My Marvelous Day at Yankee Candle (NSFW?) (24629 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: boredatwork
Rating: 1.98 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nitty (View user info) at 2006-01-25 12:03:51 EST
I'd never been to Yankee Candle in January before yesterday.
Nor have I been in February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, or November. My trips to that store generally occur around the 24th of December, when I'm scrambling to find a gift for Aunt Clara since she sent me that wonderful set of pink bunny pajamas when I was nine.
I looked like a pink nightmare. A deranged Easter Bunny, but that's beside the point.
But yesterday I went.
I was going to the mall anyway, and apparently the ad wizards that nestle in the bowels of the Yankee Candle corporate offices felt that I was a good candidate as their target demographic. A few days ago, I'd received a Buy-1-Get-1-Free coupon in the mail. Hooray! Honors and benefits, reap yourselves upon me. Surely I had been hand picked from an enormous group of dozens of qualified candleers.
Plus, it wouldn't hurt lately if my house smelled nice.
I'm in the final stages of weaning the pup off of paper training, yet the funk of newsprint urine lingers every now and again.
Guess how long it takes the water to evaporate in a pot of boiling eggs? About the same amount of time it takes me to forget about the eggs, and to shower, shave, and dress. Walking out of my bedroom I was bitchslapped by the smell that hard boiled eggs make sans water. You can't fry hard boiled eggs whilst they're still in the shell. Write that down.
You ever start on a marathon of laundry, only to get to the last load, fold it, be happy and proud, and then three days later realize there was a load of car washing towels in the wash that you forgot to transfer to the dryer? Whoops.
A candle or two wouldn't hurt while the house had time to air itself out.
I arrived at the mall, and even though I was forced to park roughly 4 miles from the entrance, I thought I caught a vague whiff of White Lilac as I locked my car.
Walking through the entrance, I was sure I smelled the succulent scent of Sweet Pea.
Up the escalators past the food court, there was a definite hint of Sbarro mixed with Sunwashed Linen.
And then I saw the store. The Utopia. The Mecca. The Alpha and the Omega of candles and all things that are scented. I braced my olfactory glands and stepped inside.
Immediately I was attacked by one of the carbon copy June Cleavers in her queer little apron.
"Are you looking for anything special today, sir?"
"Pardon me?"
"Can I help you find anything?"
"What's that?"
"DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?"
"I'm sorry. I think the tsunami of smell in here has clogged my ears. Do you happen to have a Q-tip?"
"Why don't you just come find me if you have any questions!" She snarled as she stomped away. I truly didn't mean to piss her off.
Browsing through the racks and racks of candles, I noticed that the powers that are Yankee Marketing had attemted to broaden their reach over the consumer. Now they have vases. Car air fresheners. Wax burners.
I know another name for a wax burner. It's called a 'candle.'
I had been labeled a 'Problem Customer.' June Cleaver #1 had sent June Cleaver #2 to assist me. This one must have spent a fair amount of time with Eddie Haskill. She was quite polite, but I'm certain that every time I turned my back she was giving me the finger. She was also not a day under 412 years old. Damn me for not being able to be sarcastic to geriatrics.
"What are you looking for, sweetie?"
"Uh, just something that smells good."
"Is it for your house?"
Ummmm. Nice question. How many customers come in, on a daily basis, buying a candle NOT for their house. Do people buy garage candles? Candles for boats? For riding mowers? Gym lockers? Are you kidding?
"No, it's for my sock drawer."
"Well, you might want to think about getting one of our automobile air fresheners instead, since an open flame in a closed drawer might be considered a fire haza-"
"I was only kidding. It's for my house."
"Well then. Follow me." She was beginning to snarl, too. Shit.
"We have these lovely Christmas Scents half off. How about Mistletoe? Christmas Wreath? Jack Frost?"
"I don't think so. First of all, Jack Frost was a completely shit movie. How can Micheal Keaton degrade himself with such a terrible film? Don't you think? My Christmas wreath at the house created a helluva mess when I failed to take it down until mid-January, and the Mistletoe just sounds gay. Do you have anything else?"
