Loss (21 and 22) (569 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.88 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jeveux... (View user info) at 2006-01-25 21:11:36 EST
21
I wake up because my phone is ringing. It is already midday and the sun is beating down on me through the western window. I answer the phone; it is my cousin.
"Jake, how are you man? What you been up to man?" Ouch. His over-eagerness literally hurts my head. I say a silent prayer that my throbbing temples have nothing to do with the dirty needle. "Hi Jeremy," I moan.
"Hey, how are you going?"
"Not bad, what do you want?" I don't want to be cynical but I usually only get calls from Jeremy when him or his buddies want to score some weed. He's the same age as me although mercifully he went to a different school. I saw him at parties from time to time but his parents didn't let him go out much. He tended to behave.
"Aw man, I could be just calling to say hello."
"But you're not."
"Well, no, me and some mates thought we might try some E, are you still selling them?"
"Yea. Come by whenever you want. Call to check I'm in."
"Cool, I'll see you tomorrow."
"And Jeremy."
"Yea?"
"Don't call me this early again."
I hang up before he comes up with an excuse and roll out of bed. I drag myself over to my desk and sit down at the laptop. I do another search on AIDS that reveals nothing new. I make my usual breakfast of bread and peanut butter and I think about Amy as I eat. She looked pretty last night and I want to ask her out but I don't think she'd approve of my hobby. I don't think even I approve of my hobby. I guess I do it for the money and because it gives me a reason to see everyone. By "everyone" I mean those who my mum optimistically refers to as my school friends.
**
22
It is not altogether unusual for Damon to pick up inebriated young women late at night, or early in the morning, but these two draw his particular attention because they seem both younger than usual, and drunker than usual. One is tall and pretty. Her black dress shows off her figure and is presumably quite elegant, but the visual effect is defeated because she is sitting in the gutter holding her black stilettos. The other girl is not unattractive but is wearing a baggy jumper. She is standing up and it is she who hails Damon's taxi.
Damon slows down and pulls up next to the generously sized house; the girls are lucky, he thinks, to have found him. They seem too young to be out so late. The girl with the jumper opens the door and waits for the other one to get in. Black dress girl gets up and walks slowly - there is no rush - over to the door. She gets in, miserable, it seems, and shuffles across for her friend. She doesn't respond to Damon's greeting; her elbows are on her knees and her head in her hands. She is thinking.
As Kat helps Alyssa into the taxi she allows herself the little smile that had been threatening to bubble over the surface ever since Alyssa had privately confirmed what Kat had publicly suspected. Kat gets in after her friend and closes the door with a slam. Finally, she thinks, Alyssa has screwed up. Surely this will end it; this is far worse than flirting and secret phone calls. Kat is happy because she and Alyssa can be best friends again at last. It was never the same with Jake around.
Kat tells the driver the address and then she tells him not to try anything because she knows the best way herself. She doesn't but the taxi driver speaks English with an accent and is old and pervy; Kat does not trust him. For most of the trip she says nothing to her friend until at last she breaks the silence.
"There's no reason for you to tell Jake," She says, "There's no reason for him to know."
Alyssa scoffs. "Yea right," she hisses; her bitterness and sarcasm almost palpable, "because no-one's going to tell him." Kat agrees wholeheartedly with Alyssa, which is why she is secretly happy, but she has a role to play.
"Tell him it was just a kiss - nothing more. He'll forgive you." Until he finds out it was more, at least. "Or you could just forget about him," Kat continues, "Just be happy Alyssa."
Alyssa pretends not to see through Kat's thinly veiled concern. She drops her gaze back to her bare feet and puts her head back in her hands. She is calculating.
**
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80825
Part 2 and 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80892
Part 4 and 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80940
Part 6 and 7: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80994
Part 8 and 9: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81147
Parts 10, 11 and 12: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81168
Parts 13 and 14: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81637
Parts 15 and 16: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81843
Parts 17 and 18: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81989
Parts 19 and 20: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82081
User Reviews
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-12 18:23:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:45:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is getting pretty interesting. I agree with inion, I don't like Kat. What a fake biznitch.
~~~
I LOVE Kat! I hate Alyssa. Freakin' skank.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I demand more.
What if I said please?
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:28:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm seriously jones'n for the rest of the series.....
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, I've read through all of them and held my comments till now. The story is good but at times is poorly executed. Lots of minor spelling/grammar mistakes throughout the whole thing. The more major issue I see with this is that at times it's difficult to determine who is speaking or whose perspective we're getting. I have this problem sometimes too as I tend to write from different perspectives too. I've found that finding a way to distinguish which perspective you are getting as soon as possible will help your readers and make the whole more cohesive.
Another problem I've had is that sometimes the characters feel really hollow. This may just be because some of the posts have been so short or maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.
I like the way that your characters have all these connections to each other. I live in a small town just outside a big one and it's funny to see how almost everyone can find some connection to other people because it is a small community (I'm not from here so I see this from an outsider's perspective).
I like Jake as a character because he feels real most of the time and as a main character it is relatively easy to connect to him and feel interested in what's going to happen to him.
My nonsensical ramblings must come to an end sometime, and maybe my conclusion here will make more sense than my blather above. You've got a good thing going with all the layers in this story, Jake's conflicted nature, and the impending test results. keep weaving.
pay attention to how you phrase things and then how they actually come out, if it sounds fucked up to you it definitely will to your audience.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is getting pretty interesting. I agree with inion, I don't like Kat. What a fake biznitch.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
glad this came out. i don't like kat.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-01-26 08:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only recently realized that both jake stories were about the same jake. haha, i can be a little bit slow. great writing
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-01-26 03:42:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
i won't say WHEN the diagnosis will come but i will say that the focus shifts back to the present-day jake, soon.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-26 07:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Japanese translation:
Maria: Aaahh! Don't do it!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-26 06:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the simple fact that you being an Aussie poster makes this post the most Australian one on Australia Day.
Bad Grammar +2!
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-01-26 03:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i won't say WHEN the diagnosis will come but i will say that the focus shifts back to the present-day jake, soon.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-26 02:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally caught up, This series is great man... keep it comin'!
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-26 01:55:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Will the diagnosis come soon?
Sorry to annoy you, bit's been driving me nuts.