Did Jesus exclaim “Oh God” when he ejaculated? (1848 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.58 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2006-01-26 21:18:27 EST
I tend to think Mary Magdalene was probably the first recorded groupie and or possibly the first recorded stalker. Lets face it she had a thing for Jesus and though the bible doesn't say so, I bet she held the holy penis more then once. The bible plainly states they spent a lot of time alone; it stands to reason, Jesus was a man and would have had natural needs and desires. It goes on to say that some of the disciples were jealous of the friendship between Mary and Jesus; I think they knew Jesus was getting a little pussy and they were miffed.
Mary was a mature woman with an obvious lust for divine dick, she would have used every power at her disposal to get her fill of some consecrated cock and Jesus would have been helpless when he gazed upon her furry honey pot.
I would love to have been a fly on the wall the first time Mary showed Jesus the pleasures of the female body. Could you imagine Mary letting her robe fall to the ground revealing her nakedness?
How would Jesus have responded?
"Thee firm globules of thy breast flesh quiver delicately as thine nipples hasten to harden under my gaze but I cannot be tempted into pleasures of the flesh"
Not one to lose a fight I can see Mary take it up a notch by laying on the bed pulling her knees up letting her thighs part. Jesus dribbling at the mouth would have uttered.
"Thou hast a wondrous furry lined, warm moist pinkness that thine holy penis hardens and yearns for but alas God has forsaken my selfless needs as I must lead a celibate life"
The winning blow in Mary's favour would have come when she squeezed her nipples and diddled her clitoris while Jesus salivating haplessly looked on with tent robe. I can see him lifting his robe to reveal a raging holy hardon and moving toward her uttering "Mary you wanton woman, thou has tempted thine need and given thee a sacred stiffy, prepare thine self to receive a holy humping"
Now this brings me to the question. Was Jesus the first to utter the now famous verbal outburst upon orgasm "Oh God"?
I have a theory on this. I think Jesus was but I believe it has been shortened as I think Jesus would have screamed, "Oh God please forgive me" as he pumped the sacred semen into Mary's quivering vagina.
We are led to believe that God made man of his own image; this leads me to believe that God must have a penis. So with this in mind I think God did a very clever thing when he made a mate for Adam.
Adam wanted a mate and God wanted his creation to procreate, this would have been a bit of a dilemma. Making a human Adam could procreate with wasn't a difficult task. No he would just make a softer slender man that he would call woman, that didn't have a penis but rather a soft warm opening in her body that Adam could inject sperm into that would initiate the process to make another life. But how would he make a mate that Adam wouldn't throw rocks at, and would want to stick his penis into.
Desire, yes he would make these two lust each other. He would name Adams mate Eve and give her a soft supple body. He would give Adam annoying persistent erections and Eve a nurturing desire to want to look after Adam and make him happy.
Now this is all well and good but neither Adam or Eve would have had this explained to them so how the hell did they work out that Adam had to stick his erect penis into Eve's vagina?
I think they were sitting around the Garden of Eden one day when Eve exclaimed "Adam, that finger like dangling thing between your legs is bigger then I remember and it seems to be pointing at something in the sky"
Adam rather sheepishly would have answered "yeh, the bloody thing does that now and then and watch, if I wrap my hand around it and pump it like this it spurts this white stuff out"
Eve would have found this disturbingly erotic and felt her face flush and a warm tingling wetness develop between her legs.
I can see Adam saying "I bet your jealous you don't have one of these dick things that can make me feel so good and shiver involuntarily when it shoots this sticky stuff"
"Not really" Eve would have answered laying back letting her legs fall apart "I have this little lump at the top of my open thing that gives me the most sensational feelings if I rub it like this"
I guess from here Adam and Eve would have progressed to rubbing and playing with each others genitals but when did it dawn on them that one could fit inside the other?
Perhaps Adam was showing off rubbing his on Eves one day when it slipped inside. I can see Eve gasping as she felt it slide into her and Adam jumping up saying "oh Jesus I'm sorry did that hurt?"
