so I'm sure he's had sex many times before.
But this isn't about how good alcohol is for society and humankind, this is about my son's play re-writing the pages of American history and my relationship with my girlfriend turning to poop. Three hours before the play is scheduled, she breaks up with me for that brash, enigmatic asshole who plays guitar for KISS, Ace Frehley; with his shitty guitar solos and the face-paint, and the thing where his guitar shoots like firecrackers out the head of the guitar? Is this a rock show or am I at the french circus thing with the balancing clowns? Like I even CARE, you know. My son's play went over extremely well and, dare I say, might become the next....what's a play that is relatively successful? Tommy? What the fuck is that about? Pinball? Yeah, OKAY THEN. My son writes a classic about a 75 ft. tall klu klux klan robot that fights against the overpopulation of the earth, and somebody's going to tell me it's comparable to a play about pinball? Whatever.
When my dad called and asked how Jimothy performed in the school play, I told him that my child was eaten by a beautiful baby girl that was birthed in the aisles of the auditorium during intermission. He asked how KISS performed, and I mocked him for thinking I would stick around to watch those geezers continue to sing about partying all night, when their definition of a party now is a game of boggle and a refreshing glass of prune juice.
I drove home afterwards in hopes that I could rake all the leaves in my yard that were still left over from the fall. Alas, the leaves had already migrated south, and I was left with only my 9mm and a case of nutter butter bars to entertain myself with.
With chocolate and weapon in hand, I made a discovery about myself that day...
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN.
User Reviews
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She would make phone calls from the bathroom in the middle of the night and pretend to be Pamela Anderson, hoping to lure me into a deadly trap of lies and hepatitis C. If there's one thing I can't resist, it's venereal diseases with more than two syllables, which is like, all of them except AIDS and crabs. I don't know how she knows that, frankly. I've only talked to her twice in our four-year relationship."
Good stuff.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-25 20:04:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pillow
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
okay.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
please continue with this stuff.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-01-25 14:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-25 14:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Thanks for the links, Dart, they are pretty to look at. I'll be sure to read them when I'm dead, because then I'll have plenty of time!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:44:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tweaking too hard to read all this, but I like you and want to be in your Uberspace club. Here is a +2, please list me as one of your buddies. I'll do the same for you. kthxbye!
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/67391
*hugs*
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:54:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At the bottom of the wiki article there's a list of sites, I haven't been to them all, but who has????
Fuck! The question marks are hanging up on has!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discordianism
The best place to get all the book things online excetera is http://poee.co.uk/web/index.php?PHPSESSID=eb462d549da44cdd18aa57715a86eb65
in the downloads.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tweaking too hard to read all this, but I like you and want to be in your Uberspace club. Here is a +2, please list me as one of your buddies. I'll do the same for you. kthxbye!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:46:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimothy. That is an amazing name for my new goldfish. Or is it a dog?
AHHH
Have you read discordianism yet? Fuck you bladder. GO OUT AND VOTE NO ON THE FIRST PROPOSITION YOU SEE.
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I read that discordian phamplet thing you linked and was really digging it, man. Is there a website where I can tell them that? I already sent out my first random package filled with 1992 fleer football cards. I forget what else I have to do to become a member, way too many drugs this past week? Feel free to call me gall bladder, though I like GLALL as well because when I hear it in my head, it sounds like a retard going "GUHHHHLLAAAHHLLL", and that's what I represent as a person.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you're on, you're ON!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimothy. That is an amazing name for my new goldfish. Or is it a dog?
AHHH
Have you read discordianism yet? Fuck you bladder. GO OUT AND VOTE NO ON THE FIRST PROPOSITION YOU SEE.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:43:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't diss Kiss.
-----------------------------
I already did.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-25 11:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure, I'll jump.
Submitted by A_D_Sweetmeat (user info) at 2006-01-25 11:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-25 11:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-01-25 10:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-25 10:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BOOYAH !
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-25 10:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Random. Silly. Incomprehensible.
WHY DO I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-25 10:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn you're weird.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I got my peanut butter but you sent the monkey back anyway. I guess it's not too much of an inconvenience. Spilled milk, dude... No, I mean he spilled my last cup of milk. AND he doesn't like peanut butter. I can deal with the shitting on the carpet and the whining about shiny dog whistles, but if he gets into my Crown Royal again, I WILL shock him with my cattle prod. I think I'll name him Sokar... and get him a diaper.
Hey, those siamese kittens I sent you... You did kill them, right? Man, they're stuffed to the brim (do kittens have brims?) with heroin and I want you to sell that shit. Or send it back to me.
Give Tina my love.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damnit man.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A play about a 75ft tall klansman that fights robots?
If you produce that play I'll give you money.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the jesus fuck?" Comes to mind. But I always wonder that on your posts.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-25 09:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't diss Kiss.