Pen for Hire (SPT) (3160 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.43 on 265 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-01-26 10:22:16 EST
Gonna try something a little different today, given that a) it's Thursday, b) my boss is out today, an c) I'll subsequently be drinking at work for a good part of the day. Could be a success, could be a flop. Could be the stupidest idea this side of using a pistol to scare the hiccups out of someone.
( For more on that: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060125/od_nm/colombia_hiccups_dc_1 )
Anyway, I'm opening up the request lines and will be taking calls throughout the day. Want me to write a poem about something? Let me know, and give me your ideas. Want a sonnet about bald men and their virility? A ballad about Francois Mitterand's porn collection? Up and say so. Anything you want, you got it - I'll slap it together and post it in a review as soon as I'm done.
Lord knows I'll likely be work-free and bored enough throughout this, the last Thursday of the month.
I have no real end for this, so I'll leave you with a picture of a cat in a precarious position.
Viva el Thursday.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-17 18:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
120
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-28 14:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All hail Orgasmatron, Kicker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-01-28 10:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MY CAT DOES THAT!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-28 04:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you do 'penis for hire' next?
I'll review first.
Ladies, et al- the line starts behind me.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-01-27 23:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, it's not poetry.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-27 22:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
O Man, you kick so much ass! I don't know how you can possibly come up with all these poems so quickly. Anyway, thanks for not forgetting mine!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 21:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that poem was fucking awesome orgasmatron.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-27 21:05:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got home a half ah hour ago. Not happy.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 20:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just read that poem. god that was awesome. and that's how i'm starting off my friday night.
million +2s.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 19:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee. That's a good thing to do.
I sit next to this annoying bitch, who does about 1 hour of real work a day, spends 6 hours complaining about all of her work on the phone, and then leaves early.
God damn it, I am going to strangle her with my USB cable one of these days.....
scourge are you STILL at work?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-27 19:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The thing that reall pisses me off about still being here is the fact that my boss left at 2:00 for a hair appointment.
I'm going to pee on her office chair a little I think.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 19:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll have a sandwich in your honor scourge.
Actually I'm lying, I'm gonna have skirt steak. But I'll eat two slices of bread as well so my stomach THINKS it's eaten a sandwich.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-27 18:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could go for a sandwich. I'm still at work, though....
<weeps>
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 18:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:27:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Learn this much from O-man
If you're manly chicks'll know, man,
And you'll get yourself some group play,
That's a tip from me to you.
============================
O-man, this is your best zinger yet. Poor HV.
----
I know!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:26:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've got just the story to tell, too.
Needless to say, someone'll wind up extra crispy at the end.
----
Oh great....I wanted a poem like badassmofo's or something. Well fuck, as long as it's funny I suppose.
+++++++++++++++++++++
And no scourge, you always been mah bitchy bitch on a little bitch leash. Shut the fuck up and make me a sammich bitch.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-27 18:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Learn this much from O-man
If you're manly chicks'll know, man,
And you'll get yourself some group play,
That's a tip from me to you.
===============================
You are such a fucking stud.
I know, man.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, killing off my favorite emo boy in poemetry can only be a good thing.
Hey Voltage, you still my main man-bitch, right?
I missed out on all the sexcapades here. I actually did some work today. Almost three hours worth. Damn, I'm exhausted.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Learn this much from O-man
If you're manly chicks'll know, man,
And you'll get yourself some group play,
That's a tip from me to you.
============================
O-man, this is your best zinger yet. Poor HV.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've got just the story to tell, too.
Needless to say, someone'll wind up extra crispy at the end.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry I was laughing the entire time I read that. I foresaw the end.
Considering all the poems you have put me in already, it's only a matter of time before you do a What's in a name? for me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
St. Swithen's Day was here at last
The months had flown and time had passed,
HighVoltage was prepared to taste
The fruits of his creation.
Soon they came, first one, then two
The slutty girls he'd emailed, who
Were all amused by his admitted
Love of masturbation.
Inion and MistressFist
Were introduced, while Voltage kissed
Leilani on the lips and begged her
To remove all of her clothes.
Soon the girls were stripping, all
Their bottoms dropped their tops did fall
And shortly each and every one
Was nude from head to toe.
"Yes! This four-way's happening!"
Thought Voltage as he felt a zing
Of passion shoot right down his spine
And harden up his wang.
Then the girls all started frenching,
Tongues entwining, hands caressing
Well-proportioned bodies of which
Angels often sang.
MistressFist lay down and let
Leilani lick her slit, so wet
While Inion brought dildos out
And lay them on the ground.
Voltage sat and watched the show
Looked on as Mistress' cameltoe
Was split by ribbed and beaded phallus
Purring out its sound.
Inion sat on a toy
She rocked, up-down, with lust and joy
While Leila grabbed the other half
Of Fist's two-ended dick.
Then she rocked back on her heels
The toyhead entered, made her squeal
And then the chicks were writhing, moaning
Sweaty, flushed and slick.
Voltage was shocked and appalled
"Don't you girls want to get balled?"
The women just ignored him as
They came in quick succession.
One, then two, then three they came
They shouted out each other's names,
Then each withdrew an anal plug
And shoved it in their butts.
Quite enthralled with stimulation
Each ignored High's new frustration,
No words could he think to speak
And so his mouth stay shut.
"Fuck this noise! I'm outta here!"
He said, and shed a single tear
He gathered up his clothes and dressed
And left without a word.
