Without my crossbow I relied on stationary, computers and colleagues (3874 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 1.96 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-01-25 16:20:08 EST
When the zombies had finished munching on my boss, they left. But if there was one thing cinema had told me about zombies, it was that they would never be happy for long.
And not just the female ones, either. Zombie bites seemed to inject some sort of oestrogen boost into men and women, making them just eat and complain, so I knew those bastards would be back.
When I finished my write-up of the previous incident in the official log (http://www.ubersite.com/m/82578) I started to log off so I could go home, when Bryan from work burst into my office.
"We got a problem, Nath." He said. For some reason he had put his tie around his head and was carrying a toilet seat and an aerosol.
"You mean the zombies or the updates I haven't done yet?"
"The zombies." Bryan sounded exasperated. "You mean you haven't done the updates yet? I gave them to you a month ago."
"Yeah," I reached for an excuse. "The zombies. They stopped me."
"How the hell could zombies stop you?"
"They...hacked me."
"No they didn't. For fuck's sake, Nath."
"Can we just focus for a minute here? Now, why do you have a toilet seat?"
"I was in the toilet when they first attacked, I used whatever I could."
"And the rest of the building?"
"All gone. Out there now, walking with the rest of those dead mother fuckers." Bryan looked towards the window, with an attempt at a mean look on his face.
"Easy there, Hitler." I said. "Those people were our friends and colleagues."
"Even Mark?"
"Fuck no, I'll fight you for the chance to kill zombie Mark." I hated Mark. I wouldn't be surprised if he and his bunch of desk photos of his fuck ugly family caused this whole thing.
There was a crashing coming from the front door, indicating that they had made it inside the building. Bryan and I just looked at each other, which was followed by a mutual nod.
We closed the door behind Bryan, throwing a desk over on its side and pushing it up against the doorway. In the few remaining moments before the impending attack, we ransacked the office looking for anything that might work as weapon. We tipped another desk over half way down the office, and then tipped the last one over at the fair end underneath the window, dropping all the plausible weapons down there behind it.
"You got a crossbow?" Bryan asked, noticing it on the floor.
"No arrows. Long story." I turned back to looking for stuff. Then turned back. "Actually it's not really that long. I tried saving the boss from the zombies and shot him instead. The arrow's still in his leg."
Bryan and I dropped down behind the desk and waited for the oncoming legions of the undead.
"You got a spare tie?" I asked, looking at his currently tied around his head.
"No. Why?"
"I just wouldn't mind having one around my head. Can I use yours?"
"No, I'm using it. You should have worn your own."
"That's not fair. You know I don't wear ties. Come on, share."
"No. Maybe now you'll learn the importance of looking smart for work."
"I'd rather be smart than look it." I turned away grumpily.
"What's that suppose to mean?" But his words were ignored by us both as a banging came on the door, as dozens of hands hit it on the other side.
I reached over to my laptop, which I use to store all my music on, and set it onto all music and random play.
"What are you doing?" Bryan asked.
"Just feel the energy of the metal music." I said, as Soil started belting out the intro to Halo. "It'll help us kick ass."
Before the song had finished the desk blocking the door had shifted most of the way and door was almost all the way open.
"Here we go." I said, as we both jumped to our feet.
"Ahhhh shit!" I heard Bryan scream out.
"What?"
"I banged my head on the window blinds." He said, rubbing his head.
"Twat," I muttered, picking up my first weapons, which was a box really well sharpened pencils, fired with an elastic band.
I was quite impressed with the brittleness of the zombies, as the pens dug in and stayed in, even dropping a few of them on the way.
We got through two more tracks by the time the first zombie had made it to the second table. We were doing bloody well. Then the track we were on came to an end.
There was a moment of silence before the next track would come on, so I prayed for Avenged Sevenfold, or even Slipknot with a bit of energy. You can imagine the disappointment when the Power of Love, by Frankie Goes to Hollywood came on.
"Shit." I dropped down and began playing around with the laptop, trying to put something a bit more appropriate on. I settled for Metallica and jumped back up, straight into the arms of a fucking zombie.
I screamed.
Like a woman.
And then I did a karate chop on the fucking thing. The neck caved into and the body slumped.
