Fuck You Darwin, or Why The Military Should Raise Enlistment Standards (915 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.9 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sean fogy <seanfogy.at.msn.com> (View user info) at 2006-01-26 12:29:52 EST
I'll admit it. I don't drive with my seatbelt on. Fuck seatbelts. Fuck cars for that matter. They're nothing but 50 mile an hour death traps. I'm not an anti-seatbelt advocate by any stretch of the imagination, but I would rather be flung through a windshield and into something hopefully fatal than be trapped and burned to death because of a seatbelt. So it goes.
Is that a good enough excuse?
Either way, this isn't about me. No. I am going to share with you one good reason why Darwin is a fucking liar.
I am told that there are three elements of a story: character, setting and plot. So if we're going to do this, we might as well do it right.
This story's main character is a young man that is known to few as Purple. He is what is so affectionately known as a "gamer", with looks on par with a chemotherapy patient. You know the type, a rare sight in the daylight and a marvelous spectacle if you do manage to observe one of them in their natural habitat.
The setting is an Air Force electronics maintenance shop, and the time was yesterday. So here's to a plot!
Myself, Purple, and another co-worker are standing around this piece of equipment, trying to figure out how to fix it. This one particular piece has been worked on for 6 shifts now to no avail, and we're starting to get fed up. One of the guys takes the bottle of isopropyl alcohol (good stuff) and sprays a little into the palm of his hand, and plans to light it on fire. A genius move in the direction of desperation or a dumb one in the name of boredom, either would fit. Not to miss a good show, I give him my lighter. Flash! He rubs his hands together after a good three seconds of fun. Flawless execution! Not to be outdone, I take the bottle and a lighter and follow suit. Wow, fire! I rub my hands together and pass the bottle to Purple.
What followed should be a disqualifying mark upon entrance or during service of any branch of the armed forces.
You put out a chemical fire on one of you hands by:
A) patting it out with your other hand.
B) rubbing it out on your pants
C) any means other than rubbing it out on your pants.
If you picked "B" you don't get in. You get automatically sent to college so that you can dope it up with other burnouts and run companies into the ground when you grow up. Possibly be an Air Force officer, maybe even President!
Well, that's exactly what Purple did. He took his hand which had a flaming liquid on it and tried to rub it out on his pant leg. Take a moment here, and think about this.
Just as you would suspect, his fucking pants caught on fire. I don't know what came over me, but I felt compelled to pat his pant fire out (probably against better judgment) while he's waving his blazing hand all around in the air like a kid with downs does when he sees somebody hit a homerun at a baseball game.
I thought it was funny as all hell at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to feel like shit. I just hammered another nail in the coffin of the human race. Did I let Darwin down by letting Purple live? No, because if there had been even a little truth to Darwin's works, the "gamer" known to few as Purple wouldn't have made it this far.
User Reviews
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:55:04 (#)
Ranking: -1
Anybody else notice the influx of military topics since I started posting True War Stories?
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asshole...see below
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if I would panic and do something stupid too. I wonder if I
would be able to keep my head in scary situations.
Adrenaline is not my friend.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Foolproof: Nah. There are a decent percentage of posters here who are military or prior service and tell their stories.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Anybody else notice the influx of military topics since I started posting True War Stories?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I lost faith in Darwin when my dogs killed their 30 or 40th opossum. Wild things are supposed to be smarter than that, isn't there some kind of opossum newsletter identifying my yard as a potential death zone?
Note to the persnickety: thanks I know that opossums don't actually have a newsletter
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
see if you can get him to do it again and then post pictures
People lighten up, I don't think this was intended as a biology dissertation on Darwin.
You're all like that loser who when someone says, "it never snows here" will counter with specific dates, times, and accumulation totals for the past 100 years to prove that while a rare occurrence, it does in fact on rare occasion snow here.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hehehe... I'm so going to hell for laughing at the Downs comment.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!SOUP'S ON BITCHES!!!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
pants on fire. haha
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"like a kid with downs does when he sees somebody hit a homerun at a baseball game. " That line made me giggle. FUCKING GIGGLE!
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Yep, it's the only thing that saved this post.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In all fairness Sean, you're probably right.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"like a kid with downs does when he sees somebody hit a homerun at a baseball game. " That line made me giggle. FUCKING GIGGLE!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:13:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i know a guy who did something similar also...got drunk, poured some oil on his hand, lit it on fire....tried to put it out...only to find out that oil doesn't get extinguished as quickly as alcohol....burnt the fuck out of his hand.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit!
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-26 13:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is the poor guy really known as Purple? If so, that's really sad, he never stood a chance. Purple is the color of the gays and I think god must've been punishing him because, as I'm sure you've all heard, he hates the gays. You should've let him die to put him out of the misery that is his life.
Now you've just given god another chance to fuck him in the ass for being gay.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
humans don't usually count in the scheme of darwin because we have parents giving their latest gene pool filter fuck up all the advantages in the world. fucking parents.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
natural selection is just what i will stating...those best suited for their environment will live on to reproduce and thus keep their genes within the gene pool.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Darwin also has works on what is known as Natural Selection. Where it doesn't necessarily fit into humans in the modern world, there are still more than enough cracks that Purple could have fallen into by now.
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"like a kid with downs does when he sees somebody hit a homerun at a baseball game."
This saved you.
'Cause downs is funny.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, darwin states that the meek will be eliminated from the gene pool...he just doesnt have to successfully procreate for Darwin to be right.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:34:26 (#)
Ranking: -1
I see your logic, but it's flawed. You put out the fire, so you were an outside force. Had he been left to his own defences, the pants fire would have likely done some damage and eliminated his ability to procreate, effectively removing him from the gene pool.
Did you actually read the story? Because if you did, you would find that you just repeated the entire last two paragraphs of this post and said that my logic is flawed.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I see your logic, but it's flawed. You put out the fire, so you were an outside force. Had he been left to his own defences, the pants fire would have likely done some damage and eliminated his ability to procreate, effectively removing him from the gene pool.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh. Oh so very meh.