As the door closed MistressFist
Opened both her eyes and whispered
"Girls I think he's gone, let's stop
And wait for our fuckbuddy."
Minutes ticked and seconds passed
The door it opened up at last
Orgasmatron walked in, bare-chested
Rugged, rough and ruddy.
"Girls, you started up already"
"Just to get us slick and sweaty,
O-Man you're the king, let's rock
Our bodies left and right."
So they went about the deed
They each received his love and seed
No one was neglected and they
Played all through the night.
Fellas if you're gonna plan
A four-way, you must be the man,
Learn this much from Voltage:
Don't bite off more that you'll chew.
Learn this much from O-man
If you're manly chicks'll know, man,
And you'll get yourself some group play,
That's a tip from me to you.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HV, we'll talk about it on monday. cause now i'm goin HOME!!!!1
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about this, if you tell me how to do a pic (GAH! I KNOW! I KNOW! But I fucked up last time and linked it to a pic on Photo Bucket) I will also do a camwhore. But only if you do one.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:13:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Leilani can join...
If we get a camwhore of her in her next post.
----
we'll see, we'll see. i'm really too shy to post my picture on the intarweb.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:13:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Leilani can join...
If we get a camwhore of her in her next post.
==============
MMMMM....LEILANILICIOUS!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Leilani can join...
If we get a camwhore of her in her next post.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok how about some L
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first couple of times people started refering to me as HV I thought it said HIV
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that sounds like a whole new breed of aids.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MF you don't compete with her, you join her. A little MF/SD on HV action.
Yea boy.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:05:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:02:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
PS. That was great MF. Almost as good as Susie Derkins.
=============
I simply cannot compete with a middle aged woman. She has PWNED me.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS. That was great MF. Almost as good as Susie Derkins.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:55:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Men may have the penis, true, but Mistress has the power.
===================================
Fine work.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have now gotten laid twice in O-man's poems.
I am a P-I-M-P bitchs.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't even know what that means.
I am SO tired of seeing this dude's pantsless, on-the-pot legs on my screen. And that damn, damn cat.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
MistressFist and Voltage took a tumble in the sack
Voltage moaned as Mistress ran her nails along his back
Drawing blood - that savage slut - Miss Fist licked her red fingers
Then she dropped down to her knees and gobbled Voltage's dinger
Voltage rolled his eyes back, sighed out "Jeebus, this is bliss!"
Then he lost his focus and he accidentally pissed
Spitting out his waste Miss Fist said "I just like it on my skin!"
Then she closed her mouth and let his pee run down her chin
Voltage bent her over and he slid up deep inside
Holding herself up she arched her back, enjoyed the ride
She felt something cool and flat slide on her bouncing rump
Voltage laid a magazine and read it while he humped
"Hey, I'm bored, let's see you work my meatus like a slave
Give me that great sex that your words have made me crave"
MistressFist spun round and yet she kept him deep inside
"You gone done it now, my man, I'm gonna tan your hide"
Mistress bucked and slammed her pinkish bits around his mule
Till his knees blew out and he was broken, forced to drool
Still she rode, incessently, and drove him through the floor
Grinding violent circles on his hips, "You still want more?"
She asked him and he nodded no while sobbing quietly
Quickly then she stood up off him, squatted 'gain to pee
Voltage, unprotected, got his first true golden shower.
Men may have the penis, true, but Mistress has the power.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:47:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I might be 26, but I fuck like I'm 80 and out of metamucil.
What?
==============================
Propel Fitness Water on my monitor now. Thanks.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.........
MF, that may be the single most erotic thing I have ever heard.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I might be 26, but I fuck like I'm 80 and out of metamucil.
What?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Licious that's what women are supposed to do.
Suck and fuck.
PS. I'm on my way over.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:43:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:37:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
26? Oh yeah.... *remembers MF's TMI*
....You're too young then.
====================================
I'm 32. But I suck in bed. (tee hee)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
26? Oh yeah.... *remembers MF's TMI*
....You're too young then.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:37:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:25:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:18:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:03:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:58:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was 16 i hooked up with a guy who was 32. i thought it was fabulous that he was exactly twice my age.
=============
We have a lot in common.
---
no s3xx00rrs there though.... something i'm glad about now!
=================
Then we do not have a lot in common. LOL.
----
MF, you would be glad too. this dude was living proof that not everyone improves with age. one of the worst EVAR :)
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:28:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it it's been a month since I have gotten anything, I've been too busy.
I'm serious MF, if you and your husband ever go on the outs, I'm visiting. You prove to me 30+ is where it's at.
===========================================
Fuck you, I'm only 26!
<smiles>
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it it's been a month since I have gotten anything, I've been too busy.
I'm serious MF, if you and your husband ever go on the outs, I'm visiting. You prove to me 30+ is where it's at.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:12:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
If they're old enough for diapers, they're good in my book.
That's why I only tend to bang toddlers and the elderly.
===========
They don't struggle as much. Good strategy. But both types have that retard strength going on.
Have you ever been bitten by a psycho old lady in the geri ward of a mental hospital?
It's good times, I guarantee that.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:18:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:03:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:58:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was 16 i hooked up with a guy who was 32. i thought it was fabulous that he was exactly twice my age.
=============
We have a lot in common.
---
no s3xx00rrs there though.... something i'm glad about now!
=================
Then we do not have a lot in common. LOL.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:03:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:58:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was 16 i hooked up with a guy who was 32. i thought it was fabulous that he was exactly twice my age.
