Things I'm going to do when I get home from IRAQ (912 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Attemptuous (View user info) at 2006-01-26 11:36:39 EST
Going home in 4 weeks. Iraq blows worse than any toothless whore I've ever skipped out on.
The first thing I'm going to do is sleep in a real bed - preferrably not alone. Hell, by this point, I think that if I were to spoon even Kwasimodo's ugly-ass daughter I'd impale her with my morning wood. Shit, scratch that. I think the first thing I'm going to do is send my "Secret Squirrel" on a deep recon mission to find Morocco Mole in the dark Cave O' Love.
The second thing I'm going to do is drink some beer. You have no idea how long it's been since the cold, refreshing taste of Shiner Bock has crossed my lips.
So, beer and Morocco Mole are at the top of my list. Go figure. I'm sure you're not surprised.
What might surprise you is that I'm going to start writing a book. The title is "Caulaincourt and the Butt Pirates of Penzance" - here's the plot: Uber-user-turned-homo runs away from France (what else would he do but run? he's french) and jumps aboard a ship bound for the Somali Coast. Near his new home, the ship is overrun by pirates who are in search of booty - but not just any booty...that's right - Caul becomes the newest member of the Poop deck patrol.
Sequals are already being planned, including "Rocky VII: Tiger Lilly and the One Legged Ass Kicking Contest", "Agent_Smith Goes to Washington", "GodLovesALittleLovin in the Pooper" and everybodies favorite, "Bartending Tips from Flack".
But, just in case you can't picture it:
User Reviews
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a soldier
That's all i can think of right now. I like secret squirel. I like soldiers. So hell why not.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i miss texas. and that's just wrong.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:49:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Come home safe, and avoid going back again if at all possible.
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:18:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
shiner?
you from texas?
i like shiner, i thought i'd hate all american beer but then i noticed on the label it is from a czech/german recipe.
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+2 for SHINER!
Yup. I grew up in Texas and learned to drink beer in Texas. Gotta love the stuff!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come home safe, and avoid going back again if at all possible.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:23:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:18:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
shiner?
you from texas?
i like shiner, i thought i'd hate all american beer but then i noticed on the label it is from a czech/german recipe.
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So is Budweiser, but it still tastes like piss water.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shiner?
you from texas?
i like shiner, i thought i'd hate all american beer but then i noticed on the label it is from a czech/german recipe.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
those were my medals, not my stripes...thats what confused me
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sorry to break it to you sporto, but JonnyX hold the patent on ghey pirate stories around here - check out my UberMadness entry
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72222
I was actually thinking aboput resurrecting Gheybeard again....
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, Flack, you did that... I belive it was you, aj, shiloh, EatMeCompletely and I walking along while you sang (with your stripes pinned to your shirt).
I do believe you were drunk.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget to assasinate the moron who sent you over there in the first place.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:40:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget to wave your penis at traffic.
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I had my own comment here but for some reason this made me crack up.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for soldier and Caulaincourt bashing.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You forgot the bit where you lie in bed for six months taking meds to quell the itching feeling below your knees where your legs used to be.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:04:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For a second there I thought Secret Squirrel was going to expose himself.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:00:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hope you make it home safe.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:52:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Flack, you can only go to vegas if you wear your stripes on your t-shirt and sing at the top of your lungs, at noon, on the strip, again.
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I did that? Explain. I don't remember.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Baby Killer.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:52:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Flack, you can only go to vegas if you wear your stripes on your t-shirt and sing at the top of your lungs, at noon, on the strip, again.
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by the_cole_guy (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:43:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Beat the hell out of someone at the bar and then blame it on Post Tramatic Stress Disorder.
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This is good...I like this idea.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll send you a case of welcome home beer.
Submitted by the_cole_guy (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beat the hell out of someone at the bar and then blame it on Post Tramatic Stress Disorder.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget to wave your penis at traffic.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:38:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to Vegas when I got back. That was awesome!
Bartending tips? Hell I got a few!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What might surprise you is that I'm going to start writing a book. The title is "Caulaincourt and the Butt Pirates of Penzance" - here's the plot: Uber-user-turned-homo runs away from France (what else would he do but run? he's french) and jumps aboard a ship bound for the Somali Coast. Near his new home, the ship is overrun by pirates who are in search of booty - but not just any booty...that's right - Caul becomes the newest member of the Poop deck patrol.
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I would not want to read this book.