Stop masturbating on my couch, asshole. (3311 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 83 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2006-01-26 18:19:12 EST
If there is one thing I will not abide, it's a man wearing flip-flops. If I would have known my roommate wore them, I would have never allowed him to move into my apartment in the first place. Think about the type of person who typically indulges in this sort of sandalous behavior: hippies, surfers, guys who keep acoustic guitars in the trunks of their cars (because you never know when an audience might demand a performance of Hoobastank's "The Reason"), half-assed Asian traditionalists (you can wear 1/2 of a pair of shoes in their houses. Most people lean toward the bottom half, but one day I will appear at my neighbor's door wearing a leather mullet. Then again, what doth it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his own sole? And what about Asian astronauts? Are you allowed to wear shoes on the ceiling? And is it possible for them to write their names in the sky with the cream of sum yung gai?), unhygienic children, and other undesirables.
Even beyond any associations, flip-flops are fucking annoying. Every time I hear him walking around, I wonder if a seal is making his own pizza, or am I listening to the beginning of Pink Floyd's Time. Whap whap whap whap for God's sake, shut the fuck up! I could look over all of these things if I wasn't exposed to his freaking feet. I feel like a character in a Salinger story every time he walks into a room. I can see your feet anyway, you might as well expose yourself completely. (I have always been fascinated by this aspect of the g-string. I realize the string exists to hold the triangular piece in front, but it seems to me that some thong-wearing women believe in the mystery of the asshole. If I see you in a g-string, I've seen your ass. Unless you're a black chick with a venereal disease, you're not an oreo. There is no more magic left to unlock. Every fingerprint may be different, but all assholes look exactly the same. Actually, I retract that. You have your constricted and your expanded. They're more like belly buttons.)
I had a handle on my revulsion for the flip-flops in my house until the roommate started importing. He had a friend in from out of town and they both wandered around shoe topless. They even did the unthinkable, and went into a bar with the sandals. These people obviously have no regard for their personal safety. How could you go into a public restroom without protection? (I also question the sanity of anyone who uses a urinal without those plastic dividers. I pee separately, but equally. Otherwise, what is to stop a stream from crossing into your lane, releasing the apparitions of cherry slurpees and bottles of jager?)
On certain evenings I allow my eighteen year old female cousin to sleep on my living room couch. Now, some of you might think it reckless, but your thoughts are influenced by the assumption that I care about what happens to her.
So when they arrived at my apartment, they found a nubile young target for their drunken game. I wasn't concerned; I knew she would never get with either of them. I went to bed feeling pretty secure about the flip-flop wearer.
I awoke at six-thirty am on the morrow feeling like shit. A few mentos later, I was full of life. I walked into the living room to share my fresh breath with everybody when I noticed hardcore porn on my television screen, with the volume muted. My cousin was asleep on one couch while my roommate's friend slept upright on the other. I approached silently and searched around for the remote.
At that moment I saw one of the most disturbing things I could ever envision. The remote lay firmly entrenched in his left hand, directly across from his penis, which just so happened to be in his right hand. Somehow this idiot had fallen asleep masturbating in my house. His exposed member lay less than two feet from her face.
First of all, who pleasures themselves in someone else's house? It would be one thing if he had been over for weeks and just could not hold out any longer, but he was visiting for a single night. And if he just had to do it, the bathroom was only a few feet away. With my cousin in the room! I wonder if she was his prop. I cannot help thinking he may have been hovering above her face, waiting for that moment of inevitability like the guy who has way too much salsa on the end of his chip.
Which brings me to an even more pressing issue. There was nary a sign of a towel, napkin, paper towel, toilet paper, toilet seat cover (I love how those things have no thickness whatsoever), t-shirt, flypaper, butterfly net, maple leaf, or tortilla. Unless he was planning on giving his palm reverse-leprosy and snatching it out of the air Miyagi-style, or bouncing it off his toes for a rousing game of homosexual hackey sack (as if there is any other kind, and he WAS wearing flip-flops, after all), the only thing between his sperm and my couch or carpet was alcohol-induced unconsciousness.
I didn't want my cousin to wake up next to that, so I left and gave him a little time to wake up and clean up his own mess. Then I walked back into the living room, promptly removed him from my home, and relayed the story to about 150 million people, including my horrified cousin and all of Ubersite.