=============
We have a lot in common.
---
no s3xx00rrs there though.... something i'm glad about now!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy living fuck. I am about to kill the women around me.... QUIT FUCKING BABBLING ON YOUR GOD DAMN PHONE AND WORK QUIETLY FOR TWO MOTHER FUCKING SECONDS SO I CAN SHIT OUT A CONTRACT AND BILL MY MOTHER FUCKING CLIENT!!!!
*pant pant pant*
I feel a post coming on.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If they're old enough for diapers, they're good in my book.
That's why I only tend to bang toddlers and the elderly.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee. If they are old enough to bleed, they are old enough to breed.
Alternately, if they are old enough to pee, that's good enough for me!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's an actual exchange between my dad and his co-worker:
CW - Hey, that's a cute picture of your daughter!
Daddy-O - She's not my daughter...
CW - Oh, sorry. My fault. I meant to say it's a beautiful picture of your granddaughter
=======================
Now that is fucking funny.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ok so your dad's a dirty old man and you're just one in training trying to learn from your girlfriend about preying on the young'uns.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fist - she has fake tits (which, thanks to the inability of my father's to pull the risque shots out of their digital camera slideshow, I've seen), a chin smaller than Eric Clapton's, and may have butt implants (unconfirmed).
She's not unattractive, but I don't think she's a knockout.
Here's an actual exchange between my dad and his co-worker:
CW - Hey, that's a cute picture of your daughter!
Daddy-O - She's not my daughter...
CW - Oh, sorry. My fault. I meant to say it's a beautiful picture of your granddaughter.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:58:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was 16 i hooked up with a guy who was 32. i thought it was fabulous that he was exactly twice my age.
=============
We have a lot in common.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
just so you know o, i keep thinking those are your feet, and then i think those are really manly feet, and then i think wait that's not him dumbass.
write a poem about how being this bored at work is damaging to cerebral function especially in your twenties and how this will later affect future performance.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was 16 i hooked up with a guy who was 32. i thought it was fabulous that he was exactly twice my age.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:42:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
My dad's married to a woman who's 25. He's 53.
I can't even be like him yet, because any appropriately age-gapped 'younger woman' hasn't even been born yet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:41:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
how bout i just ask my cousin? she's 25, her hus is 42.
===========================================================================
All of these people you speak of are the RoX00r.
Orgasmo, is she fucking HOT!? That's great. I love it!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ay speek wif gud gramerr. i'm looking at my typos and making my own head hurt.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i hope you hunt for that younger women when you're his age and not immediately after birth. good luck getting young nani.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My dad's married to a woman who's 25. He's 53.
I can't even be like him yet, because any appropriately age-gapped 'younger woman' hasn't even been born yet.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
how bout i just ask my cousin? she's 25, her hus is 42.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:38:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
==============
fuck him and post about it.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well didn't say anything was wrong with it. just saying far bigger age difference between hv and a 32 yr old and you and your gf. there's a guy here that hits on me, and actually sadly asked me out so i feel bad for him, and i'm closer in age to his 5 yr old daughter than i am to him and i'd probably do him if i didn't have to see him every day.
closing the generation gaps i suppose.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:36:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's not my ass!
but i do have kind of a badonkadonk. i just wouldn't post naked pics of it on uber.
i must be one of those rap guys' girlfriends. But, who understands those RAP guys anyway!?!?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:26:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah but that's only like 6 years older than you o. if hv goes for 32 that's 6 years short of being twice is age. big dif. that's like you fucking a 40 yr old ya know?
===============
What is wrong with fucking 40 year olds? My hubby is knocking on the pre 40 door.
Plus Shlongy is like 40 or so. He's a dynamite lay. I'm quite sure his wife is too.
<waiting 2.2 seconds for his obligatory "I love you, whore" response>
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:33:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine, fine. My submissive's 43.
How about that?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:23:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:20:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
No shit O-man. But still I can imagine it's her. And are you saying that pic, regardless of whether it is leliani or not, is not jack-worthy?
----
Oh it's spanktastic...agreed. Just making sure you knew it wasn't here.
---
*sigh* Yeah I know...I just...wanted so hard to believe it was real....
I need a cupcake now. I'm depressed....
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah but that's only like 6 years older than you o. if hv goes for 32 that's 6 years short of being twice is age. big dif. that's like you fucking a 40 yr old ya know?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:21:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I did have a 33 year old woman suggest at my last job. But I refuse to cheat on my girlfriend. C'est la vie.
===================
Good for you. But if you are ever girlfriendless, give it a try.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:57:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would hate to have numbers in my title descern what level I'm at.
"So what do you do HighVoltage?"
"Well my business card says Analyst....9!"
".......Okay."
"..........I don't think you understand. 9! I'm fucking god!"
"It's just a 9."
"*sigh* I know...."
===============================
Yep- It's as anticlimactic in reality as it sounds..but it only goes as high as '2' before I get promoted again and they're forced to give me a new title. I can't wait for that, it'll be sweet. But one of the best things about my job is I need no business cards- I don't have to deal with the public AT ALL (all my customers are internal), which after over 10 years in some aspect of Customer Service is better than any title.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:20:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
No shit O-man. But still I can imagine it's her. And are you saying that pic, regardless of whether it is leliani or not, is not jack-worthy?
----
Oh it's spanktastic...agreed. Just making sure you knew it wasn't here.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:19:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:16:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well...when I was 14 I had an....experience with a 24 year old girl. I think that shaped my view of sex. I got steadily younger after that.
