A Whole New Respect for Hardwood Floors (1408 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.91 on 66 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ahumblefool (View user info) at 2006-01-26 11:03:39 EST
I have seen the 40 Year Old Virgin and I have read the websites for hardwood floors, I just never thought I would have the opportunity for the experience, but, when you lose a bet, you got to pay. Pay I did.
The real argument was for either a male or female technician. Yes I found they prefer to be called beauty technicians, not hair strippers or dominatrix. The problem for me was that I did not want some man spreading hot wax on my nether region. I most certainly did not want a woman doing that, and someone enjoying it too much, suddenly popping up to say hello. Since my wife got to pick who would be spreading the joy and ripping away my pride, she chose the female, a little bit of kinkiness there thinks I.
My "Beauty Technician" was very nice, and walked me through the procedure. I was informed that I would be quite pleased with the way "it" felt after the hair was removed. I asked if the web sites that showed the people screaming were correct. She laughed and said, "Oh yea, this is going to hurt like hell." Ah, wonderful. She also informed me that if I continued to come (no pun intended), it would be less painful with each visit. After my experience I somewhat doubt that.
I walked into the private room, wife following along as she got to watch the procedure. Taking off my pants I realized that another woman had not seen me naked in quite some time, and now I had that nervousness in which to deal. I find as I get older, I am not as self conscious about my body, but still, a strange women was going to be smearing a wax substance on my nuts and that was a little uncomfortable. My BT entered the room and I got up onto the table. She asked which area I would like to have done first, my ass or my genitalia, her words. I asked her which she would suggest, and she said, "The front, because after that first rip, you are not going to want to go farther." I laid out on my back, spreading my legs just enough for the BT to work. My wife was standing beside me, smirking and having a good time of it all. I felt the BT spread the solution onto my testicles; it was warm, thick and sticky.
I laid there for a moment, just waiting for the rip, and when it happened I suddenly gained a whole new respect for women who get this done on a regular basis. I do not like pain, never have, but this, this hurt like a MF. I thought that perhaps she had accidentally ripped the skin from my sack as well, and for just a moment I wanted to scream "Kelly Clarkson!" It was at this point that I began to laugh, laughing that brought tears to my eyes. I find that when I am in tremendous pain, I will laugh, laugh so hard that it is hard to breathe. I was nick named "The Joker" in high school because when I would get hit or hurt, I would laugh my ass off. (Kept bullies away as they thought I was nuts.)
The BT stepped back and said, "Why are you laughing?"
"Because it hurts," I said through the gasps.
Each time she smeared the gear with the wax and ripped I would laugh even harder; she would have to stop to let me catch my breath. This continued through the front and onward to the ass, I really wanted her to stop, but a bet is a bet, and no way was my wife going to hang this from my neck.
You know, it does feel really smooth. At the moment it feels like I just shaved with a dull razor, raw. Of course I was told that once the hair begins to grow back, I will itch like crazy, so I got that going for me. And no, I will not be posting pictures, as I would rather not be the next Urbane on Ubersite.
I give it up to the ladies, hardwood floors are nice, but I can see where a well trimmed carpet has its merits.
My next appointment is in three weeks :)
JK
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-14 17:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is there any man that actually likes a little fur? I've never known one.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jegshamesh!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-21 17:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For God so loved the world, he gave us his one and only humblefool.
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-01-29 22:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It doesn't hurt that much for women- I don't have any problems with it at all!
But props to you, have a plus two
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-01-27 18:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:05:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
The best prize is shared space in the master bedroom, or the "love dungeon" as I like to call it. I'm fat, so I'm a great spooner.
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Pay respect to the master, son.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:58:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
The pain becomes tolerable-ish after a few times. And it's worth it to get that pre-pubescent smoothness.
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Does this mean I'm not desirable?
What?
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good God.
Now I need a bet to get my hubby to do that! Ideas?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The BT stepped back and said, "Why are you laughing?"
"Because it hurts," I said through the gasps.
===========================
You're hard core.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The pain becomes tolerable-ish after a few times. And it's worth it to get that pre-pubescent smoothness.