"Well, over here we have the Macintosh Apple Scent. It's one of our more popular fragrances."
"I don't think that would work. I had a hard enough time getting a grasp on my PC. I don't want to start over. Plus, the thought of a portion of the proceeds going to line Bill Gates' pocket made me just throw up in my mouth a little. Pardon me." Luckily I was standing right beside the Voluptuous Vurp candle section. I opened a jar, emptied my mouth into it, and we proceeded.
"Here we have a new scent. Milk and Cookies. What do you think?" She asked as she popped the top and held the jar under my nose.
"I smell the cookies. Where is the milk? Does that smell come later? Do you have to buy that seperately?"
"Well, actually it just smells like cookies."
"Then why didn't you just name it 'cookies?'"
"I really couldn't answer that."
"I don't think that's the candle for me. I'm trying to lose weight and I fear it might be too tempting. You understand."
"Here is this month's featured scent. Midsummer's Night."
"I didn't know you sold literary candles! I tell you what, I'm a big fan of Grisham. Do you have The Pelican Brief candle? The Firm candle? How about The Rainmaker?"
"We have Splash of Rain."
"Let's move on."
"Here's a popular Spring scent. It's called Wedding Day."
"Hmmm. Smells like cherries."
"You know, if you burn this one and a White Zinfandel candle at the same time, it smells like busted cherries. That's an employee secret."
"You're shitting me, right?"
"Yes, sweetie."
Old people who make sexual innuendos kick major ass.
But she was getting annoyed.
I was getting annoyed.
This was getting annoying.
"How about this one. It provides a strong, sweet smell. It's called Cinnamon Stick. Smell."
"Snnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiffffffffffffff"
"What do you think?"
"I'm pretty certain my septum just deviated. Can I get a tissue? And for the love of God recap that bastard. You're fogging up the store windows."
And then I saw it.
The perfect candle for me.
It reminds me of awkward youth and refined adulthood.
It reminds me of drunken nights and 5-star meals.
It reminds me of elegant hotels and one specific college bar bathroom.
It reminds me of of pain, pleasure, blood, sweat, and tears.
It's perfect.
Only problem is, for about 5 days a month I can't get it to heat up. It won't light. I try to warm it up, I use different flames, I try it in different rooms, and it just sits there staring at me like I'm an asshole.
But I still love it.
-nitty
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-06-26 05:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-16 15:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the pic looks like a man tucking it in.
Still, quite a good read.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-23 13:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Here's a popular Spring scent. It's called Wedding Day."
"Hmmm. Smells like cherries."
"You know, if you burn this one and a White Zinfandel candle at the same time, it smells like busted cherries. That's an employee secret."
"You're shitting me, right?"
"Yes, sweetie."
=======================================
That's hilarious
---------------
I don't know why Astropath didn't give you a 2.....meh.
Great post, as usual. "Pink Stink", I love it.
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2007-01-11 14:53:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does Pink Stink smell like chicken?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-03-15 23:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Possibly one of the best Uber posts of all time.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-02-23 21:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stryke (user info) at 2006-02-23 21:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Here's a popular Spring scent. It's called Wedding Day."
"Hmmm. Smells like cherries."
amazing. nice work
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-02-23 01:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was delicious.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-09 13:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a kicker of all asses.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-02-05 18:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pink stink
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-02-03 09:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats. About time one of your posts ended up on Bored at Work.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-02 10:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
okay i guess
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Here's a popular Spring scent. It's called Wedding Day."
"Hmmm. Smells like cherries."
"You know, if you burn this one and a White Zinfandel candle at the same time, it smells like busted cherries. That's an employee secret."
"You're shitting me, right?"
"Yes, sweetie."
=======================================
That's hilarious
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-29 22:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-29 05:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 15:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha. You made me laugh, and more than once. Two points.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-28 14:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How can something on B@W be NSFW? That was a close one, you bitch.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-01-28 11:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-28 09:46:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that shit would be the perfect compliment to my "Poon Tang," you know, give you the whole package.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61127
Nicely done.