===============
24 is too young. Go for older. Seriously. Like 30 or older.
------
Good recommendation. Ms. Orgasmatron is 32. Ka-POW.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did have a 33 year old woman suggest at my last job. But I refuse to cheat on my girlfriend. C'est la vie.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:20:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No shit O-man. But still I can imagine it's her. And are you saying that pic, regardless of whether it is leliani or not, is not jack-worthy?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:16:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well...when I was 14 I had an....experience with a 24 year old girl. I think that shaped my view of sex. I got steadily younger after that.
===============
24 is too young. Go for older. Seriously. Like 30 or older.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know that's not her, HV, right?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well...when I was 14 I had an....experience with a 24 year old girl. I think that shaped my view of sex. I got steadily younger after that.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah but awesome big ass.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no doubt HV that when you hit 30, you'll be packin' some mad skillz to go along with that "me can love you long time" ability.
The virgin thing is appealing, I agree. When it's women. I've been with 1 virgin guy, and it sucked BIG TIME.
I'm going to let you in on some fuck wisdom. Every man should try fucking an older woman once. Every woman should try to fuck an older man once. It is no accident that all of my lovers have been at least a few years older than me, except my first. He was my HS sweetcock, er... sweetheart.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80234
I jacked off SO hard to this pic.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:39:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
write a poem about my enormous ass
How about enormous asses in general?
Maybe I'll do a leilani-specific one later. I've never seen it, so I can't really applaud its greatness properly. *cough*camwhore?*cough*
Guys, you've got your women with petite sized jeans so small
Zero waistline jeans that they buy at the shopping mall
They may be your style but on my list they'd come up last
Me? I like the beauty of a big white booming ass.
Take them pants off girl - let me see your cheeks hang free,
Hike that thong up high and smack your buttflaps 'round for me,
Ooh, that floss is tempting, babe, it's hiding both your holes
But I'm still content to watch the jigglin' of your rolls.
Man, you got a baker's dozen back there in that butt
Slide them skivvies down, babe, and close your legs together, shut
Yeah, that's it, now grab your ankles - make that ass get tight,
Shit, dog! See that skin stretch out! This booty's dynamite!
Big-ass girls are quite divine, there's more there for the doin'
Dunk-a-dunks so wide and thick for me to shoot my goo in,
Don't you know that fat-backed girls are the best at anal play?
Try it with a skinny girl - she'll rip and bleed....no way.
Spread those flaps now, honey, let my tongue and fingers poke
Soon I'll free my cockfiend and inside your ass he'll poke
I can't wait to hold you by your rolls and pull you back
Holding you against me as I empty my nutsack.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:02:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:45:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
And I'm sorry hun. When you're 30 you get tired and lose the muscle mass to go for long periods of time. Seriously beat my record of most times, we will even extend your alloted time to do it. 7 times in one day. Each time lasting more than 45 minutes of non-stop sex.
Bring it beyotch.
==========================
Look HV, you're one of my favs here and I'm just fucking with you, really.
Just because you can fuck like a jackrabbit with an ass full of dynamite does not means that it is GOOD sex. It just means you can fuck a lot.
The BEST sex I've ever has has been with men who are AT LEAST 10 years older than me. The bext sex EVAR was with a guy 13 years older than me. Granted I was 10 and he was 23....
Not really I was 22 he was 35. Dynamite!
It's the mad skillz you get when you are older and have been fucking longer.
-----
MF don't worry about it. Yesterday a guy made a crack about a topic that if you met me in real life, I would stab you. But I didn't even flinch. I'm just trying to get crazy sex stories from people.
I have to say, older women do give the best sex. Younger girls who are inexperienced (VIRGINS!) have a certain energy I enjoy, but older woman have class.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:02:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:45:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
And I'm sorry hun. When you're 30 you get tired and lose the muscle mass to go for long periods of time. Seriously beat my record of most times, we will even extend your alloted time to do it. 7 times in one day. Each time lasting more than 45 minutes of non-stop sex.
Bring it beyotch.
==========================
Look HV, you're one of my favs here and I'm just fucking with you, really.
Just because you can fuck like a jackrabbit with an ass full of dynamite does not means that it is GOOD sex. It just means you can fuck a lot.
The BEST sex I've ever has has been with men who are AT LEAST 10 years older than me. The bext sex EVAR was with a guy 13 years older than me. Granted I was 10 and he was 23....
Not really I was 22 he was 35. Dynamite!
It's the mad skillz you get when you are older and have been fucking longer.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't say they couldn't cum. i said they couldn't cum anything, as in jizz. it's like the hose is open but the well was drained kinda deal.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would hate to have numbers in my title descern what level I'm at.
"So what do you do HighVoltage?"
"Well my business card says Analyst....9!"
".......Okay."
"..........I don't think you understand. 9! I'm fucking god!"
"It's just a 9."
"*sigh* I know...."
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:54:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:49:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
*high fives Licious*
Good for you. So now you are what? Assisant Vice-Duke of Departmental Financing?
================================
Thanks! I wish. Not even close to that cool. It's the lamest title change EVAR. I go from an blah blah blah analyst '1' to a '2', & get 3 letters added to my title. My informal titles of 'Jr. Firebuster', and 'spaz' are more flattering, really.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't say that we can't. It just begins to hurt cause there is next to nothing there.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
errr when i was 19 i had sex for 11 hours out of one day. dunno how many times. ya know after like three or four guys can't cum anything any more.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*high fives Licious*
Good for you. So now you are what? Assisant Vice-Duke of Departmental Financing?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:48:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i knew i loved you mistress.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fisty is droppin' science like Galilieo dropped a' orange.