What?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:43:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
And WTF is the phrase "hardwood floors" slang for? I've never heard that used in any context other than construction until now.
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I don't know what it means either and, since I am at work, I'm a bit scared to google it. Can someone explain it to me (using Humbles wife as an example if need be?)
______________________________________________
It is a phrase that is used for women who get their labia areas waxed, all the hair removed, smooth as a hardwood floor.
When there is hair it is called the carpet, you know, does the carpet match the drapes.
So, you might ask a women you are dating, do you like hardwood floors or carpet. She will then punch you in the mouth. Good times had by all.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:16:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed my ass off at this. Hope you don't mind me laughing at your humiliation and pain but....damn, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
You're a good man, Charlie Brown!
BTW, yes, it hurts less each consecutive time. When the hair starts growing and the itch sets in, you'll be tempted to go get it done again to stop the itchies.
___________________________________________________
Hell, no problem, I am laughing now at all the comments. Forensic, honestly, I do not think I can handle that again, the itching can not be that bad.
Guys, this is a bad bet! Don't do it.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:05:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best prize is shared space in the master bedroom, or the "love dungeon" as I like to call it. I'm fat, so I'm a great spooner.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:31:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:29:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardwood floors are waxed.
=================================================================
You win a prize. You get couch space at UberconChicago.
Haha! You've been offered the couch but he's offered me some of his hardwood floor.
What?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:09:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:52:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
You should consider Botox. For your balls.
==============
He'll then have the pouty nuts he's been dreaming of.
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no that's restalyn or collagen injections. he'd have smooth wrinkle free ironed balls with botox.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:29:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardwood floors are waxed.
=================================================================
You win a prize. You get couch space at UberconChicago.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardwood floors are waxed.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed my ass off at this. Hope you don't mind me laughing at your humiliation and pain but....damn, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
You're a good man, Charlie Brown!
BTW, yes, it hurts less each consecutive time. When the hair starts growing and the itch sets in, you'll be tempted to go get it done again to stop the itchies.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And WTF is the phrase "hardwood floors" slang for? I've never heard that used in any context other than construction until now.
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I don't know what it means either and, since I am at work, I'm a bit scared to google it. Can someone explain it to me (using Humbles wife as an example if need be?)
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:11:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Never mind my question - I found the answer with trusty ol' Google.
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And lemme guess... nothing pleasent?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK. I had never heard the expression 'hardwood floors.' Imagine my confusion.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never mind my question - I found the answer with trusty ol' Google.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:09:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to the brotherhood of the shorn scrotum.
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Indeed. That's why I use hair trimmers and a razor - god, I'd never dream of waxing my sac or chode. You've got balls, Mr. Fool.
And WTF is the phrase "hardwood floors" slang for? I've never heard that used in any context other than construction until now.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crikey!
Why didn't you shave it yourself it the privacy of your own home? Was the waxing thing part of the bet?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you shoulda thrown a curveball and screamed 'Justin Guarini'
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Respect.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jesus fucking christ.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:32:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You got yourself a do-over in mine SPT offering.
It's not better or worse than the other...it's just different.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blimey
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should come to Ubercon Chicago and we can find that bar we were talking about the other day.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:09:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:52:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
You should consider Botox. For your balls.
==============
He'll then have the pouty nuts he's been dreaming of.
________________________
And you can give me a cupcake.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:09:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to the brotherhood of the shorn scrotum.
Waxing the ass? I couldn't do it. But moreso because I have too much leg hair as is, and it'd be like I was wearing chaps.
--
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:52:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
You should consider Botox. For your balls.
==============
He'll then have the pouty nuts he's been dreaming of.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to the brotherhood of the shorn scrotum.
Waxing the ass? I couldn't do it. But moreso because I have too much leg hair as is, and it'd be like I was wearing chaps.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:02:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I just felt my nutsack curl up inside me as I read this. No bet is worth that kind of pain. If it came down to it, I'd rather have my knees taken out by Vinnie the bookie than have my nether regions waxed.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:02:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:39:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
What will you end up doing if this leads to you having the best sex of your life and your wife wants you to keep it this way?
________________________________
It would have to be really great sex. I mean really incredible sex.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should consider Botox. For your balls.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:50:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy bastard.
