What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it...? (961 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -1.55 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kam "And this, kids, is your mind. On drugs." pA (View user info) at 2006-01-26 14:14:15 EST
There are few things more disconcerting for a guy than going to take a piss, looking down, and seeing blood. I have said this before.
Having the feeling that the room is attempting to 'dozer through your forehead is bad, but not quite as disconcerting as the above. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Stomach cramps are a bitch, when you get them every time you move after sitting still for a short time. Like, say, 35 minutes. Which is, coincidently, the same amount of time that a lesson lasts.
After two days of that, you're not on best form.
The run into the airport was smooth, and checking remarkably painless. Buzzed, we talked loud, we gesticulated, we were probably slightly annoying. The flight was only about 40 minutes - they said it'd take an hour, but these bastards always overestimate so they can pretend to be 'ahead of schedule' when the plane is late and they 'catch up'.
But again we get ahead of ourselves, and a wise man once said only a fool or a whore would do that.
English people seem to have such difficulty understanding a Belfast accent - mine is quite smooth, comparatively. Heaven help some poor bloody sod of an English who gets a salt-of-the-pavement Belfast man asking for directions in a bad mood, for surely he is In Big Trouble then. Now I'm digressing, and in sinliness, I'm sure that stands near to getting ahead of yourself where literature is concerned.
Now there's a point.
Is this sort of crap 'literature'?
I'd say no, but some people seem to think their shit is, but fuck those people. If that's their opinion of it, then it's flawed. Bastards. Was that digression justifiable? Probably not, but since when has justification for anything been necessary? You will bend over and SUBMIT to the ass-raping administratored to you on a regular rota basis, because you DESERVE it, you worthless piece of shit!
If you hear it enough, go through it enough, it's mighty tricky to keep disbelieving in it.
Where the FUCK was I?
Ah yes. Off the bus when we saw the appropriate landmark, and checked in to the lodge no problems - it's against their rules to have 3 adults in a 2/2 family room, but no-one seemed to care on the desk. There were only two of us then, though. The one I'll call Dave was coming later, and he was apparently bringing vodka.
Ali was mildly amusing, but not spellbinding enough to stop me testing out the fake ID in the local supermarket. Bud still tastes bad after the last time I drank it. But that's fine. Then Dave showed up.
You open the door, and a 6-foot-something steps through.
He's gaunt.
He has long, black hair.
A scraggly black beard.
He's wearing black jeans.
A black shirt with marijuana-pattern leaves.
A trenchcoat.
A felt, side-pinned-up cowboy hat.
A necklace of paper leaves. Green, paper leaves. Weed leaves.
Shades.
Shite.
"Dude, you look like a dealer." He smiles. I almost back away, but I'm Dr Doberish, gawddammit! Plonks the holdall on the table. Pulls out two bottles of vodka. I smile. I grab for the 2-litre coke. Here we go...
I down the bitches far too fast to begin with. We're chatting, and it is pretty awesome - random shit, you know the drill. I'm thinking. I'm an underage drinker, with a fake ID (Editor's note: not anymore - I'm legal at time of posting...kindof takes some of the fun out of it, eh?) purely to buy alcohol, and as I try, I struggle to remember when and where I was first drunk.
Now this freaks me. I *think* I know when it was, but there's an edge of uncertainty. I'm still underage (hence the ID, as I said about two lines up) and I always think of myself as pretty steady and 'good', as it were. So surely I should be able to remember how many times I've been drunk? And the first time, surely?
Well, nothing for it now...Dave's rolling something.
"Experience!" - used as an imperative. I knock a glass of water over on my bed as I try to sit still, but trees like spinning tops and bulldozers through your forehead make motor functions as secondary as a pussy at an anal convention.
*
Hacking spraycans apart is trickier than the average State Attorney is liable to have you believe.
By the time I realise I'm chopping the wrong bit my hands look like Dennis the Menace on speed.