WOO I JUST GOT PROMOTED, WRITE A POEM ABOUT MY AWESOME.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:37:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:20:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say, my girlfriend literally used the words "Sex god" to me.
She was looking at another guy at the time...but she SAID IT TO ME!! IT WAS ABOUT ME DAMN IT!
=======================
You are fucking 18 years old. She's probably like 16-18. Chances are she didn't realize you were just finger banging her. You cannot call yourself a sex God until you are 30.
---
19.
And I'm sorry hun. When you're 30 you get tired and lose the muscle mass to go for long periods of time. Seriously beat my record of most times, we will even extend your alloted time to do it. 7 times in one day. Each time lasting more than 45 minutes of non-stop sex.
Bring it beyotch.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:39:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
when do women get the title goddess?
==========
We are born with it.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
when do women get the title goddess?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:20:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say, my girlfriend literally used the words "Sex god" to me.
She was looking at another guy at the time...but she SAID IT TO ME!! IT WAS ABOUT ME DAMN IT!
=======================
You are fucking 18 years old. She's probably like 16-18. Chances are she didn't realize you were just finger banging her. You cannot call yourself a sex God until you are 30.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say, my girlfriend literally used the words "Sex god" to me.
She was looking at another guy at the time...but she SAID IT TO ME!! IT WAS ABOUT ME DAMN IT!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
write a poem about my enormous ass
i have a feeling if i read all the reviews, i will be very aroused.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well i haven't fucked peter north. never even met the guy. i actually probably could get any book by any porn star. i've already gotten free copies of movies ordered just for me... hmmm demon penis. i wonder if evil makes a better lay. maybe i should try that. i haven't faked anything yet though. if you suck you get told and i never play with you again. which is sad cuz i'm easy to please and can do everything myself if i need to. so if you suck you REALLY suck. give me something to play with for at least 20 minutes and i'm good to go.
after reading that i should have my sullen vow: i swear i'm not really a guy.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe she can get you a copy of his book "Fuck Like Me" and you can learn all of his secrets.
Thing you can hook that up, deepthroat?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think I would want to have sex with inion just because first after reading her story Incubus, I would be so paranoid she is faking it just so she can get freaky with a demon later.
And second, come on man. She is in the porno industry. I can't compete with Peter North.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 10:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ok i'll claim the inspiration for that one then. i'll get my gold star for the day.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
left at the first freckle, right at the third. should i count that one as ended up being written because of me?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Inspired by 'O Bury Me Not'
"Oh pierce me not in my small clittie"
Were the words that fell, low and casually
From the parted lips of my latest lay
As she felt my whip and flagellant's spray.
"Oh pierce me not in my small clittie,
For my boatman rocks quite peacefully,
In his little boat, centimeters wide
Yet I am submissive, and I will comply."
"Oh pierce me not..." and her voice stopped there
For I'd gripped her by her tangled hair,
Forced her down to spread her legs for me
And I pierced her then in her small clittie.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:29:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
and cuz i'm still camping i should let you know. metal and glass dildos/vibes suck cuz they feel funny if there's not enough lube and the glass ones are just flat out uncomfortable. no steel thanks very much please.
----
Hear that, fellas? If you're going to rev inion up before you dip your wick in her, make sure you've got yourself a synthetic toy of sorts.
Oh, and I'm selling roadmaps to her clit. $4/per.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:34:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
tough* and my fingers are drunk.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
victoria zdrok has a huge clit. she said it's easy for idiots to find. i've never seen chyna naked but i heard she popped a fake tit on stage and continued with the match so she's a touch bitch.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ever seen that former wrestler Chyna naked? Apparently she made a porn film a little while ago, and exposed her she-bits for the world to see. From what I've heard, she has a giant, ugly penoris. I doubt she'd have trouble getting that thing pierced.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and cuz i'm still camping i should let you know. metal and glass dildos/vibes suck cuz they feel funny if there's not enough lube and the glass ones are just flat out uncomfortable. no steel thanks very much please.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm afraid of all sharp objects that might possibly knock out my hoohoo tingling with 50/50 odds. especially since i don't have a really large target it's pretty much guaranteed they'd kill my nerves. and this is a girl who's had most of everything above the waist pierced at least once. so yeah SCARY. hood i'd almost do, still kinda squeamish.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:23:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're saying the thought of cold steel being forced through your nethers doesn't fill you with joy?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm still awake. i'm still camped here. i still laughed, but that clit thing made me close my legs tightly.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:12:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:59:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Me! Pick me! I want a poem too!! Could you write one about my birdie because he's sick and is having liver problems?
