Even swords didn't help me. I knew I should have kept the crossbow (1701 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 1.9 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-01-26 11:39:33 EST
My drive home was fairly uneventful. Especially considering the zombie hoards that I had spent my afternoon dealing with (http://www.ubersite.com/m/82578 and http://www.ubersite.com/m/82892). But they were all gone and dealt with now.
Or so I thought.
Well, to be honest, I never thought that. And I'm pretty glad, as I felt I had found my true calling in life. The sole survivor of a zombie invasion at work. I was pretty much a certified zombie killer. I spent the whole journey home mentally designing my business cards.
There were a few walking dead drifting around my street, but I ploughed through them and pulled into my drive way. Clambering out of the car I slammed the door closed and tried to slide back across the bonnet again.
Still failing I got to my feet again and ran to the door on the side of the house, desperate to outrun the zombies who had noticed my arrival.
Fumbling with my keys, I quickly unlocked the door, threw myself in and slammed the door closed behind me, moments before dozens of reaching hands began scratching at the glass and white PVC of my backdoor.
"Mum?" I called out to the dark house. "Mum, you home?"
Silence.
I went into the kitchen and flicked on the light. I picked up the phone, listened to the earpiece and slammed it back down.
"Shit." I said, then thought about it, and picked up the phone again. "Oh." There was actually a tone. I guess sometimes you assume that it happens in the films it should happen to you.
I quickly speed dialled my Mum's work. It rang twice before she answered.
"Hi, Mum." I said.
"Nath. Thank God. Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine. You?"
"We're okay. I assume you've come across these queers?"
"Yeah, we had...wait, what?"
"The queers. Someone at work told me it's the gays attacking everyone."
"No, Mum. It's zombies." I was confused how anyone could get the two mixed up. "Haven't you seen them?"
"No. We just got told to wait inside. Are you sure it's zombies?"
"Yes. Why the hell would gays suddenly start to revolt?"
"Well that's what I thought, but I figured it was better not to ask and just stay where it's safe."
"Okay. Well that's a good idea. Just stay inside and stay safe. I'm home at the moment. I'm going to do what I can about the problem."
"What do you mean?"
I forced a stern look and a stern voice, not that anyone could really see it, and I wasn't too bothered about impressing my Mum. "I'm going hunting."
Before she could protest, although it didn't sound much like she was going to, I hung up on my Mum. I waited by the phone for a few minutes for her to call back to convince me not to, but gave up after a while.
I went upstairs to prepare for my counter attack.
---
First I switched on my computer and quickly designed the business cards I'd thought about all the way home. While they were printing off, I got changed into action gear.
Looking into my wardrobe, I realised I owned no action gear, so I settled for a pair of looser fitting jeans and my baggy Lamb of God t-shirt.
Five of my ten sheets of cards had printed off, so I went over to my window sill, where my three swords sat. They were your standard, three different lengths, samurai sword collection.
I picked them off the display and dropped them onto my bed, pulling each one out and gave them a wipe with a disused sock that had been on my floor. Instead of cleaning them it left scattered bits of fluff up and down the length of the blades.
By this time the cards had fully printed off, so I took my scissors and carefully cut them up into individual sheets and put them in my pocket, alongside the short sword.
When I was looking for my scissors I came across my other arrows. I knew I had more. That was when I cursed myself for leaving my crossbow at work. If I got the chance I'd go back to pick it up, if it recovered from the fire. Just in case, I dropped them in their protection tin into my other pocket.
Carrying one other sword in my hand and putting the other one in my belt, I left my room. I fell down most of the stairs, after tripping over the sword in my belt, so decided to unsheathe the two longer ones and carried one in each hand.
There were more and more zombies outside my backdoor now.
Taking a deep breath I turned the key and pulled the door open as fast as I could, swinging the middle sword as hard as I could.
Jumping the gun a bit, the blade hit the side of the door, snapping the blade in half. Suddenly panicking, I grabbed at the door again and slammed it shut.