Black paint from the can, red blood from twisted metal cuts to my spunk-softened fingers.
*
"I thought you were gay..." I glare over her shoulder at the next guy. He looks a little worried, but then no-one likes a close scrunity from Dr Doberish. I do, after all, have a PhD in Pain. I'm only staring at the fucker because my mate bollocked off upstairs too 'cool off' before we left. Dancing with him whilst trying to catch this lassie's eye was perhaps not the best of ideas. Hell, though, it *is* a gay bar.
I should probably spray the fucker down...I finger the 'customised' can in my pocket with healing fingers.
Maybe not. My obsession with mace-laced chemicals in easy-to-spray cans has become a little unhealthy.
For me as well, now I think about it.
So I leave the can be and turn back to this hourglass walking around in female form.
I was just starting to droop from the second high of the evening when I had my package fondled for the second time in the night.
Hold on one damn tootin' second (quick note; even as I read these words I cannot believe I thought them. Green does not mix with blue, even when both are crushed. Repeat times 100**), but the first time was when I was dancing with aforementioned mate. That fucker may count his lucky stars (and he'll have plenty as he looks out his hospital window...) that I was too shocked to hose him down then and there!
Or repeatedly punch. Mace obsession getting unhealthy, doctor...FUCK! I'm the doctor around here. Does that mean I have to council myself out of an obsession with violent chemicals and hedonistic pills? Shit, for the sake of my health I hope not.
You lost that *ages* ago, you sexy tool!
SHITE! Who the fuck said that!?
I scuttle sideways. Someone is inside my head.
*
"Airplane. Have you any Jeffererson Airplane!?" The guy looks ready to call security. This is a *gay* bar...the only drug they do is poppers...they'll not have airplane. "Forget it," I mutter at screaming pitch as I scuttle back.
I only smoke weed when I need to
And I need to get some rest
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet
Make my way to the refrigerator
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam
When the light above my head went BAM!
I can't sleep, something's all over me
Greasy, insomnia please release me
Ahhh...at least they have faithless. Well, I'm hearing Faithless, but everyone else seems to be jiving in a manner befitting a disco tune rather than a dance classic...maybe I'm just hearing songs like I hear people...ah, fuckkit. There's a slimy muscled eel going for my mouth and raking nails on warm little hands scraping down my sculpted body - I knew all those hours in the gym would pay off, in blood or pussyjuice - and it really doesn't matter if I can hear Faithless or not...just like it doesn't matter what kind of leafed, liquid or tabulated chemicals I chuck into my body in the name of imperative "Experience", or what body I stick my body into, or if this flame-hot minx will actually call me (Editor's note: She didn't. Prepare for
rapeage, bitch).
The moment is all that matters, the white-hot burn of energy on the cocktail of music, drugs, alcohol, dancing and sex on the eyes and hands.
I live to love it.
**As I read this over before hitting 'post', I actually cannot remember what the fuck this refers to. If anyone has any ideas, please tell me. I'll even chuck in a few +2's for you if you help me remember. But only if the post is good, fucker.
Oh, I almost forgot. The joke.
"What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
bitmaps make baby jeebus masterbate,
and every time someone does that,
god kills a kitten.
...
i'm sure domokun was supposed to be in there somewhere.
meh.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Biting into a worm and finding an apple.
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:01:52 (#)
Ranking: -2
"What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?"
Being raped
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I don't get it.
Especially because that's the joke I just put up...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?"
Being raped
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF I'M NOT READING ALL THAT
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
All this work, for what?
Something that I'll be printing out in a minute to use in the men's room due to my floor being out of toilet paper.
Submitted by BingBongBing (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
let me know when youre done burning yourself to death, so i can piss on your ashes.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
See kids, this is what huffing paint will do to you.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What language was this post written in?
This post is made out of orlistat.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, this was shit.
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bugger, cock and snaffledick!
A bollocking bmp...ah well...the joke still works quite well if you bother to click on the fucker.
Cunt.