Hush Bad Ass Julie, don't say a word
O-Man's gonna heal up your sick-ass bird
If that sick-ass bird drops dead
O-Man's gonna buy you some short'nin bread
If that short'nin bread grows mold
O-Man's gonna buy you a ring of gold
If that ring of gold don't fit
O-Man's gonna pay for your piercéd clit
If that pierced clit swells up bad
O-Man's gonna buy you a maxi pad
If that maxi pad bleeds through
O-Man's gonna buy you a bike for two
If that bike for two don't speed
O-Man's gonna buy you a bag of weed
Once that bag of weed's smoked through
Then you'll forget your sick-ass bird's dead, too.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i dunno. i mean technically there wasn't consent, but there wasn't a no either. if someone wakes up and says no maybe it's only rape then. if they wake up and get into it maybe it's not. maybe it varies from state to state. crap even then it might only matter what hole you use. in some states if you're married it doesn't matter the woman can never be raped. i might have to look into this. maybe if i wasn't conscious when it started i can peg this on him, it would be kind of nice to give the guy a bad reputation. or something shitty on his conscious anyway. i feel the need to be evil.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wonder if it's considered rape at all if the person's asleep and has no interest whatsoever in waking up with a penos inside them. Generally speaking, I mean. Or if it's just awkward.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently the title needs to be changed from 'Pen for Hire' to 'Penthouse Forum'.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:45:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
um so i've definitely woken up to being fully engaged in sex. i didn't mind, something's sooo wrong with me. you should go do something to her. not necessarily sex, but like whip cream in hand feather her nose something. always take advantage of the sleeping. if you don't want to make that much of a mess, just put an ice cube in her crotch, same great reaction, less clean up.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a night person. She's sleeping (and I did...while she was awake I mean. I haven't done anyone in their sleep since college. Thankfully she didn't press charges. That's a lie. That would just be creepy. There's apparently a website or two that caters to that sort of thing - sleepassault.com or something. Dudes doing 'actresses' that are 'asleep.' Strange, the interests of some people.)
Besides, I've got to do BAJulie's poem.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nm... why the fuck are you up now? what's your excuse? why are you not doing your girlfriend?!?!?!?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
East Coast (US).
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what time zone are you in o?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:44:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel inclined to say that the ballad kicked so much ass I think I'll turn it into a photoChop project for next Thursday. Mind if I revive it for the event?
----
Do whatever you like with it. You can get it tattooed on your back for all I care.
Should be an interesting presentation of yours.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:06:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:11:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show, today, O-tron. For reals.
----
Hey, I'm only as good as my audience. If people called for shitty topics, today might have fallen to ruin.
Glad to see the interactive experience was a success, though.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no no no, you can do this thing like gulping while it's in your mouth. so there's kinda movement, but not in and out.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the reviews were entertaining.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
O...K. I take for granted certain things go together, like cookies and milk, sex and movement. I didn't consider your scenario of 'just sitting there'. I also didn't much consider the intimate and permanent nature of my comment before I made it. I'm done whoring up the post for now.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 20:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:05:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I deepthroat for longer than a minute- as long as I keep breathing, I don't turn blue.
------------
ok well i haven't figured out how to breathe with my throat closed. if there's 8" of dick in my mouth and subsequently throat they have a little under two minutes to remove the dick or i will just pass out. i mean if there's movement ie pumping/humping/bobbing and the like then yeah, but if the dick is just sitting there i mean my throat is closed for business as far as breathing goes. how small are the things you play with? eh, maybe i'll just practice more. too bad i'm hanging out with a chick tonight.
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel inclined to say that the ballad kicked so much ass I think I'll turn it into a photoChop project for next Thursday. Mind if I revive it for the event?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show, today, O-tron. For reals.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:01:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
BadAssJulie...I'll get to yours tonight or tomorrow. I haven't forgotten.
======================================
I get a poem too, yay! Thanks O'tron!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:01:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Boo, hiss, etc.
Time to roll, negroes.
BadAssJulie...I'll get to yours tonight or tomorrow. I haven't forgotten.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't take my top off, I'm at work.
*waits for inevitable stripper/hooker crack*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ayuh.
*taps foot, waits for top to be removed*
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what I'm talkin about, God you are such a stud
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I could be a hitwhore posting pictures of my dong
Or maybe even something 'bout Iraq and how we're wrong
I could be a hitwhore that spits hate in others' eyes
Or a little bitch that stirs the pot by spreading lies.
Yes, I garnered hits today, but earned them, every one
I wrote more today than other posters, anyone
I could have sparked drama but instead I spread the love
Giving people poems for the stories they thought of.
Me? I like your style - like you questioning the post
You were my first net stalker, I love you more than most
If you find enlightenment in this, my little ditty
Take your top off, girl, and let me motorboat your titties.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you write a poem about how big of a hitwhore you are. Ready, go.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Look, all I'm saying is that if I'm going I don't want to be the only one that gets a little pokin' in his browneye, ok?
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clap. Clap clap.
Clap clap clap clap calp clap clap clap clap.
<Stands)
BRAVO!
That was so...
Wait, what do you mean you hope it's not just MyTeeOne and me. If we don't have the rest of them holding us back, imagine the trouble I could get you into!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:37:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:23:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
O'tron - Can I have a poem about how cool Ubercon Chicago will be?
It's the Greatest Show on Earth! It's Ubercon Chicago!
It's the hottest thing in town since sliced bread (asiago)!
Come and stay with MyTeeOne, prepare for drinking hard
You'll see people, share some food, and spend all night in bars,
Sure there'll be some bullshit and some bad times - that's ok,
This'll be your chance to learn which Uberers are gay
And which ones like the snatch or mule, you may wake up in bed
With Jeanneee naked on your lap and bart's feet by your head.
Take a chance, you'll love it - you'll get to meet PokeyPecker
If he's not in prison that week (if he ever gets there),
Mbstateside's bound to be there - likely getting crunk
Dodging Brdn_Nkd's skeet and hiding in a trunk,
Scourge and CaptainThorns will meet and spend their time debating
Which one is the better lay, then wind up masturbating,
Manicmother's titties will be bared for all to see
You should come! Enjoy the show! An Uber Honalee!