Maybe, MAYBE, the satchel. But the asshole? Good god, I don't even want to imagine that pain.
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for making another appointment.
Holy shit, man - holy shit.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What will you end up doing if this leads to you having the best sex of your life and your wife wants you to keep it this way?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:39:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this post needs to die. I'm getting sympathy pains.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really think there's a big difference, maybe if she just did your pubes and not the ball hair.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:33:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well you are nuts. fucking nuts. and your nuts are smooth... ish. so this is why i shave, i'm not as loony as most girls cuz um something bout hot wax and scalping my lower lips doesn't sound nice. and the risk of taking skin off with waxing, which can happen, is just too painful for me to think about.
use bikini zone, cuts down on itch of regrowth. and exfoliate if you got your chest done, helps prevent ingrown hairs cuz the top layer of skin is obviously getting brushed off and they break through easier. also i think it will feel good. although i've never had to shave my chest.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:31:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?? No photos??
Comeon show us you slick shiny asscrack.
________________________
Are you kidding? This place is on the hunt for a new Urbane, and that is not me.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?? No photos??
Comeon show us you slick shiny asscrack.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:25:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
you're going back?
___________________
HELL no. I was just kidding about that part, that was the JK at the end.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're going back?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:15:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on dude. You rock mountains so hard they shake. You're so hardcore, I bet you were laughing because you didn't even NOTICE her ripping off the hair. You were like "HA! I can punch iceburgs into perfect cubes! You think THIS phazes me?!?! STUPID BITCH!"
_________________________
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, that was good. Have to show my wife that review.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:14:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardwood floors are NOT equal to a sack and crack wax. What were you thinking?
__________________________________
What, doesn't this hurt just as bad for women? I was pretty naive about all of it, but i would agree, this bet was too much.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Kelly Clarkson!"
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:15:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
You were like "HA! I can punch iceburgs into perfect cubes!"
========================================
That is fucking hysterical. Best review EVAR.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on dude. You rock mountains so hard they shake. You're so hardcore, I bet you were laughing because you didn't even NOTICE her ripping off the hair. You were like "HA! I can punch iceburgs into perfect cubes! You think THIS phazes me?!?! STUPID BITCH!"
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardwood floors are NOT equal to a sack and crack wax. What were you thinking?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardwood floors are NOT equal to a sack and crack wax. What were you thinking?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bet was based off this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82757
If I had won, the wife would have been in the chair.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:12:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:11:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
The world seems to have developed a fascination for hairless genitalia.
People wonder why I think that paedophilia is far more widespread than people think. Think about it, every other day it seems you read about someone convicted of pedarest. If propaganda is to believed, there are vast organisations selling child pornography over the internet, so there must be massive demand.
I reckon it's some intergal part of human nature. Either that or it's a by product of all the repression or something. I don't know.
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It's the fault of the Japanese. They popularised it.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Look - you're going to have to tell us what you'd have won. It had to be a clitorial piercing or something. What is worth this?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The world seems to have developed a fascination for hairless genitalia.
People wonder why I think that paedophilia is far more widespread than people think. Think about it, every other day it seems you read about someone convicted of pedarest. If propaganda is to believed, there are vast organisations selling child pornography over the internet, so there must be massive demand.
I reckon it's some intergal part of human nature. Either that or it's a by product of all the repression or something. I don't know.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On second though, I'll go Mountain climbing with you. It has to be better then getting the wax.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:06:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a new found respect for you...then i lost it when you said you were gonna have it done again.
______________________
No, hell no. I am not going back again, that was the JK at the end, Just Kidding. I could not go through that again.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS BET ABOUT????
Jesus christ man, I don't care who or what i'm betting, getting my nether regions waxed would have to be last on the list of things I would agree to.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
T.M.I., man, T.M.I.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a new found respect for you...then i lost it when you said you were gonna have it done again.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:06:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NEXT APPOINTMENT?
What the hell would you have got if you'd won the bet? What is going on here?
I think I would curl up in a ball and cry while occasionally looking up with red rimmed eyes and silently mouthing 'why? why?' before curling up tighter and sobbing.