"Well, no it felt good" Eve would have answered "Do it again"
There you have it, the first act of copulation. I wonder if God was proud of this moment or did he think they were dumb shits because it took them this long to work it out. Either way I can see Adam rolling over and going to sleep afterwards with Eve hitting him in the back saying, "you can't be serious, I didn't even cum yet you inconsiderate shithead"
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-15 17:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my hound hath no nose
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-01 08:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF??? My ratings dropped without additional hits or reviews!!
I CALL SHENANNIGANS!!!!
Read my new stuff... Come on.... I never post... you know you want to.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83247
Who broke Uber?? I'm guessing it was Method.... or all these Tigerlilly posts.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-01 08:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-01 08:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
do you think mary wore a strap-on and fucked jesus?
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice to know I'll have company... in hell.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Adam jumping up saying "oh Jesus I'm sorry did that hurt?"
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:04:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-01-29 21:33:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There's a book in the bible called Song Of Solomon. It's basically two people describing each other in the Jesus times. It's bizarre, things like: 'Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.'
So there you go.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
swet
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2006-01-27 13:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was fucking great man.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 12:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant to +2, sorry.
And he didn't say "Oh God"
He said, " MistressFist, don't stop."
I am timeless, bitches.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-27 11:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:31:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is disturbing to religious folk.
And that's why I like it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, but you've done better.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-27 08:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:31:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is disturbing to religious folk.
And that's why I like it.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
loved it..
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-27 05:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-27 04:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yo' saviour was so fat, his blood type was ragu.
The girl in that picture looks like Krissi.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-27 04:43:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've evaluated this post - and it is amusing. Except Jeezy was more likely to have been speaking in Hebrew than in Olde Englishe. Also, remember Rabbis get to do it whenever they want. That and wear those hats.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-27 04:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-01-27 04:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What if God smoked Cannibus.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-27 04:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oy vey.
Submitted by Gods_Imaginary_Friend (user info) at 2006-01-27 03:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's all very well and good, but how do explain the series of events that lead Eve to introduce Gerbils into their sexual awakening? Do Gerbils like the taste of Maple leaves?
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-01-27 02:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The bible plainly states they spent a lot of time alone; it stands to reason, Jesus was a man and would have had natural needs and desires. It goes on to say that some of the disciples were jealous of the friendship between Mary and Jesus; I think they knew Jesus was getting a little pussy and they were miffed.
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I think you might be confusing The Da Vinci Code with the Bible.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-27 01:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess I'll put off becoming a good person for one more day and give this a 2.
"Jethuth Chritht"
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus was a bong-smoking hippy.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-27 00:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just fucking great.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ain't touching this.
Is what Magdelene should have said.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Thee firm globules of thy breast flesh quiver delicately as thine nipples hasten to harden under my gaze but I cannot be tempted into pleasures of the flesh"
This was so funny/awful that it caused me physical pain.
+2 sir. +2 indeed.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Her name.
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V
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sacrilicious.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Far better than the title suggested.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bento (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:27:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2
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Bento, what have I told you, you don't count. You don't even have legs.
Submitted by bento (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-26 22:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my...
I love this.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon, I love ya like a brother, but for the love of GOD if you're going to use archaic language use it properly!
Thee - you
Thine - yours.
"thou has tempted thine need and given thee a sacred stiffy"
"You have tempted your need and given you a sacred stiffy"
It's wrong wrong wrong and it makes my brain itch.
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that bitch is jacked up
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is disturbing to religious folk.
And that's why I like it.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:24:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
raging holy hardon.
Maybe before jesus they said "Oh Jehovah!"
______________
But in the Latin alphabet, "Jehovah" begins with an "I".
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That last line saved you from a fate worse than hell.
The +1.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At first when I read, "Mary Magdalene was probably the first recorded groupie and or possibly the first recorded stalker" I thought it was about some bitch fucking the Beatles or Jethro Tull. Man was I waaaaaaayyyyyyyy off!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
raging holy hardon.
Maybe before jesus they said "Oh Jehovah!"
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bible-thumpingly erotic.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-26 21:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh, but i did chuckle... kinda.