There may e'en be midgets dancing on a stage or pole
We might just see Lisa teach us how to glory hole,
Shlongy - like a groundhog - might just rear his Rancid head,
TigerLilly's leg might even wind up in your bed,
If you're lucky Mike00295 will invite
His many, many whores to come and liven up the night.
There may be a baseball game, or something of the sort
And maybe even ghey menz if we hear from Caulaincort,
The scandal of the century might even come from this:
Who knocked up corn_nugget and who drank apollo's piss?
If you're of the mind to come then just RSVP
We'll see you there (I hope it's not just MyTeeOne and me).
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:05:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I deepthroat...
===============
That's as far as I needed to read.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
One of my mum's cats used to do that. Only to my brother, though. Weirdo cats.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I deepthroat for longer than a minute- as long as I keep breathing, I don't turn blue.
O- I'm more of a passive fan, I just think that's just a really beautiful song. It popped into my head for some reason- maybe because it's so poetic.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:58:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
no if you leave a dick in her mouth long enough she will gasp for air because the epiglottis has closed over the trachea in order to allow the penis to pass into the esophagus. you have basically a 1 minute time limit before most girls/male prostitutes will start turning blue.
----
Really? I remember the first time my g/f showed me she didn't have a gag reflex. I actually giggled in excitement. Now I'm so used to it I can't imagine oral without it. I'm gonna check and see if I can choke her to death by deep throating.
PS. If I don't post ever again, assume I'm in jail.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:51:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't consider that cheating exactly. It's more than I hoped for. She'd SO be posing for you in only a sweater right now.
Have you ever written anything to 'After the Goldrush' by Neil Young? I'm not sure why I ask that, but I do.
----
I don't want to think about that. At all. I wouldn't fuck her with your dick, and you, of course, don't have one.
And a big 'negative' to the Neil Young thing. Haven't really ever been big into NY, really. Can't explain why, as it's not a matter of avoidance or lack of exposure.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:58:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no if you leave a dick in her mouth long enough she will gasp for air because the epiglottis has closed over the trachea in order to allow the penis to pass into the esophagus. you have basically a 1 minute time limit before most girls/male prostitutes will start turning blue.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:50:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:45:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i'd rather die by accidently choking on a dick than old and shitting myself anyway. at least i was probably having fun on the way out.
==============
Agreed. <chokes violently>
==============
Hear, hear. But then, it's tough to choke someone who has truly mastered the art of the deep throat..hence the term 'art'.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll call you HV next time i'm feeling suicidal.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't consider that cheating exactly. It's more than I hoped for. She'd SO be posing for you in only a sweater right now.
Have you ever written anything to 'After the Goldrush' by Neil Young? I'm not sure why I ask that, but I do.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:45:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i'd rather die by accidently choking on a dick than old and shitting myself anyway. at least i was probably having fun on the way out.
==============
Agreed. <chokes violently>
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
inion I can help you to that end. Open wide.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i'd rather die by accidently choking on a dick than old and shitting myself anyway. at least i was probably having fun on the way out.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:10:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I always wanted to read an Ode to Sweater Girl.
http://www.lesliehall.com/8-sweaters.html
For this I'm going to cheat, and base it off of Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds' "(I'll Love You) Till the End of the World." Why? Because I'm an asshole.
It was a miracle I ever got out of Stalingrad alive,
That town full of vodka queens and fur-hatted harlots,
I mean, if you can just picture it,
My shirt nail-ripped and tattered by their needy hands
And the cabdriver yelling at me in Russian to pay my tab,
And the walk to the trainstation, long and full of snow,
Shivering my life away while potato sellers
Pepper the streets and the sidewalks beside me,
Shouting their hawks and seeking any old ruble
And me, if you can believe this,
Running on the face of the street
Turning a shoulder to the hawk and dove,
Just to get to you, my one true love:
Sweater girl, Sweater girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
With your outfits galore
And your hair uncurled
Some suits we plan
We coordinate and we create and we scheme and we match,
But you simply exist with sweaters exotic
And golden, shimmering hot pants the likes of which I have never seen
How you come by them, I do not know
Those glasses, as big as saucers framing your eyes
Saying:
Look to me, look to me
My hips are large, my loving ways are free
In this city of vodka queens and hatted harlots
You are the knitted, crew-necked queen of my heart
Humping my leg as I walk down the causeway to the station
On my way to you, you, you and your sweaters
In your "Green Gravel Lane"
I said:
Sweater girl, Sweater girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
With your outfits galore
And your hair uncurled
And with your "Tokens Till Tomorrow"
And your chubby man-handed fingers resting on your pants
I told you "put on 'Gum Drop Canyon' for me baby
Wash my pain way
In your sweaters of love."
Sweater girl, Sweater girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
With your outfits galore
And your hair uncurled
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It is, after all, the way you'll die in real life. Some would call it "working within a theme."
I can't go giving you false hope for a peaceful death at the hands of old age, now can I?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahhahaa yay got another. somehow now in 2 out of 3 things i've asked of you i've died from jizz.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:12:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Inion_de_trua, squished, becomes just IDT
============================================
That was pretty hot.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:23:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:43:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like a sonnet about the glories of nipples.
This may become a sequence. Petrarch would be proud.
Of nipples I do sing and greatly praise -
Twin bullets, fleshen, God-spun bumps of joy,
I love them soft, I love them cold and raised,
It warms my heart to have them as a boy.