"Bet you regret not letting me do karate for you, you fucker." I said to the dead boss, whose legs I could just about see from where I was standing.
I did notice that more and more of the zombies had made it to the second table, so I switched to my closer range weapon, as did Bryan. Standing as far apart as we could, we both started swinging a mouse around by the cable. Sellotaped to them were various other weapons, like snapped CDs and sharp pencils that were too short to fire.
Not as effective as we'd hoped, Bryan let go off his mouse and decided to be a little more heavy handed. The first monitor he threw crashed right down the centre, scattering the zombies in all directions.
I felt like a bit of a pussy.
Not only did Bryan have the tie around his head, he was also throwing computer screens. I was stood there with no head band swinging a mouse like some retard at a fucking IT-geek rodeo. However I was more graceful. Which means I was actually being a bit of a pussy.
But then again it wasn't me who got bit, which just goes to show why ninjas always defeat pirates.
Bryan screamed, punching the zombie who still had its teeth embedded in his arm, but it didn't move. Instead it seemed to dig in deeper. I picked up a monitor and through it at them.
Instead I managed to break Bryan's arm, but it still cleared them away for a moment.
"You okay, dude?" I said.
"I've not got long." Bryan said.
"I know. I just didn't know what else to say."
"Here." Bryan took a deep breath, seeming to find it hard to get any energy. "Take this." He reached up and pulled the tie off from around his head, putting it in my hand. "I hope it brings you more luck than it did me."
"Awesome." I looked at the tie. It looked a bit sweaty, so I just put it in my pocket for the time being.
"Let me save you, Nath." Bryan coughed a bit, a dribble of blood appearing on his cheek. I went to wipe it away, but thought better of it.
"Okay. How?"
"I'm a lost cause now. I know that my life is over. Right now I can feel any humanity that's left in me draining right away. I think I've only got..."
"Yeah you're dying. I know. But how you going to save me, like you said?"
"I will charge through them." Bryan coughed again. "Make a path for you. That's all I can do."
"I could set you on fire, if you want?" I offered, looking down at the can of aerosol that Bryan had first had with him.
"That...that...might work." Bryan panted off, clearly dying. I didn't have much time.
I had a quick check and threw another monitor down the middle, clearing a few more.
After I showered Bryan in the deodorant I lit him up, sending him on his way.
The flaming man charged down the middle, stumbling over tables, clearing a path through the oncoming dead.
While they were distracted by the moron I turned around and opened up the window. Lifting myself up, I climbed out of the window and dropped into the car park.
"Why didn't I think of this before?" I said to myself, looking around for any stray zombies.
The coast being clear I quickly sprinted to my car, dropping the sweaty zombie tie from my pocket. Trying to slide across my car bonnet I kind of stuck in place and fell off and onto the floor.
Giving up on the whole cool thing I climbed in my car and started up the engine, driving away. As I left the car park I saw a whole corridor of fire inside the building.
User Reviews
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-05-26 20:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6i2WRreARo
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 06:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I could set you on fire, if you want?"
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haha thats fucked up
Submitted by emmakwon (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i loved this, very good read
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-23 10:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-17 09:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2007-01-10 17:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass
Submitted by greEn_uGly (user info) at 2007-01-05 02:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best ever
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry. My finger slipped.
Mom.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-04-13 06:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
E ARE YO!! , +2
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-04-08 02:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
adsf indeed.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-08 02:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
adsf
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit that was funny
Submitted by Jai (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
go go zombie bowling alley... can see why this is best ever. great series!
cool zombie game in very much the same vein as this (obvious link whore,sorry)... http://www.deadawaken.com/signup.php?refId=19764
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NINJAS FOREVER MOLE FLUNKIE!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But then again it wasn't me who got bit, which just goes to show why ninjas always defeat pirates.
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You fucking KNOW it!
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-11 00:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great stuff!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-10 23:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you were right. I love it
Submitted by JillTheLass (user info) at 2006-03-05 03:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Has to be +2.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-05 03:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOO
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-05 03:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies destroying an office to the melodic tunes of Frankie Goes to Hollywood. George Romero should take notes
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-01 20:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:41:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
RATE THIS FUCKING POST!!! It deserves more than two reviews.