The next evening my girlfriend strategically placed a dildo and a pair of walnuts on my cousin's pillow, next to her sleeping face. I added my roommate's flip-flops to the other side.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-14 15:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SmirkDog (user info) at 2008-05-14 14:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be on the front page each and every day.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-14 14:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ungh.
What a douche.
Submitted by SmirkDog (user info) at 2008-05-14 14:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be on the front page each and every day.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-05-24 00:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I'm still in my pajama pants and t-shirt, and I need to walk a block to the store, I'd rather stick my feet into some flip flops than waste my time putting on shoes. If I'm too lazy to put on real clothes, I see no reason why I should bother putting on real shoes.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-05-23 23:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wear flip flops...you have to at Brown or you get shot by the hippies.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-05-23 23:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, i think "Fucking fuck yeh" is the logical response to this post.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-23 22:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wear nothing but flip flops and sometimes watermelon green converses. Socks make me too warm and I hate when my toes feel restricted.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-23 22:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was good. sorry I missed it the first time around. I may have been drunk...
masterbating...on your couch...
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-23 22:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-29 01:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will not stand for this Corrinne.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-28 11:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-27 13:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure what's not understood about "I get the last review on this post".
Is it hard to get?!?!?!?!!?!????!?!?!?!?
</explainatory interrogation>
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-06-23 04:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:04:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
What is a 'mento?' - is it like a headache tablet?
-----
They're like Softmints but harder and less tasty
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-06-23 04:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"There was nary a sign of a towel, napkin, paper towel, toilet paper, toilet seat cover ... t-shirt, flypaper, butterfly net, maple leaf, or tortilla"
----- BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhahahhahhaahahhaaa
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-23 04:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop it Greening
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-06-21 20:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still like this.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-21 20:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DARKO, YOU BASTARD!
mY CAPS KEY BROKE AGAIN, I'M NOT YELLING.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-21 04:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry NightShade, but I get the last review on this post.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-05-13 04:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-13 04:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that I will always love you for this post.
But you still aren't as cool as me.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-17 16:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-12 19:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This had me laughing so hard I was drooling and gasping for air.
Damn you Tinactin!
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-01-31 05:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hillarious +2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well at least you didn't need to wonder if that was drool on your cousin's chin or something else.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"snatching it out of the air Miyagi-style"
Awesome.
No pic?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-30 04:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Kinda meh, and what do you have against flip flops anyway?
Wearing them is a good indication that everything is OK in your little world.
I'd wear nothing but flip flops if it was warm enough in London & I didn't have to work.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2006-01-27 18:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Every time I hear him walking around, I wonder if a seal is making his own pizza, or am I listening to the beginning of Pink Floyd's Time"
HAAHAA!
I can't find my copy of that album. I think I lent somebody that along with the Wizard of Oz so they could do the whole "Dark Side of Oz" thing and got the movie back but not the disc. I have no idea who though. Damn it I have waaaay to many stoner friends.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2006-01-27 18:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
word
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2006-01-27 16:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I was at a party at a friends house. Her brothers friends were all there and totally hammered. I guess one thing led to another and they dared this guy to dry hump me while I was passed out. I woke up to this hairy neanderthal humping away at my hip.
I got up punched him in the face and called my mom to come get me!
Rule #1 Do not EVER pass out at parties.
Peace out...
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Every time I hear him walking around, I wonder if a seal is making his own pizza, or am I listening to the beginning of Pink Floyd's Time.
===================================
Gold for this, and so much more. You are a master storyteller.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:04:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
What is a 'mento?' - is it like a headache tablet?
it's the freshmaker. Candy.
I too would have caught him out rather than give him room to weasle. it's not necessarily horrible he wacked it in your place it's horrible that he wacked it (or started to anyway) on your couch in the living room with your presumably hot cousin sleeping there and then left his shit out for you to find.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nasty. Theres nothing worse than unexpectedly seeing another mans junk.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-27 09:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. I would have beaten him 'til he shat teeth!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it. Great post. Reminds me of the good ol' days.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not quite what I expected. But +2-worthy because of the detailed descriptions.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I expect that her face would have been the proposed target for his release.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:04:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hay! I just thought of something! What if your cousin was menstruating, right, and the guy in sandals smelt it yeah? Well when your laggered, like really laggered, your brain operates in a much more primitive state. So he smells her marking her terretiroy and then cannot resist the impulse to do likewise.
That's true about the menstuel fluid being used as a terretory marker by the way, I read about the cannibals doing that in Papua New Guinie. It's because it's full of pheremones, like.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wooooooooooo! 43 reviews...pretty sweet.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-27 07:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't wear flip flops but everything else rings true.