Hey, aren't you in SC somewhere? How far from Charleston? We need to have a beer one of these days.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2006-01-28 08:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! This actually got me to rate this after a whole month of not rating shit!
Congratulations for B@W, you really deserve it!
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-28 06:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I didn't know you sold literary candles! I tell you what, I'm a big fan of Grisham. Do you have The Pelican Brief candle? The Firm candle? How about The Rainmaker?"
"We have Splash of Rain."
"Let's move on."
___________________________________________
Nice. I laughed, I cried, then I divorced that bitch of a candle.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2006-01-28 05:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read this tomorrow. I only got to your Jean Shepherd reference, but that's good enough for me.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Missed this.
Putting that right now.
-Dave
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well deserved B@W
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, nsfw on B.at.W...that's rare. congrats!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats!
Although, they *do* have a buttercream candle that's just too evil...
Don't ask how I know.
I SAID DON'T ASK!!!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:34:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmm, just right.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
buuuuuuuump
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:23:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was done marvelously.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-01-26 04:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:15:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
YES
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:12:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wish this could make B@W
--------------------------
definitely a B@W nomination...
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-26 01:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-26 01:08:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:15:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
YES
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-26 01:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:15:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
YES
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 23:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just don't know if that is too NSFW for B@W or not, but I hope it makes it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-25 23:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This warrants the ever-elusive "Shamone" rating.
So:
Shamone.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-25 23:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-25 20:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You know, if you burn this one and a White Zinfandel candle at the same time, it smells like busted cherries. That's an employee secret."
"You're shitting me, right?"
"Yes, sweetie."
===================================================
This made me giggle like a little girl
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 20:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2006-01-25 17:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:43:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
I so want that candle
===============================
Just stick a wick in my slit and put me on top of your coffee table.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I so want that candle
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2006-01-25 14:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At X-mas, I had to find this yankee candle that the girl I was seeing had mentioned like a month earlier, and hadn't brought up since. It was nearly fucking impossible to find, and I finally had a friend look in a city 3 hours away, where he found it and brought it up to me when he came home for X-mas. The girl swooned when she opened it.
But I hate entering those stores, the stink is awful, it's like instant sneeze attack.
Good story, and that pic is killer.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2006-01-25 14:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-01-25 14:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I looked like a pink nightmare. A deranged Easter Bunny..."
+2 for A Christmas Story.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Vurps
Submitted by JackalFett (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomality
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thou art demented.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-25 13:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
buahauahauahahauahauaaaaa aha
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if it smells like fish, eat all you wish...if it smells like cologne, leave it alone.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had the good fortune to spend 45 minutes in the Yankee Candle OUTLET last Saturday. Not the store, mind you, the outlet. I didn't see the Pink Stink flavored candle.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See, I'd think men would have the same problem with this candle as I do with the sugar cookie candle. It's false advertising, and would only taunt you with the implication that if you wait just a few minutes, a little slice of heaven will be on the way.
Do they make one in ball sweat scent? It might at least make the porn viewing experience more realistic.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I have that candle!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
boys are gross
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In totally unrelated news, I think I forgot to put last night's leftovers away and they are still on the stove.
I'll tell Sis to bring me a candle.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll go in there when they have "stale sweaty socks" as a scent. Until then, that's what sister-in-laws are for.
"This place stinks. Have a candle. It smells like clean linen. Do you know what that is?"
God love her.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yankee Candle scares me.
The founder of Yankee Candle started it in his basement. He then sold his giant coporation for $500 million years later. He then liked to buy $10,000 suits off of my friend's father (who also sold to Sgt. Slaughter).
Prick. Why can't I make millions doing something stupid? Oh yeah, because I'm stupid. And I ramble.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was done marvelously.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
i love yankee candles.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
YES
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wish this could make B@W
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Youd've gotten a +2 on this most holy of days (B-day)anyway.
But this is for the post even. Good post
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!