A (sort of) Rant about Spam - SPT (648 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 0.63 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2006-01-26 09:46:09 EST
Aha! You thought I meant the uber-user Spam, didn't you? Nah, it's not him. I unknowingly trashed him long ago on my only Heated post ever: http://www.ubersite.com/m/49044
But I digress.
I don't often get email, seeing as no one loves me, I'm 92.6% dickhead, I work most of the time and I have no life. I rarely even get spam of any type but recently, I've been getting some whacked-out spam emails on the order of one every other day. Normally, I just delete them without ever looking at the body of the message (I just get a good chuckle out of the absurdly stupid subject lines), but I'm feeling especially lonely and isolated this morning, so I figured I'd give my lone spam message a whirl. After reading the email, it became apparent that either spammers aren't even trying anymore, or someone is using code and thinks I'm a member of a sleeper cell that needs to be activated.
It doesn't matter which, really. The point is, for some reason, I got pissed off about this email and felt like doing some skull crackin'. Maybe I was menstruating or something. Wait, I haven't got a womb. I don't even have one on loan <sniffles and cries emo tears><sob>. Anywho, below is the wonderful piece of literature that the good Ms. Randee (if that is indeed "her" real name) took time to send me and brighten my sad, desolate morning. The bracketed comments are pretty close to what I was actually thinking at the time (I'm much wittier in my head... to me).
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SAVE 9O% 0N ALL YOUR SOFTWARES PURCHASE,
DOWNLOAD INSTANTLY fascinate
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Bernadine Randee <hmjc8zmhj.at.gc.net>
Reply-To: Bernadine Randee <hmjc8zmhj.at.gc.net>
To: silvrwolf.at.gmail.com
she development out yours similar. [What the fuck? Similar to what, Yoda with extra chromosomes?]
filled black anybody window? [I'll fill your window black, you babbling twat]
allow companion social bought hard. [I think she's propositioning me here]
companion respect bad, [Companion respect is ALWAYS bad]
being slow bad out companion. [I don't out anyone for being slow or bad, least of all my companion]
gym steps studied respect, [Is she saying she'd respect me more if I worked out and educated myself? Fuck you, cunt. I work my nuts off on a farm in addition to holding two jobs and I've been educating myself, too. Here's a big word for you: Kiss my ass. See?]
sugar pride social letters? [First off, no one calls me sugar, bitch. Secondly, does she mean social letters like, compound phonetic sounds <th> <sh> <ph>, et al?]
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-After the murderous rage subsided (I punted a deaf kitten to get it out of my system. I keep a box of them in the pout-house.), I decided I needed further calming by writing an Uber-esque reply. Well, it's really an equally incoherent and annoying reply with a smattering of Uber-esque vernacular spread within. It made me feel better, no matter how pointless it may be (much like this post).
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Randee Ms. Dear,
Language of English rape you, gook dirty. Male if you are, your genitalia large rock I smash with would like. Said be it must then, Har Har Broken Peener. Buttsecks no lube with like you must. Female if are you really, TIG welder take I possibly to tubes of fallopia. Country your location of anyway overpopulated. -2nami enough obviously not.
Attachment of email not I open will. Phishing and virus of internet scams rampant are. Stupid that not I am. Piss off me speaking-non monkey you do. Left only is to say, derka derka jihad ass on your. Time I thank your for you.
Incerely-Say,
Jerkme
<Microsoft Word only caught four sentence fragments in that whole reply. I blame them for this shit.>
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Needless to say, even as busy as I am these days, I spend way too much time on this site.
I'm interested to see how this turns out. Not really; I know the address most likely doesn't even exist and my reply is already bounced back to my inbox. I worked until 2AM (again), I have a headache and I didn't need to start my day with incoherent bullshit. I do enough of that on my own. I need my coffee now. Good morning, Uber. I love you all. You're my desert island (crowded with 20,000 malcontents and one toilet). [(I overuse parentheses and bracketed thoughts)(it's because I'm insane and I like making your eyes bleed)]
And now a GIS result for "kill all the white people" (screw you, too, Type O Negative):
User Reviews
Submitted by gothica (user info) at 2006-02-12 15:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This one came today and is definitely my favorite.
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UPSET BCOZ OF UR SHORT DlCK? LONGER 2" WITH THIS happened Spam
Lavonne Mae <beakv1ahrkb.at.speed.net>to me
More options 2:28 am (12 hours ago)
being slow not pride slow, immediate carefully explain out tying? allow evening did tying disappoint human?
profession my hard supposedto. principle you explain arms added studied. young young reply thus benefit?
slow edge a across. edge tying she somewhere reply filled. force drew miserable,
promised shining drew. pretty mentioned or.
principle principle promised fire?
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BWAHAHAHA-- Wait... Who told you?