Oh, and 'sandalous'. Genius.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 06:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What is a 'mento?' - is it like a headache tablet?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:39:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I disagree with you on the slip-slops vibe though.
---------------------------
Well you would wouldn't you?
Damn dirty apes.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I disagree with you on the slip-slops vibe though.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ssshhhhh - very quietly get your knob out - put on the porn - shhhh - don't trip over her shoes - lean close and breathe the sweet aroma of her hair - mmm - hang on - spam? - shit that's my knob - right - remote control - volume up just a little - don't want to miss any dialogue. Ooh subtitles? Fuck - no subtitles on this god damn porno. I wonder if it has other language tracks - perhaps alternate plots? getting sleepy.... must put knob... awa................
Submitted by maxmouse (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, what an asshole, i mean damn flipflop wearing wanker...
but thats some funny shit... +2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In all serious though, if a girl had passed out next to me on a sofa I would no doubt convince myself that putting hardcore porn on telly and playing with my peenar would result in her waking up. No dount she'd scream and that resulting in my arrest for attempted rape or indecency or something else thats really bad.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:28:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
The gaylord (the correct term for someone in sandals) should have just fucked your cousin. Clearly she was well up for a jump.
---
Confirmed correct technical vocabulary. At the very least he should have dangled his balls on her face and taken pictures. It's not difficult people.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The gaylord (the correct term for someone in sandals) should have just fucked your cousin. Clearly she was well up for a jump.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you hate flatmtes? If it had been me, I might have been tempted to get the superglue...
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:02:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahaha...nice setup.
Submitted by saint_sebastian (user info) at 2006-01-27 04:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe it was a set up. He passed out, and your cousin (the sick bitch) set him up to get caught.
At least, I'm going to pleasure myself with this thought...
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't imagine being so drunk and tired that I couldn't get up and go into the bathroom or get some paper towels or something. I mean, what's the point of starting the engine if you're not going to go out for a drive?
uhhh..........wait a minute..........forget I said that.
I'm old, I don't do that sort of thing.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah "sandalous".
Back to reading.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Boom! Tough actin' Tinactin.
Tough on masturbation. Tough like your mom's meatflaps.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...waiting for that moment of inevitability like the guy who has way too much salsa on the end of his chip."
Love the line. You shoulda just un-muted the pr0n and and booked. The situation would sort itself out.
I assume.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god I feel for your cousin. I crashed at a friends post party and woke up to someguy over my feet. It took me a second to realise what he was doing before I kicked him in the balls. Sick fucker.
Submitted by bento (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
your dad has a girl name!
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss you posting man.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He went with the flat denial. Because I didn't wake him up until he made everything seem normal, he tried to tell me that he had no idea what I was talking about. I just told him to get out.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah, and +2.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Masturbating on your couch with your relative goes against all laws of decency and hospitality. Just out of curiosity, how did he react to your busting him?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:08:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto masturbating +2
i mean...uh.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-26 20:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I said I was sorry. She sleeps with her mouth open...
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2006-01-26 20:19:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome prank, Farva
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is fucking comedy. I still think you should have beaten his ass.
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"First of all, who pleasures themselves in someone else's house?"
<raises hand>
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet the other little Mexicans shun you for your gringo shoes.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Make me!
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't agree with you more.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:22:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY, you don't know he was masturbating, perhaps he had an itch on his penos that he really really really really really needed to scratch.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-01-26 19:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, they are not acceptable when you're at the beach. Now dozens of half-naked women are ignoring you because it's clear that you're a flamer.
Submitted by Pirate_Joe (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you hate flip flops, don't ever come to Australia is summer. Your head would probably explode
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the stuff of Fuck Yeah.
Dudes in flip-flops trigger my gag reflex. Yeah, haha, I said "gag," you mental midgets, thank you.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I keep a guitar in my trunk. But that's 'casue I'm in a band and we rock the fuck out. Flip-flops are acceptable ONLY when you are at t3h beach.
ONLY then.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet monkey Jesus. I just read the rest of your post. Seriously, that's fucking disgusting.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(because you never know when an audience might demand a performance of Hoobastank's "The Reason")
HAR HAR HAR HAR!!
Dude, that line right there made you my hero. God I hate that fucking song, and everyone who loves it.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:28:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hillarious. I hate flip flops.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-26 18:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3