Zombies (843 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.58 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Astropath (View user info) at 2006-01-26 14:31:38 EST
All right. There's been a lot of talk on here. A lot of talk about zombies. I think it's safe to say that I'm pretty much the authori-tay on that topic, so I'd like to share with you some observations. No, no....it's cool, you didn't know. What matters is that you know now.
Now, zombies are pretty scary. Not just for their brain-munching ways, but because they represent an upset of the status quo. That's normal. Grandma should be sunning herself in Florida, not crawling through your basement window with a chewed-up femur clenched in her rotting maw. So what you're gonna want to do is this: adopt a pseudo- Native American persona. For some reason, slackjaws got issues with the Great Spirit. Also, your appearance should reflect your new persona. Grow a beard, and get lots of weapons. Resist the temptation to wear zombies ears as trophies; zombies hate that shit. If you're trying to make it through a particularly infested neighborhood, those could make all the difference. I know what you all are thinking; zombies won't care how you're dressed. You're doing this for the sake of the humans you'll be rescuing. They need to be reassured, and you have to present that image. Girls are a little different though; back in my days with the 3rd Scuba Recon Ninja Regiment, we were taught that the only way to really calm a girl, and get her working for you, is one or more vigorous rape sessions. This only works on attractive girls, who don't mind a little upper-thigh stubble rash.
Now, some kids might tell you that swords or other sharp implements will be of use against zombies. That's really cute, kid, but no. Yeah, I know what you're saying, but no. Wanna catch five across the eyes ? Now you're smartening up. You're gonna wanna eliminate the head. Sledgehammer, baseball bat, trash compactor. For that last one, use M&Ms...zombies really dig on the M&Ms.
Zombies have no sight to speak of, really, and operate mostly on hearing and scent. So get yourself a good Ziploc bag, and a menstruating female. Now, all those used-up rags is what we call "red gold" here in the zombie-killin' world. Just drop one of those scent bombs somewhere, and wait.
Armor. Zombies aren't going to shoot you, or stab you. You don't want to get bitten by them though, so take the offensive: wear some mountain biking forearm armor, jam it in their mouths, then blow their heads off.
You're gonna get the slow ones and the sprinters. The only difference is which nervous system was pre-dominant at the time of death. Sympathetically- influenced zombies will be sprinters. Simple. This won't give you an edge, but it's fun to know.
For bites, you still have time. Zombie saliva is fairly viscous, so quick action might save your companion. If your companion is an attractive female, this means gratitude rape. So you're going to remove the epidermis above the bite site, and debride with alcohol; any alcohol will work.
Now, here's a little trick of the trade for you newbies...if there's more than one of you, and you're all fairly strong men, you will not engage in anal sex. I'm just saying that because there's some of you out there who were thinking it, don't lie. You have to capture a slackjaw, you can use those rope at the end of a stick thing they use for cattle, I think. Get 'im on the ground, and pack his ass full of gunpowder. I mean it... get all up in there with some explosive stuff, really make sure his or her undead anus is stretched to capacity with a volatile substance, and add a wick. Transport your undead suicide bomber to an area of high infestation, and cut 'im loose, lighting the wick. It should be a fairly long one, trailing out of his ass like a flaming tail, cute and entirely non-indicative of its dire, explosive implications. Then lob a Ziploc filled with menstrual clots at a zombie. You're really just doing that to get your guy headed in the right direction, as he'll be drawn to the scent. Also because it's hilarious watching a bunch of menstrual blood- splattered zombies get exploded by a zombie with a bomb in his ass.
Also resist the temptation to engage in unholy fornication with hot zombie bitches. I know they're cute and all, and never say no, but your dick will fall off. Refer to the "Ballad of Dickless Zombie-huntin' Joe", for further reference. I'm not even jokin', man. Death being what it is, the gastric acids will have dissolved the stomach, and moved lower due to gravity. IN some zombies, it'll pool in the uterus, and sit there, behind a mucus plug. Hot zombie sex might prod the cervix to the point where your dick WILL get sprayed down with zombie acid. So that's all I got for now, kids.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good,good
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your good at this 'funny' malarky.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombitastic
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Suh-weet
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:44:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have thought the greatest reason for not having sex with zombie chicks is that zombie men are incredibly jealous of this type of attention and will punish you with their undead penises.