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Susie- That's funny because I think Rollins might be my dad. "Weight" was the only album I ever had that my mom tried to take away from me. Daddy, can you come home now?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This actually made me laugh out loud, really because it reminded me of a funny Henry Rollins bit.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ACTUALLY, I clicked on this hoping it would be about the Hormel meat product.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
TTOM- You're right. I wish someone would write one about me, but I'm horrendously unpopular and smell like 1000 unwashed asses on Tuesdays.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is five cups of coffee too much for one morning? I'm think I'm vibrating now. Damn you, Gevalia! Damn your expensive-ass swill all to hell!
Spam, leave Berty alone or I'll write another post about how much you suck. Or not. I'm lazy today. But I'll threaten it, buddy! Oh yes. I will.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:59:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, there hasnt been a Hate post in a good long time.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BERTY HAS A FUNNY HEAD, EVERYBODY PASS IT ON
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry Silver, it was funny in my head.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:44:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO??
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Jealousy, self-loathing (and by proxy, all I come into contact with, real or perceived), stale peanuts, sexual frustration and/or constipation. With a smidge of mad cow disease.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't make me cry, Berty. I have feelings, damnit!
I'm going to retaliate and bomb all your posts with -2s now. </empty threat>
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO??
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I did notice that, Tim. Google is evil.
On a side note: my reply email was bounced back (of course) but I had a new spam mail in my folder.
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Beatriz Stacia <fao4zd.at.empirenet.com>to me
taught goes the drew prison. development supposedto use. did window fly teach?
parents companion thats, carefully end miserable least speaking companion.
companion nothing arms slow added. love taught side few. supposedto human is.
news young the night did, least thus corner. the fire bought.
gym anything shining happened principle,
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I love this fancy interweb contraption. It's more fun than picking up chicks at family reunions.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Do I get to pick which day? How about a Sunday in May of 2016? Do I get a real crown? Do I have to actually hate him or just act like it? Can I ask any more questions? Why are apartments called apartments when they're all together? Shouldn't they be called togetherments?
+-------------------------------+--++++-+-+-
What the fuck do I care about any of that shite? I've had my fun and that's all that matters.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have you ever noticed, that when your spam folder is empty in gmail, googleads give you countless recipes for spam, the salted ham-like product?
that's not right.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:23:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
"Spam means nothing."
If Spamial was married his wife would get that tattooed on her arse.
Silver, if you do a hate post at Spam then everyone will +2 it and you'll be crowned Ubermeister for a day.
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Do I get to pick which day? How about a Sunday in May of 2016? Do I get a real crown? Do I have to actually hate him or just act like it? Can I ask any more questions? Why are apartments called apartments when they're all together? Shouldn't they be called togetherments?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me chuckle. I didn't even know I could chuckle!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Spam means nothing."
If Spamial was married his wife would get that tattooed on her arse.
Silver, if you do a hate post at Spam then everyone will +2 it and you'll be crowned Ubermeister for a day.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If it was dead, it must've been Tony. I only kick live kittens.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
berty cracks me up.
as does incoherant spam./
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:08:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:05:26 (#)
Ranking: 1
I expected something about the delicious meat like product shipped to the UK. Its like the second of their three food groups.
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In 1940. Now we're much more civilised and eat corned beef.
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That's tribute from Argentina. You'll never take the Falklands Argies!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU SHOULD BE A FIELD GOAL KICKER BECAUSE A DEAD KITTEN JUST HIT THE SIDE OF MY BUILDING, AND THAT WAS EITHER YOU OR TONY DANZA JUST VENTING BECAUSE HIS DAYTIME TALK SHOW IS HORRIBLE.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:12:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn you and your random ratings, Berty! My entire existence and mental stability is measured on consistent ratings from the Uber contingent. That's it. I'm going to kick another kitten now.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:05:26 (#)
Ranking: 1
I expected something about the delicious meat like product shipped to the UK. Its like the second of their three food groups.
------------
In 1940. Now we're much more civilised and eat corned beef.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They were supposed bring you a barrel full of pot, THEN throw you off a dam. Damnit, good goons are hard to find these days (they unionized in 1995).
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I expected something about the delicious meat like product shipped to the UK. Its like the second of their three food groups.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-26 10:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I just got back from the hospital after your "goons" decided that it would be really fucking cool if they threw me off a dam while i'm stuffed into a barrel. You'll be getting a bill in the mail for all the pot i'm going to have to smoke to forget about this.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's better, Berty. I don't think it's very good either, hence the SPT designation.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GLALL - It was you?! I knew it smelled like stale beer and Ohio dirt, but I just didn't do the math. I feel better now (meaning: Run now! Some goons are coming. Sorry, I can't call them off.)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Actually this post wasn't very good.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
random.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was sending that e-mail, I was wondering, "how is he going to take this?"
I'm glad to say you were pretty rational about it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:51:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:48:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Spam is ugly. Spam is detrimental to the site. Spam unjustly skews the ratings of users. Spam means nothing. Really, say it with me: "Spam means nothing." "
This sentance made me cry.
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You are a wicked, wicked man.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor old Spam - he gets so much grief.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-26 09:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good enough