"Shit." I muttered to myself, dropping the now useless sword handle.
I looked down at the floor where the broken half of the sword was now lying.
"Fucking thing." I tried to give it a kick but scuffed instead, kicking the carpet.
Giving up on going out of the door, I decided the best attack would be from above. The element of surprise normally works best on zombies. I assumed.
I jogged back up the stairs and went into the spare room, which was above the porch to the front door.
Getting the window open as wide as I could I looked down. The front of the house was also swarming with zombies. Possibly more than were at the backdoor.
I pulled my small sword from my pocket and unsheathed. I figure if I climbed onto my porch, I could jump from there onto my car roof and from there it would be easy to take a lot of scalps off.
Taking another deep breath, I sat on the window sill, swing my feet, stumbled, fell and tipped out of the window. There was a loud crashing as I fell through the porch roof, landing hard on the floor.
I was followed down by plastering and roof tiles, as the rest of the roof seemed to cave in around me.
Groaning, I forced myself back to my feet. My back was killing me.
"For fuck's sake." I said out loud, looking at the longest sword, which had now also snapped in half, leaving me with just the short blade, which had really only ever been a back-up.
Now I was trapped in between the front door to the house which was locked and the porch, which only led out to loads of zombies, so I just sat and waited for a while for an idea to come to me on how to escape.
In the meantime, I sat down and began to read the mail that was still waiting in there, giving my back time to recover.
My phone bill for the month was outrageous.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 01:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh for fucks sake...
I should have read these as the were put out.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombie Hunter business cards, oh my...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah man....
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-02-01 11:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jumping the gun a bit, the blade hit the side of the door, snapping the blade in half. Suddenly panicking, I grabbed at the door again and slammed it shut.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Man, that is sheer fucking class.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-30 11:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I REEEEEAAAALY want to print this out and hang it in my cubicle for others to read... you know, so they don't think I'm nuts.
Damn you for making me giggle at work!!!
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-27 17:05:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"We're okay. I assume you've come across these queers?"
"Yeah, we had...wait, what?"
"The queers. Someone at work told me it's the gays attacking everyone."
=============
Putre awewsome.
More forced me cock hole I second.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2006-01-26 20:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-26 20:22:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I'll take S WORDS for 1200, Trebek".
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-26 20:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hard to imagine that the sole survivor of an attack of the zombie hordes would be so fucking pathetic.
Keep 'em coming, man. "More forced than the others" my cock-hole!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Epic. In a good way.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:27:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
%)
^^^^^^^^
Zombie smiley.
Its crap isn't it.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Broken_Bird (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"The queers. Someone at work told me it's the gays attacking everyone."
HAHA
Submitted by JackalFett (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!
Submitted by HillBoyJr (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for the falling down the stairs part. i think i peed a little in me boxers.
and, Astropath, Goon fan?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you rock.
hard.
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As I said yesterday, this is the best series ever.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all day long negro.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Digging me some Zombies. Stephen Kings new book is out, it is pretty good so far, half way through it, about zombies.
I love me some zombies.
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ, man. You don't cut zombies. You gotta bludgeon the slackjaws.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should read the Complete Zombie Survival Guide. It's my coffee table book and it's pretty good bathroom fodder as well.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
crazy in the good way.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your hand, while warm and masculine is as soft as a velvet child."
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem? We get a bunch of priests in
here ...
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha business cards.
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff. I like zombie stories/movies.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilariously pathetic
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is brilliant. I agree, a little more forced then the previous two, but i still love it. You took time to make up your cards...PR is an important part of zombie hunting.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This would make an interesting novelette, sitcom, or broadway musical.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My face actually HURTS from laughing. I both love and hate you.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, nothing useful in the kitchen then?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still very funny, but it seemed a bit more forced than the previous ones. But I won't hold that against you. You are just trying to appease me as always.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should call this series Nathter the Pandemic or something.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-01-26 11:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mind works in mysterious way, my young Padawan.