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Heh heh heh heh
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:55:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
0tastic
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have thought the greatest reason for not having sex with zombie chicks is that zombie men are incredibly jealous of this type of attention and will punish you with their undead penises.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GOLD.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sorry, I love zombies as much as the next guy, but this kind of misinformation would get you killed. FUCKING KILLED, in fact.
Submitted by alamalmithral (user info) at 2006-01-26 20:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa!
THE authority on Zombies? That's saying something! Ummm.... I quiz everyone I know in real life, making sure they know how to kill a Zombie.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, did somebody say zombie sex? This is an awesome and disturbingly erotic post (series) about that very thing. You guys should check it out. After all, we all LOOOOVE zombies...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61010
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:31:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG ! liek its not an paresite stool ! first of all, duh ! a stool doestn have teh paresites ! now my feelings are hurt...only Stephen Malkmus undertsaands me.
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I was going to give this a +1, but you made a joke about Stephen Malkmus, and comically misspelled 'the' which I never seem to get tired of.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll have some trouble growing a beard. Will that be a problem? Also, when you say not to wear zombie ears as trophies, does that include wearing zombie ears as earrings because I think they'd look awesome?
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG ! liek its not an paresite stool ! first of all, duh ! a stool doestn have teh paresites ! now my feelings are hurt...only Stephen Malkmus undertsaands me.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:01:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Indisputable proof I could submit a parasite-infested stool sample to Ubersite and be assured at least a 1.56 rating.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I eat zombies for breakfest....
oh man i feel another chuck norris fact coming on. But for sake of hearing ten thousand of them I will not say it.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart just sent me this:
"Next Thursday is now officially Zombie Post Thursday.
All writers are requested to stop fucking their siblings for eight god damn seconds and write a post about zombies.
That is all. Get back to work peons.
~Management"
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You fuck! I laughed so hard I almost sprayed my computer with coffee.
great job.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-26 16:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmm, zombie sex.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ZPT is at least 23914812349123 times better than SPT.
we need more zombie humor.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, zombies can see as long as they have eyes.
Here is a fun fact for you, zombies can't climb. Need a quick shelter? find a town house with a second floor and knock out a few steps with your sledgehammer (they aren't too heavy to which ever pussy said that).
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.... Bad... I'm the guy with the gun.
Also, zombies can't run. Ever. You were right on all other counts, though.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't believe in zombies..but I do...but...see my problem?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You really want something axe-like with a longer handle than a sledge, like an axe or a pickaxe or, more likely for those who are unprepared, sharp heavy spades/garden hoes work well.
Swords are useless, stab em in the guts? that ain't gonna bother a zombie, and trying to hit them with a little sledge involves putting your hand dangerously close to their mouth.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
When the zombies come, I'll be ready.
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sending you my pads right now.
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Oh yeah. Give daddy some sugar.
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sledge hammers are innefficiant. They're too heavy and they'll bog you down. duh.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Duh, they attract zombies dear.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:45:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn, i've already posted today. As a certified zombie hunter I need to contibute my two scents about a couple of things, like the uses of alcohol and combines while hunting.
Did the idea of MistressFist having a bag of used pads gross anyone else out?
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What? Am I supposed to throw them away or something?
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn, i've already posted today. As a certified zombie hunter I need to contibute my two scents about a couple of things, like the uses of alcohol and combines while hunting.
Did the idea of MistressFist having a bag of used pads gross anyone else out?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ZPT?
Submitted by SamsArmy (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Who died and made you King of the Zombies?"
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have printed this out and covertly handed it to my boss. I think I will now get a raise.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sending you my pads right now.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well, you did have some science in there, so that's good.