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Ahahaha. 47 enough for you?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-02-01 11:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-01-25 21:07:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of Shawn of the Dead. Awesome.
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Except for better and funnier of course.
This is cool.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-01-31 10:44:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-30 11:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
""Fuck no, I'll fight you for the chance to kill zombie Mark." I hated Mark. I wouldn't be surprised if he and his bunch of desk photos of his fuck ugly family caused this whole thing.""
Now that's an ugly family.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this series
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just another +2 cuz i read it again and it was still good.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...And another for Soil - Halo. I'm going to see them in a couple of weeks. It's going to kick untold amounts of arse.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the story...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fanfuckingtastic
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:42:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-26 08:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once again, I hate you and wish I had written this.
Submitted by Jogging_Monkey (user info) at 2006-01-26 06:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MORE!
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2006-01-26 06:49:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if it's after dark and yuo have a crossbow, it is still legal to shoot a welshman in the streets of liverpool.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 05:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 05:22:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Minted.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 05:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Minted.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-26 05:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'some retard at a fucking IT-geek rodeo'
Possibly the best imagery yet used on Uber.
Please keep 'em coming.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-26 04:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-25 21:00:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will hunt down and fuck up the car of the first person to break the straight +2 streak
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While I sort of see this as a challenge and I'm tempted to accept, I like this too much to give it anything less than a +2.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-01-26 03:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ahhhh shit!" I heard Bryan scream out.
"What?"
"I banged my head on the window blinds." He said, rubbing his head.
"Twat,"
---
Nath my hairy young friend, you are a legend amongst men
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2006-01-25 22:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't think my reviews count, so don't get too excited
oh yeah, good stuff
Submitted by cdoggown (user info) at 2006-01-25 22:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
me likey very much.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2006-01-25 22:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+3 for the story.
-1 for Avenged Sevenfold. They suck hairy chin balls.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-01-25 22:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
zombies kick ass
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-01-25 21:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of Shawn of the Dead. Awesome.
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-01-25 21:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I will charge through them." Bryan coughed again. "Make a path for you. That's all I can do."
"I could set you on fire, if you want?" I offered, looking down at the can of aerosol that Bryan had first had with him.
This series is hilarious, man.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-25 21:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You got a spare tie?" I asked, looking at his currently tied around his head.
"No. Why?"
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I will hunt down and fuck up the car of the first person to break the straight +2 streak
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-25 20:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-25 20:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-25 19:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking pussy, "I was more graceful".
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-25 19:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it when people die in a clear and concise manner. It's so much moe convenient than the sons of bitches who die ambiguously or dubiously.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-25 18:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, reminds me of Kaos
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-25 18:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
zombies + pc monitors = kick-ass, always
I read the other one but didn't rate it. I'll fix that in a sec.
On a related note, the new Stephen King novel "Cell" supposedly has zombies in it (King-esque zombies, but zombies nonetheless). Seeing as his novels bore me shitless (I like his short stories, though), I'll just wait for the inevitable mini-series movie of it.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-25 18:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn cool
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-25 17:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As I certified Zombie hunter, I approved of this series. HIGH-LARRY-US!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-01-25 17:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality. A rarity on Ubersite these days. Keep it up.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-01-25 17:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LoneWolf (user info) at 2006-01-25 17:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Avenged Sevenfold rocks.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-25 17:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kool. like the cigarrettes from the 80s.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-01-25 17:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TOO RIGHT!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love this series.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you realise Celebrity Big Brother is on?
Submitted by Shifty54 (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Awesome." I looked at the tie. It looked a bit sweaty, so I just put it in my pocket for the time being.
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Killer. I guess now I have to go back and read all your other shit. Goddamnit. Why can't you suck ass?
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am elated that this could turn into a series. I was laughing my ass off hours after reading this last night, and the notion that more could be on the way pleases me. Keep 'em coming!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks dudes. So long as someone enjoys them I'm happy
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RATE THIS FUCKING POST!!! It deserves more than two reviews.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the greatest series of all time.
Fucking classic.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-25 16:30:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was even better than the first one. If you were a woman, I would be honored for you to get me my sammich.