Baskin Robbins has its many flavors
Yet many races reign in Nippledom:
Some are tiny like holes in Life Savers,
Some plump as erasers, or midget's thumbs.
Down in Africa they droop gigantic,
In Asia they slant sideways like their eyes
Irish nipples smile, so romantic,
Some nubs have areola big as pies.
I'd lose myself in tits if not for sex:
Oh nipples, you're the things that I love best.
====================
This is what poemetry is about. Bravo.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:08:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
remember how ya said collapsing my name makes you think of I DEEP THROAT? elaborate.
Inion_de_trua, squished, becomes just IDT
That brings quite a thought to mind, I say
See, it makes me think of her deepthroatin' dangle, mine,
On her knees, my grip making her sway.
"Let's get to the gagging, girl," I'd shout above the slobbin'
Watching spit and precum douse her chin,
Then she'd rear her head back and her lips would kiss my root
Forcing me to giggle, moan and grin.
Sticking out her tongue she'd tickle my nuts with its tip
Forcing them to leap a little more
Hair in hands I'd hold her and I'd move my hips around
Ramming in my tireless Man-o-war,
Thinking of a move I saw in porn so long ago
Quickly I would grab her by the nose
Closing up her nostrils, choking her, I'd feel her writhe
Squirmin' blowjobs make me curl my toes.
Lost, then, in my thrusting, bucking hips I would not notice
That her body'd gone quite slack and free,
Then my eyes would widen as I'd realized I'd killed her
Suffocated by my oral needs.
Lesser men would freak and diall 911 at once,
Me? I'd keep on pumping till I came,
Then I'd wrap her body in a bedsheet and I'd take her
Out behind my shed to dig a grave.
There she'd lay beside the other women that I'd killed
Accidentally smothering them all,
Damn this deepthroat love of mine - God rest you IDT
I must say, with you I had a ball.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:18:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
How about a poem about my asian friend Qu http://www.ubersite.com/m/61670 ?
You're getting dicked on this because of the 'upstart' comment. And so is Qu.
Qu the Asian Friend was thought by all to be a spook
His job at the CIA fooled family, friend alike
No, he was no agent, his was just an intern's life
Qu the Asian Friend was just a funny little Gook.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to see the nipple poem up in victoria's secrets.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:21:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
ghey.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:43:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like a sonnet about the glories of nipples.
This may become a sequence. Petrarch would be proud.
Of nipples I do sing and greatly praise -
Twin bullets, fleshen, God-spun bumps of joy,
I love them soft, I love them cold and raised,
It warms my heart to have them as a boy.
Baskin Robbins has its many flavors
Yet many races reign in Nippledom:
Some are tiny like holes in Life Savers,
Some plump as erasers, or midget's thumbs.
Down in Africa they droop gigantic,
In Asia they slant sideways like their eyes
Irish nipples smile, so romantic,
Some nubs have areola big as pies.
I'd lose myself in tits if not for sex:
Oh nipples, you're the things that I love best.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:21:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ghey.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:11:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Woohoo. I own 33.333333333333333333333333333333333% of the Most Heated list.
*hangs head in shame*
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm, not what i expected.
very nice sir.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:39:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:15:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Write about cupcakes
====================================
That was fucking excellent. I AM THE CUPCAKE FAIRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to do a cupcake fairy post now. I just need a costume.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:42:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
How about, why uber IS the real world.
What, like the Matrix?
Not quite.
Uber is as Uber does, my friend,
You are yours and I am mine
And here we are together,
What I do with word and rhyme,
And you with trick of Photoshop or Paint,
Or we together with paragraphs and words assembled -
Stories writ for ages yet to come,
Sermons on the loss of youth and composed to suit an audience
Bereft of anything concerning state of God or grace,
Fleeting instances of brilliance that sparkle for a moment
(Little Lucifers dying in the sky) -
What we, and more, do with this persistence
Is rip the fourth wall from this our human play.
Of human clay we're made, and galvanized
By blood borne of our fathers, by women,
So that names may continue
Warbling round our dying star,
Unconnected together, all, piped in
Through wire and line and board of key,
In office, home, hovel, cafe,
Broad the band of the modern teleplay
Vast the holdings of the net we cast
Together, you and I, each separate and lost
And bonded all the same by trick of rhyme or play of prose.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me! Pick me! I want a poem too!! Could you write one about my birdie because he's sick and is having liver problems? This is him: http://www.ubersite.com/m/78448
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:41:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
well in my family there's no boob growth.
===============================================================================
If i knew you, I would call you "Pirates Treasure." Get it? Sunken chest... HA!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:11:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:10:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I'm going to take a stab at it, I'm not sure about this. Is it Parrot Heads Anonymous? Oh well. If not, I'll concede for now.
----
It's Squidheads.
Well fought. Shoot me an email HighVoltage900.at.aol.com cause I'm bored. DO IT NOW!
------------
Done. Good game.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:30:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
but i want knockers.
---
Listen to the Darkness's new album. Song #2. "Knockers."
Great song.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well in my family there's no boob growth. my cousins have kids, my aunt/mom had kids, well obviously on one side. and none of them have boobs. both my grammas were dd at minimum, i'm pretty sure one was ddd, and we're all a-b cups except my aunt is a c cup being the largest in the last two generations. i'm gonna hafta buy em i can't just get pregnant and have estrogen take care of it. which blows. fucking tits.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:15:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
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